Behavior - Jersey City,NJ

because children do not have empathy yet. They have been told how much we love them so why do we need another child?

They do not always have the capacity to understand the depth of our love for more than just them. It takes reassurance and lots of it, to make up for an infant that seems to be always top priority, when just a few days or weeks ago they were the one getting AlLLof the attention.

If they do not like sharing their toys, how can we expect them to like sharing their beloved parents?

Imagine your husband came home with another wife, but explained to you that you are still his first love and she would never be able to take your place. OK, it may be a silly example, but no amount of explaining ever got rid of deep-seated emotions. Of course kids are jealous, why shouldn't they be? The throne they occupied for however long has a new occupant, what's not to be jealous about?
How we deal with it is another matter: Patience and lots of counting to ten. Hang in there, it will get better when they discover they have a best friend for life. But that will take a while.

You don't mention specifics about your own situation, but I understand completely. I am just now digging out onto the other side of bringing a new baby home.
My boys are exactly 2 years and 2 days apart. So besides this being a difficult time for behavior we had to throw a new baby into the mix. Now that the little one is 7 months old things are as back to normal as they can possibly be. I think it just takes time for them to forget what the dynamic was like when it was just them around. I have even found my oldest son starting to play with his little brother. And often I catch him giving the baby hugs and kisses and saying "I love you". But it did not start out this way.
#1 was completely uninterested in the baby. In fact when we brought him to the hospital he took one look at the baby and then started making my hospital bed go up and down. I didn't try to force it. At home we would prop the baby up to watch us play and then would devote most of our attention to #1. I still feel like we are doing that alot, but now the little one can scoot and get involved. I always tried to make sure that the little one had a toy and often times let big brother pick out the one he could play with. Slowly I think my oldest's confidence level boosted.
Potty training and a 2 day a week pre-school program have really helped him to feel like a big boy. I think he is liking the independence.
It really will pass. I was fortunate. My oldest while being very very active (climbing and running and hard to keep up with) is actually very flexible when it comes to others. He is a naturally good sharer and I see in his personality that as long as he has enough love and hugs and cuddles he doesn't mind that the baby gets his share too. Not every kid is like that. Some kids feel threatened by the mere existence of a sibling, and alot of that is the personality lottery.
I totally understand what you are going through. And if you are nursing the little one it is even harder because you are glued to a stationary position 12 times a day while all this drama is unfolding around you. Hang in there. When a schedule finally emerged for the baby at 3-4 months the worst behaivor was over for us. Now at 7 months I can honestly say it is a pleasure having the two together. And I was not sure I was ever going to feel that that was possible.
Good Luck!

And I want to echo what the other mama said about counting to ten (for yourself--not for the toddler). That worked for us as well. Sometimes ignoring the behavior worked better than trying to discipline. I drew a disctinction between behavior like climbing on his toys, acting up at mealtimes or pulling the couch cushions out and hitting and throwing toys directly at mommy's face. I still gave time outs for the major infractions, but tried hard not to sweat the annoying two year old stuff.

because they're accustomed to being the only one getting the attention, and now they have to share it with someone else who is getting SO much more attention and is SO much more needy of Mom and Dad.

depending on how old your older child is, it may really be rocking their world. Ours were close in age (21 months apart), so our son didn't really have time to get accustomed to being the only one in the family. At 23 months and 3.5 years, they're best friends and great playmates.

I worry that if we have another child, personalities and almost 3 years of being the "baby" will be a hard adjustment for our daughter.

I don't know how old your oldest is but have you tried actually "showing" instead of just "explaining"? Words only go so far...they need action. Alone time with you while the baby is napping. Chances to do something they love with you without the baby "interrupting". Could your husband and you take turns staying with the new baby while the other goes out and does something of the older one's choice?

We are about to have our 4th and I am a bit concerned how the youngest will take to the new baby but I have to keep telling myself, we fostered a great love and friendship between the three we have. We will do it with this baby as well but those are some of the things we've done.

LOTS of cuddling too. I will still grab my 9 year old as he walks by and pull him to sit down with me for a few minutes. At first he used to pull away because he was "getting too old" but now he actually sits with me and puts his head on my shoulder. I put my arm around his shoulders and my head on his and we just cuddle for a few while we watch a show or something. That and just grabbing a hug whenever we can. :)

This answer is easy,Actually.
Because they aren't equal-EVER!
You see you have to look A. it from their perspective.Each individual child is born into a "DIFFERENT" family setting.The first child has only 2 parents and no siblings A. ALL! The second child born has only 1 older sibling and 2 parents and so forth.They have to each be told they are individually special and unique!Find what characters they each have that are special and play them up!Blow their self esteem out of the water!Encourage them to be the best they can be and secretly tell them they will always be your favorite first child(for acting),second child(for singing) third child (for being such a good thinker)ect.They will never be equal.A. treat time they come in line A. time of birth from youngest to oldest no exception,they'll get the hint if you stand your ground.Be firm you're the parent right?

Dear T.,
Some siblings do get jealous and it is a normal response to a new addition in the family. I don't know how old your oldest child is, but remember that all the attention was placed on him/her and now it has to be shared. Don't worry, you seem to be doing the right thing by explaining that they are both equal and that you love them the same. Have a great day.
L.

Because babies are cute and people want to come see them. Even strangers in public will peek into a stroller and make a remark. "oooh what a cute baby" No one ever looks at the older one and says "oooooh what a cute kid". The youngest always SEEMS to get everything, unless of course you are talking to the youngest and they will think the oldest gets everything.
My daughter had 3 children in college and fro Christmas I bought each one an ornament. Each ornament said I am the oldest, youngest or middle child and MOM LOVES ME BEST. I gave the appropriate ornament to each one and had them open them together. Each one lifted theirs up and said SEE!! MOM LOVES ME BEST!!! We laughed so hard, but them the youngest refused to put his on the tree, said he was bringing it back to college to prove to his friends that his mom loved him more. LOLOL so you see it doesnt end.

I wouldn't use the word equal. When you try to be completely equal and think it's "fair" - they notice when things aren't equal and it seems like a big deal. Explanations dont' really help, actions do. For an older child, no matter what their age, their world seems turned upside down when a baby arrives, their routine changes, everyday life as they knew it is now completely different. We, the adults, have been though this before and know what it's like when a new baby joins the family, the older kids haven't been through it before. They just know that things aren't the same and they didn't choose to have the baby. There might be more and better support for you with more info about your specific situation - how old are the older kids, how new is the baby, etc.