Being "Done?

I chose to be done. Hubby would like another, or did want another.

There are many ways that I deal with the 'loss' of being done.
1. I am part of a group that does virtual baby showers for expecting military moms. http://soldiersangels.org/top-knot.html

So when I feel the 'baby blues', I just log on, find a family that I think I can help and then go shopping. For me, it really is about the shopping and buying the cute little clothes and soft blankets. I have no regrets about stopping when you think about the late nights, diaper changes, and doctor bills.

2. Another option that a friend did was to become a foster parent. That way she gets her baby fix without the pregnancy. It's a win/win. :)

I would love another one, my husband does not want one and has already had a vasectomy. I still miss that child I will never have, but sometimes that is just life.

I was done, and my husband was open to more. He realized, that it's not healthy to have a child for someone else. It's also not healthy to force someone into accepting another child. It will cause problems. He also knows, that we can't always get what we want...no matter how bad we want it. Life does not guarantee us all out wishes. He feels blessed to have a child, at all. He's totally at peace with it. Honestly, it came down to his perspective. Focusing on what he DOES have. Investing and growing what he DOES have. He is very practical, and realizes that people spend too much of their life pining for what they don't have. They miss little things in their life, and it's silly. People get spoiled in our country. They are devastated when they can't get all they want. Instead of realizing that's life, and accepting that we can't control some things. What we want is not always what is best. When we try to force it, we take away the healthy aspects of out life.

**He is sitting on the couch. That all came from him :)

Physically, I'm done. Financially, I'm done. Emotionally I would love another but have come to terms with "feeling" done. My husband feels the same way except he's been thoroughly emotionally finished since we delivered our third daughter.

It's not easy to come to terms with, especially during the time when I was less emotionally ready to admit that we were done than my husband was. I respected his choice and decision as "our" decision... it just hit me very hard. I needed time to mourn because I hadn't come to it naturally and he just BAM came to it.

That all said, if a baby came into our family somehow, some way we would welcome it with all our hearts fully and completely. No question.

After our third, my husband was done. I wasn't....still not, but I would never force him to have a child he didn't want with all his heart.

It still makes me achy when I see newborn babies, or pregnant women, or hear of someone getting pregnant. But I know that I have 3 beautiful, healthy, perfect daughters and am very blessed. It's just hard sometimes :)

E.S.

I lost 2 babies in one year - one at 22 weeks and the next at 12/13 weeks. I knew right then and there I was done. And DONE I was. My husband supported my decision as he wasn't sure if either one of us could handle another loss.

If you do not feel you are done - then have a heart-to-heart with your husband. However, if money is a factor - then I get it.

Age? You need to talk with your doctor and find out if he/she feels you are too old to have another.

Good luck!

I am in the camp that knew from the get go that 1 was just right for my family to feel complete. Fortunately, my hubby and I were and have stayed on the same page regarding only having 1.

I have not been in your shoes so I can't imagine how you feel.

My focus has been to enjoy my daughter all along the way and I have through good and bad. I knew about midway through pregnancy that I was done. She is my joy and I am about to become an empty nester when she head off to college in the fall. I am SO excited for her and enjoying helping her gear up for graduation and move on to the next step of her life.

Of course I will miss her like crazy but I can still say that I have no regrets. We have a special bond and I hope it stays that way.

Best wishes to you.

I wanted 100 kids but God only blessed us with 1. My body was not built to carry babies for some reason and it almost shut down when I was pregnant with my son. My doctor gently but firmly advise I not get pregnant anymore and while my husband and I both grieved, we agreed on that decision.

I'm sorry for you. Its hard to know you can actually have more babies but don't because of a mental or economical decision, not a physical one. I didn't have a choice and I've had to deal with alot of heartache and jealousy, especially from those moms who joke around about being done and they don't want anymore. Again, I wish I was given the choice.

Oh well. like others have said, I enjoy the 1 I have to the fullest, each and every day. We learn, laugh and grow together and wishing for more kids won't make my family any better or happier, thank goodness.

I think grief is universal. So you would grieve this loss the same way that you grieve any other.

It takes work... specific work pointed toward a goal of peace and resolution. You have to want to work at finding resolution. Stop blaming your roadblocks, stop dreaming of what if's and what might have been and come from a place of acceptance. But part of getting there is WANTING to get through the process.... and that's where lots of people get stuck. Because they want a measure of control that just isn't realisitc or possible.

It also takes time. Meandering time where you just "are" with how you feel in the moment. Where you dream of what could have been, might not have been and wish that it would be's.

I also think, that because in your case you and hubby are not on the same page, you also have to add in "forgiveness". You need to forgive your husband for wanting something different than you. You need to forigive yourself for holding a grude, or not trusting him or not putting his needs equal to your own, or..... whatever it is YOU have done. Because you've done "something".... we all have.

I had it "easy", I guess. I could only be mad at Mother Nature or my own stupid uterus. There wasn't someone living and breathing in the house next to me that I felt had "done this to me" - which can wreck a marriage. So, I urge you to tread lightly with hubby. Recognize that loving someone isn't about how you feel about them.... but about how you ACT toward them.

I also think (and I tread lightly here, because I'm going to come across as judgemental) that sometimes if you aren't on the same page with basics, you can be adversarial about almost anything.... just because. Hubby may not want a 2nd one because he feels another one would strain your marriage or take away too much time from the one you have. But, if you give in to him LOVINGLY and WILLINGLY on some of those things [like dessert and sausage :-)] you might find he softens in other areas as well. And you can't do it in the "bargaining stage" - as in "I'll be a better wife if you give me another baby"..... that won't work. But you will sometimes find that if you are more willing to support him (the general "you" and the general "him") in all his craziness that he is sometimes more willing to want you to have what you need as well..... that's how marriage was intended to work. you EACH make sure the other has what they need.... even if goes against what YOU think you need.

I'm rambling........ I hope that you and your husband find peace in all your decisions.

I'm 34, my husband is 39. We have two beautiful and healthy children. We are currently living (OK) on one income and my husband is actively looking for a job since we relocated. I almost died both times I gave birth. If this was up to him, we'd have one more. I don't want more for several reasons:
1. We can AFFORD two.
2. He will be 58/59 when that little one graduates from HS.
3. I don't really want another near-death experience.

He talks about this ALL the time, but in reality if one person is pretty "final" one way or the other, then that's it. If your husband is waivering, then keep talking about it. If he's not, then enjoy your children and your lifestyle and be thankful that you aren't looking at another 2 or 3 years worth of diapers.

My husband has a "say", of course, but the reality of the situation has a "say" too. If your husband feels like he doesn't have the energy for another one, then you need to respect that. By energy I mean the physical energy to raise another child, including further putting off retirement to pay for more braces, activities... weddings... all of it.

After my two were born, I knew I was done for a couple reasons: 1) I got a late start and was 38 when my second was born and I felt I'd be too old to have any more; and, 2) I was blessed with a boy and a girl and that's all I ever really prayed for. My husband wanted four children, but I told him if he wanted more, then he'd have to have them. lol!! We've been very happy with two children; can afford them for the most part, although the last few years have been a little difficult because of the job situation but otherwise, we've done fine.

As far as I know, he's never resented me for not having more children. I guess if he really wanted them, I would have had them because I love being pregnant and I love babies and children.

I guess if the tables were turned and I was the guy and my wife wanted another one, I would seriously consider everything involved before saying yes or no.

Good luck!!

Well my husband wanted more but after three I was DONE, so I guess he had no choice in the matter.
It sucks for him (and you, in your case) but I just don't think a child should come into the world without two fully willing parents.
I also don't think it's good to have kids you can't afford to care for (and I HATE it when people say, oh God will find a way, that is just so irresponsible.)
I will admit I was on the fence for a few years, though. I really loved the baby/preschool years so I grieved that, but once my kids hit the tween/teen years I had absolutely no regrets. It has been INCREDIBLY stressful, even though they are pretty good kids! :-(

I love the link that Can't Decide posted.

We have 4 kids and knew that we were "done" when we had #3. My husband's vasectomy was postponed by the doctor's office due to a scheduling error and I got pregnant with our youngest that weekend. Meant to be! As much as I can't imagine life without my youngest, who is one of those fabulous kids you read about with disbelief because he's never given me a moment's trouble, having him really upended our lives and it took several years to recover from needing to move when we really shouldn't have and other fallout that ensued. The stress of all of the decisions that had to follow having another child almost split up our family.

Anyway...there may be other ways to get your baby fix. For me, I knew that although we were done having our own children, I could easily have done more pregnancies so when the opportunity to be a surrogate came along, I took it. It was an awesome experience, and it gave me the chance to have a positive, intentional, very much anticipated pregnancy experience (my other pregnancies and the birth of my step-daughter were all not planned). If you are a SAHM, another option is infant foster care. I would like to do that if I ever get to a point in my life that I'm retired or working independently. Those babies aren't long-term placements, but you basically provide a safe haven for a newborn or older infant until family or a longer-term foster-to-adopt family can be found. I would love the chance to baby a baby for a short period of time, but don't want to have to raise another child until adulthood.

I'm done! In fact I had my tubes tied when I had my daughter via c section. And my husband had a vasectomy don't while I was pregnant. I always knew 2 was the right number.

I am pregnant with my 2nd child and she is due in 3 weeks!!I I am pretty sure im not done!I at least want 3 kids.My husband agrees 2 is not enough for us.I am a young mom.We have reasonable amount of money to.I don't wanna stop because kids are a blessing.

It's hard when you're not on the same page. We have three. We would be having our fourth at the end of this month, but I had a miscarriage in late November. It wasn't a "planned" pregnancy, and when we were going through the miscarriage my husband said that it wasn't meant to be, and this was a sign that we should be done at three. I think about that loss every day, and am having a hard time as the due date approaches. I would like to try again, but my husband is adamantly against it. Even though when I was pregnant, he said he was happy and that we would make everything work, he now says we don't have the space or money for another. Ugh!

I had my first two children in my early 20's. I got pregnant after 9.5 years having my second, which I thought for a long time, just the two. Financially I couldn't handle the two, so when I found out I was pregnant, very happy to be, I knew I needed to tie to tubes after that. (There were other reasons too, not health). I asked my husband if we should have any more children after our last, should I tie my tubes, he said, it's my decision, he wasn't going to make a choice for my body. I said we were a family and we should make it together. We had a trouble marriage at that time, plus we couldn't afford another child, so I had it done. I regretted it about a year later, I wanted to have another baby. Plus my husband was saying he wanted another one. I went for the next 4 years wanting, I'm 39 now, and I don't have that erg and glad we stopped at 3. I'll get to be a grandma some day (no time soon, I PRAY) and will enjoy my grandbabies.

I think you are making a wise decision to make sure both hubby and you are on the same page. Let him know your concerns. As for financially, don't let that be a factor, I live pay check to pay check, my kids eat and have what they need, maybe not the luxury items, but what they need. God always provides, I've seen this happen many times in my life.

I would guess that 90% of us were 'done' before we were ready to be done for a variety of reasons. (Financial, work/career, time commitment, health, spouses desire, etc.) I mean, think about it. I think this would make a very interesting piggy back question: If finances and work weren't an issue, how many more kids would you have had?

I can definately say I wish I'd had 4 kids. But, no working wasn't an option for me. And it's even more a non-option for me today.

So, we jointly said we were 'done' after 2. Were we happy/content with that? Certainly not. But I decided even before the first 2 were born that this was just how it was going to be. I guess it made it easier for me when the 2nd one started walking and talking and there was no little one to be the baby anymore.

We have a wonderful dd& ds. I am on fence for third. Dh was pretty well done after ds. He has many good reasons which I agree with most. I am in my early 30s and the sound of my biological clock is deafening. I am "grieving" fact I may never be pregnant or have a newborn to cuddle again. It seems very selfish on my part. I try to just focus on the two wonderful babies I do have. We cannot responsibly bring a other baby into this world if we're not on agreement. I saw a quote " you know you're done when you have one too many".. Part of me almost knows the third would be our one too many. I still can't bring myself to get rid of the baby / maternity items yet... Oh and dh has vasectomy sched for aug. part of me is also starting to embrace all the fun things we can do now as children get a little older. (Dd 3, ds 16 mo) I also enjoy sleeping at night and taking a nap in occasions when they do.

I knew I was done with one the night my daughter was born - she and I both almost died. I was not willing to EVER go through that again.

My ex would occasionally toss out the idea of us having one (he wasn't her dad), and I absolutely refused.
When she was four, I got pregnant and told him in no uncertain terms that I intended to terminate. He wanted to talk about the possiblity of us getting married and having it. I pointed out to him that our being married wouldn't make me any less dead or my daughter any less motherless if I died in labor.