Big Drama over Little Issues, How Can I Curb This?

House rules in mine have always been

- If you whine, you don't get what you want
- if you throw a fit you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout.

_________

I may WANT my son to (eat, get healthy exercise, etc.)

BUT

(See above).

Period.

This includes whining or throwing a fit to get a "pass" on something he doesn't want to do. Nope. I can tell when that's happening. Its done. Period. This also includes : attention, being left alone, etc.

LOL.... TRUST me, making a healthy thing forbidden due to bad behavior isn't the end of the world. It makes it COVETED instead. Wanted 10x as badly be ause they can't have it.

2 birds meet 1 stone

Shazam!
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Something I did on a LIMITED basis with 3-5 kids in the house

"If you fight over it, IT is on timeout".

This only works when both/all actually want it. Sneaky kids often fight over something JUST to "take it away" from the other kid!!! This is a judgement call thing. And, by "on timeout" we're talking days. Not minutes. Fight over it, and its gone. I won't throw it away (cruel), but you're not gonna have it!

get rid of all of them and just use regular dishes. you can get at the dollar store some plastic plates and if I was you I would get one color.

How much can some Target melamine be? (Answer: I know for a fact not much) Seriously. Avoid the headaches and spend a few bucks buying all the same colors. It's worth the avoided daily headaches.

Next meal, tell them before you serve them that you are not playing that game any more. Then, give them whatever cup, fork, plate is available. The first complaint, take it back, throw food/drink away and tell them they're done. Be very matter-of-fact. Do not respond to any of their comments or whines - completely block it out and go about your business. They will learn that what's important is the food, not what it's served on. Truly, if you want to be done with this argument, you just have to be done and not participate.

I was going to suggest you let them take turns choosing which cup/plate they use. But then thought this was too much attention too. I suggest that you not tolerate whining. Tell the 5 yo ahead of time that if she chooses to whine, make a fuss, then she'lll not get any juice, dinner and will go to her room until she calm down and come back in a neutral to good mood. Ignore the 2 yo. Explain, during a calm time what will happen and then make it happen every time.

The 2 yo wouldn't understand that process. I suggest that this is another form of sibling rivalry. The two are feeding off each other. When you remove one you've changed the dynamics.

You could start out by simply ignoring the whining. Tell them, you can't hear them when they whine. It will be tough but if you can consistently ignore them over a week or two I suggest that they'll learn that whining gets them no attention which is what they're after. If you have to leave the room to catch your breath. Return once you've reinforced your resolve.

If you're not having this difficulty with the two of them in other aspects of your life, then I'd get inexpensive plastic plates and cups all the same color and put the character ones away.

After ;your SWH Seems like you want to set the table with matching character dishes and cutlery. Why would you need 6 set? And why would your continue to provide character plates, etc.? Seems like the consequences of not cooperating with how you set the table would be to have plain and inexpensive settings. If using character sets is important to you then use the character sets you have for treats or rewards.

And after your added note. You can stop the fights over colors by just telling them this is what they get. I think you're over thinking this situation and turning it into a problem. Sounds like you want perfection when you need to be the mom and set boundaries. i.e. you like them have character dishes and specific colors. It's not working so try something different.

I do not agree that you should take away the food if they whine about the dishes. Give them the food on the plate and let them either eat it or not. Do not accept whining. Set your boundary at no whining and stick with it. You are doing them a disfavor by trying to make them happy all of the time. You just cannot do it and are setting yourself and them up for continued disappointment. Tell them what they get and be done with it until they're older and can learn about sharing. Yes, your 5 yo could learn that now but youre 2 yo can't. So take charge!

I would be done with that battle too. I wouldn't let them choose, I would just serve them whatever color you have. If they whine, you take away the food. Put the plate or juice in the fridge. Do not engage, make threats, or change your tone. Be matter-of-fact. When they are ready to sit at the table without whining, they can have their juice or food back.

If they melt down, ignore it, or send them to their room to melt down.

Don't buy new stuff, don't give in, don't even pay attention to it with charts or letting them choose. That gives it more power.

When they are done eating, they can learn how to wash their own cups and spoons. It's perfectly safe to get a stool, fill the sink with some warm (not hot) soapy water and let them do their own dishes. (If they don't do a good job, then you re-do it later when they're not around). Taking some responsibility for their dinnerware will help curb the whining. Even the 2-year old will feel special putting her hands in the soapy water as long as there are just cups in the water and nothing sharp.

I'll never forget, my brother and I used to fight who got the special cup with the bear at the bottom. One day my father had enough and he threw it away. We never argued again. Years and years later I found out my mom fished it out of the garbage and saved it for us. Now that we're grown up we laugh about it because that silly cup is still at my parent's house!

Good luck!

Here's my idea (haven't read the other responses, so pardon if mine is a repeat)...
Just go buy dishes that all look the same. Done.
Seriously... cutesie cups and forks are supposed to be fun. They certainly aren't necessary. So, since it isn't fun (because all they do is argue over them), then lose them. Go with plain Jane. Then there is nothing to argue over.
When they start showing they can compromise or accept what they are given with grace (whatever it is they are given) then you have the option of bringing back the pink or tinkerbell.
And really, at 2 and 5, your 2 year old isn't going to learn much about sharing right now, except that it is acceptable to argue over everything, at the rate things appear to be going. Your 5 year old will learn from losing the privilege altogether. They'll have many many opportunities to learn about sharing and diplomacy as they grow. But they're only 2 and 5. You need your sanity. Go Plain Jane and you will have it.

ETA: Oh.. and I would not make a big deal about plain dishes. In fact, I wouldn't even mention it AT ALL. Just serve them on/in it. When they ask about Tinkerbell, pink, whatever... just be matter-of-fact: "Oh, well since it was always turning into drama and an argument, we aren't using those anymore. These are the dishes we will use now." The end... walk away. And don't let yourself be drawn into a debate/drama over the new stuff. If they backtalk, then correct them however you normally would for backtalk (a timeout perhaps?)...

I understand the need for the lidded cups and such, but in the future, just buy as plain of ones as possible..... kids don't need fancy divided plates... if you really want divided plates, get very inexpensive ones at the dollar store. Same with the utensils.

If they ask why they don't have the special ones anymore, tell them that since they fought over them so much, they were put away.

No argument, no pleading, nothing... just a very matter of fact voice. "This is what we have now to use."

Obviously, have only one color. Then if they still have a fit, walk over, dump out whatever is in the cup or plate and say, "now you get nothing". No more battles. Good luck.

You get what you get and you don't have a fit...that is the saying in our house.

If you don't like it...I will put it away and bring it out later.

or you can go to Sam's/Costco and buy a package of throw away clear plastic cups/plates/spoons. They are all the same, clear...rinse them out and reuse them a couple of times each them throw them in the recycling bin.

Jane,
We went through this when I was a kid. Well, I was the oldest, and my brothers were the ones doing the bickering over plates, cups and cutlery. I learned from that that once I was a parent, we would have uniform dishes! We have only ever had plain dishes- I really like the Corelle brand because they are lightweight but very durable. You can get a set of 4 plates, dessert plates, bowls and mugs at Wal Mart for $25 bucks.
A lecture probably won't work. I really would just chuck or donate the character and colored dishes and get a set of all the same. My kids aren't perfect, but we have never once had that fight.
Also, the old adage: "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit". Tell them this in a matter of fact voice, repeat as necessary. Also, if there are fits about dishes/food served/etc. they get one warning and if they don't stop they can go to time out/miss the dinner or snack.

Yes.

You can have your juice in the glass you have, or I can take your juice away.

Throw the dang things in the trash. If they fight over it then they lose it.

You might make a chart that says whose turn it is to chose the cup they want first, then the other one gets the plate choice, first, etc. So they each get something "first". Or they pick your plate and you pick theirs. There were nights where DD picks odd place settings and we eat off them anyway b/c she's so proud.

What you might also try is "I understand that you are upset that you did not get the pink cup this time. It is your sister's turn and it will be your turn later. Do you want the blue cup or the green cup?" If she refuses to choose, then either choose for her or don't give her a cup at all.

My DD would say, "My tummy hurts" when she's really frustrated, sad or mad. I started giving her words for that. "I'm sad that x happened." She's 4.5, an age that is easier to reason with than 2. I've also told her, "I feel sad when people yell at me. Do you think you made me sad, too? So how about we start over." Sometimes I've "introduced myself" to break the ice. "Hi, I'm Mom and I'll be your Mom today." and hold out my hand and wiggle her arm to "shake" her hand. It's goofy enough that usually she laughs.

ETA: IKEA. If you can get to an IKEA, get two sets each of the plastic plates, cups and forks/spoons/knives. They are really cheap, so if they get lost or whatever, you are out 50 cents. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/categories/departments/...

Similarly, if you need a cup with a lid, try take and toss cups.

I always give my kids choices. "You can either drink your juice from the green cup or not have juice right now, which would you rather do?" If she still says I want the pink cup then I would respond with "That was not a choice on the list, if you continue to complain, you can go to your room and think about your options there. Now would you like to drink from the green cup, not have your drink or go to your room?" If the whining continues then you tell her she lost her right to choose and now you are going to choose for her and send her to her room.

Kids will see what they can get away with, but they also do like choices. Even it isn't exactly what they have in mind, they like to have some control over decisions.

Hope that helps......

Well I have a girl (older) and son (the younger one).
So, I "remind" my daughter that when she was younger, she was like that too.
Now she is older. And her brother is still young and in that "stage."
So I tell her, why even "argue" with him about it?
He's in this stage now, like when you were that age.
And I explain, that she can understand. Which she does.
Then in light of that... she will compromise... and will sympathize with him, and actually let him.
Problem solved.

As far as "manipulation".... I actually tell my kids "I know what you are trying to do. You cannot manipulate me." and I call them on it. Problem solved.
You had a good retort to your eldest.
You called her on it.
Good.

Don't buy dishes. This is just a time to teach.

I had a cousin who had four kids at the time I was watching them. The four year old whined and whined for the blue glass that his SS had. He had done this before, obviously. I said, no she got it and that's that. He broke into a louder whine that let me know this wasn't the first time, BUT IT DOESN'T matter! I said, yes, that's why SHE is keeping the cup!

As a primary teacher, I deal with this type of issue daily. It is very developmentally appropriate for your young children to want to get their way. I really like the suggestion for your children to take turns. You can make a chart for keeping track or an easier way would be to take their pictures, laminate, and put Velcro on the back of the picture. You could create a small card or poster and change their pictures daily. You can do this with anything (jobs, choices, responsibility, etc.) that may be difficult for you and your children. AND I would present this as an EXCITING solution! Have a family meeting show them what you made JUST FOR THEM! (It's all about selling your idea.). Make sure that you also, as a team, decide on consequences when they start whining or throw a fit, etc. ..."cause you want to be fair and make sure everyone has their choice, ect." Children will usually push or try you when they don't get their way, but stick with the consequences and they'll eventually get it. Your children's Kindergarten teachers will appreciate your hard work and good parenting skills. :). If they really, really push you, then I'd try some of the other suggestions and use clear utensils and cups...for a week (that's a consequence). Then, after a week of using clear utensils, try taking turns again. Good Luck...parenting can be so difficult.

Ikea has a ton of good, cheap plates, bowls, cups etc. for kids. We have some pieces that we bought 6 of for $1.99 (as in $1.99 for 6, not each) more than 5 years ago that we still use.

I feel your pain. My youngest is 7 and the two younger kids (the other is almost 9, my other kids are teenagers) still fight about "the whirly fork," which is this one random fork we have with a swirl on the end of the handle. And then there's "the blue plate" - we have three blue plates, but one is more special than the rest. I never really did anything about it other than to tell them to knock it off and that if they kept it up, I'd take everything away and give them nothing but plain things. It was more annoying than unbearable, but if they really do keep it up, get rid of everything special and replace with the cheapest, plainest items you can find.

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/categories/departments/...

ETA the onus needs to be on your 5 year old to set the example. You can't reason with a 2 year old. Your 5 year old is old enough to understand and get over herself.

I have an only, but my friends with 2 kids that fight would simply take the item being fought over, out of the equation. If they're going to fight, then NO ONE gets it. It always seemed to work.

You explain that her attitude is hurting your feelings. If she wants a different cup she can wash it (yes a 5 yr old can wash a cup or dish). Otherwise, as my children have learned:

You get what you get
And you don't throw a fit

Kids love to cause drama w/ Moms. It's to see how much they can get away with. It's also sibling rivalry. I would make a plan and stick to it. Sit them down (one afternoon) and tell them that from now on you are going to put the cups and plates out at their place settings. Put them out just before u make the meal. Tell them there is too much crying so you are going to be in charge for a couple of weeks. If she does not like the plate--you will serve the food on a napkin.

Oh, I have to tell you that the pink, the birdie's, Tinker Bell and colored forks would SO be gone from my house if I had what you're describing to deal with. They'd get plain white and regular flatware. NO WAY would I put up with 20 whiney attempts from a stranger's child, much less my own!

Go back and read what Riley said. She is spot on.

Dawn

I totally disagree with other posters about going out and buying new dishes. This does not teach your girls anything, but yes, it does make the problem go away.

My boys used to do the same thing. As far as cups go, they each got to pick two that were their own (set of 4). And then I had a whole other set of red ones that they would get when those weren't available. We have the blue and green plate problem too. I would generally remember whose turn was for the blue one but if they complained I would nip the whining immediately and let them know what color they got was what color they got. Done. Further whining would get a timeout.

You choose what they get. Stand your ground. Enforce timeouts or whatever discipline you think is best. Eventually they will get it and the battles will become less and less and go away. Good luck!

Same color (plain) for everything....no more straws (use sippy cups). The five year old is old enough to understand far more then the two year old. Meals are not for "fighting time".....if they don't start eating within a few minutes, take them down from the table and with the exception of a small amount of milk or water....nothing until the next meal.