Bedtime Routines

Hi J.... Are the boys disruptive when they are in the same bed? If not, maybe they just need that comfort. My older two boys have slept in the same bed on and off over the years. Particularly after changes like when we've moved. Maybe its ok for now to allow them this comfort. Good Luck.

In a time like this give them time. As they are unsure what is going on and why daddy isn't there anymore. Try to explain to them that daddy is still going to be in their life. This is a really hard one. Try reading bedtime stories to them that could relate with what is going on right now in their life. They need a certain amount of comfort and right now in this hardship on a child it's really tough for them. Try not to break up daily routines that they are used to. Keep your head up and don't lose patience. God bless you and stay strong as they will need a strong role model right now.

When my parents separated my brother had terrible nightmare for months. He would wake up sobbing and afraid that my mum was going to leave him. My parents however did get back together and so that helped somewhat after that.

I have found that even if there is nothing stressful going on children need bedtime to be a refuge for them. Its a pleasant time together with their parent that no matter what has gone on during the day. Bedtime routines should make everything feel better again.

Your children may need extra stories, snuggles and songs to feel secure because children cannot sleep when they are anxious.

Finding ways to minimize stress during the day will also help. Make sure they see as little of the adult stress (mainly anger, harsh words etc) as possible and they will find comfort in their new routine. This doesn't mean extra treats or no discipline but it means more snuggles, more playing with mummy, more of your time if you can.

I was told by therapist that even 10 minutes of extra one on one play with a child everyday can make the difference in transitions. The kind of play you need to do though is child led play. This is where the child controls everything that happens in just those few minutes and you just go ahead and play too with them deciding what happens. You have to do one son at a time though. It has really helped my oldest son when my husband wasn't around because of work and school. I know the situation is different but he was acting out violently and it was terrible.

Good luck

If everyone is happy i don't see a problem with it.

Some ideas, if it really isn't working out, would be sleeping bags on the floor. that way each has his own space but they are still together. I would definately use this if they were both in your bed with you and it wasn't working, just put them on your floor.
Or putting the boys two beds in one room.
Let them fall asleep together then move them before you go to bed.
spend an extra half hour at bed time all snuggling together then when time is up put them each in their own rooms.

I'm sure this separation is deeply deeply affecting them and they just need the comfort and security. Give them as many coping mechanisms like this that you can and i'm sure they'll be fine.

I'm not clear, either, on whether it's the boys in one of their beds or in yours, but if they're little enough you could try lying in one of their beds with them while they get to sleep. You could alternate beds or be on the floor near them. The trick, though, is not to fall asleep yourself and then wake up groggy at 11 p.m. and lose out on your precious evening hours. During a tough stage when my daughter was about 5 I did this and was gradually able to leave the bed before she fell asleep and eventually just tuck her in and say goodnight. I hope everything starts getting easier for you!

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How old are they? I would just let them re-acclimate and get accustomed to the changes, and then work on the sleeping arrangement! Maybe they just need some extra security right now, and sleeping with you or together helps! Wait a little while, and then use a reward system when they are ready, like stickers or something. Good luck!

I would not worry too much right now. Especially if this started after the separation. They really might need each other.

My older 2 and my younger 2 share double beds. They love it, i have bunks packed away waiting...but they would rather have the company. My husbands family grew up sharing beds. If the kids don't mind, i think it is fine. Plenty of nights i go in and all four have fallen asleep together...it is funny :-)

This is a tough time for them, as well as for you. Are they sleeping together, or are they sleeping with you ? I wouldn't really worry about either situation too much. They just need some extra closeness . . .If they are sleeping in bed with each other, then you get to sleep . . . (if you are at a point where sleep is happening) If they are sleeping with you ? Well, I would try to get them into their own beds when they go to sleep, but expect they will show up sometime later during the night. By starting them in their own beds, they practice sleeping alone, and at some point they will begin to sleep thru the night, too, and stop jumping ship for your bed.

If they are sleeping together -- just make a game of it. Who is sleeping where tonight ? I wouldn't make a big deal of it, or worry about it. At some point they'll want more space and will kick each other out. In the meantime, sleeping together is probably giving them some comfort in a world that needs some.

Hi J.,
Since you & your husband were together for 8 years, I am assuming your sons are still relatively small (4-7 years?). Are their beds in the same room and they are sleeping together in O. of them? If so, and they ARE sleeping, I would let them go. Even if they have separate rooms and sleep in O. of them at night. Maybe they just feel safer, more secure, whatever with their sibling near them.

If they are both sleeping in YOUR bed, I would think the reasoning is the same and they just want to be with you. In that case, I'd let it go for a brief time and then I would start carrying them back to their beds after they are asleep. Maybe play music for them in their room(s) at night? Cool nite light? Make it a gradual transition. Good luck & God bless!

Hi J.,

Your sons are experiencing grief over the loss of their father.

You can't patch things up with him?

Help the children deal with grief and loss by getting help for you all. Divorce is so traumatic for children. Come to my alternative school and you will understand their grief.

Good luck. D.

they are probably upset over the fact that you and your husband have seperated. If they are sleeping together it is because they are scared and unsure of what is going on.Even if you tell them it is not their fault they may feel guiltly or sad because you are not with your husband. eventually they will go back in their beds. If things get really bad you could go with them to family counseling. I tell you this because my Mom and Dad seperated when i was nine and my brother was seven years old. I remember how i felt when this happened. If you feel that it is better for you both not to be together and better for the boys than to have you both together unhappy and fighting. good luck.