Bedtime Problems with 4-Year-old

Hi J.,

Bedtimes can be really tough...my youngest cried every single night until he was 3 if I did not stand right there with him, then we moved to a new place where he had to share a room with his brother and I told him, "Look, you need to not cry at night before you go to sleep because it will really upset your brother". He replied, "Okay". And that was that! The little monster! I realized at that point, that I needed to think a bit differently about my little guys, that they were capable of manipulating me, and that boundaries were going to be really important...so I had to start taking the long view.

So, your little girl is not going to stop crying right away, and a long discussion won't do it either, she will just be more upset if you talk and talk.

She has a long standing pattern in place that is working really, really well. She wants to control having attention, and crying, saying she is scared, etc. all work. But really, I would think carefully about what this pattern means (for her and for your family) in 2 years, in 4 and even more when she is 16. If she can control her parents so easily now (and as hard as it may be to think about it that way right now, she is controlling your behavior), what kind of teenager will she be?

I would encourage you to use this time to help her learn, a)that there is nothing to be afraid of, and b) that Mommy and Daddy are going to keep her safe, and that she can trust that they will help her by SETTING BOUNDARIES. One of them can be bedtime.

"I know that you don't want us to leave, and that you say that you are scared, but it is time for bed. Mommie and Daddie are keeping you safe, and you need to go to sleep so that you grow up strong and healthy. Good night, we love you, and we will see you in the morning." Then leave, having made sure that she is safe before you leave the room.

Let her cry. If she gets hysterical, then you KNOW that she is trying to control you. DON'T give in. To help yourselves, I suggest setting a timer. Not for her. For you. Set if for 5 minutes and do NOT go back to her during that time unless you hear a loud crash. It may seem like infinity, but let the time pass...Let her bounce off the walls (believe me, if she has done this for a while, she has been "taught" that if she is not getting attention, she needs to crank up the volume...and she is likely to do just that). If she is still having a temper tantrum (and this kind of behavior falls into that spectrum) and you are unable to wait any longer because you afraid she might not be safe (and that is different by the way than you are upset that she is crying)...Ideally have Dad go in at that point and check to be sure she is safe (not you, because at least in part, she is doing this to YOU...Dad will have a little more distance and less emotionality. If you go in and fuss around her, trying to calm her down, the message you are actually sending through your own emotions is..."Oh my gosh, see how upset Mommy is there must be something to be afraid of.".) So from the from the doorway if at all possible have Dad confirm that she is okay (by the way, he is doing this for you not your daughter. If you have a safe bedroom, Dad is right, you could just let her cry herself to sleep and be over this even faster).

Do not give her additional reward for her behavior (attention=reward). Do not tuck her in, hug her, hold her, etc. That will only perpetuate the problem and reinforce her crying. Have Dad calmly and firmly speak to her and let her know, "I know that you don't like this but you need to calm yourself down. You are safe. Mommy and Daddy are keeping you safe, but now it is time for sleeping. Goodnight, stop making yourself feel bad by crying and yelling, and go to sleep. In the morning we will have a great new day."

Repeat...if you have to set the timer again, set it for 10 min, then 15...add 5 minutes each time you go back. No need to raise voices, etc. You are only checking to be sure she is safe. Typically they will cry themselves to sleep pretty quickly if they are not getting rewarded with attention...it gets boring.

Does that sound really tough? I know. But excellent parenting is about being the adult, setting firm boundaries, and enforcing them so that children learn how to behave within boundaries. Then gradually expand them as the years go by. When you see boundary setting as the thing you are giving your children that will be a gift forever, having them cry for a little while because they don't like the boundary doesn't seem so mean.

Once going to bed at the end of the day is routine (and it will be quickly if you and your husband stick to this pattern). I would recommend putting an end to the making a bed in your room behavior as well. Again, help her to see that she is safe, by putting her back in her own bed and letting her know that she can sleep there and be safe. Obviously, there are times when children do have real fears, when there is a bad storm, etc. but regularly sleeping in your bed or in your room is again a pattern she has gotten into. It will be easier to resolve once bedtime is routine and she realizes you are serious about being safe in bed.

I will be thinking of you, hope you do this! It really works. How would I know? Mother of two beautiful young men...who all made it through the night, and a developmental psychologist...I have been through this with probably 100 other families. All doing well, and no problems. She sounds like a normal, bright 4 year old...do you remember when you did not want the day to end?

Ok, it sounds like possibly she is concerned about family stability but does not know how to express it. It may be a little bit of physco babble at this point, but do you suppose that she has heard about divorce for possibly the first time recently, and then daddy has been gone more than normal, and she is worried (even if she does not realize it) about if her parents are going to get a divore. It does not mean that you are not perfectly happy and stable in your marriage, nor that she does not know that, but she is not old enough to put the peices together for why people get divorced. In her world, she may have always seen aunt and uncle when they are being happy, or at least civil, so divorce to her is just something that happens. That said, she is also probably very aware that she can manipulate a situation too, so I would not feed too much into anything. Honestly for now, I say let her sleep on your floor when she needs to, she may just need the closeness and reassurance. It sounds like you have done lots to help her with the fears, but one thing my girls like is something that is their dads. They feel very strongly that monsters, or any other bad things are afraid of their daddy, so when he is not here to protect them, we taught them that they could have a picture of daddy by the bed, and a shirt of his, or anything that they wanted so that the offender would think that it can see and smell their dad, so it wont come in. He works overnights, so I really think that they just miss him, and this is their way of letting us know that, so the picture and clothing helps. I know that many people will say be strict and firm and stick to your guns about bed time, but I know that when I lay down is when I can finally think abou things so why would I not assume that my girls do too. Be there for her, within reason, and you will always have a child that knows she can trust you. Sorry if this is long, and a bit scattered, 4 kids has caused a little brain cell damage for sure!! Good luck ~A.~

We've started having the same problems with our 2 1/2 year old. She's never had bedtime problems until 2 weeks ago. One of my favorite books is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weisbluth and he addresses this issue with older kids and gives really good suggestions on what to do. Its really helped us have a plan while we're working through these issues. his suggestions seem to be working really well. It might be worth picking one up or reading through the chapter in the book store! And just a suggestion, while you're working through these issues, you might want to put the 1 year old in a pack n play in your bedroom and use a sound machine so you don't have the added stress of 2 kids waking up.

J. - I think you hit the nail on the head with the timing with your little one being affected by what was going on at the cousins' house. Sounds like she feels insecure - we have had great success with having "couch time" - where the child sees mom and dad sitting together on the couch visiting with each other for just a few minutes - without the child involved, but where she knows it's going on - builds such a sense of security in her. Almost every situation we have heard of where a child is having sleep issues, if they tried this, it worked. It's worth a shot - try it every day (or as often as possible) - until she is sleeping through the night again - I bet it won't even take a couple of days to help her feel that sense of security again. And then keep doing it a couple of days a week just to remind her that things are OK at home, even when life is crazy busy.
Blessings!!! S.