Bio Parents Visistation

I agree with a few posts here - but mainly, keep her home as her haven!
Have the visits elsewhere just for this reason - she needs to feel she's safe someplace!

Oh lord, stories like these make me so glad I was adopted 44 years ago. Do they actually consider the feelings of the child when they decide this is a good idea?

I wish I could give you advice, instead give your daughter a hug for me.

Okay, I'm going to give you a long rambling answer and it barely answers your question!

My niece has lived with us for two years as well, and is turning five in a month!

For me, self care is absolutely essential. Without it I'm a mess through this sort of stuff.

It's important that our kids feel safe and I think they mostly take their ques from us. If we remain stable, safe, and open, they will better be able to anchor and orient from a place of trust. They'll have a better chance at being able to process through conflicting emotions of confusion, grief, anger, rejection, abandonment, fear, attachment, and love.

I listen a lot to my niece when she talks about her feelings. I make sure to reflect them back to her so she knows I've understood. I try not to take things personally, whether it's her being angry at me or missing her bio parents. I remind her that it's okay to feel upset. It's also okay to love them and me at the same time. It's my job to keep her safe and make choices to her protection. It's not my job to make her choose between us, so I don't ask her to appropriate my upset (this might not be an issue for other folks...I need to be pretty vigilant so as to not do this).

I don't know about you, but I feel a lot of fear around my niece's bio parents. They are very unpredictable and volatile people who have a difficult time not leaving a wake of damage behind them. My niece is rooted in our home. She feels apart of us and is so present in her life. When she came too us, she was deeply shaken. I really think she's going to be okay. It's been incredibly challenging, but now she's a pretty solid little kid. I really love her a lot and want her to know it in her bones. She needs us, you know?

So anyway, if I were to see her bio parents I'd need a lot of support to stay solid and remain consistent. My tummy feels tight when I think about her bio parents getting an opportunity to interrupt her sense of place and stability. I have to put my feelings aside and show up fully.

Problem is, I'm a big feelings guy. I'm sensitive and I think a lot. So, I've got to have outlets and support so that I can BE the person I want my children to see. For me, that takes help.

I talk about it a lot with people I love. I get from them, they give to me. My girlfriends help me stay strong. They love me right on through it all and we watch out for each other. Child care trades, soup when sick, midnight tea at the dinner table, just talking it all over. Learning from it. Affirming each other.

Also, it helps me to trust in my higher power. That might sound cheesy, but it really helps me stay cool. I pray every day that, no matter the sequence of events, my children stay safe and together. I pray we get our needs met, even if we don't get what I want. I trust that, in the great scheme of things, it'll be okay.

Recently I found a play therapist who rocks. She comes into our house, does an activity with all of us, and then she and I chat and trouble shoot. It took me ages to find someone who had the skills I desired, but I'm so glad we have her. It's great too to have someone documenting my niece's progress and the ways she belongs in our home niece.

I attend a support group. I facilitate a different support group. Both help me to develop the skills necessary, so that we can better traverse our lives.

My husband and I have had to do an immense amount of work in our marriage. It's good, because we're finally equals (it took a lot of work) and are stronger than ever. The stress of the first year when my niece came to live with us, was extreme. It was hard to grow through it.

My mom gives me a night every few weeks without the kids. That's good for me and my marriage. We do dates alone with each of our kids too and they have a few separate activities.

I try to keep a sense of humor and to not sweat the small stuff.
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The women I know whose children are in supervised visits, usually have been able to arrange court supervised visits at a safehouse. Others have a trusted family member supervise, someone whom they know will make sure their kids stay emotionally safe. The nice thing about the court supervised visits is that the guardian can get transcripts of the time and are able to know if the bio parent is putting unhealthy stuff on their kids. The other folks I know who supervise visits usually stand outside and read a book, unless there is need to supervise with closer proximity.
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Not sure if any of that was helpful, but I'm sending you one and your daughter one million bubbles of hope, strength, and protection.

The visit should not be at your home. It should be in a supervised location for everyone's protection. You and you daughter do not need the biological patents knowing where you live. The bio parents and your daughter need the assistance of a trained professional in what is a very confusing situation.

You hug the bio parents. And you say thank you so much for this gift you have given to our family. You tell your daughter "I am such a lucky mommy to have you" "I am such a lucky mommy that "X" gave us the wonderful gift of you. You let them visit. You let them see that yes they did make the right decision letting you have the baby and yes they made the right decision not having an abortion. You make some snacks and ask if they would like a pop / cookie etc. You visit with them. You ask where there life is going now. You introduce your daughter to them and say "you grew in x's belly" you make it very matter of fact. it should not be big and stressful. and at 2 your daughter will have no clue what is going on except the clues you give. if you make a big dramatic oh my god what am I going to do thing then that is what she will pick up on. if you just say hey we are going to play at the park with "x" then thats what you do and that will be that. she is not old enough for big dramatic stuff. Take a deep breath and say a prayer of thanks.

This truly gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it! Ughhh!! I would rather stab myself in the eye than go through this.

I have written to you before, I took in my niece at ten days old and still went through very emotional issues when we had contact with the birth mom. It wasn't until our final court date for the adoption that I felt safe.

This isn't Teen Mom where the bio-parents are supporting your adoption and all is happy. These kids don't support you as the parents and I'm afraid there will be problems! Yikes!

Best of luck to you!

You're the mom. Do your very best to make this fun and not scary for your child. Depending on the weather, I would go to a park with them, or a movie or a mall or anything your daughter likes. It's supervised, so you will be there the whole time. Make it fun! Good luck! Let us know when you've got the adoption done. I'm sure it'll be a big relief.

I read some of the answers below. I am really going to agree with Jen. This visit should NOT be done at your home!
I am a foster parent. I have, in the past, supervised visits for two of my kids with their bio parents. One of them even was allowed to visit in my home. This was MY choice. I knew the circumstances, I knew I was safe, I knew the bio mom was never a physical threat. Things were wonderful. However, I have had other cases where, not only would I not allow parents to come to my house, they were not to know where we lived either.
First and foremost you have to keep your daughter safe, physically and emotionally. Even if these people won't physically harm your daughter, she is very stressed about the visit, and God forbid, she has a bad experience, she will associate that with her home (your home!).
Don't do it. Make the visit elsewhere.
Congrats on your uncoming adoption, and hang in there! I know it's hard and stressful and you are doing the best you can!

Is there any way you could do the visit at a park, or play place? That will take the pressure off of you to play "hostess" to these people. Also, as others have mentioned, it will keep your home as a safe haven for your daughter. She doesn't need to worry about strangers in her house.

How old is your daughter? 2?

Does the court expect you to supervise the visit? When my neice was a baby they let me supervise the visits my sister had, in my home, anytime I wanted to let her come. After repeated screw-ups on my sisters part, visits were moved to DHS and I wasn't even allowed to stay.