My stepson is going to be 4 in August. We is back and forth between households 50% of the time. We have recently seen his behavior greatly change for the worse since his mother pulled him out of preschool and put him in the care of her mother during the day. The opposite days he is home with my husband (his dad) and myself (a stay at home mom). We get my stepson on all of my husband's days off of work which total 15 days per month. This has been a year of changes for this little boy so I am trying to be patient with him and help curve these nasty behaviors that are arrising. He is an only child at his mother's house and has an 11 month old sister at our house. He doesn't like his sister and doesn't play well with her. We have to watch him closely because he will hit and push her. I would really like to know if others of you have gone through the bossy phase and what type of consequences you used to get past it. He seems to think he is the boss and can tell any adult what to do. Then throws a tantrum when things don't go his way. We have been doing time out, reteaching the expectations, modeling good behavior, and taking toys away. Nothing seems to be working. Our friends and family have stopped inviting us places due to his rudeness and lack of listening skills. Help what are some strategies that have worked for you. It is so hard for us to nip this in the butt because we don't have him full time.
Our schedule goes in a 2 week cycle: Week 1: Mon,tues, Fri, Sat, Sun with dad/ tues evening,wed, thurs with mom Week 2 Wed, Thurs with dad/ Sun. evening, mon, tue, thurs evening, fri, sat, sun with mom.
we have tried to get her to alternate weeks with us but this is the schedule that was arranged by the court so we have to work with it. We pick up from mom's house 7am and she picks up from dad's house at 6pm.
The schedule does involve a lot of back and forth but we have been doing it since he was 6 months old. Preschool and adding a sister seems to be the biggest change right now. We know that not likeing his sister ins't anything abnormal but want to curnb the rude behaviors.
Hi,
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First of all he is too old to be expected to "play with" a baby sister. He does need to be nice to her. Not take her toys and never hurt her, but he is an active boy and needs to be able to run and play actively.. Make sure he gets lots of outside play time in the morning and afternoons.. At least an hour best would be hour and a 1/2 in the morning and again in the afternoon. This is what they do in daycare.
I am concerned about the every other day situation. Like another mother mentioned, he is more aware of coming and going. I would really be a mess if I had to live like that. Not sure that there is anything you all can do about this, but maybe worth a discussion.
Time out should be for 1 minute per his age.. so right now that should be 3 minutes. When you sit him down tell him why he is going into time out, when his time is up ask him, why were you in time out? Have him answer you. Let him start over, if he does it again or something else that is not acceptable, repeat timeout procedure again.
When you tell him something start by saying his name, then say "listen to my words." then give him instructions. If needed ask him to repeat it to you.
His behavior is actually normal. There are times when we just cannot go out with our kids without a breakdown or defiance. Your job is to let him know you will not put up with it and leave and go home if necessary, EVERY TIME. Plan for it.
I am sending you strength and patience. He is lucky to have you in his life. It will get better.
In answer to your question. First of all with him changing homes he is now finding it different. You have to first ask his mother "what is she letting him away with". Some parents think its cute when children act out or speak like an adults, of course this is wrong. I have a grandaughter who is now 8 and she can be quite rude. I've disciplined her, sometimes my daughter thinks I don't like her and am picking on her, believe me I love her with all my heart I just don't think it should be allowed. You can't just take one thing away from him, take everything. I know this sounds harsh but one thing, he has 20 more to play with. He is only 4 and discipling him for to long a period, he will forget why he's on a time out etc. Their little minds can't seem to understand, however I wouldn't put him on a time out for more than 15min. intervals. This way he remembers. When he is rude, put him on a time out for like I said a short period. It almost sounds as though he's looking for some sort of attention. Let him have time with your little one. Make him seem like he's doing something great. Let him change diaper whether he does it right or not. Right now after being an only child for so many of his younger years he is not grasping that you still love him. Always always say I love you big time. Let him know he is still your favorite. He's your number one boy and his step-sister is your number one girl. Set a date with him. Make it special to him. Say like a couple times a wk. or something along that line whoever is the primary caregiver "could be both of you" and say okay this is our time together. Nobody else, and mean it. Like I said you can't tell him often enough that you love him. When he does something good praise him for it, it can be so small but its big to him.
This will be hard but...when he's bossy, ignore it! Walk away, no punishment! Pretend you never heard it. I know that sounds crazy but, he knows now that "hey" when I'm bossy I get attention. When that attention ceases he will stop and you will have your good little boy. We all have to discipline kids but in the right form of action. Soon enough you will see a change in him. He may resort to something else but it won't be rudeness and then again he may not resort to anything. Its best to walk away even though you would rather do something. Again, he's getting attention whether it be good or bad, it means nothing to him. Its give me more, at least they are now paying attention to me.
Good luck, hope this works for you and keep in touch!!
This child probably has LOTS of energy inside. Without the preschool, you'll have to work out ways for him to use his time. Lots of one on one time and lots of supervision when he plays on his own. Try to do physical stuff, throw & catch ball, dancing, picking and putting toys away. Keep structure in his life. Maybe that is what he is missing about preschool. Don't let him boss you around. You are the adult. Tell him you will NOT tolerate his being rude to you, his dad or any of your adult friends.
I'm not a fan of timeouts. I'd rather negotiate. Good luck
...granted 3 years old is a hard age. Harder than at 2 years old.
BUT... this boy, your son... has had his life changed and in upheaval... especially since being yanked out of Preschool. Yanked out of Preschool like a tooth... because he seemed to like it there and it provided him with a "rooting" in his life... something stable and consistent for him and pleasant. But now, his Preschool life is gone. Then, 50% of the time, he is back and forth between households. Whoa! That would be real hard for an adult... how do you think it is for a mere 3 year old? Not fun. stressful. Too unreliable and unstable.
I think, THAT is the problem. He has NO consistency and NO main home... and everything in his life is not really his... or his choice.
Thus, he has turned into a bossy unpleasant boy... because he is trying to attain some sort of "control" over his life... and for a young child, this is how they do it. Because they have LIMITED ability for coping and communicating and no choice in the matter. So, they act out. And yes, even dislike siblings... because, that sibling is probably seen as having it all... and he has nothing. The poor fella.
Next, since he was yanked out of Preschool and is now under the care of Grandma during they day... how is that? Is she a good nurturing caring caretaker? Or not? If not.... then you can't totally "blame" him, for his negative behavior either. His life is real unstable.
And there is no consistent role modeling or "rules" or nurturing. Any child would get confused. And when a child is confused, they resort to their own ability to "cope."
I would not punish/scold per say... for behaviors in which he is frustrated/unhappy and it may just be an extension of his in-ability to do things happily. And I think he needs to be "allowed" to express himself... even if those feelings are grumpy/frustration etc. But that he be taught HOW to express himself and that he can talk to his Mom/Dad about it... and feel better about it afterwards by talking it out etc.
Just some quick thoughts,
All the best,
Susan
All the previous moms have said it best. His unstable schedule, him being a boy, wanting independence, and typical behavior at his age pretty much sums it up. My 4yr old son is like a monster in a cage when he is "trapped" inside the house, and the moment he gets to run outside and play or get some sunshine, his whole demeanor changes...set up some normalcy at your house, so he can look forward to that when he is with you. Good luck.
Check out a "Love and Logic" program in your area - I'm taking one now and has some great ideas/suggestions. Also, here are some articles that may be helpful:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/10/30/...
Good Day,
After taking a few minutes to mull your question over, I've come up with this reply... Your stepson is torn between 2 houses; and 2 different life-styles; and even that took on a recent, dramatic (to a child) change, by being taken out of preschool and away from his friends there! You and your house should maintain your way of child rearing and maybe enforce this by asking the Broward County Crysallis Center for help with counseling. Yes, he is young, but he is also angry and confused now. The workers there are GREAT! Even help with all the family once a month may help you all grow stronger and more loving! Especially the little boy. He is acting out and as hard as it is to believe, it is true! Please try to get him some help & guidance! They did a wonderful job helping my niece whom I've been raising since she was 3 and abused by her biological mother. She is doing really good now with life and all the circumstances! I am proud to say that her(8) and her 5 yr. old sister are both my pride & my source of joy for 5 yrs. now! Thanks to the help I sought after I finally won their custody! I will keep you all in our prayers and ask God to help guide you's! May the good Lord above see you through these trying times!
Sincerely,
Kathy N.
Obviously someone on the other side is letting him be in control. This is the worst thing for children because it makes them feel insecure. I would seriously have him evaluated by an occupational therapist because she can give him extra heavy activities to lesson his anxiety and fears. He will be a calmer more cooperate child all around. He will not be in fight or flight anymore as you describe now. Check it out. It can never hurt him.
