Behavior Problem - Magna,UT

I agree 100 percent with the advice from Jana S. My kids have all gone through a stage like this. Good luck!
Amy (mommy of five)

Do not punish your son for this behavior. He's simply wanting more of your attention. Imagine being the only child for your entire existence, enjoying a life with a mom who only had eyes for you. Then along comes another who demands your mom's attention constantly and you get but a fraction of her. What your son needs is reassurance that you love him and still care about him. Hold him, kiss him, talk to him as much as you can. Have your husband or a friend care for your baby, even just for an hour or so, so you and your older son can be alone and do something he enjoys doing with you. Encourage your older son to help with the care of your younger son and try to do things that the three of you can have fun doing together. This type of behavior from older siblings is soooooo normal - patience and lots of love will go a long way in this situation.

Hi

We went through this with our 3.5 year old when my second was born. I think the best thing to do is to coddle him a bit. He'll outgrow it. It's important that you find time to spend with just your first without baby around. My first is still asking me to crazy things for him but he sees his baby sister getting lots of attention from me. I try to do as much as I can within reason. I do carry him when I can but mostly, I cuddle with him all that I can. Empathising with him at this stage will teach him to empathise with his sibling and others. Just realize that it will pass and that he is your baby too. There's no harm in being nice. There's also no harm in setting firm boundaries in a gentle way. He needs to work through not getting what he wants all the time. You will be amazed at how resourceful little ones can be if you set out of the way and don't get tangled up in their emotions. Albeit, the screaming is hard to hear all the time. Make sure you get some time for yourself and look for a babysitter or mother's helper to pinch hit for you.

Hope this helps.

Gwen

When your 2 1/2 year old is screaming and throwing fits to get what he wants, and you give him, he is winning the battle. In his eyes his tactic has worked, therefore he is gong to use that tactic in the future to get what he wants. The next time you try to ignore him, so he goes on and on longer and longer because he knows eventually you will give in, which you do again, and he wins again, so the cycle repeats. This is a very hard cycle to break.

You will have to have a very hard fought battle to win now. You have to change YOUR mindset from "I don't want to hear him scream anymore this time" to "I don't want him to continue this behavior in the future." If you don't you will have a 3 year old who does this too. The next time he does this say to him "You can not scream at mommy." Thats it. DO NOT do what he wants. YOU CAN NOT give in-you are in charge not him. If he doesn't stop in 2 minutes repeat "You can not scream at mommy." And ignore him again. He will eventually get the message.

After he stops tell him you are not going to allow him to do that anymore. You are probably going to have a battle like that a few times over a few days before he figures out you are serious--after all you have let him win a bunch of times right?? Remind him "You are 2--YOUR A BIG BOY!! YOU can do it!! Then you might have flare ups--just use the same reminder--"you can not scream at mommy"

There are times it is ok to carry a 2 year old, help them get things, but NEVER when they scream at you or demand things from you. 2 year old are perfectly capable of saying please and thank you!

Hi E.,
It sounds to me like he's just trying to get attention. My suggestion would be to ignore the tantrums (put him in his room or somewhere that he doesn't have an audience), and stay the course. Remind him that he's a big boy, and that he can do it himself. Encourage him to speak to you in a calm manner. Tell him "I can't hear you when you're crying" or I can't hear you when you're whining" or "I can't hear you when you're screaming" or fill in the blank. This REALLY worked for me when mine were little. If you always refuse to engage him on that level, i.e. carry him when he's acting out or get things for him that he is capable of getting on his own, he'll figure out that what he's doing isn't working for him. This is VERY HARD to do. You have to be consistent. You absolutely cannot give in to the screaming and crying. Every time you do, you reinforce the bad behavior. It's not about punishment, but rather about discipline, & you can't consistently discipline (or teach) him if you're not disciplined yourself.
One other thing you might try is finding ways for him to help you care for your 8 month old. Have him get the diaper, or wipes or whatever you can think of that he can safely do. If the baby is fussing say, "(your child's name), can you come & help me see what the baby needs?" (Or something like that.) He needs to feel important, and you are the best person to help him feel that way. Will it take longer to get things done? You betcha... but the payoff will be worth the extra time. I promise!
You CAN do this. I know it's hard; it's a tough stage to go through, but it IS temporary, and YOU have the control over how temporary it actually is. It is directly related to how consistent YOU are. You're a good mom (YES, you are!) and YOU CAN DO IT! I hope this helps!
You have my best wishes,
-M. W.

My daughter is 20 months old and and my son is 2 and a half months old. My daughter will try to get me to get stuff for her that she drops or that is sitting on the coffee table. I usually just tell her she's a big girl and she can get it and that I can't reach it either. If she throws a fit I just let her cry and maybe try to distract her by putting on her favorite music to dance to or her favorite kids program. If she starts throwing things (this happens occassionally) I tell her she will have to go sit in the hallway (the time out spot) if she doesn't pick it up and be nice. She only has to stay in time out for one minute and I make sure she knows why she is there before I put her in and then again when she comes out. I tell her "you threw your crayons on the floor and mommy told you to pick them up and you didn't. Are you going to be nice now and go pick them up?" Usually she says yes, gets a hug and kiss from me and she's well behaved. If she refuses, she goes back for another minute for not listening to mommy. You might also try treating him like a baby..and make sure he knows it's not fun. You can't eat cookies when you are a baby, you can't walk, you can't watch TV, you can't go to the playground, etc. And try to find some activities that all 3 of you can do together. I'm assuming your 8 month old can sit upright...you could roll a ball between you, have your older son teach him. Have them build a tower together and then knock it down. In the summer, pudding painting is awesome...they get to get all messy and if the little one eats it, who cares, it's just pudding. (I say in the summer because you want to strip them down to the diaper for this) Good luck and be strong!

My kids went through this for a bit when my son came along, my daughter was 3. Encourage him to always try to do something on his own before you rush to help him, constantly praise him for being the big boy and big brother, helping the baby learn things from him. If he is acting out, just reassure him you love him but don't coddle him. Carve out special time each day where you do something he likes and explain to him why babies need so much work, they cannot talk, crawl/walk and cannot feed themselves. Reassure him in time the baby won't need "mommy" so much and will actually be able to play with him. Don't reward the fits, however don't ignore it all together either, just keep reassuring him he can do it himself and how proud you are of him.

Get your oldest to be your "big helper". Explain that you really need his help. Have him to small things, like through away diapers or pick up a few toys or help stir something when you cook. Have him help fold clothes or other small tasks that he could feel a sense of accomplishment. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate what he does and when he acts out let him know that he helps more when he doesn't cry and fuss and then distract him with a "fun" task or a story or something.

Hello E., I imagine your older son is just needing more of the baby type nurturing before he moves on to other phases of his development. And, I soooo feel for you it terms of caring for the needs of two at the same time! Mine are over four years apart and it was still rough for me to attend to the needs of my youngest when my older child needed me, too.

I sure would not punish your older son for asking (through crying or screaming) for your attention. To start, would you consider simply validating his emotions/experience? You could say something like, "You are really wanting me to hold you right now." Or, "I bet it is hard to wait for me sometimes when I am caring for your little brother." Just having him realize you understand what he might be feeling can help. A great book about skills like these is, "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish.

Also, if want support in terms of managing your own emotions in response to your children, I recommend, "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," by Naomi Aldort.

Hang in there. Each moment is new and, this too, shall pass. ~T.

I would have to say it will not be a stage if you allow it to continue. As long as your older son is getting his own "mommy time" he should not be throwing screaming fits when you play with his brother. I have a 2 year old boy and a 6 month old daughter. My son will occasionally scream when he doesn't get his way (typical of a 2 year old). He is told to use his words to say what he wants. If it is something he can do himself and he refuses to do it he has 2 choices 1-be quiet and forget about it or 2-if the screaming continues he is put in timeout. It is not fun to listen to a screaming child I know but the pay off will be huge down the road! Besides, if he knows the screaming will eventually wear you down, he will only do it more!

This isn't uncommon, I go though this with each one of my kids (7 of the buggers). One thing I have learned that helps is telling both kids, the baby and the toddler, to "hold on a minute mommy will be with you in a second" and I make them wait, and when I am done I help them, especially when I am interacting with a sibling, I do this from the beginning, even as newborns, and at 18 months my son knows to hold on and will entertain himself until I can get to him.

I wouldn't pick the toy up that is 5 feet away, or carry him, he has legs, let him though his fit, ignore it and let him know that he can pick up the toy if he wants it, he can walk to where he wants to go. He will learn after a few days that you aren't going to do it for him, afterall you don't want to be catering to a teenager. I wouldn't punish the behaviour he is only doing what is working for him, but I also wouldn't reward it, I know it is hard to ignore but it is really the best course of action. Good luck!

I have 3 children close in age & can totally relate to what you're saying. I do think it is a phase, but I think it will last a lot longer if you give in to it all the time. He sees that it works, so he will continue to do it. If he wants a toy that he is able to get, I would not get it for him. When he gets upset at this (and he will), just tell him that you know he wants it, you understand & it's so sad that he doesn't have it & that he can get it if he wants it. If he really wants the toy he'll go get it. If he just wants to see what he can make you do, he'll get frustrated that you won't do it, but eventually will stop trying when he sees it's not working. As for crying to get you to hold him, I would again acknowledge that he wants you to hold him, but tell him you can't (if you can't) and suggest an alternative. If he won't go for it & screams, I would ignore him. It's tough to do, but if you stick to it, it will get better. You have to be consistent, however. If you give in & pick him up, he's just going to know that throwing a fit gets him what he wants & it will only encourage him to do it again. All of this is totally normal behavior & I wouldn't punish him for it. But I would teach him that screaming & fits do not work and that talking and asking nicely do work. Consistency is the key! Good luck!

My little girl did the same thing. I did 2 things.

1) Coddled her like I did the baby. She got the attention, and soon figured out she was too big for that kind of attention; it wasn't as fufilling as she expected.

2) Gave her a baby to coddle like I had. I recommend a cabbage patch doll. Cloth diapers and "snappy" closures are safe for toddlers, and come pretty small (or you could cut your own from some fleece.) I let her use pretend bottles, pretend powder, etc. I know yours is a boy, but if I had another child with my son at his age, I'd try the same thing before searching for other options.

My boys are the exact same age and my 2 1/2 year has started acting the same way. My closest mommy friends boys are at the same age as ours too and having the same problem. We haven't found a solution yet, but we have figured out being our boys are the same age (within 20 days, the oldest, and a month apart ont he babies) is that every attitude problem we have just seems to go with the age and they have all seemed to resolve themselves within a resonable amt of time. We both have way different methods of dealing with our kids, she's more likely to coddle and try to over shower with affection to make up for what she feels is her lack of attention where as I'm not like that. I know I do my best and I love on my sons beaucoup, but I don't have a problem with saying enough is enough and going for the timeout. We get together every week and when we compare notes, our boys are most usually on the same page. Best advice, Patience. Hang in there. Our kids are sooo close in age and sooo young, I'm sure you feel like I do sometimes and it can be overwhelming, but this to shall pass :) Good luck!

The best advice I ever got for having a second child is never blame anything on the baby. What this means is that if you have to leave the park to put the baby down for a nap, do not tell your older son that you are leaving because the baby needs a nap; tell him that it is just time to go. If you can't play with him because the baby is demanding or needs to be fed, do not tell him that. Do not lie to your child, just make sure you find an explanation that doesn't involve the baby. I did this when I had my second child and there was no jealousy. When the baby was bout 6 months old I found myself "blaming the baby" and I noticed that my older daughter was getting quite jealous. I stopped blaming the baby again and the jealousy subsided.

The screaming and crying comes because he is trying to fight for your attention...jealousy. What helped my son when I had another baby was being included in the activities of the baby. I would ask him to help me get a blanket for the baby - who is now also 8 months old - finding a toy for the baby. Sometimes I get out some blocks and we all play together. Usually my oldest doesn't want to play with the baby, but he gets attention from me and I can keep an eye on my 8 month old. He just needs to know that you don't love him less now that there is an addition to the family.

When he does scream and cry tell him in a calm quiet voice - for example: that you need to feed baby and then you guys can play together). This may not stop the tantrum, but he will know that you care for his feelings. Don't forget to follow through with your promise to play.

If this is very unusal behavior for your son, I would make sure that there isn't a medical issue that is causing him not to want to get up and move and do for himself.