What Would You Do? - Long Beach,CA

I wouldn't fault someone who made their spouse there priority.

You can let her know you miss her. I think you should try to understand the awkward position she is in.

For what it is worth...I have a very similar situation. I understand though the hierarchy of relationships and a spouse comes before a stepdaughter.

She is in the middle, you seem to want to make her choose you, do you really think that is fair? Would you choose her over your husband?

I would probably reach out to her, but I would make it more about how you miss seeing and talking to her. I would let her know that you understand how hard it must be to be stuck in the middle (she probably feels like she has to choose sides, which sucks.)
I wouldn't say anything about her making "no effort" to see you or the kids, that just sounds accusatory and after all you could make an effort yourself, right? Call her up and say you'd like to bring the kids up to see her, maybe meet at the park or mall if it's too hard to go to your dad's house, offer to take her to lunch.

You are expecting your stepmom to take your side. Please, if you value the relationship, do not put her in that position. She married him, she did not marry you. While it would be nice to have her support, you chose to cut your dad off.

She is not calling or visiting because she is being respectful and following your cues, the ones you have made clear to one and all.

You seem to have a lot of posts about other people's actions and how you interpret them. You don't seem settled or happy in any of your relationships. Maybe some counseling might be helpful so that you can find your own path and see what parts of your life *you* want to work on. We really have to let go of our expectations of others to validate us or make us feel contented, happy or secure.

And your question at the end-- what would I do? Sit and wait. You made your bed with your dad, you have to lie in it for a while. Telling her "about how she has made no effort to have a relationship with us" would be manipulative and cruel. She owes you nothing. You put your 'being right' in front of your relationships, and put her into a situation I'm certain most people would rather not be in. She's supposed to reach out to you and come see you because you won't see your dad and you think you are 'right'?, so he can know he's wrong? It leaves one a bit incredulous. You really need to look at your own behavior and what you expect of people, because even in my long-term relationship with my stepmom (over 31 years), I would never expect her to throw my dad under the bus during a dispute and come take care of my feelings. I respect them both --and their marriage--*way too much* to expect that of her. Start with you, first.

ETA: lest one feels I do not have compassion or empathy for the situation, I have been estranged from my own mother since 2001. No contact. I did not expect my sibs or grandmother to 'take my side', nor have I ever contacted them with any expectations in that regard. It would put them in a terrible position. They have come to their own conclusions in regard to her; I had to just sit with my decision to go no-contact and own it and not put them in the middle. It's hard to lose people in one's life, but if it means peace, then you accept that there is sometimes a price we pay for that, especially in a dysfunctional family. I've walked this path for 15 years now. I've let go of a lot of unrealistic expectations of people. It's made the relationships I do have with other family members so much better.

have you communicated with her at all? maybe she doesn't realize that you want to maintain a relationship with her. she may well simply be respecting what she perceives as your wish to keep the same distance from her as you do with your dad.
i would call her. not to guilt-trip her, or to try put your spin on why she's doing it (how do you know that she's trying to show your dad that is behavior is acceptable? she has said outright to your brother that she knows he's a jerk.)
if she says she's maintaining her position out of respect for her husband, well, that's her right. but you're making a lot of assumptions based on what other people have said and from your own (natural) place of resentment about your dad.
yes, say something to her. yes, be honest with her about YOUR feelings of missing her. no, do not make it about her lack of 'effort' as you perceive it to keep up with you. if you care for this woman, give her the benefit of the doubt. why jump right to the worst case scenario without even talking to her?
khairete
S.

I think you should just reach out to her and let her know that you and your family miss her and would love to maintain a relationship, but that you understand if she can't do that. It sounds like your father has either explicitly said or implicitly communicated that she has to choose sides and that he would see her continuing a normal relationship with you as choosing your side and a betrayal to him. If that's the case - and from what you've described it sounds like that's a likely scenario - you need to respect that she is in a very difficult position and welcome her back with open arms whenever this resolves itself.

I know what it's like to be in her shoes. Several years ago, when my husband and I were still together, he felt that his brother betrayed him in an unforgivable way. I certainly understood why my husband felt that way as his brother was secretly dating and later married my husband's first serious girlfriend, whom he had dated for more than 3 years and who broke his heart, and why he felt that family members who knew before he did - which was all of them - had betrayed him as well by keeping the secret. That said, we are not the "cutting off family" type and had to maintain relationships (with minimal contact) as best as we could during this time. I had to promise him that if we had to go to family function with this couple, that I would ignore them and that I wouldn't return my BIL's e-mails or interact with his girlfriend/wife. He knew that he wouldn't win this fight, but he needed at least one person in his corner and that person was me. Your father may feel the same way. In a contest between an adult step-daughter and a spouse, if you dad is making her choose, his wife is going to choose her spouse to keep the peace.

Have you told her how you feel? Have you given her an opportunity to explain why she does this? If not, you don't know why she doesn't visit you.

I suggest that when you distanced yourself from your Dad you also distanced yourself from her. You've assumed her actions show she doesn't care about you. I doubt that is true. Consider that this situation is also painful to her. She may think you don't want contact. She may be trying to protect herself just as you are doing.

I suggest open conversations between the two of you will clear this up. Tell her you miss her. Siggest getting together. Invite her to visit you or to meet in an impersonal place. I urge you to take the first step to understanding the situation.

I know it's extremely difficult to be with someone you feel doesn't respect you. I'm talking about your relationship with your father.Stepping away is a start in learning how to protect yourself. Staying away from non-family members is smart. However you have a deep emotional connection with your father. If you didn't you wouldn't have to protect yourself. I urge you to get professional help to learn skills that would enable you to be less emotionally involved. I suggest your deep antipathy to him is an indication you need to learn boundaries. To realize the reason you aren't able to even be in his house to visit your stepmother or to talk with her is related to your own insecurities. You are allowing him to control how you feel and what you do. I suggest, with professional help, you'll learn that you are responsible for your own happiness. Once you understand and act on that you will feel more confident not only with him but also with other people in your life. You are right. Keeping him away is a defensive move. There are other more successful ways to protect yourself that include making what he says and does less important to you.

I learned this while I grappled with my relationship with my father. I could not change him. I could change how I felt about him. Unfortunately, I was only able to let completely let go of my anger when he was seriously I'll and we were unable to build a better relationship. Then I realized he had his own demons. He had done the best he could and loved me. He wasn't able to show his love in a way that I could accept. I missed so much.

I wouldn't word it that way! Just tell her you miss her and leave it at that.

When you say you have distanced yourself from your father, have you made it clear to her that it is only your father you want distance from? By that I mean, have you reached out to her personally? If not, it might not be entirely clear to her that you want to continue a relationship with her.

Maybe you could invite her to lunch sometime or invite her to something with the kids. She's in a very difficult position, so if you are not specifically reaching out to her, she may hesitant to reach out to you.

I think maybe the older you get, the less drama you want. She has to see your dad every day and if he was a jerk to you, maybe he can be a jerk to her. She just doesn't want to hear it so to make her life easier, she's had to stay away too.

I don't talk to anyone in my husbands family anymore although I do care for a couple of them. But most are toxic and not worth the drama that spreads around them. We have blocked all of them on facebook so they can't get any info about what we are doing. They have NO access to us at all.

We also go to church with my husbands best friend and his wife. His sister lives with them and goes to church also. Their household is chaotic and filled with drama...daily!!! So my husband would hear from his best friend, I would hear about it from the wife and the sister. Finally, I told the sister I was tired of being in the middle. None of them are making an effort to stop the drama and all of us are sick of hearing about it. So the sister is practically thinking of leaving the church to distance herself from us who know all of them. God forbid one of them moves out...that where the problem is. But they don't see it. So WE have to decide how much of THEIR drama we can handle. Now we tell them every time they say something that they need to do something instead of just complain about it.

But it gets old frankly. So I'm sure she just doesn't want to hear about it anymore so she's choosing to stay away. I would not contact her unless you are willing to work it out with your dad. And about that....life is too short to spend it being unhappy. My mom is not the best either and I'm an only child and she is my only living relative left. She's 15 min from me. We only see her now on holidays, bdays and random quick visits. The easy thing is to just walk away and not see her anymore. But she is my kids only grandparent and they love her. So we make an effort but it's a VERY short visit. But it's better than nothing. So maybe you can work it out enough with your dad to be civil for everyone's sake. If not, then you have to accept the fact that there are consequences with our choices and maybe losing your step mom is one of them. Good luck.

What I would do is call her and just say, "I miss you." Short and sweet.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would not mention that anything to your dad's wife. It puts her in a
a very difficult place. Instead I would reach out to her by phone or note saying that your miss seeing her
and miss her company hoping all is well. And, I would try to put feelers out to your dad at the same time since
you're reaching out to his wife. Call him and leave a message if he doesn't answer. The meage can be something likd this "Dad, I know we don't see eye to eye on things but you're my dad and I love and miss you. While I feel
you are sticking to your ways, I don't feel any amount of stubborness or our different personalitites should keep
us from speaking to each other. You feel your way, I'll feel my way but I would like some sort of embelance
of a relationship with you as you are my dad. We don't have to feel the same way about things, agree on things as
we are different people but we are father and daughter and I believe we should be able to to put aside any
indifferences to have a basic, common core relationship. Call me if you want. If you don't, I'll take that
to mean you have no desire to.....ever. And that's fine, too. The ball is in your court."

Have you spoken with her to specifically state that you would like to see her and that you miss her? To invite her to come see you? If not, then this might be the crux of the problem.

Now it could also be that your stepmom is intentionally staying away in order to keep peace with her husband. In general, if she must choose a side she should probably choose his unless she wants to divorce.

Don't force her to choose to accommodate your choice. You might have to forgive your dad and get over whatever happened so that you can have a relationship with her. There is no way you can "win" this and get everything you want. Something will be lost to you in all scenarios.

They are a packaged deal! She may agree with you, but she is with your dad. I would leave her out completely. You need to work to repair your relationship with your dad and then you get her back, too.

hard to answer without having heard your lifes story. i, for example, havent spoken to any of my family in almost three...possibly four, i dont remember...years because its easier to say goodbye to the two or three good ones than put up with the horde of bad ones. for you it may be different, and it took years and years for them to push me into that. i dont know your past so it is hard to answer your question. you are the only one who can decide if they are worth your forgiveness and if they should be part of your life. you may not like it, but if you want her in your life you may have to swallow your pride and appologize to your dad.

I would understand that she's the one who has to live with your dad day in and day out and I would respect the fact that she is prioritizing her marriage. You know she cares for you. If she has a cell phone, just shoot her an occasional text to keep the relationship between the two of you solid.

Also, I don't know what transpired between you and your father, but I assume your father is not a spring chicken. Consider if whatever happened is more important than having your dad in your life during what could and probably is the last years of his life. Really think about how you would feel if he passed today, and conduct yourself accordingly. There is nothing worse than a lifetime of regret.

It probably won't matter if you say anything to her, though it will probably hurt you when you see that she doesn't change her mind.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think that your father's mother is a jerk, too. It doesn't matter that she agrees that he is a jerk.