Birthday Party Dilemma - Atlanta,GA

Wow- I would RSVP with a "no" for a ocuple of reasons:
1. He said he didn't want to go several times so he probably really doesn't enjoy this other child.
2. If he's calling the boy "stinky pig" you really don't want that phrase used at the party
3. Your son may benefit from learning a little lesson here... he made a choice adn now he needs tolive with it.

As for the kid stinking, I would talk to the preschool teacher about the whole thing and see what she says. Even if the child doesn't "smell" she should be aware of the name-calling that is going on in the classroom. Bring her attention to it (if she isn't already aware) and ask her what words she is using to stop the behavior so you can reinforce it at home (hint: this will let the teacher know that you are keeping an eye on this and she should too!). If the child really does have an off-putting odor, you may want to encourage the teacher to bring it up with the parent.

He doesn't want to go...call and express your regrets and don't take him.
Don't even mention the party to him anymore---I think he's getting frustrated at the continued mention of it.

Do not RSVP in the positive, b/c they will be charged for you/ your child.

He has said it loud and clear...he doesn't want to go.
My advice is to leave it be and save your energy for the big battles.

Go to the party. He was invited. You are the parent and kids say crazy things sometimes whether they're true or not. My daughter turned 5 in August used similar names about 2 boys in her preschool class and didn't want them there. Well I am all inclusive and invited them anway. Party turned out great and all the kids had a great time. I think your son will too. After the party he'll forget all about the fact that his will be there too.

I don't think you should RSVP yes. And yes, I agree with your logical consequences thinking.

At this age, I think "coaching" is the way to think of it. You should "coach" your son to keep it simple, instead of encouraging him to lie. Tell him that ALL he should say is, "I won't be going or I won't be there" IF he is asked.

As far as the "stinky" thing goes, he's 4. Body talk is HUGE and gets lots of laughs and attention. Farts, toots, stink, making fun of other people for the way they look "different", etc. I don't think this means your son isn't sweet, it's a very age appropriate thing to do.

That being said, I think we all "coach" our kids on what's appropriate to say and what's not. It sounds like he's talking about stink because it makes everyone laugh, not at him, but he's getting the attention for being funny.

It sounds like you're doing/saying all the right things.

There will be MANY MORE of these issues that come up. I have found the simplest way to combat any bad behavior from my kids is to remind them of The Golden Rule. More often than not, that's covers it. If they don't want to be told they stink, have classmates laugh AT them, etc. then they're likely not going to do it/say it.

Even when we've had other kids over for playdates, I've gently reminded the kids to remember The Golden Rule - treat others like you want to be treated - then everyone gets along great.

Hang in there mama.

I think I would be at the school talking to the teacher. If this child is not potty trained completely he could have "that" odor about his hiney from not wiping or maybe peeing during the night and not having time to shower int he morning.

But at the very least the teacher needs to know there is a bullying issue and that it needs to be addressed, how incredibly sad for this little boy. If you do nothing, even though your son is doing the bullying and you have verbally addressed it at home, he will get the idea that you condone it. By your inaction to bring it to the teachers attention. Your helping to stop it sends a more solid message then just saying, at home, don't say/do those things.

My gut reaction is to RSVP no, because your child has repeatedly said he doesn't want to go. I'd also consider talking to his teacher about this - saying something along the lines of "it concerns me that my son says he calls another child 'stinky' at school and that a lot of other children do this too. Have you observed anything like that happening in the classroom and do you have suggestions for how we can reinforce kind behavior in our child instead of name calling" - that way you can find out what the teacher's observations are without sounding like you're ratting on the other kids or suggesting that the teacher doesn't have things under control, KWIM?

I think you've already covered being polite with your son, and telling him it is NOT OK to make a big point to tell this little boy he isn't coming or doesn't want to come to his party. But really, he doesn't have to go. I wouldn't even bring it up with him again. I would NOT lie and tell the other Mom your child is sick. Just simply RSVP no, but thank you, my son will not be able to attend. You can try to send the Mom and email or leave a nice message on her home voice mail during a time you think she may not be home. You really don't need to give them a more detailed explanation on why your son isn't going. You did say, this is a classmate, not a close friend. If pressed by any chance, I'd just say, "I'm sorry, he's just not up for attending the party, but I hope X has a great time with the other kids" I wouldn't even give it a second thought that your son might change is mind and want to go at the last minute. If that happens, it's a good life lesson. He shouldn't get to go. You can insist your son be polite, but you can't force him to like or to be friends with anyone. If you force him to go, you run a high risk of him being resentful and not being a good guest. That isn't fair to the birthday child. So I'd just RSVP no and let it go.

You are handling this really well with your son. I do agree with everything Krista P. said in her response. R.S.V.P "no", when the party comes around and your son changes his mind I think it will be a good lesson as well. Teachers know way more about what is going on than we do so I am sure you will get some guidance from her.

My 3 year old is in preschool and there is a girl who hits in her class and she would come home saying this girl is mean and I don't want to be her friend. Instead of agreeing I turned it all around so my daughter would start to have sympathy for her and we prayed every night for this classmate for her to stop hitting. It was awesome, several nights after, my daughter at prayer time would praise God for helping this little girl stop hitting. What I loved about it is I taught her how to be compassionate instead of her not liking this girl. I was like you where I thought it was not like my daughter to come home and say someone is mean and she doesn't like them.

You are doing a good job, hang in there!!