Hi,
my nine year old son and the next door neighbor boy (who is 8) are always together. They have known each other since they were 2 and 3 - so almost like brothers with the amount of time they spend together. Recently, within the past few months, they both have started picking on my 7 year old daughter - and they are really mean at times. I understand that they don't want a "little girl" to play with them, but the way they gang up on her "Get out of here" "we don't want to play with you" and yelling at her, telling her she is dumb or a tattletale (and who knows what else when I'm not around). It's just awful. At one point I told the neighbor boy to go home and when he could be respectful to my daughter he could play again. Unfortunately, I was mad, so my voice was quite tense - and this resulted in both the boys blaming my daughter - getting madder at her - (like saying it was all her fault that they couldn't play together anymore). This morning as I was taking them to school they were bullying her - it's not like she doesn't encourage it, but I think she just wants their attention and wants to play with them. They react so meanly sometimes. The look on my daughters face when I dropped them off at school was so heartbreaking, I was nearly in tears. Is this normal for 8 and 9 year old boys? I would like to separate the boys, but it so hard with him living right next door, we carpool to school and I feel like if I separate them, they will resent my daughter more and more which won't solve the problem.
thank you so much for all of your responses. I read each one and had my husband read them too...so we are going to have a talk with my son about how we treat family and better ways to be a big brother. We will also make sure the boys are separated at any time they are being mean, and make it clear it has nothing to do with my daughter, but it is just our feelings about how people should be treated. Sometimes you wonder if what you are feeling is over the top and you all made it clear that this behavior (whether stage related or not) is way out of line and needs to be nipped in the bud right now!! Thank you.
I would punish my son if he treated anyone like that- especially his little sister. His job is to protect her. If he cannot do that, he will have to learn to. That is just my 2 cents
I don't think you should worry about having a tense voice.
Tense voice? I've been known to use an expletive from time to time.
I don't mess around.
I would let the boys know, in no uncertain terms, that the way they are acting is not okay.
Brother should be standing up for his sister and the other little boy should be finding another ride to school until it ceases.
It's not normal for them to act like this, it's mean.
If your daughter was a toddler and they couldn't do anything without her stepping on a board game or trying to swallow a piece of a puzzle they were putting together, I could see their frustration. But, your daughter is only a year younger than the neighbor kid.
They may be on a "girls are gross" thing, but the girl in question lives in the house. Whether they like it or not.
Them blaming your daughter for you stepping up is a clear sign it needs to be halted.
They need to know it has nothing to do with your daughter. YOU'RE not going to stand for it.
My nephew used to gang up on my son in front of his friends when we visited. He was constantly punching him in the arm in front of them and they thought it was funny that he would never hit back.
I told my them, "Maybe it's because my son has better manners than you and we never agreed to a punch-fest. Hit him again, and we will never come back and you will never be allowed at my house. Do you still think it's funny?"
I wouldn't allow my son to go anywhere or ride bikes with him, I didn't allow him at my house for a long time.
That was my own nephew!
I certainly wouldn't take it from a neighbor kid.
No way.
It's not that hard to separate kids, even if they live next door, when the answer is simply NO.
It's not because of your daughter, it's because you aren't going to tolerate it.
Don't let your daughter get the impression it's okay to beg boys who are mean to her for attention.
Don't worry about little boys resenting you or your daughter.
You are the mom. You don't like how things are going and YOU are putting a stop to it until and unless something changes.
Period.
Don't be afraid to be firm.
Your daughter needs to know this is not okay and this is not how boys behave toward girls.
Just my opinion.
Every time they do this, they need to be held accountable. Bullying is unacceptible. If you don't stand up to it now, how will they be in a few years? If your daughter is being naughty, then hold her accountable. I would tell the boys as long as they treat your daughter the way they do, they will not be aloowed to see each other. If it makes your son treat her worse, you take something else away, and something else. He will catch on. You are a family and families love each other. The occasional sibling rivalry fight is normal, but I would not tolerate bullying in my house. Kids have enough to deal with at school. Home should be their sanctuary where they are loved and protected.
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Something you can say to the boys is that if they are not respectful to all others, no matter what the others are doing or saying, then they will not have the privilege of playing together. That way it has nothing to do with your daughter's behavior, just their own. You may also want to mention to them that even a bully should be treated with respect - anger usually just fuels a bully to get back at them even if he/she started it.
I would also tell your daughter that if it is the boys' choice to play by themselves, then she should be respectful of that. Kids will always play with people they feel comfortable playing with and really shouldn't be forced to play with someone else just because they have to. After all, it is their free time not a structured group activity. You wouldn't want a constant social obligation with someone you really don't like hanging around with, would you?
It seems that your daughter is just lonely, so you should really think about either spending tons of special time with her for her freetime or setting up plenty of playdates for her.
This is not "normal" behavior, especially if you classify it as bullying. I would start by punishing your son- ground him, take away priviledges, whatever will get the message across. Making his sister upset and ganging-up on her is not okay. As for the other child, speak with his mother and let her know that until the boys can respect the "rules" in your house, they will not be permitted to play at your home.
I would strongly suggest spending time together as a family doing something that allows your children to interact positively. Take a walk together, go out for dinner, play a board game- something. Your daughter needs to learn how to access her brother's attention positively and your son needs to see his sister as a sibling, not a target.
I would also suggest that you have your daughter invite a friend over when/if the boys are allowed to play together again. If she has someone attending to her, she is less likely to seek-out her brother to play.
Hi. I think that "ganging up" is a natural inclination amongst boys and girls, and especially in situations of three. It still needs to be addressed and discouraged as it occurs.
I have an eleven year old boy and seven year old daughter. I also have an eleven year old nephew. When we get together at my father-in-law's I have to remind the boys that they need to include my daughter and be nice to her. After repeated time-outs and at home punishments for my son, he is now quite cooperative. My nephew will still constantly complain about having to play with her. He however faces no consequences or censor for his dad which is why my son bares the consesequences alone, but has learned to stick up for his sister. When they play nicely for a decent amount of time I ask my daughter to please give them some "boy" time. She understands she is younger and a girl and is fine with this. At this time she will swim or I will do something with her. It seems to work.
Your son needs to understand that his sister comes first. And, as an older brother he should be looking out for her. I often ask my son what he would want his sister to answer if someone asks if he is a good brother or not. This seems to open his eyes a little.
I see no problem with you sending this child home and restricting play time until they have acheived common courtesy and politeness. Be consistant and firm. Respect is so very important to teach our children and something it seems that has all but disappeared as a priority in parenting in our country.
You are not alone, but persevere. Good luck.
normal, yes.....but shouldn't be tolerated, under NO circumstance.....your son must be told that he is suppose to be protecting his sister not bullying her.....perhaps he should write that 500 times! My son (almost 6) knows it's his job to take care of his 2 little sisters (4 & 2). And when he isn't nice to his sisters he has to hug them, say sorry & tell them he loves them & vice versa when my girls are naughty......and who cares about the neighbor boys feelings, just worry about your daughters feelings...if he's like a brother to your son then he's like a son to you, so you should be able to discipline him.........i have the same situation at my house our immediate neighbor is always at my house but if my girls aren't allowed to play with them then the neighbor boy isn't allowed over
My boy cousins who were 4 years older did this to me when we were kids every time we got together from when I was to til high school. They do not remember it, but I do. When they did it, they laughed and had a lot of fun and entitlement about it. Now as I laugh about it with them they don't remember doing it, but I do.
I think you need to stop it cold for your daughter's sake. It sounds like there might be a bit of male territory "this is mine" attitude happening from what you are describing.
It is also terrible to be the brunt of someone bulling. I think that three children may be too many in your car. Bulling is something children should be protected from, especially in their own home. Even though she may seem to provoke it because she wants to play with the boys that should not be allowed to bully her. I always found that child play best in twos but not threes.
First, some of the posters make it sound like this isn't normal. It is completely normal - especially for this age group. That doesn't mean you have to condone it or accept it, I just want to let you know that there is nothing wrong with either your son or the neighbor boy.
It's funny - I'll bet that your son isn't nearly as "mean" to your daughter when that other boy isn't around. He may even ask her to play with him when there is no one else around. Then, the friend shows up, and the trouble starts. This really doesn't have anything to do with the other boy, just the dynamics of the situation. The phrase "two is company, three's a crowd" comes to mind.
I would talk to your son and explain that you love both of them equally and when he is mean to your daughter, it hurts and you will have to stop him from doing it - even if it means sending his friend home. Let him know that if it was him being teased you would do the same. I would also talk to the boys together and let them know that you are watching them to make sure that they are being decent to the little girl. Offer them other solutions than teasing her when she is "bugging" them. Like coming to tell you that sister is getting in the way, rather than trying to handle it themselves. The other thing I would do is see if you cannot find a little friend for your daughter to play with. That will even the playing field a little and stop some of the issues.
Good luck and this does get better - it really is an age thing.
I would make it clear that although it is not what your daughter wants, you will not allow them to play together if the cruelty to the girl continues. If you need to, start giving out punishments to your son, and make it clear that if they blame the girl and try to retaliate in any way the punishments and separations will get more severe and longer. It is normal for kids to behave this way, but it can be ended just like any other bad behavior.
It's time to have a serious talk with your son - not just you, but you and your husband need to sit down with him. I was the older sibling in the family, and my parents made it very clear to me that my job was to protect my younger brother, because family sticks together and stand up for each other. My friends used to joke that I never let anyone pick on my little brother but me, and that was true. I was an older sister and I thought my brother was a real pain, and so of course I picked on him and bullied him, but my friends weren't welcome in my home if they couldn't treat my little brother with respect.
And absolutely you can send your son's friend home if he doesn't treat your other child with respect. In fact, I would explain the reasons to the other parents. Let them know that this is a mutual problem (not just their son but also not just your son) and in an attempt to stop the behavior, you will be sending their child home if the boys cannot be nice.
Finally, make sure you're supervising the kids, and keeping your daughter out of the boys' way. In the car, that kind of behavior is unacceptable, but you're right that little boys do not want to play with little girls at this age, and so perhaps you need to find other ways to entertain your daughter when your son's friends are over. Good luck.
My only advice for you is to find a compassionate way to deal with your son and your daughter to resolve this. I would use something from the attachment parenting field if you can find it. Your son needs to not be successful in his bullying and trying to impress his friend with his power trip, and your daughter needs to feel confident and loved. You son needs to learn to love and appreciate and take care of his little sister.
My sisters did this kind of thing to me when I was little, and it has given me emotional problems for my whole life, that I'm still dealing with in my '30s. Kids are impressionable in semi-permanent ways. When they get started with behaviors, they just get more and more ingrained. Luckily, this works with positive behaviors too.
Best wishes, and I'm glad you are helping your family in this way.
you should separate the boys or grounded your son and tell the neighbor and tell that the son that he started picking on your 7 years old daughter and tell to ground him for that
