About four years ago, my (then 10-year-old) son came to me and said the ultimate heartbreaking statement any mother could hear "I want to go live with dad. I want to get to know him." I'd never denied either of my children access to their father, in fact just the opposite, including getting angry when their father when he made up (flimsy) excuses as to why he couldn't take them during summer breaks! So, I let him go. In the beginning, it was OK. I had unlimited telephone contact, and computer (email/facebook) contact with my son, and vice-verse.
Last summer(2009), I flew him up to stay with us, and he told his father that he wanted to stay with us for good. His father threatened that our son didn't get off the plane and come home, that I would be charged with kidnapping. That scared my son so badly that he practically packed his own suitcase! He was gone again. (I guess I should mention that I live in Wisconsin and my ex- lives in Texas)
Recently (March) my ex- remarried (for the 3rd time since our divorce 12 years ago), and he actually (finally) included our daughter (who lives with me) in the ceremony (flew her down and back, tailor-made dress and matching shoes, constant shopping trips; the works!) But when she came home at the end of spring break, she wasn't happy. She told me that my son is being treated like an outcast of sorts, constantly hounded about things, always grounded, etc. Then the computer access was gone. They'd packed up his computer and stored it in the garage. Then his phone was constantly turned off ... then they quit answering their telephones as well ...
In June, my ex- was deployed to Iraq. He had called me to see if our son could come up and stay with us for the summer, but that he didn't have the money to fly him -- neither did I at that time as my current husband and I had both suffered severe financial blows (I lost my job due to cut backs resulting in closure of the business, and my husband had been forced to quit due to a dishonest boss stealing from us). My ex- said he understood our situation, and said he’d be back sometime in September, that things should be fine.
I have gotten to speak to my son THREE times since my ex- has been deployed. I was told that I have to either text message or message through Facebook (the new wife) and “schedule an appointment, and then if they’re not too busy, he can call me”. During one of my rare conversations (he’s limited to 10 minutes even!! WTH?), he told me that his father wouldn’t be back in-country until mid January!
Last night I’d had enough. I called their local police department to have them conduct a “well child visit” (which is totally within my legal rights as an off-site parent!!) The officer contacted me and informed me that my son was fine, that he was sleeping in his bed (at 8:00pm on a Saturday night??!! WHAT?!?)
I shouldn’t have to text message a total stranger, or send her a message on Facebook (she’d originally accepted me as a friend there, for communications regarding my son, but then shut me out as “there are things on my wall that others shouldn’t be seeing”). I couldn’t text anymore due to us canceling our cell phones during our financial crisis, and my subsequent messages through Facebook (via an old saved message from her) have gone ignored.
Now that I’ve gotten that out, my question is: Even though my ex- is in Iraq, can I file suit through the courts for unlimited contact with my son, and the case be completed soon, or will they hold off until he’s back in-country?
Even though my family is still suffering financially (I was just recently able to find work, and my husband is STILL trying to find work!!), I want this mess stopped. I don’t feel it’s right that my son is being alienated away from the only family he’s really grown up knowing, just because this new wife wants to try a power trip with me. Any advice??
You've actually got a bit of a freebie coming your way... because your ex is military you can go through your LOCAL jag office; explain that you and your ex have always shared custody, show the paperwork if they ask and let them know that his new wife is violating the custody arrangement, and denying access to your son while your ex is deployed... and that you would PREFER to have this taken care of "in house", rather than have to drag him through court, and get the MPs involved, "all while the poor man is deployed and needs to keep his mind where it belongs all because his new wife seems intent on screwing HIM over". That you don't want HIM to lose custody because his wife is causing problems.
As long as the JAG office sees that you're trying to keep it from becoming a mess, they are usually MORE than willing to really grease the wheels on this whole process... because by helping you out, they're helping him out.
You may well even be able to get your son on a space-a flight home for the duration of the deployment, but your H would have to sign off on it. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he didn't do that before he deployed. Yes, space-a is a pain, but it's FREE.
Seriously, I'd be surprised if you didn't get a lot of help from Jag-corps... because really... your ex stands to completely lose custody over these antics. If for any reason they DON'T bend over backwards to get the situation satisfactory... then you head over to a civvie lawyer and get custody yanked.
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V.W.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
You need to consult with an attorney who specializes in family law, child support/visitation/custody issues specifically. Were you ever married? What state were you divorced in? What state made the ruling about custody/visitation?
You will need the prior documents regardless of what state you end up filing in (usually the state where the child has been in residence for "at least 6 months prior" is the state that has jurisdiction over the issue of custody). So you may need to file in TX. A good family law attorney should be able to direct you, and perhaps get a list of attorney's in TX you might contact. Most attorney's offer first consultation free, so be sure that you bring all of your paperwork (previous court orders, any written agreements between you and your ex, etc) WITH you when you meet with the attorney. That way, even if they are not the person who can help you, they will know where you need to go next.
Good luck. And, unfortunately, it is possible that due to his deployment, they may very well postpone proceedings until he returns, as I'm sure his JAG officer will step in and file papers to that effect.
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A.B.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I'm sorry I don't really know what the laws are regarding when they would have a hearing with your husband out of the country. But it sounds like you have custody of your son also--shared custody? If it were my son I would drive, fly, take a bus--whatever I had to do to get to him and I would bring him home, at least until the father gets back in the country and you can discuss future arrangements with him. I understand that money is tight right now but I would let my bills go if I had to. Stepmom has no business denying you access to your son and neither does his father for that matter.
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M.A.
answers from
Port St. Lucie
on
Who has legal custody of your son is the big question. The person this is really hurting emotionally is your son and he will harbor deep resentment towards his father and step mother for denying him access to his mother. It sounds like they are trying to control you through your son and it will tear your son up! Don't delay any longer, I feel you should seek legal assistance and if you can't afford an attorney, you may be able to get a public defender. I hope this helps.
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C.W.
answers from
Indianapolis
on
I'm sorry but if your ex is military there are plenty of services out there for you to be able to get your son back. I don't care what it took, I would sell everything I had of value, for gas money or plane ticket and get him back to you. The new wife has absolutely no right to him at all.
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M.L.
answers from
Houston
on
I'd do whatever it took to get the money together to get him back. Waitressing on the side, anything. Are your parents still alive? If they are, and they are good grandparents, what are their feelings on this matter? Could they help you out?
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K.U.
answers from
Detroit
on
I think it depends on the state, but there should be an age when your son can decide for himself where he wants to live and it will stand up in court. I totally agree with the post about consulting an attorney - I realize money is tight right now, but if it works out, it will be totally worth it. I would also be documenting every e-mail, phone call, conversation, etc. so you have that to back you up.
Good luck to you, I hope it works out...
