I divorced my first husband in 2001, and at the time, he had a 9-year old daughter from a previous marriage. I did not stay in contact with either him or his daughter after the divorce. No hard feelings toward each other; I just needed to move on with my life. I have since had two kids with my husband. A few weeks ago, my step-daughter from my previous marriage "friended" me on facebook. She would have had to actively search for me and sift through lots of people to find me. She is now 17 years old and will graduate from high school this year. I couldn't help but wonder why, after all these years, she took the time to find me. We had a good relationship while she was little, and I often regret not staying in touch, especially since she received little guidance from the adults in her life (one of the reasons I left the relationship). We haven't really "communicated" yet through facebook, but I can see her wallposts, pictures, etc, and she can see mine. From what she posts, she doesn't have a whole lot of direction (still) in her life and a few other common teenage issues. I was wondering if I should reach out to her in the form of a private email and see if she needs anything, or if I should leave well enough alone.
I would do exactly what you suggested. Send her a an email and let her know you have been thinking of her, how she has been, and if she needs anything. You have the gut feeling that she could use some guidance. I think you would regret it, if you didn't. Good luck!
Wow - there are some great words of wisdom on here! This could end up being one incredible story for you, hope you don't pass it by!
I was adopted at a young age and have suffered the loss of some very important people in my life. So it is probably due to this that I tell you to reach out to her. You don't even need to see if she needs anything. However, a personal email will go a long way! You will never regret contacting her, but you will regret it if you don't! Good luck!
How does your husband feel about it? Connecting with her can mean reconnecting with your ex, which could be neutral or bad. Will it drum up bad feelings?
People need positive influences in their lives, so if you can be a good mentor, great. If not, don't feel guilty. You did not put her in her position.
I guess in your place I would have to wonder, what happens if you offer to help and she says she needs it? That would be the important thing. If you plan on helping her then I don't see why you can't offer her any support she might need. If you feel odd about giving her help then I would not offer. It can't hurt to say hi once in a while though.
Reach out to her. Respond to her posts, without being "parental" about them. Send her messages if you feel it appropriate.
She may have looked you up because she remembers something special about you. Maybe she feels like your someone she'd like to associate with. Maybe she's looking for an adult role model. Be a good example in your posts. You might just be there when she needs help/advice/support/love!
I have lots of friends on facebook that I haven't seen since highschool (15 years). Some of them I chat regularly and have even gotten back together with a few. Others, I just see their posts with an occaisional comment here and there. For now, follow her lead. It doesn't hurt anything to be her friend.
D.,
How can it possibly hurt to be her friend, particulary since you were her parent for a time and since she, by your observation, probably needs some direction? The fact that she has sought you out suggests that she wants the relationship. Go for it! You might do some good!
A girl this age can't have too many positive women to speak into her life. The two of you once had a good relationship, she probably sees you as someone she trusts. I'm not sure you need to offer her help so much as perhaps just be someone she knows is in her corner. At her age, I would have given much to have a trusted adult woman that spoke some positive things to me and that I knew was on my side. Clearly you shouldn't give more than you're comfortable with, but it might help her just knowing you're there! Good luck!
I say if you care about the young lady you should send her a private message. Maybe something casual to begin with. I feel if she took the time to look you up she needs more than just a number on her friends total and she may be to shy to initiate anything more than a friend request. Wouldn't hurt to make the first move. Good luck and what a blessing you must have been to her for her to remember you like that.
She took the first step by "befriending" you. I would suggest sending a message letting her know how surprised and excited you are that she found you. Ask what she is up to and how she is doing. Take an interest in her, but don't be too nosy (teenagers). Just let her realize that you are there and interested in her life. Make sure that if she responds that you aren't judgmental or offering unsolicited advice. I wouldn't jump the gun and offer to meet with her unless she asks, or your friendship grows to the point where that seems appropriate. Many people make contact on facebook because of the distance of it, so don't push too hard, and you might be able to help guide her from afar if she needs it.
reading your story gave me the chills. it is very moving to see that she took the time and effort to find you. im impressed that a teenager would go that distance unless she needed something. like a friend to talk to or some guidance. my opinion only but i think you sould talk and be honest with your husband and see how he feels. hopefully he will be cool about it. talk to her. you dont need to hang out but find out how she is. find out where shes at in her life and if she needs any advise? she whats going on in her life. theres a reason she contacted you. you should take the time and find out. thank you for reading my sappyness. i love kids and they are innocent in the lives they lead(to a point). hope that you do write her.!!! D.
I think if a 17 yr old took the time and the effort to find you then she needs you, but is probably now afraid to push or ask. Take it as slow as she needs to, but please do try and be there for her. So many kids are lost today that anything we can do to reach out is a good thing.
I'd say for now, just chat w/her like you would any other teenager. Yes, you had a connection & it's great that she went to the trouble to find you, but maybe she just wants to see where life took you & what's going on with you now. You can email her & tell her you're so happy she found you, you regret not staying in touch, but as for seeing if she needs anything, at the very least wait on that. The response you get might not be what you want to hear "where were you all those years when I needed you & now that I'm almost an adult you come back". It could be that she would love to be a part of your life, but since it's been so many years there might be some hurt feelings on her part.
So happy you two found each other, hopefully this leads to a new relationship between the two of you.
Hi D.
Maybe you were a greater influence in her life than you thought you were. Could you be that guidance she is looking for? Obviously you know better than me, so this could all be a hook back into the drama or maybe she is reaching out to you and it is an opportunity to make a difference in her life.
Proceed cautiously and be open about it with your family. Otherwise, I might think about it not being suspicious and view it as an opportunity to make something positive out of something that was negative in your life.
Take it slowly. If it were me, I'd be friendly but not intrusive. "How are you doing?" is a good start. Perhaps you were a part of her life that she remembers with some fondness, and she thinks maybe she wants to know more. At seventeen, this is a common sort of feeling. I think I'd keep up with her posts and say hello once in a while. If I saw things in her posts that I liked, I might make favorable comments. If she responds to these, there are way to post private messages on FB. This girl is almost eighteen, almost on her own; she may find out - if she doesn't already realize - that she would benefit from having an older (relatively older!), wiser woman as a friend.
Hi D.,
I would suggest sending an email to her and in it tell her that if she needs you, to talk to, to get advice from that all she has to do is ask and that you would be happy to help her. Then see what happens. I wouldn't offer any specific advice, just an offer to be there if she needs you.
Good Luck,
D.
If it were me I think I would reach out and make some contact with her to at least let her know you are still on good terms with her and willing and able to help her with problems she may have. Maybe a lunch date would be fun.The only problem I can see is that you don't want to overstep your bounds. Work your way back into her life slowly and let her determine the pace at which you go. This sounds pretty exciting. Good luck! P.
I would agree with most here - absolutely contact her. I have a stepdaughter who's 17, and girls that age definitely need all the positive interaction/role models they can get! You must have played a role in her life that was meaningful.
However, I wouldn't read too much into it until you contact her. I have contacted people from my past not because I needed/wanted something from them, but just because it was fun to hear what happened to them. Kids especially tend to have hundreds of "friends" on facebook, so she might just want to say hi.
Either way, you have nothing to lose by asking. And contacting her doesn't mean you contact the ex. Those relationships can be and should be 2 different relationships at her age.
If she took the time to find you and communicate, what's the harm? Is she asking for your help, or does she just want to keep SOME small contact? I wouldn't go overboard trying to "fix" her, but keeping the lines open shouldn't hurt. Try to stay on a "friends" basis on FB and just watch, maybe adding a comment or two as you deem appropriate. Messaging on facebook isn't a commitment on your part. She may just have fond memories of you from her childhood.
I would absolutely contact her privately. You played a significant role in her life and could make a difference in choices that she makes or at the very least offer an example of a stable family and marriage.
