Can someone please help me. I recently got married in February and my husband has 2 children and I have 1. His daughter does not want to listen when we ask her to do something. She has gotten to where whatever we say she does the opposite. She hides dirty clothes in the bottom or back of her closet, under her bed and in her dresser drawers. She is also eating in her room and then she hides the trash in different places. My daughter is a few months younger than she is and now she is starting to act like her and she has never acted like this before. I'm guessing that she is trying to look up to an older sister and follow her but I don't know what to do to stop this situation. Can someone give me some advice as to what to do?
I think you should see a family counselor. Blended families can be very difficult for children and they often express their emotional issues through behavior. You may also want to try Love and Logic Parenting. www.loveandlogic.com.
It sounds like your step daughter may be resenting you? I would talk to hubby and have him address the situation with his daughter. He definately needs to step in.
E.
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If you still talk like his daughter and my daughter, then maybe the root of the problem is that you guys have not thought of each other as family..
Once you start seeing her as your oldest daughter, and your husband sees her as his youngest, then you have made a huge step towards integration.
I think you and your husband, together, should discipline this behavior and show the kids that this behavior will not be tolerated. The children are going through a big transition with your recent marriage so they are probably testing you. Showing them discipline does not mean that you are not showing them love. Children crave structure and discipline as this helps them feel secure- something the daughters need right now with a changing environment. You can still shower her with plenty of love! Hugs, kisses, words of encouragement, cooking her favorite food, etc- but I would nip this bad behavior in the bud now!
Def. seek therapy. Children dont act like that for no reason.
Get her a therapist that will listen to her. It could be frustration or jealousy toward you guys for getting married....who knows.
I would say a nuetral person outside of your home would be a better start. I do hope she gets better. She sounds very upset about something.
Goodluck.
You need to sit with your husband and discuss the behavior than bith of you talk to her together, but she needs to respect you because if she doesn't do it know she will never will.
A.,
You two have bitten off a very big bite when you combined families. Stop and think about it, it is not nor will not be easy. Expect this in the beginning and then go very slowly with each issue. Everyone in the family, is going through a major change in their lifestyle and just waking up the day after getting married and expecting the kids to just fall into line is not going to happen. TONS of LOVE, respect, commitment, and consistency must be abundant in everything you both do as the parents of these children. They all need to feel safe and secure and accepted. I said it wouldn't be easy, but you must be dedicated to helping them adjust to all the newness. It can be scary for them and you need to think of how they are feeling. You and your husband are adults and can talk about everything, but kids act out when they are scared and unsure. They will bring with them monumental issues that will sit like a backpack on your back and you will automatically react if you don't think first the best way to handle every situation. Fairness must always be there for each of them. I say again, it won't be easy, but you bit off the big bite and now you have to chew it.
Learn about them, what they have experienced before they moved in with you. You can teach them the correct way with love. They need that more than you will ever know. Be their hero,(Dr. Phil)and your husband also. You didn't say their ages, but this advice fits any age.
Good luck, but I know you can combine this family and make it great with hard work from everyone.
Oh, honey! Best wishes! This is going to be a long road but you can do it! I think it might be a combined age and independance stage added into this new family situation. Make sure she knows she is welcome, and give her time to adjust!
A red flag went off for me when you said she is eating in her room and then hiding the wrappers! This could be the beginins of an eating disorder so really watch this! When I was a kid I had a similar situation when I was moved to a new family situation. I was over eating and embarressed by it. The solution for me ended up being my own personal cubby that was only for my food. It had a couple of treasures of my choice(my special kid jewelry and a toy), and some snack food... nothing more. In hindsight I think it was just a small plastic tupperware with an attachable lid! But it made me feel special and in control of a little piece of my life. And it got me through that rough patch! And it could be a fun project that the two of you do together!!!!
A.,
I too have a blended family, with 5 children for 11 years now. He had 3 boys and I had 2 girls. I wish I could tell you that it will be easy, but I wont lie to you. It wont. I can tell you its worth it! The best advice I can give anyone in this situation is "Be a Unified Team"! Its way too easy for kids to play both against the middle and given a chance, they will do it everytime...and that means yours will too. My husband and I used to have countless conversations about "what if" scenarios and that really helps. I can promise you what ever you two contemplate might happen...Will HAPPEN!
It's important for you both to remember that all the children still have loyalties to the other parent and defiance can be thier way of supporting the missing parent. We always found that the busier the kids were, the less time they had to choose loyalty.
Remember, kids are gifts that are given for a short time in our lives.....our spouses we live with forever!
Hi A.,
You didn't say how old your daughter is, but maybe it's time to teach her to do her own laundry. Then she'll see how beneficial it is to have it all in one appropriate place. If she refuses, you'll need to stay firm and not do it for her. After a few times not having clean clothes to wear, she may change her ways.
Good luck.
How old is his daughter. I would find out why his daughter is hiding her dirty clothes
We use the Love and Logic way to parent (www.loveandlogic.com). She definitely sounds like she has some issues here. But having said that, it may be a good thing for you to develop a really good relationship with her...one on one time.
A.,
First I want to say I can actually relate. My stepdaughter did this and it was disturbing to me too. Luckily I don't think our youngest will follow the older child's behavior because I always pointed out how bad it was to do those things.
It sounds like you are going to have to incorporate some kind of rules and a chart. You didn't say how old they are, but this can work regardless of the age. Just let them know what you expect and what reward they will get if they follow all of the rules, the chart will help keep track of it.
I did that with my stepdaughter for certain things and when she didn't do what she was supposed to, then it was noted. She would not get full credit for her allowance if she didn't complete what was necessary to get credit for it.
I know one of the things that is at the top of my list of things to do is to find an appropriate clothes hamper for my little one to get her in the habit of knowing what to do with her dirty clothes. I know growing up, we always had one.
let me also add this: we also made it a rule that there is to be no eating at all in the bedrooms. We all know how kids will hide stuff, etc. So it is that much easier to have a rule that everyone must eat in designated areas of the house only, no exceptions.
If you have the time to spare, try subscribing to this website: http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/
A.:
You and your husband need to restrict the two girls from something that both of you will be there to make sure that the girls will follow the restriction. You don't need to decide on something in which you will have to enforce the restriction. Nor do you need to decide on something which your husband has to do the enforcing. You need to show the girls that you and your husband are in it together, the area of restriction and the enforcement. Good luck.
P. S
A., when you blend families together and take on step children, it is never an easy thing to do. I have been with my husband for two years and he has two boys 15 and 13 and I have a girl 14 and boy 5. So we have the teenage problems. It has been a rollercoaster up and down and I have felt like quitting out of frustration. It seems to me that "his" daughter is crying out for attention and doing the things that she does is getting attention. All I know is that it is going to take time and patience and firmness to get through this situation. Maybe one on one time alone would help. Make her feel special and that you care about her. Then again, it takes time and constant correction to mold her into the daughter that she should be. It is true that siblings can take on the bad habits of older kids. Think about me with teenagers and a 5 year old. I have to constantly correct them to quit feeding him bad things like calling names or saying things like dumb or stupid. But overall, we have come a long way.
