Being Compassionate

With the moving over because he didn't want to sit next to a girl– okay, boys will be boys, BUT: use this as an opportunity to teach him about manners. Every boy goes through the 'girls are gross' stage, but if they are rude about it you can teach him that, while he doesn't have to sit next to a girl, he should NOT be rude and hurt her feelings. Don't make a big deal, but DO start teaching. Gentlemen are raised from childhood.

About Haiti: many men in the Military are naturally cynical, because of what they have seen and experience– they have to harden themselves to go through what they do, and unfortunately it sometimes carries over into their homes. Some guys are like this all the time; others only in certain instances. You have only mentioned some select instances, so it sounds like your husband is usually a pretty good father/husband?

No, kids shouldn't have to see things like that. But if they do, as in a commercial (and these Haiti commercials are on EVERY channel), and the opportunity arises for questions and answers, explain! Kids, for some reason, feel the need to laugh at everything, especially if they don't understand it. They learn to feel compassion and to view serious things in a serious manner from their parents. At this age you don't have to get too into the nitty gritty, but explaining that their homes and food were destroyed in an earthquake, and that people died, and the others have almost no food and need our help, is fine!

There could be many reasons for your husband's silence. One, he saw you handling the situation and did not feel he needed to butt in. This is a compliment to you; he felt you were answering and teaching the two kids just fine. Two, if he has seen worse things, he may have been reacting to a memory/memories, and was trying to not think about them. Three, the commercial hit a sore spot and brought up every feeling of compassion he had– feelings, when he was in those situations, such as "no kid should have to see this. No kid should have to live this" and he was reacting in a protective manner: he wants to protect his kids, to let them be kids, and keep them innocent as long as he can.

So, I would suggest this: there may have been a little overreacting, but you have some good points and questions. Talk to your husband, but do not do it in a confronting manner. Approach him as his compassionate wife who is trying to understand his point of view. Listen to him. If he says something that appears cynical or cruel to you, say "this is what you said, and this is what I understand it to mean. It it what you meant?" This will give him the opportunity, if needed, to correct and reword what he meant, so that you both will better understand one another. Once he has explained his side, then gently but firmly explain your side. No, kids should not have to see things like that, so of course you aren't going to unnecessarily expose them! But when they do see something, wouldn't he prefer to be there for them, and teach them, instead of leaving them to flounder? Does he want them laughing at hardship? Point out what a good man HE is, how strong and compassionate he is, and explain that you just want your kids to learn by his example and through his wisdom. You want your son to grow into a man you can be proud of, and you can't think of a better role-model than your husband.

By encouraging and building him up like that, he will be more likely to understand and react accordingly. Men want to know that they are respected and looked up to. If he feels that you respect him as a man and your husband, and you want your kids to emulate him, he will most likely rise to the occasion. If you confront him and make him feel that you don't think he's being a good father, all you will get is anger and defensiveness.

It is amazing how much communication is based on the approach and wording. I am always trying to figure out how best to approach and word things for my husband, and the above has never, ever, ever failed. Praise, suggest, and ask. (This works in nearly every situation).

I hope this helps. I will pray that this turns into a rewarding, and not frustrating, experience for you!

God bless!
M.

I see both sides of the "shelter your kids from the world". Sure, we all want our kids to stay happy, content and innocent as long as we possibly can. But, that doesn't mean that one day they will suddenly be adults and ready to face the world. That isn't how it works. They will be exposed to more and more of reality as they grow. And another reality is that the younger child will be exposed younger than the older, because once the older is exposed to things, she likely will be too. Just the nature of things. So, while I wouldn't go out of my way to sit them down and have a heart to heart about all the horrors of the world and how destitute some peoples/places are, etc. I WOULD take the opportunity you had (seeing a commercial - or for your son- they likely are talking about Haiti at school) to give them more information. Stop when they have had enough (you'll know when that is because they'll lose interest). Tell them how blessed they are to live in a place where you all live in home together, (a NICE home - as opposed to tin walls and mud/dirt floors, like some places in the world) and there is always food of all kinds available at the nearest grocery store... But that is not how ALL the rest of the world is. That particular place, there was an earthquake, and what little they had is likely destroyed with it... and so the U.S. and other countries are sending aid to help the people.
No need to get all political, or explain about dead bodies in the streets and mass burials or anything of the sort. But tiny steps. In reality, there is some sort of disaster (not of this magnitude, but) in the world a few times a year... Your kids can't live in a bubble, but neither do they need to know EVERY disaster that goes on. But a little reality here and there will help them mature, and just maybe appreciate how good they have it.

As for the girl/boy seating thing... yeah.. it is a boy thing; but that does NOT excuse him from using proper/good manners. My son (and daughter) know that if they have an issue with someone for whatever reason, and don't want to be next to someone./play with someone/whatever. they don't have to... but they must be polite and not offend regardless. That is just basic parenting. Teach your kids proper manners now... because it won't get any easier. And whatever you teach them (or don't teach them) now, they will do by nature without thinking later on...

Wow. There's an interesting mix of comments going on here.

Here's my opinion. At 6 and 8, they should know boundaries in the kinds of comments they are making. At, 3.5, our son is expected to say, "Excuse me" when walking in front of someone. If he doesn't on his own, both of us make him say it to a complete stranger publicly. We want him to have common courtesies as instincts.

I personally don't think you should shelter your kids from seeing things like that at their ages. They are old enough to understand and appreciate the magnitude of the situation. I was diagnosed with cancer the day before my son's second birthday (our daughter was 10 weeks old). We never hid what was happening though both were too young to understand. They went to chemo sessions - we were very candid about why my hair fell out and why Mommy couldn't share my food with them.

For me, as a parent, I've faced the possibility that I might not be around to instill the beliefs I want my children to have as they grow. It's horribly frightening, and I think about it every day. So, ask yourself, who do you want your children to be today, tomorrow and in the future?

For me, the answer is that I want them to be compassionate, well-mannered, independent, appreciative, etc. I lost my job earlier this year to a company downsizing. I was lucky to get back to work, but I have friends who are still looking and facing losing homes.

It's all relative, and you never know when it could be you on the other side. I think that perspective makes us all better people, and the lessons are there from the time we're children until we grow old.

A friend of mine had a similar experience with her son who is 4 at Christmas. He complained about not getting enough gifts or something to that extent. She was mortified but decided to use the situation to open his eyes to how fortunate we are in America. She requested a catalog from Compassion or World Vision or Samaritan's Purse (I can't remember which), which shows items you can purchase for poor families around the world - items like a chicken, blankets, school supplies, etc. She then "gave" him $20 to spend to help one of the people in the book. As they looked through, she explained "a chicken could give a family eggs that they could eat or sell for money." He quickly noticed there were no toys or candy, etc.

I think sheltering your little ones from the realities of the world will only make them more callous and naive. While you don't want to expose them so much to scare them, use the opportunities around you to teach them compassion. When someone is sitting on the side of the road, let them know that some people don't have jobs or money or a place to live, so they have to ask others to help.

Regardless of what your husband thinks, you can still model the appropriate behavior yourself. My husband was in the military also, but he is extremely sensitive to the needs of others because of what he experienced. He realizes how blessed we are in America and has a tender heart for the suffering. I think this only came with time, as he has been out of the military for 7 years now and has begun to share more about his experiences.

Wish you the best!

Hi FP, I understand your concern and agree with you. We are a Christian family and when my girls were younger they heard and saw some of the scenes from 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina. We explained how it was a bad thing that happened and how people were hurt and killed or missing. And we explained that that included children their age too being seperated from their parents or their parents are dead. They were saddened by this and asked lots of questions that we answered. Then when their school and church did fund raising for these people they gladly wanted to help. They even gave up birthday money (which we replaced later with out them knowing). Your kids are certainly not to young to understand and develope compassion. My kids at the time of 9/11 were 3 and 4 and saw the footage of the planes hitting the building. They knew it was not a good thing. So they weren't much older when it came to Katrina and were even more compassionate, especially since mom is from New Orleans and has family there. They need to learn that the world isn't perfect, so when they are adults and something happens they will have the heart to help in some way and if they can't then maybe they can pray for the people who have been affected by the tragedy. Hope this helps...Good luck and God Bless.

I cannot add anything to some of the really great comments and advice that you have already received. As the wife of a man who has spent 30 years in the military, I can tell you that he has been hardened by the things that he has seen and done in his military career, and he did not ( and still does not) react the same way to things that I would. BUT...he is being himself, I can't expect him to be a carbon copy of me, you are not being fair to your husband if you are not willing to listen to his point of view ( just as he should be willing to listen to your point of view) and then the two of you need to come to a compromise, somewhere in the middle.
The same is true for your children, you cannot expect them to react to things the same way you do, or have the exact values that you do on each particular situation, your job is not to make them into copies of you or your husband, your job is to guide them, love them, nurture them and watch as they become their very own "person"! Use these moments that you have described as "teachable moments"...of course they don't understand about the horrible situation in Haiti just by watching a short new article or fund raising commercial!! That would be like letting them watch a 60 second video on evolution and then expecting them to react to it in the same way you do. As one of the other Mama's said, you need to explain to them, at their level, what they just saw and then allow them to react to it in whatever way is natural to them. Children are little sponges, they will see how you and your husband react to things and this will give them clues and indications of how they should be reacting.
As to your son making his friends move over so he doesn't have to sit next to a girl. You should have made that another "teachable moment" and talked to your son about manners, consideration of others' feelings, ect.
Let your children be children...don't expect them to react like adults to things right now...they are learning everyday and once they are grown they have a LONG time to be adults!!
R. Ann

I see that you have a lot of responses hopefully they all help you out. I feel that at 6 and 8 it is a perfect time for them to understand what is happening overseas and even here in America. I remember when I was younger and to this day getting chills hearing all the "Operation Holiday" and "Salvation Army" stories. Or the Children's Miracle Network etc. Explain to them that these other countries are experiencing tragedy and that in times like this all the other countries should come together to help them. Or that at Christmas time we like to give gifts or food donations to other children and families that aren't as lucky as we are to have so many nice things. You can pick and choose the details you give a child regarding their age. For example you may not want them to know the extent of people jumping out of windows during 9/11 but they should know that many people and families are hurt from something so devastating. Or the Oklahoma City bombing. I was 10 or so when that happened, yeah it broke my heart but that has taught me to care about other people and want to help in times of need. Maybe you could take some food items to a food bank....explain to your kids that you are donating food to people in need or have them make a toy donation to goodwill. My son is 2 and each yr for his birthday and Christmas we go through his toys and tell him that since he's getting new toys that we should give some of our older toys to other kids. He even donates toys he still plays with just so he doesn't feel he's donating "junk" At Christmas I bought my daycare kids gifts and had my son give them to the kids so that he learns how nice it is to give and see how happy people are in return. the 1 on 1 helps a lot at a young age. Otherwise they won't see how it affects the other people and they will just shrug it off. Christmas is a ways off but maybe you guys could adopt a family? I don't know where you are financally but you if adopting a family is out of range maybe just buy for a child. At our mall or other local stores(walmart, kmart etc) they have Christmas trees with name tags/wish lists on them. believe it's through salvation army. Maybe you and your husband can compromise on the amount your children know but as you said he's in the military(I have military in my family God Bless them) He should want his children to know the pride of the USA and the joy of giving to others in need!!!!

I have one of those hubbys at home too. He's a PO in Detroit, so he's super cynical about EVERYTHING. He's quick to see the worst in people and thinks our son should just get used to the idea that the world is a crummy place (our son is almost five) and that people aren't always kind and good.

It frustrates me to no end because I'm the love everyone until there's a reason not to kind of person. I try to teach my son to be compassionate and caring, but am underminded daily by the hubby.

I have no real advice for you here, just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Just try to give an alternate (and compassionate) perspective each time so that it off sets dad's. That's all I've been able to do and so far my 5 yr old is a loving and caring little boy, so I must be on the right track. Good luck!!

I agree that military experience often hardens people. This is why I feel it is important for women to avoid that kind of exposure. Children need at least one parent who has not been jaded by war experiences, preferably the parent with whom they have their first emotional connections. I wouldn't put too much effort in trying to change this in your husband or to try to convince him that he should be the one to help your children develop this kind of sensitivity. Don't miss the opportunity to teach your children while trying to teach your husband how to teach your children.

That said, I cannot say I support the idea of explaining feelings of compassion to children. Yes, they need to be taught compassion and it is the parent's responsibility to teach this. However, we do not learn such feelings from explanations. Compassion, like other virtues, is not just the way something is done or said. It is a motivating sensation that we feel from deep within. It may be actually make it more difficult for children to develop such feelings if they are chastised for not developing them automatically.

Two ways to teach virtues, such as compassion, is to demonstrate them and to encourage them by creating opportunities to experience them. You can point the finger at yourself and express your own compassion. You might say something like, "I cannot imagine how frightening it would be if everything we owned came crashing down around us and we didn't know where to find food or have a bed to sleep in and everyone we used to get help from had just lost everything too. I wonder what I can do to help." This might naturally attract the children to change their focus and engage them in thinking of ways to help. This kind of approach is often far more effective than telling them that you are disappointed in their lack of compassion. It is important to teach this, but it is unrealistic to expect children to develop such things automatically.

Too often adults try to tell children what they 'should' feel instead of helping them awaken those feelings. We have not been taught how to help children this way. It is a bit of an art, but it is almost impossible to succeed as a parent if we do not develop this skill. I frequently recommend a book by Linda Popov, The Family Virtues Guide. It teaches us how to teach children virtues and how to help them develop conscious awareness of these latent powers within.

My son is 5 1/2. He saw what was probably the same commercial.
His reaction was that he wanted to go there immediately to help! My heart just soared! He is normally a compassionate, emotional little boy, but there are times when he does/says things that totally void of any compassion.
When I explained more of what is going on in Haiti, it was surreal to him...he had a hard time imagining the living conditions, the tragedy of losing loved ones, etc., but he knew that there must be something we can do to help. We had him call the "hopeforHaiti" hot line to donate $.
So, I guess my point is that 8 and 6 are not too young to understand that there are people in need...not too young to understand tragedy, loss, and compassion.
Sure, let them be kids, but they need to learn compassion sometime!
lb

If that's the first time they have been exposed to a disaster, their reaction is pretty normal. When my son saw images on tv from Haiti (and YES, he's supervised and sees 99% age-appropriate stuff) he started asking questions. I explained hat lots of people were now homeless and needed help from other 9compassionate) countries. We talked about how Haiti is a very popor country normally and now lots of those people have less than they did before. His school is doing a collection through Brother's Brother for items like wipes, toothbrushes, combs, etc and we're going to go buy stuff and he will take it to school and place in the collection box. Does their school have anything like that going on? If not I'm sure you can find a local organization to use and use it as a discussion on caring.
As far as the boy/girl situation--I think that's typical. Kids that age don't get "subtle" yet.

I think you are absolutely right. A child is NEVER too young to be compassionate. I think you're more likely to loose the window for compassion than to start too early. I would be furious with my six year old if she reacted that way, or my five year old neice or four year old nephew. I think you have to coax compassion, teach them what it means and that it is good to be compassionate. Ironically enough, my daughter rented the American Girl movie, "Chrissa" this weekend. It has excellent message about bullying which is even down to the subtle way of hurting that little girls feelings that you mentioned above. Might be worth watching? Good luck, don't give up the fight. I think I would punish an 8 1/2 year old who laughted at that - if after you explain to them - they did it again.

Why not take your kids to a soup kitchen, food pantry, homeless shelter, etc. to volunteer their time. Explain the problem these people are having and they will have an opportunity to see that these are just people who have fallen on hard times. My daughter also volunteered at a daycare for low income children, she read books to them and just played games, it might hit home if they play with these kids to hear that maybe they didn't have breakfast that morning or they don't have internet, whatever might make an impact with your child. Mine learned compassion when a child at her school needed chapstick and heard her tell the teacher that her mother didn't have the money to buy some, the next day she brought some to the child. If they only see kids at their income level they will never fully understand need.

I agree with you. Whether, boys will be boys & kids will be kids, you still have to give them the fundamentals & take those opportunities to explain to them. My son is 9 is very emphathetic to people & the world around him. If he was to see something about the disaster, he would want to help or at the very least feel sorry for them. They are not too young. Even with the girl thing, he should have taken the opportunity to talk to him & say he knows it's a boy thing, but he doesn't have to be so rude about it. Okay so you don't want to sit by a girl, but you don't have to be disrespectful about it. They need to learn about caring for other people's feelings...this is a preschool thing. Since he's been in the military, is your husband "hard core". I know some that have served & come out "hard core & intense" & others that come out soft as a kitten because of what they have experienced. Just saying maybe that's where they get it from. If he just blows everything off, they see that so therefore, what do they care if someone's starving, not their problem. Don't know...just guessing, but I gree with you...they have to learn.

I agree with you about speaking to your children! Children learn compassion from their parents, and the people around them. 6 and 8 ARE old enough to understand what is going on. It can only make them more grateful for what they have themselves to know and understand there are less fortunate people out there in the World.

Maybe your hubby shrugs a lot of things off because then he doesn't have to deal with any feelings he may have about the less fortunate?

Good luck!

N.

wow... i was actually very pist at what i saw on 20/20 last friday night. I'm not sure if you watched it but they showed the piles of dead bodies and what hit me the most was the baby (maybe about 1 or 2) on the top of the pile naked. i couldn't believe they showed that on TV. and like you said our children are seeing this and wondering whats going on i just think the media doesn't respect the people and they just want to have the best stories and pictures from tragic events like this. they should be ashamed of what they showed on tv. The people who were still alive and badly injured were enough for us to soak in and realize what they are going through.

i agree with you 100%, you are the parents and your son is only going to learn that stuff from you, there are plenty of kids who don't act that way, not that there is anything wrong with your son he is only 8 but i definately agree with you that you should have a talk with him about treating others with respect/having compassion, if his father doesn't see it as a necessity that there is no reason why you can't talk with him yourself, just tell him that kind of behavior is unacceptable, explain to him that these people are suffering, ask him how he would feel if that happened to him on the bus. don't just say oh boys will be boys, that's ridiculous and i agree with you not your husband.

Yes in a way you are overreacting but in other ways your being irresponsible. One TV time should be very limited and only at age appropriate viewing. They do not need to see the suffering because they are still to young to completely understand. But it is smart to talk to them about what they saw. explain in simple terms like there was an earthquake and there was a lot of homes that fell down because the earth shook to much. you can not make them feel compassion when they do not understand what the emotion is. As for him making his friends move over so he doesnt have to sit next to a girl that is a phase he will grow out of.

As for what you want out of your husband have you thought about how much he probably hates remembering the stuff he has seen. There is were compassion should come into play. He is right they should not have to see that kind of stuff until they are old enough to understand. Talk to your husband try understanding his point of view.

Just remember what you have to look forward to when your kids are teenagers and all over the opposite sex. You will remember when girls had germs and were to avoid like the plague and wish for those days back.