Biting and Tantrums

As far as the biting goes, if it happens at home, bite her back! Don't do it too hard, but hard enough to let her know that biting does not feel good on the recieving end! As far as the fit throwing, let her know atleast five minutes in advance that you will be leaving/changing activities/you both are leaving and then again right before. Sometimes even little transitions are tough on little ones unless they have some warning that it's about to happen. This will eventually help strengthen her trust in you because what you say is going to happen then happens and she will catch on. Hope this helps!

Have you ask what they do at the child care you take her to when she does bite? You might what to ask the parents as teachers for help. She might need to observed and then .They can teach you the best way to handle this. Hope this helps.
Good luck
J.

Hi, L.!

I was a daycare teacher and have worked with children at various developmental stages. There is the typical advise, keeping a teething ring that she likes there at the daycare center that is hers and leaving a tube of orajel with a signed permission slip for application. It could be that her mouth is just annoying her but not enough for her to cry out in pain.

We had a girl that was between 18 to 20 months and just the cutest thing. When she was happy and content. However, she did have that nasty biting thing. We also had this little boy, right around 16 to 18 months, that was the same way. Eventually, this lead to a couple more of the kids biting back to defend themselves.

We, as teachers, kept a log of the biting activity. It consisted of Name of Biter, Activity that was going on, What the child was doing at the time of bite, day and time of bite and how the situation was handled and the teacher that handled the situation. We couldn't write it down on the log and we couldn't disclose it to the biting child's parents(privacy issues), but we also kept track of which child it was in our heads. It helped us learn what the triggers of this behavior was, what actions we as teachers needed to take as well.

As for Disciplinary actions being used, it is hard to say. We used a firm NO! Showed them that it hurt the child that they bit and the child was crying, showed them the red mark that was left behind from the bite and then re-directed the child to something else. And as we started learning the patterns and triggers, we were able to redirect before it would happen. This generally worked for most of the children after a period of time. Then they grew out of it.

Personally, I would ask your daughter's daycare teacher &/or director of the center to do something similar if they are not already and have a meeting to go over it with you. You may want to keep a log at home as well. I would definitely find out how they are disciplining her, maybe you know of a better way that works for her. Together you will be able to develop a plan.

Good Luck!

L. L.,
It's not as bad as you think. Yes, kids that bite are so embarrassing, but, remember, it's not about you, it's about her. She is telling you something. She is saying, Don't leave me. How well does she talk if any, like even with gestures (besides biting)? Instead of her getting in trouble for it, try leaving her doing her tantrum and ignoring it while she is doing this.
When she is calm, you might play dolls with her and take your doll to the daycare or sitters and see what happens or have her take her doll to the sitters. Talk to her in her language about how some things hurt people, if she gets angry, give her a pillow to punch, or something she chooses to hit, not people. You will have to individualize with her. She is angry.
Don't bite her back, some people will say that, you are only teaching her it's okay. She might hate where you are taking her. I would take her, and stay behind and watch from afar, you would have to miss some work, but I can tell you, you will learn a ton if you watch where you are taking her and they don't know your watching. You might be surprised. There are lots of moms' who have kids that bite. Your not alone. Your going to get some good advice from a lot of moms. This does not reflect you as a mom. Your cutie is expressing something you and others' reaction will tell her if what she is doing is working. There is a book at the book store about this, go get it. Ask someone at Barnes and Nobles about it. Don't talk about her biting in front of her. Oh, you are going to have another one? I just saw that. She might even be upset that mommy is having another baby. She is going to have to share. There are a lot of issues you need to focus on and iron out each one.
1. mom leaves me
2. mom is going to give someone else attention
3. I won't give up til she gives me what I want or realize
that what I'm doing won't work.
Keep searching for answers. Get the book. Read the other moms advice. But always remember, when a child misbehaves and their feeling something strong, they react somehow. I'd also watch the place you are taking her, don't let them know you are watching. I hope you can do this. You are a good mom, yes, it is embarrassing, but, we all go through it. I still do with my 14 year old. It never stops. Good luck
DE

L.,

Does your daughter have a history of allergies and/or ear infections. We went through someting similar with our son many years ago and as Carrie said, part of it was frustration at not being able to verbalize things. But the inability to verbalize for my son, came because he had chronic ear infections and wasn't hearing well, therefore not learning the vocabulary to verbalize his frustration. And you need to make sure your doc does a tympanogram NOT just look at his ear drumms. The ear drums may look fine but there still could be fluid build up behind them.
I remember with our son we would get littl sheets that either your child was bitten that day or your child had bitten someone that day. For our son they added a line, "your child attempted to bite" someone today! Of course I saved one in his baby book!

Good Luck.

L. K

Hi L.-
No advice from me (although I'll read what the other moms wrote!) but wanted to let you know you're not alone, my 15 mo son is going through the same thing, along with hitting me in the face! For him, the biting and hitting seem like either affection (I don't understand toddler logic, but yet this seems true in his case, because it's mostly with me, his favorite teacher, or the little girls in his class, already a little flirt!) or frustration or just being tired. Anyway, one of the other moms wrote me about her experiences with a biter, hopefully she'll write you too, she's wonderful! Anyway, best of luck - I'll check your responses for help with mine also!

M.

Hi L.,

Most times when children bite and throw tantrums it is because they do not know how to express what they are feeling in words. The teachers who work with your child should know this. When your daughter starts to bite or throw a tantrum and you know why, teach her the words to express her feelings.
Have her repeat these words to the best of her ability and let her know that this is what she should do/say when she feels that way or if it is a matter of another child taking something from her or hitting her. Teachers should also know this. Also, some children will scream or yell in frustration before they bite. When you hear this, that is a good hint to you and the teachers that your daughter is getting ready to bite someone and they should respond immediately to intervene in the situation. However, there are some children who do not scream or yell before biting. They are what I call the silent biters because you never hear it coming. But if you and the teachers pay close attention to your daughters activities and behavior with other children you all will learn to recognize when she's reaching that level of frustration and intervene before it happens and at the same time give her the appropriate words to use at that moment to express what she's feeling. Children will throw tantrums. Teach her to verbalize her feelings and also help her to understand that sometimes you have to do other things or go somewhere and help her to learn how to handle her feelings in a more appropriate manner. This will take time. Have lots of patience, pray and let the teachers know they have your support. As an Early Care and Education teacher it means the world to know that we have your support and you have ours.
Hope this helps.

Don't feel bad. My son was the "police man" of his room at daycare and bit the kids when they weren't following directions. We taught him some sign language to help with frustration. For the biting, we put Listerine in a small spray bottle and gave a squirt when he bit. It doesn't hurt and freshens their breath. He figured it out in a couple days and didn't bit again. We recently starting using it again for my daughter (11 yo) who was being mouthy. Good luck.

usually little ones bite because they want to express themsleves...their feelings. ask your day care providers to follow your lead on this one...it is not a quick fix, but it should help. when your little one becomes "emotional" (could be mad, happy, excited...) she wants to express that "verbally" BUT she doesn't nave the language skills to speak, so she bites! When she gets emotional, say, "(name), are you sad that mommy has to leave now? Its okay to be sad...how about if you sit with a teacher or other kid and ...blah, blah, blah...mommy has to work and you get to play. I will be back as soon as work is over. I love you very much." that way she will see that you/ her caretakers understand her and she won't feel the need to bite her way to an understanding. Please don't be embarrissed...if you could control her, you would. she has her own mind and she will someday be a HUGE talker!!!
Best wishes, K.

Honestly, it could be a cry for attention. I know that being a stay-at-home mom isn't for everyone, but maybe she needs your time and attention. I was a working single Mom and my son is totally different now - when I quit working and started being hoem for him.

Biting and tantrums are often the result of frustration. Maybe you can start showing your daughter appropriate ways to express frustration. I always took my daughter to a bed and told her that she could hit and kick the bed and the pillows. It may help to be on the look out for your daughter's triggers and try to head off a bite or a tantrum. If you know that she won't want to stop playing, talk to her about how you have to leave soon, give her a count down, and when it is time to leave, simply leave, tantrum or not. My daughter responded well to having a lot of warning before we had to do something.

You have a lot of good advice here. I agree with most of it. It most likely is teething, frustration, or attention. All those things need a lot of one on one attention.

I felt from your email that you may be questioning the day care center. If your gut feels the provider isn't taking care of her or that you are unsure of their procedures, maybe consider a different center. I don't know if you are a single mom and have to work but, if it's an option, it also sounds like if you want to be the one in control of how she behaves then you should consider staying home. I know that is a difficult decision. And you are not a "bad" person for making it either way. It's what works best for your family.

My last suggestion is a wonderful children's book called "Teeth are not for biting" (there are others such as "hands are not for hitting." We would read this regularly to our sons and then when they would attempt to bite, we would remind them that "teeth are not for biting" and then ask "what are teeth for? and they would say what the book says, "teeth are for eating, smiling, etc.."

Best wishes!

As for the tantrums; sometimes it works to show them exactly how silly they look. Next time she does it throw yourself down and realy go for it. Throw your own tantrum to the extream. When your done look at her for a while calmly, then after a while go to her and say "I'm sorry; I'll be good, I love you" and give her a hug. Being on her level and showing her might get through to her. As for the biting problem... This can become serious if it can't be nipped in the bud. If you've already tryed to bite her back, and it hasn't worked(it hardly ever does) it might be time to put some big time scared streight fear into her. Now this is a little extream but it works when all else fails. To do this you have to keep in mind that you're doing it to stop her from causing harm to other's, and remember it's not hurting her. It's for her own good. You have to tell her that the next time she bites someone you're going to pull out all of her teeth, so that she can't do it anymore. Then when she does it again... You have to get very angry, stomp off to wherever you keep your tools, get a pair of pliers(I used toy ones, but my daughter didn't know the difference) come back into the room, and tell her that she was warned, and now you're going to have to pull them all out. Hold her down on the ground, and the whole time telling her why you feel you have to do it. She'll probably be screaming and trying to get away, but you have to make sure that the message gets across. Don't let her up. You have to accually put the pliers on her front teeth, and tell her you're sorry, but you have to do it so the other kids don't have to get hurt anymore. Then when she thinks it's at the last moment; let her up, sit her in front of you, and talk to her about why you're willing to pull out all of her teeth. Constant explaining is key getting the message across to her. Warn her that if it happens again next time you won't stop, and she will loose her teeth untill she learns that they aren't weapons. It's harsh, but like I said it's the one thing that usually always works when all else fails. The ticket is to be strong yourself, and know that you're doing it for her own good.

first of all do NOT feel like a bad mom - you're not! my son is 19 months - when he was about your daughter's age, he had not really started talking a LOT, but was learning to have his own opinions about things. this led to him getting frustrated sometimes (which still happens) but where now he'll say "NO!" or is able to tell me what he does want, then, he just couldn't. i would literally see him get frustrated, and i could almost see his little wheels turning where he just got so mad he didn't know what to do. luckily, my son just bit the closest thing and it was always a chair or table (that i know of) and we seem to have gotten past that stage. i can't really give any advice except that it doesn't make you a bad mom or her a bad kid, and she'll get over this. when you see her doing it, don't freak out, just talk her through it. the sooner she learns the vocab she needs to express her anger, the better. good luck!
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i had something else to add! L., when you say the daycare is "disciplining" her but you don't know how - you need to find out. 16 months is really young for most forms of "discipline". she doesn't understand timeouts, or any other form i can think of. the only thing she really needs right now is distraction and redirection. if the daycare providers are doing much more than that i would consider that might be the problem. a lil one like that isn't going to understand "discipline", so that will probably lead to MORE frustration, making the biting worse. just a thought. good luck!

I got this from my PAT lady hope it helps:

Biting is a natural behavior for very young children and a big challenge for parents! If your toddler is biting, don't worry. He/she is beginning to learn how to get along with others. You can teach him/her better ways to act out his.her feelings and get what he/she needs.

Reasons why toddler bites

He/she is exploring things--even people--with his/her mouth and teeth.
He/she may be teething, and biting makes his/her gums feel better.
He/She doesn't have the words to say what he/she wants or needs.
He/she may feel tense or excited.
He/she may want some extra attention.
He/she doesn't have the skills to handle anger or frustration.
He/she may be responding to another child's aggression or defending his/her possessions.
He/she is interested in seeing the effects of his/her actions.
He/she may be mimicking other children or TV characters that bite.

Ways to prevent your toddler from biting

These techniques are helpful for preventing other aggressive behaviors as well.

Provide teething toys, frozen breadsticks or bagels, and other safe objects to chew on.
Avoid "gonna eat you up" games and affectionate nibbling on fingers and toes. These activities send mixed messages about biting.
Closely supervise your toddler in social situations.
Watch him/her for signs of rising frustration or tension.
Give him/her outlets for his/her tension, frustration, andger and excitment.
Teach him/her words to express his/her needs-- "Stop that!" or "Dont't take my toy!"
Show him/her better ways to get attention-saying "help" or patting someone's arm instead of biting.
"Catch" your child when he/she's treating others nicely and tell him/her how well he/she's doing.

Remember, your child learns self-control and kindness by watching you!

You are not a bad mom. Has the teachers suggested anything to you? Are you able to come in and watch her wout her knowing you are there so you can see what might be triggering it? Or is there a camera in the daycare where she goes? If so then ask if you can view the tapes to see if you can tell what is happening. Because maybe someone is doing something to her that she isn't liking. When my children bit we bit back which I know isn't right and doesn't work for all kids but it worked for ours. When my children and my now daycare children have a fit like you are talking about I bend down to their level and calmly say when you are ready we will go back or start blah blah blah. I wait for them I don't try and pick them up or cuddle them since it is something that they cannot express to me since they are to small. My children who are 10 and 11 now were the same way when they were little. Mine did not bite but once and it was my husband or I not other children. Ask the teachers how they are disciplining her, are they just putting her in time out or are they redirecting her to something else. Maybe if possible more one on one time in the classroom or daycare not sure where she goes, just to see if it makes any changes. She isn't going to understand if you tell her if she doesn't stop biting she is going to have to go play away from the children. If they see her getting frustrated ask her if she wants to draw and color, this might allow her to get some of her frustration out because she can scribble slam the crayons down and such. I am not an expert by no means but I would not feel like a bad mom. Honestly when I have to do a bunch of acident/incident reports for one child a feel guilty like the parents don't feel I am taking good enough care of their child.

You are not a bad mom although people like to make you feel like one when you have a biter. Take it from me YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! Some children are just biters...mine started at 9mth old with only 2 teeth! There was no sort of discipline that worked. He seemed mostly to bite out of frustration, lack of ability to express himself, and when somebody had done something to him first (obviously by the other parents standards, not as bad as biting). He couldn't & still can't handle being in large uncontrolled groups, too much stimulation & he acts out. I went to the pediatrician, PAT, parent helplines & nothing that worked. Teething didn't help the situation, we used frozen gogurts, waffles, french toast sticks, wash cloths dampened and put into the freezer. As far as the fits, your best solution is just don't let her get attention over them, as this is what she is wantng (to be in control) She also may be acting out to the new baby coming. People condemning my son for biting made me only love him even more! Things will get better, but only with ALOT of time & patience. She may do better in a quieter home environment if you know anyone that does it, just unitil she's a little older.

Well I have definantly been in your situation. I recently just stopped providing childcare for a set of twins who went through a horrible biting phase. I tried timeout with them and it did not work. I started isolating them from thier "friends". They had to either stay with me or in another room. Needles to say they figured out that it was no fun to play by yourself. The problem with the twins was that they kept biting each other so it took a little longer for them to get out of this phase. As far as the tempertantrums the best thing to do is walk away and ignore her. Her daycare should have a timeout spot, and that should be the only discipline they are administering. The fits are normal but they will get over it. Maybe something there is bothering her or another kid is mean to her. Is she biting when she gets into a disagreement with another child? Maybe she does not know how to handle the situation and that is her only out. My son who is now three started biting at that age but only his sister since he was home with just her and grandma. One day he bit my husband, my husband decided to bite him back - to which my response was pure astonishment, I was pretty upset with him but my son never bit anyone again. Of course my husband did not hurt him but it got through to my sons head. I am NOT recomending that you bite your child but it did work for mine. Anyway I hope that helps a little. I wish I had more advice for you!

Hi L.,
I have a 22 month old that is in daycare and has been on the other end of the biting quite often recently. Please do not feel like a bad mom. The fact that you are concerned, clearly shows you are a caring one. My daycare gives clean washcloths to the kids who bite. They tell them to bite the washcloth instead each other. It seems to have worked for them.

Check this site for other requests/responses. I think I have seen this question before. All my best and good luck!

This is not unusual behavior. But, you need to figure out how you are going to address unwanted behaviour. Ask the folks at day care what they do for discipline. You should know! You may ask them for suggestions on how to follow up at home, they may give you some good ideas. For a child this young, however, it is very difficult to discipline them for something that happened hours ago. They can't always make the connection between the biting and the discipline.

Discipline means to teach. Just like learning the ABCs, saying please and thank, you have to repeat the correct behavior until it is learned. Some things are learned quickly, others may take a LONG time. You have to be the mom, and keep at it.

As of the tantrums. you will continue to see them as long as you tolerate them. They are meant to get your attention, she is seeking power over your actions and attentions. Your first step is to ignore them and she does not get whatever she is throwing the tantrum about - your attention, your presence, whatever. I did not "hear" tantrums, whining, etc. If my kids wanted something from me, they asked politely. They are 17 and 21 now and pretty great people. We enjoy each others company. It takes work.

Good luck!