Birthday Party for 4 Yr Old

I didn't call her to ask, it was a text. She took about 10 mins to respond. Then she responded again. I asked her to be honest both times. The party is not at his mom's house, rather at a public park. Still, I have alteady chosen to be civil, and will not bring my gf. Thanks to all the responses!

It would be inappropriate to bring her, without asking your ex first.

The text was definitely the honest answer in my opinion. It sounds like you took her off guard a little bit when you called, and after thinking about it she decided she wouldn't be comfortable with your gf there. Props to you both for being mature about this and doing what's best for your son. I agree that serious relationships should be different, and that a fiance or long term gf or bf would be different. She should also have to clear any future bf's with you before bringing him to family events, there shouldn't be a double standard just because you are the dad and she's the mom.

I'd ask your ex this question.

Ask your Ex and accept her answer.

Assuming that you are keeping a birthday party for a 4 year old very small and not overwhelmingly large and frantic, your ex and your girlfriend will be very close together. This is up to your ex to decide, and secondarily your girlfriend needs to weigh in on how she feels about it. If you are having a big huge party (and when you say "sharing costs" I wonder if it's at an expensive venue and there will be a ton of people), then you have to ask yourself if your son is already going to be overwhelmed by the activity and noise level. Is there a lot of work to be done and you want an extra pair of hands? Is your girlfriend the best person to do this?

Ask yourself what the purpose is? Do you want someone to talk to who is not your ex? Not a good reason. Will it be all your ex's family and you are afraid of being outnumbered so you want someone on "your team"? Understandable but not necessarily a good idea. Do you want your ex to see that you have someone in your life and she doesn't? Bad idea. Do you want your ex to get to know this girlfriend to see that she is a decent person and someone your ex can feel secure about her son being with? Better idea, but the birthday party may or may not be the best way to do this. Do you want your son surrounded by all kinds of people who love him? Good idea - but again, he's 4, so he's not going to really connect to who is there and who is not. How long have you been dating this girlfriend and how serious is it? Is her presence in your life likely to be threatening in any way to your ex? Is your ex-wife seeing someone who will be there? Then yes, your girlfriend should be included. That presumes that both of the new relationships are not brand new. Those are just some of the issues to be looked at.

I'm a second wife so I've been there. It's not easy for her to go into a situation with the ex and her group of people. It's also not up to your girlfriend to be upset about being excluded if she's been in your life for less than a year. Sometimes divorced parents are going to do things without the girlfriend/boyfriend or second spouse. Parent-teacher conferences, doctor visits come to mind. At some point, however, the new relationship becomes part of the extended family and I think there has to be some movement to start including her. But so much depends on how long you've been together, how acrimonious your divorce was, and what the relationship is now between you and your ex. If it were up to my husband's ex, I would never had gone to anything at all, ever, for at least 15 years - and that's not good for anyone either.

I do think it's good that you raised the question though instead of just taking your girlfriend along.

I don't agree with everyone that you have to ask the ex in all situations.
If the party is at her house or one of her relatives, then yes you should ask before hand. I do agree that the length of the relationship does play a role in the appropriateness of bringing a girl friend. Engaged or Married should be allowed to come regardless of ex feelings as these are committed relationships and this new person needs to have positive experiences with your son as well.

I don't believe that because you are divorced that you have to have your own celebrations separate from the child's mother. As a step-mother myself for 8 yrs, my husband realized how sad it is for his children that they rarely have time when they are with both parents. Thankfully this is getting better. Plus there are some events that only occur once and and both parents should be there like graduations, baptisms, championship games, etc. Best of luck figuring this out between you.

I also vote ask your ex. If she's not comfortable with it, explain to your girlfriend that you're respecting your ex's wishes for the sake of your son's bday party (drama-free) - hopefully she will understand that the priority here is your son, not creating competition between your girlfriend and your ex-wife.

I agree with your mom and your ex. I think it would take away from the focus of your son and his birthday, even if it is not your intention to do that. It is just inapproporiate. You can have your own little party for your son at your house and include the girlfriend because she is a part of your life, but for the party at the kid's mom's house, dont bring an ex unless you're married, relationship etiquette foul!! Especially if you want to remain civil with his mom!!

You are a separate family now. You don't get to share holidays and birthdays anymore. Dude, have your own family party and invite your own friends and family. Kiddo gets to have 2 parties and 2 everything now.