Best Friends - Lakewood,CA

don't sweat her picking up bad habits - you have taught her better. she may try their tactics once or twice but when you follow through with your customary discipline and she realizes that behavior won't fly, she'll stop. i would worry more about what is it in her personality that is allowing her to believe that them treating her like this is okay. teach her that if ANYONE is mean or rude to her, she has a right to stand up for herself. if it means coming to tell you or another grownup, so be it. one of these kids is definitely a bully and that is unacceptable. the other one is conniving and controlling in her own way, and that's not okay either. your daughter KNOWS right from wrong, make sure you remind her what a good strong girl she is, and how no one is allowed to treat her badly. if she isn't quite old enough, assertive enough, or grown into her own personality enough, to stand up for herself, make sure you press on her the need to let a grownup know.

Unfortunately this is common even at 7. My granddaughter is 10 and has had friends like this since second grade. One girl is in the same grade and gets away with crying to get her way. Until this year. I went on a field trip with the summer YMCA camp and I saw the counselor turn to her, lean down to look her in the eyes and tell her to cut it out. She wiped her eyes and continued walking with him in a quiet way. I wanted to cheer! I hope her mother doesn't land hard on him. She has with previous YMCA counselors.

Because of my daughter's experience with this mother, I suggest that trying to talk with this mother again will not help and may make the situation more difficult.

The girls not allowing other girls to play with my granddaughter has gotten worse. I've learned that this goes in cycles. And that it works best to let my granddaughter handle it. I'm also a playground volunteer and watched kids to try to find a way of handling it. I discovered that this will last, at the most a week or two and then the group formation changes and someone else is on the outside.

My way of handling it is to talk with my granddaughter about what makes a good friend, how she feels when this happens, and what she can do to take care of herself and.....not do it to others. I think she is learning. Of course she's entering the tweens. That starts earlier now, too. lol She is more sensitive and cries with me about being excluded from her regular group of friends. I sympathize with her, remind her that this will change and then do something else together.

The way she seems to handle being on the ouside at school is to be tough and tell them it's not fair and run off to find someone else to play with. One time I saw this in action and one of the girls ran after her and brought her back to the group. There were 5 or so minutes when everybody was cranky but they worked it out.

When I'm around a child who is manipulating with tears, too many compliments, and/or anger is I end the play date. Immediate consequences for inappropriate behavior teaches all of the girls to be more appropriate and may have taught my granddaughter that she doesn't have to put up with it.

My daughter befriended the down and out all thru school. She came from an abusive home and felt sorry for them. She's now 30 and finally learning to make better choices. I had a difficult time with this when she was a child and for a couple or so years after she was on her own. This is part of the reason I focus more on finding ways to help my granddaughter handle this herself without judgment which I did use with my daughter and her friends. I talk with my granddaughter about friendship and what she wants from it and how she can make happen what she wants. When I'm present with the group, I coach her and her friends on a more appropriate way to act.

Have you asked your daughter how she feels about their behavior? Does she just feel like she can't find other friends if she ditches these two drama queens? She might just like them in spite of their brattish behaviors. Talking openly with your daughter about her friends' behavior without condemning them will at the very least alert her as to their behavior not being what you expect of her and get her thinking whether they are worth the drama. It also puts her on notice that you won't tolerate the behavior from her. Rest assured that the other girls' mothers will be banging their heads on the wall in the future when their girls are prima donnas in their teens. You, on the other hand, will have an open relationship with your daughter who will know where you stand on drama and behavioral expectations. Good luck.

Hi S., I think the first thing you need to do is teach your daughter to be a leader and not a follower, I say this because you said one friend "Won't let" her play with other kids, no way should any child be allowed to have that kind of control over another child, the behavior is not unusual given the world we live in today, but not acceptable. Ask your daughter why these two, she may see something in them you don't. J.

My sister always pick up friends like that. When she picked a husband, she picked one like that. My mom was continually separating my sister from friends that either rubbed off on her, kept her in an emotion roller coaster, or used and manipulated her. I don't remember my sister ever having any REAL friends. She still doesn't have any real friends.

My mom always wondered if it was because my sister hears in monotone and had trouble keeping up in school until the problem was correctly diagnosed in Jr. High. By that time my sister was already set in her ways about the types of friends she chose.

I hope your problem is not this severe. I would keep a close eye on it an watch for signs of rubbing off, etc. If your daughter is in a public school, maybe she will not have to share a class with these girls and may make more friends. You may also request the school to separate you daughter from these girls when the make the classroom list. My boys are in a private school with only one class per grade. I have requested that my child be separated from another inside the classroom and the teachers have always honored my request.

... those girls seem like "Alpha" type girls. "Bossy" is putting it lightly.

you need to teach your girl... about friends.
There is a book series called "American Girl" and one of the books is called "Friends: Making them and keeping them." or,
"Feelings: The care and keeping of your emotions."
Its a good book series, for girls AND their Moms... to read together. My girl is 7 and I have these books.

Since a young age, I taught my girl about friends and how to 'choose' friends. What is appropriate or not, and how to CHOOSE whether to interact or not etc. and how to speak up for herself. She will even tell me that some girls are NOT the type she would want to bring home. She can 'discern" personalities... real well.
Start now... before she gets into the pre-teen/teen ages....

all the best,
Susan

I think at this age girls start feeling all kinds of pressure. The media is a huge example. I would just begin to open up the communication with your daughter because she will need your influence her whole life. Find out what is going on between the girls. I would strongly suggest getting your daughter involved in other activities with other girls. So many times girls start feeling that their few friends is all they are ever going to have so we tend to put up with more then we should.

I'm so sorry that the playdates aren't going well. It's really too bad. Why are the playdates / friendship continuing if they aren't fun? Is your daughter enjoying herself? Doesn't sound like it...and it sounds like it is stressful for you too. It is time to expand and enjoy life - there is so much to see and do out there. Personally, I would stop scheduling with the two immediately. Good luck...

My daughter is now 15, but she always seemed to attract those kinds of girls too, I think because she is very nice, so the mean ones that no one else wants flock toward her. There were a few times where I had to tell her not to hang around certain girls anymore, and I made her even tell them. She did fine with telling them, and they went elsewhere to play. Thank goodness. One girl that I really didn't like at all, she is now 15 and grown into a nice young lady. Most of them really do get better with age. My younger daughter had to also tell a friend she couldn't hang around her anymore. Luckily, that girl went to another school so we didn't have to deal with that anymore. This happens a lot. I've talked to several moms that had to do the same thing. It's very hard, especially if you're friends with the mom, which I was in some cases. But your child is your number one priority, so sometimes you have to make your child hang out with new girls.

When you children start choosing friends, you do worry about the influence these kids will have on your child - and you're right to be concerned.
Luckily, since she's 7, you get to have a lot more influence on where and how your daughter spends her time.

Talk to your daughter about how her "friends" treat her and how they act.
The behavior of the one girl is especially concerning - at that age, I'd be wondering if this other girl is doing something else to make your daughter so controlled.

I'm not sure what your situation is, but there are ways to get your daughter away from these less-than-desirable girls.
Make other plans. (The Dakota County Fair is going on this week!)
or
Instead of trying to pull your daughter away from these girls, try bringing other kids in and see if the dynamic changes.

Re. the other mom, it's surprising she doesn't notice how her children are behaving. I'd be very up front with her and tell her you don't appreciate the way her child is bossing your daughter around, and if she doesn't act to stop it, you're daughter is not going to be as available for play dates as she has been in the past.

When my daughter was about that age, she was bossed around by a girl at school who had actually threatened to beat her up if she didn't do exactly what she wanted.

I didn't find out about it until I found a note from the girl. I took her out of that school (for many reasons, that was just the cherry on the cake) and she is now 20, and is great at picking NICE friends.

Most importantly is to explain to your daughter that friends don't boss other friends around. You want to make sure she grows up to make good decisions and isn't always the one being picked on.....
it could have consequences when she looks for a mate.....
Good luck!