Bedroom Rules

I would ask him why this is a big issue to him. Is it because he views the bedroom as a special place for just the two of you? Was he raised to never be allowed in his parents room? Is there somewhere else the boys can hang out to watch TV? I think it's perfectly acceptable for them to be hanging out with you while you are in there, talking, etc. - and it's wonderful they want to hang out with mom still. I don't think it should be a place for them to hang out when you're not around though.

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Tell him that he must respect that you have always held your bedroom as a safe zone for your children to enter, feel comfortable, and be able to talk with you. You have compromised by being sure he has his man room all to himself, he needs to compromise and understand that this is part of the way you parent, and it is not going to change because it could affect not only how they see him, but the closeness and openness you have established with your sons. If he wants to be angry about it he can go to his man room and pout.

I would tell dear Husband to lighten up!! These boys are your flesh and blood. If they want to come and talk to me and sit or watch tv with me , they can. I went through this also with my husband. We have always sat and talked in my room, even the dog comes in and is beside me. I told him this was something I have always done with my children and it does not stop because you are here. I am very close to my kids , he eventually did lighten up. Your husband is in a blended family so maybe you should explain to him what this means. I had to explain it to mine. We have a son together and I said to him "you know how you love your son so much and love to have him around you?" he said yaaaaaaaaa. Well that s how I feel about ALL my kids. They are allowed anywhere I am because they love me and want to be around me, I feel that way about eveyone in this family. He understood things a little better after that.

I agree with a lot of other responders--your husband is acting like kind of a jerk.
This would be a deal breaker for me. He's acting like a baby.

You husband should be proud of you for raising children who WANT to communicate with you. I feel like open communication with children and spouses is vital in maintaining relationships. If you have 18 and 12 yr old sons who do share this special time with you, you have done something right, mom. Cherish this tradition with your sons.

Maybe hubby feels some sort of jealousy or resentment because he didn't have closeness with his mom or children. I could partly understand if hubby was coming in to shower and go to bed but not when he comes home and goes to another room.

Good luck.

Wow.
No offense, but your husband is being a jerk.
I'm in bluntly honest mode today.
With my kids, mommy's room was the center of the house. Always.
My kids never co-slept or anything unless they were sick and needed to be right by me, but still....everybody on mommy's bed or in her room.
My husband was no fun at all. In fact, he was mad and yelling most of the time.
We had what my daughter called "Happy Hour" every night in my room before bed time because dad was always in such a crappy mood.
I don't know....
My kids were always so good because if I was really sick, they were so easy. They would stay right on my bed with me and watch a movie or something so I could rest.
My son is 14 and he still loves my bed. In fact, he says I can't get rid of it, ever, and if I do, he wants me to give it to him when he's grown up.

I don't understand why your husband gets so ticked.
I mean, 18 and 12 and still co-sleeping or something I could see him not liking, but your kids being in your room? In general?

I would tell him to make sure there's a bed in his "man room" if this is how he's going to act.
I honestly don't know a single person that was never to be allowed in their parents bedroom. Especially when there is another parent in there.

I hope you get some good advice, but I'd come right out and ask him...
"Seriously...what is your problem?"

I would say, "hun this is my time with the boys. Sooner more than later they will be out of the house and this time will be gone forever. This is when we talk and hang out, if you were going to sleep or shower I'd get it but your not" Then I'd just ask him, what's up? If he is still a problem then hubby has some serious issues and you need to get him to a counselor quickly before he alienates you from your boys or you from him.

As a Marriage Therapist, I get a bit concerned by the assumptions that your husband is a jerk. I agree with Susie P. that having a calm, non-defensive conversation with your husband about his feelings would be a good place to start. You say "no one understands the bedroom rule". Who is included in that no one? How did you make a decision about the "manroom"? Did the two of you talk about it and reach agreement, or was it a unilateral decision? How the two of you respect each other's viewpoint and reach mutually agreeable decisions will predict the success of your relationship. It might be helpful to take a step back, breathe, and really listen to your husband's view. Agreeing with him isn't necessary but hearing him is.

You need to sit your husband down & explain to him how awesome it is that your sons, at their age, WANT to come spend time with their parents. In our hurry scurry lifestyles these days, these down times are rare & for teenagers & preteens to want to be with parents to talk or hang out is priceless. He should understand that this is a tradition yall have & that you want him to be a part of it but want him to realize how important it is to the 3 of you.

I have a 12 year old son (youngest of 5) and part of our night time routine, is he comes in our room to watch an episode of something on Hulu. We've watched Adam 12, Leave it to Beaver, Lost in Space and Time Tunnel to name a few. He loves those shows & loves the time with us. It winds him down & signals to him it's time for quiet as we are about to go to sleep. He has Aspbergers Syndrome so this helps him.

I wish you all the best in dealing with a blended family, but talk to your husband. Make sure he's been fed (we know men hear better with full stomachs) and rested & that it's not confrontational but speaking from your heart.

Can you guys move this family time to the family room? Seems like that would solve the problem.

That's ridiculous!!! Sounds like he is jealous and territorial - not a good combo. Your children should not irritate him just by being in YOUR room. He needs to get over it or you two will have problems. You're lucky you're teenage sons want to hang out and talk. Would he have a problem if it were two daughters hanging out in your bedroom and talking/watching tv? Is he that insecure? How is the relationship with his kids? Does he feel like you are excluding them?

He's being a jerk, plain and simple.

HOWEVER, that being said you are married to him and it's not worth divorcing over one issue. Marriage is about compromise...even when the other person is being unreasonable.

If I were you I'd set times for the boys to be in there when he's not around. It's not worth provoking. If you know he's coming home from work then the boys should clear out before he gets home.

Perhaps he just feels like the bedroom is HIS space to share with you? I don't mind my stepdaughter in my bedroom but she does have a habit of picking up my things and looking at them, moving them around and she even spilled pop all over one of my books. It's kind of annoying to have her in MY space (although I don't have a woman-cave of my own either!) and while I would never make a huge stink about it or order her to leave I can understand his feelings. I would feel this way if it were my bio child as well.

I'm not saying he's right, I'm just suggesting compromise. Limiting your boys in the bedroom time to when your husband isn't home is a small price to pay to keep the peace. Just so long as you don't keep compromising everything else...if that's the case then maybe it's time to kick him to the curb!

I think that what you need to tell him is that you are spending time with your boys and he needs to clear out. It's hard enough to have a blended family without people being nasty over nothing. I guess the sarcastic girl I was raised to be would say "honey, the way you are acting is unattractive. Are you afraid I would cheat on you with my own sons... because lately I am a little tempted, they look fantastic compared to your bad attitude!"

If you haven't already, explain to him that this is somewhat of a "tradition" with you and your boys. He wouldn't object or try to change other traditions you have, so maybe wording it in that way will make it sound more important. I think it is VERY important to have that special time with your boys. As you probably already know, you only have a limited amount of time with your kids before they are leaving home. Cherish these times and don't shoo them out until your husband is actually going to bed. Or, find another room to hang out in. Your boys may not remember the awesome vacation you took 5 years ago, or the wonderful Christmas present they received 10 years ago, but they very well may remember VERY fondly the times you spent watching tv together and hanging out in Mom's room. Could it be a jealousy thing? If so, he needs to understand that you and your boys did this before he was around, so it should be something you are allowed to stick with. Good luck!

Personally, I let our daughter sleep with us until she was ready to go to her room on her own. She is allowed anywhere in our home anytime and can talk to my husband or me anytime.

Have you ever thought of having talks with the kids in their rooms? Set aside time for it?

I don't know what happened to your children's biological dad but I am sure it was upsetting to them to lose him. Obviously you have done a wonderful job in raising them if they want to talk and spend time with you, their mom. It is so important to keep those lines of communication open and it doesn't matter where it is as long as they feel comfortable in talking to you. You will have to talk to your husband about your relationship with the kids and explain why it is important. He may need to be educated on the importance of communication with children, never mind spouses! You are blessed to have happy, healthy, well adjusted children. You have done a great job as a mom and most likely a single mom. I hope your husband can be well adjusted as well.....I am sure this is all difficult for him and he does sound jealous. I hope there was conversation about the children in your life BEFORE you got married. You definately need to talk with your husband and be calm, cool and intellegent on the topic when it happens. Maybe a special dinner with the two of you will set a positive tone for this topic. He will fill you are focused on him. Good luck. Keep us posted.

I can understand where he is coming from to an extent. He probably considers it a place for the two of you only. Our children are very rarely in our bedroom because it is a place for the two of to retreat, spend time together and be intimate. I think that if that is they way he feels maybe there is a more public space that you could spend time with your boys talking and watching tv.

First, I would never tolerate a room in my own house where I wasn't welcome. Man cave? Not in my lifetime.

Second, it's your room, too. It sounds like either he doesn't have kids or they are grown. Unfortunately, you kids aren't and yu are lucky that they want to spend time with you and seem to talk openly with you. You need to let you hubby know that if he wants to go to bed or take a shower, he can politely ask them to leave, but otherwise, it's your room, too, and your children can spend time with you in your room.

Everyone is banned from his 'man cave', now he wants the kids banned from your room...what's next banning them from the family room?

Seems to me hubby is wanting you to choose between your sons & him. Seems as though your sons remind him of the other man, probably in their appearance & seeing them in the bedroom is putting him off. I would call him on it & let him know that he doesn't have the right to put you in that position. You were & still are a packaged deal and that there has been no misrepresentation on your part. Does he wish to continue making you choose? Course, if he says yes, then you must choose. Really not fair to either party letting it continue as is since resentment is just building. Just My Opinion.

he sounds so stubborn! I understand that when he is in there your children should not be, it is his attitude that stinks. Why don't the kids hang out and watch tv in the living/family room? We don't hang out in our room so that does seem different. We sleep in our room and we do have a tv if other tvs are being used. Maybe have a talk with your kids about hanging out in the living/family room to watch tv and you hang out in there too but I would tell your new husband that he does not need to be such a strict, stubborn man. These kids are older and not babies that can be trained his way.