Behavorial Issue with 9 Year Old - Creative Ideas/support Needed

I hear this is a very good book. I'm planning on getting one too :)
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

For the long-term, I would read a great little book called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." It's terrific for learning to communicate with your child and make them feel heard while getting them to find solutions to their own problems. It also discusses different communication styles and does say in one part that some people (kids included) don't want to talk about everything all at once. She just might not be ready. You can't force it out of her and you want any apology to be sincere, not just because of something you are threatening to do or not to do.

Some other books I like include "Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie. I recommend them highly.

If she is as sensitive as you say she is, it might take her a while to make up her mind that she wants to talk or say anything to you. Personally, for now, I would give her space but maybe let her know that you will be ready to move on when she is, and you still love her, even when you don't love how she acts. Also make it clear what the consequences will be the next time she chooses to step out of line.

I'd like to recommend two books and then I'll follow with some ideas.

First: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. She's tuning you out, not cooperating and participating... this book covers the communication end of things. (After almost 20 years of having worked with kids of all ages, I think this book should be required reading for all parents, it's THAT helpful!) She needs to be able to 'hear' you without your nagging, and she needs to find her voice in these conversations. This book asks us to let our children help to find solutions to their own problems, as well as alternatives to the acting-out/aggressive behaviors.

Second, I strongly encourage you to find a copy of "Taking Charge: Loving Discipline that works at home and at school" by JoAnn Nordling. I love this woman (and this book)-- she's coming to my son's preschool Friday night to talk. I saw her 10 years ago and was blown away by her loving-and-balanced, fair and firm way in which she suggests handling disciplinary issues with our children. It requires work on the part of the parents to identify the 'why' behind the behavior, but ultimately makes the challenges our kids throw at us "their" challenges to work through, with very reasonable corrections or consequences. This book is required reading at my son's preschool, and I find I turn to it often.

For right now, a couple things pop up. It's highly likely that she's not apologizing or explaining what she did wrong because perhaps A. this is part of a power struggle ('you can punish me but I won't say sorry' as a way of saving face) or B. she doesn't dare admit she's wrong, also as a way to save face. I personally don't require apologies from children-- I'd rather get a genuine one than a forced one. This is something I model as a teacher and a parent, and my son (4) does give me at least a couple of spontaneous apologies a day, and doesn't repeat his mistake/misbehavior for a day or so. (These aren't horribly egregious either.)

If she doesn't set her table for dinner, or clear her space for dinner (to make room for the meal), then serve dinner to everyone else who has done this. If she chooses not to come to dinner at dinnertimes, let her go to bed hungry for a night. In our home, dinnertime is when you eat, there's nothing served later, no before-bed snacks. You eat dinner at dinnertime, not when you please. Let her clear her own space at the table and get her own dishes if you've set up for everyone else (This is in case she's left a mess on the table. Do not clear it for her.): *only then* can she be served. Don't remind her, other than the first "you need to do...." .

If she refuses to put her clothes in the washing, then they don't get washed. (Wait until the favorite pants/dress aren't available 'at will'...) Ask her to bring her clothes to the wash once, and then no reminders. She's nine. She knows which clothes on her floor are dirty.If she chooses not to put her clean clothes away, then you have a couple options: start up a laundry basket of *her* clean clothes for her to fold and put away (at this age, she *can* do this) or if you fold them, let her know that there's no going out for special trips (park, playdates) until her room is clean/clothes put away.

Same with homework. You can have her take a homework journal to school and write down assignments. Talk to her teacher about your daughter checking in each day (before it's time to go home) to make sure all assignments are recorded. If she doesn't tend to her homework on her own, put her in a kitchen chair at the table where she can't play and tell her that she has to finish her homework, completely and correctly, before she can go anywhere else other than the bathroom. (a reasonable consequence getting homework done is to work on it at home during the the weekend; no fun 'til it's done, to be grounded to home for the following weekend. Same consequence for not bringing her homework home or fudging her homework journal.)

I'd say, for the "not talking" (because a conversation is in order when she hurts/fights with someone. She needs to check in with them)-- find a chair in a quiet place for her to sit in until she's ready to 'check in'. I wouldn't call it time out, but just 'thinking time' and she must sit in that chair until she's willing to address the issue at hand and be part of it's resolution. As for the talking back-- I have a spectrum of 'talking back'--- if it's grumbling, l consider it as just being self-indulgent and let it go. If it's outright rudeness, I'm very clear that I do not tolerate it; this is when I tell my son that "I am not ready for your company". Send her to the Thinking Chair and let her know that you will be ready to talk to her when she's ready to discuss what she said and understands why it was not kind or helpful. (I got this idea, by the way, from "The Science of Parenting" which is also great.) Instead of isolating her to her room, the thinking chair should not be in her room, but in a quiet place where you can still know she's not playing or reading. She must sit there until she's ready to come and talk. Don't remind her either "You can get out just as soon...." NO ATTENTION. Don't "rescue" her, or you'll sabotage the fine work you were doing being firm with her.

I hope this gives you some ideas.... I'm a huge believer in logical, natural consequences, and like to take the approach of "well, if you don't do X, what happens?" (as opposed to "if you don't do X, what will I do to YOU?")

Good luck.Every age is tough in it's own way!

Ages 9-12 is the Tween ages.

Google search "Tween Development." Many good articles.

Also from this age, and my Dad did this too, is really try to nurture a 'relationship' with your daughter. Not based on performance. Just a relationship that is there, with you and her Dad. If she has this, then the tendency to act out and have a rebellious teen years, is diminished.

Many times, kids are just handled per their performance or bad/good perceptions. But, they are not having a 'relationship' with their parents, based on who they are nor are they allowed to say how they feel good or bad.
Kids need for the parents to know them... and be a soft place to fall. Unconditionally. And to be accepted for who they are. Despite, imperfections.

I can't answer on how to deal with this as a parent because I am just pregnant with my first, but I reacted the same way your daughter did each time I got in trouble. I rarely got in trouble, did well in school, etc. I was never scared of my parents, but it was somewhat overwhelming to have both of them sit me down for a "talk". I felt like nothing I would say would make a difference, so I just wouldn't say anything. Most likely, your daughter does recognize why her behavior is wrong. One thing that may help that worked for me and my mom- she bought my sister and I each journal. Whenever we had something that we felt uncomfortable discussing with her directly, we could write to her, leave the journal on her desk, and she would write us back. That usually opened the lines of communication enough to start a face to face discussion.

I think it helps a great deal to wait 24 hours after the incident to have that conversation. Even if like you said, she is calmed down. Sometimes I am so anxious to get to that point of resolution, I push for it too soon, and it just doesn't work AT ALL.