Blended Family

Hello B.. It seems like things are pretty ruff at your house right now. I grew up with devorsed and re-married parents and I have "step" children of my own. In my family we are family; weather his children, my children, or his children they are ours and we HAVE to share the responsibility, ALL of them. I can't help but wonder if he still wants to be with you or if he is starting fights with you b/c he wants out of the relationship. My only advice is think hard about weather he is the person you want to be with, and if he is, try to work it out. Since talking to him directly only aggravates him more, try getting into some counseling.

Raising kids is a struggle, isn't it? It's extra hard when you bring in a guy who doesn't have any kids to help you raise your kids. I did that with my current husband. I read many parenting books and tried many different parenting techniques to get where I was with my kids. He came in knowing nothing and I would get so mad at him when he would try to tell me how to parent. He doesn't get why I let the kids play with paint and playdough because it's so messy. I feel like kids need to have the opportunity to make messes, but I am willing to help them clean up.

He was also afraid to discipline at first, but I made it clear that I expect him to take equal parenting responsibility if he's going to live and be with me. If he doesn't, he is not useful in my life. Sometimes he just didn't even understand the simple fact that he has to make all their meals, bathe them, dress them, etc when I wasn't home. I would frequently leave and come back to the house looking like a bomb hit.

We have been married 2 years now and have had a baby of our own. He has come a long way. He does such a better job now of parenting since he has had the opportunity to be there since birth for his daughter. We still do occasionally have the problem of him forgetting to feed the kids when I leave, but I usually remember to call and make sure.

My point is that parenting is a difficult job. You may need some counseling or lots of talking it out so that you can come to the same page.

B., you remind me of me just a few years ago. While in my situation, I was married and my husband helped with the discipline, the rest of your request sounded incredibly familiar so I will share with you what I've discovered with time.

Fathers are often manipulated by their daughters. The daughters manage to bat their eyelashes or crawl onto daddy's lap and hug their way to getting what they want. Sons, on the other hand, manipulate their mothers. It isn't as overtly obvious and certainly not so clearly defined, but it does happen and is the cause of many a hard feeling on the part of the fathers. While we (the mothers of sons) are being treated one way by our sons, the fathers and step fathers are sent an opposite set of messages. Just as it is with daughters trying to take first place with the father, sons try to fill that role with the mother. The father’s response is often to feel attacked. Not only do they feel their role in the family is at risk, their masculinity comes into question too. Each time I argued that my sons were just being boys (or whatever argument I had in their defense at the time), my husband's feelings were dismissed and I was reiterating to both my husband and sons that my husband’s role was not one set in stone.

Your sons, at ages 9 and 12, are at the cusp of spreading their wings and becoming men. What this means to you is that over the course of the next few years, they will be continually testing the waters and seeing if they can step into the role of your husband. You will not always see it happening. You may never see it. That is the way of things, but the fact that it is happening won’t be changed. Behind your back, your sons will push limits with your boyfriend, make comments to and about him and may even try their hand at sabotaging his belongings and the relationship between the two of you. Had someone shared this with me, I would have been saying, “Oh, my sons would NEVER do that.” I would have been wrong just as every other mother on earth would be. Its part of their development and as wives and mothers, we need to be able to recognize it so that we can help our sons become men while ensuring our husbands feel as little of the growing pains as possible.

Talk to your boyfriend and find out if any of what I have said rings true for him. If so, I encourage you to listen, listen and listen some more so that you can do everything in your power to be a supportive mate. He’ll be able to help you see some of what has been going and because of having been a son himself and will be able to help you know how to handle the situations with your sons so that both he and your sons feel supported.

To start, it sounds like their dad is active in their lives, so your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not trying to be daddy. He also doesn't need to share responsibility or discipline. It doesn't mean he doesn't love them, it just means he doesn't feel it's his place. There is nothing wrong with that.

As far as the bickering and other kid stuff, do you discipline them at all for this? I get that you can't yell at them 24/7 about it, but having stepkids who do this constantly, I see where your boyfriend is coming from. I do discipline, but honestly, it probably makes me crazier to hear this stuff than my husband. I love them but they aren't my kids and not having the same bond, it does make a difference.

My husband tries to treat us as a nuclear family. Well, we aren't. Maybe take a step back and try to see where he is coming from. Also, does he have anything in common with them? Shooting hoops, playing video games or watching sports? If he takes time here and there to go one-on-one with them doing something they both enjoy, he might find them less irritating.

well i don't have much int eh way of advice but my fiance is the same way only he has a daughter of his own and she has been diagnosed with ODD and is very difficult but if it her acting up it's because of her condition or she is jsut being a kid it isn't her fualt if any of my kids act that way he's yelling at me to do something about it or acting like it is the end of the world, so i know how you feel. so far i can't fix my guy so i have no idea how to tell you to fix yours, talking only does so much good a lot of the problems i see with my guy is his eaction to the things the kids do that makes them either act worse or get upset and therefore annoy him even more so i've tried to show him how to handle different things but he at least is willing to try, a big thing though is he is not a kid person, he jsut isn't he has no patients and takes no joy out of the little things in life like teaching a child to ride a bike or read a book or whatever, but it's funny because he is really good at it all and the more i tell him that the more he is willing to try, but l;ike i said my ideas aren't much and who knows if it will help at all but you are not alone, take care and good luck, nomatter what they say love does NOT conquer all but it is a really good reason to try.

I'm not sure that I have the right answer here for you, or that I have anything you want to hear, but I have a 5 year old step daughter... and that initself is a struggle.

I think the only thing I'm ready to comment on at this time is your boyfriend not wanting to discipline. I can totally see where he's coming from. There are times, when I will tell her little things... dont climb on cars, put your shoes on before riding a bicycle... if she's not happy with what I tell her, she screams... I therefore, get yelled at for telling her what to do.

It's a struggle for both sides, and sometimes, neither side sees it that way.

good luck

Hello B... I have read all the other responses, and I must say that I agree with most..But, let me say this, I am a divorced mom with 2 children. When I began dating, I made it clear that this is a package deal. As I dated, some guys werent interested in the "package", some felt that 2 children and day to day life was too hectic. I respected that, and graciously opened the door for them to leave. My childrens' dad is not active, so that ment, no weekends when the kids are gone, no 2 weeks in the summer without them. They are here 24 hrs/a day. I met someone who once again, I said this is a package deal, you take it or you dont. He did, its been almost 4 yrs now. Responisbility you talked about, sorry .. But the night that man decided to spend the night in the same bed as you, and you moved in together, made your children his responsibility too. When you live in the same house every day, and he wakes up to the children every morning, that makes you a family. If he is breaking away, and he doesnt want to be a family then maybe that is why your children do not respect him. Maybe because he doesnt respect them, or he makes them feel isolated, because children can sense when they are truly loved and accepted. Yes children bicker, as long as you try to remain in control in the situation, and you arent allowing them to beat the life out of each other, then its normal. My children are 3 1/2 & 5 1/2. They bicker, the fight over crayons, the argue over a puzzle, he touched me, mom she wont leave me alone.. That is normal, I grew up with 2 sisters, we bickered, we still do sometimes, but you wont find a family that is closer then ours.. Our children see each other 3 or 4 times a week, and we all talk everyday.. I would take a step back and make sure this is working for you. Consider counceling if thats what you want, it cant hurt..