How do I keep from getting angry with my stepson when the tantrums start? He is 5yrs old. He is on medication for ADD which helps some. But it's like every little thing I say to him or ask of him either is an arguement with him or leads to him balling up and acting like a baby. An example is he has a bedroom and a toy room and wants to scatter toys in kitchen and living room. I ask him to take them where they belong and he balls up like he's going to cry or starts telling me no and arguing. He also has a chromosome defiency which I'm not sure if that plays a role in some of his behavioral issues or not. Everything can lead to a battle from what TV show he wants to watch to when he will be going to his former foster moms house or seeing his birth mom. Or getting a new toy. I just got him a ball from machine 2 days ago he lost it same day and continuously asks for a new one. I try not to argue but the constant asking and not getting what I tell him does get on my nerves very badly. For those that will be critical I raised 4 children already never had the issues I'm having now. But I am a stay at home mom to this little boy and trying very hard to be as patient as I can be with him. We are taking him to see phycologist who tries to give him techniques to use when he is getting upset. He will not use them. He was removed from his birth mom at 8mths and went to foster care. My husband won custody of him just before he turned 3. Family not dysfunctional here. Just need help on ways to remain calm when dealing with these issues every single day.
Reason for him keeping his toys either in his room or playroom is there are dogs in the house. When he leaves them out they get hold of them and then I have to deal with him being upset because toy was destroyed due to his negligence. Everyday he asks when he will be going back to see former foster mom( as she still gets every other weekend with him) and I have to count out days till he can go again if he does not like answer he gets upset. Anything and everything will set him off into a crying fit or being argumentive. So please help.
Please get the book easy to love, difficult to discipline. It has tons of suggestions about what you can do.
If he has a chromosome abnormality I highly suggest working with a behavioral specialist! They will give you good tips and play time tips on how to work better with your child. Good luck!
ps. I will either eliminate your anger with him completely or avoid an argument all together!
You need to find a way to help his little guy with his attachment to you, and possibly to his father. And, that may mean no consequences for now ... Check out "Beyond Consequences" (https://www.google.com/shopping/product/13251976319394058....
Suggest talking with his social worker and seeing if the visits with foster mom are still healthy ... They may not be for him and may be contributing to some of his behaviors ... He may not feel like he has a sense of permanency because he's still going between the two homes ... That's hard for a little guy. Think about it this way ... For 8 months, he was with bio mom. She "left" and he spent just over 2 years with a foster family, and, now, he's just at the 2 year mark with dad. Basically, you've "adopted" a 5 year old special needs child from foster care ... You're not raising a "normal" kiddo here. But, you're the adult, so YOU have to make the changes.
You need to "meet him where he's at". Chronologically, he's 5. Socially and emotionally, not so much. Would you be this frustrated with him if he was 2? Probably not ... So meet him at 2. He'll catch up, but it's gonna take at least 3 or 4 years of solid stability, love, and support to get there. He need a therapist to deal with the huge amounts of loss in his short life.
You've got this. Just need different tools in your basket than the ones you used for your 4 kids .....
Even completely medically normal kids in normal families will tantrum if they can get away with it. So of course kids with medical issues in foster care etc will too.
For a normal child, preferably you would not get angry at a child OR try to control your anger as the solution. You would make you choice to enforce a "no tantrum" policy with discipline or accept it and ignore it and let the tantrums proceed for as many years as the child wants (8 years old is not uncommon). Whatever your personal parenting style choice is.
If you do decide to ignore, then yes, you do have to curb your anger and accept your choice. Your anger will make he situation worse not better. You have decided to allow the fits. You can't get mad when he throws them. Just cross your fingers and hope he gets sick of it sooner than later. Lots of people recommend safety proofing the child's room and locking them away out of ear shot for fits...
Same with pointless arguments. Either you're going to stand by your word and discipline him for arguing or you're going to allow him to argue. Either way, don't get mad and get in a fight with a child. State your case and disengage. But the only thing that will stop the behavior is effective discipline after a clear warning. Calmly and consistently delivered.
Get professional medical help to see what you are up against with his behavior. Can he behave or not? An expert can hopefully advise.
Geez - this kid has both ADHD and a chromosomal abnormality, plus enough dysfunction in his family that he has a foster mom, and his behavior/ tantrums get on your nerves?
I think you should get over yourself.
Yes, try to ask your Ped to give you a referral to a behavior specialist. He probably has challenges that are specific to his chrom. Deficiencies.
On top of being bounced around with different parenting deficiencies and styles. You need professional help and the psychologist is not getting the job done. Find a better one, a child specific one. Try some behavioral feedback therapy. Try stuff till it works.
It's not about your competence or your experience with other kids. It's this dynamic, now. Give yourself a break and him a break. This is one of those very stressful situations in life that neither one of you were prepared for.
You could probably use some family counseling also. They could give you help setting rules (go to his room when he is pitching a fit) and consequences. Just because he has issues doesn't mean he gets to boss you around, or his teacher next year. It just means you have to be more specific with rules (pick up THAT toy) and you have to be even more consistant with consequences (if that toy is not picked up, it goes in time out for a week). Don't give in half the time. It will just confuse him.
Read books, 123 Magic or Love and Logic or google specific books for his medical needs and related behaviors. Keep asking for help till you get it.
Dear D.,
You're a wonderful (step)mom for being there for this little boy, challenges or no. However, it's hard for me, as a stranger on the Internet, to give you suggestions when I don't know the nature of his chromosomal abnormality.
I will say that any child who's been removed from his birth family, who's been in foster care, and who now is in a new custodial situation will have significant behavioral issues. Even were it not for the chromosomal issue, he hasn't had the opportunity to mature at a rate that's consistent with his chronological age. A 5-year-old in that situation will probably be at the emotional level of a 3-year-old. And that's normal and appropriate, in his context. So in terms of your remaining calm, it may be helpful to remind yourself that you're not shooting for a generic normal for a 5-year-old boy. HIS normal is going to be different; you need to build your expectations around that.
Beyond that, people (including myself) who don't know the nature of his chromosomal abnormality may have a hard time giving useful advice. You may get better results working with a specialist who understands his diagnosis, and/or an online support group associated with it. This may be a hard one to crowd-source to the general public.
Once you have engaged in the tantrum you have lost. Walk away! Let him cry, whine, scream - just walk away. Tantrums are for the audience, not the child. Once the audience is gone, the child has no reason to throw the tantrum. It may take a while, just be patient. There is nothing wrong with letting a kid scream while you walk away.
Once you give an answer, then the conversation is over. Again, walk away.
I am a teacher and I do not argue with children. Once they understand that, they don't try anymore. Even the kids that have ADD.
Also, I would have him in some type of therapy. His constant need, need, need - needs to be addressed and dealt with. But you need to find the root of the problem before it can be fixed.
Good luck!
He sounds a lot like my son...who is now 10. He's a really hard kid. Seeing a child psychiatrist has helped him a lot. You might have to try different people to find someone who is really good and works well with your son. He was so impossible at age 5, doing all the things you say your stepson is doing and more. He really has caused me to burn out as a parent at times. I have been through so much stress. I have cried. I have read every book out there. I have felt like giving up. This last year (4th grade) was extremely tough. Overall he is maturing and getting better with his behavior...definitely. It's been a long, slow road. I have learned not to take his behavior personally and to take a step back and not care so much about the outcome. That sounds kind of sad, but it has been a sanity saver. Hang in there. Deep breaths. Make time for yourself to de-stress.
This child has mental health problems. You know this. Going to the psychologist with him and working the programs will help you.
He's not a normal kid, you know this. He might never be anything but this.
Please, for your own sanity...lol...establish ground rules now.
ALL TOYS that come out of the bedroom get put in time out for not minding, they know they're supposed to stay in that room but they came out anyway.
Time out is not anything his mind can comprehend. More than 30 minutes and he's forgotten he even owned that toy. 30 minutes for a toy to be out of reach is enough for him to totally have a melt down and calm down. Then the time out time starts.
Do as much of the household work as close to his door as you can. Then when he walks out of his bedroom door with a toy you can take it immed., put it in the time out basket on top of the fridge, bookshelf that's attached to the wall with L brackets on top, the mantle, etc....
You must stay right there and be consistent. With his mental health issues and cognitive abilities it might take 3 months for him to even start getting it.
Please consider finding a full day Mother's Day Out Program for him. You need some time during the day for your self.
Also, take this boy to a psychologist or organization that is full accredited to do full evaluations. The purpose of this is to get him fully diagnosed. Once you have a full diagnosis you can find out if he qualifies for an IEP, this is a program for kids that go into special ed type classes due to learning disabilities or levels of abilities where they can't be required to do the same work as the other kids their age. Kids that have disabilities can go to school year round. They offer those classes in the mornings here.
If he doesn't qualify for an IEP then he absolutely MUST have a 504 plan at school. Please google for further information. As a student with mental health issues the school is required to give him much consideration.
All children need to learn consequences for actions. If you do this, this will happen but if you do that then that will happen. For example, if you leave your toys in any other room than the toy room, they will get thrown away or put up out of reach or eaten by the dogs. When you find said toy in the undesignated area then the designated consequence happens to the toy. EVERY TIME
As a parent when you already know the outcome, consequences for your child's action, then it makes it easier to parent. It doesn't mean you won't be thrown a curve ball every now and then but you are better prepared for the regular occurances.
