Band Wife?

Oh, my, I am about to marry into a "band". I'd love to talk more. Especially the "right" to party till dawn after all the shows, my fiance is also on the road about every two weeks. I am also determined to make my marriage work....right back lets discuss more. WOW I thought I was the only one around going through this. We have a 7 month old son Brooks.
Talk to you soon- A.

Just talk to him, and let him know how you feel when he dissapears for a night, esp. leaving you with no car. I think it is ok for him to go out and unwind once in awile, but he needs to be considerate, and let you know where he is. Sounds like he's an overall good guy who sometimes just lets his friends influence him a little too much.

Hi C.
I agree with the others that he needs to work on respecting you more. What really concerns me is that you are left at home with no car and no way to get ahold of him. What if something happened and you needed to go to Childrens Mercy in the middle of the night( i hope you never do), with children you never know. Ask him if he would want to know if there was an accident with his children, how would you reach him. Maybe a different perspective will help him see the light.
Good luck,
C.

Please don't make excuses for your husband. Leaving you without transportation or any way to know where he is or when he is coming back is unacceptable behavior, not only for a husband but especially for a father. I think it's time to have a long talk with him about his responsibilities as a husband and a father. This is not fair to you and you are not overreacting.

Hi My name is D.. I have bad news for you. People that are in music (especially the ones that play an instrument) Are wired different. I have a Mother that is a singer. And even if he put down the instrument He is still gonna feel it in side. He will feel like something is missing. Many spouses cannot handle the stress from them living in their " World of Music". For some reason most of them have a selfishness they don't see and if you show it to them they think you are being mean and alot of time (not always) They run away.
If you want to make your marriage work you will have to find away to have a life separate of his. Make plans and Keep them. You MUST get YOU a car. Make a life for you and your girl. You cannot change the behavior. Talk to him if he is approachable, I would recommend finding a counselor to help open up the line off communication. I wish you all the best in your marriage how ever statically these marriages seldom work out due to "creative difference" Kinda why so many hollywood marriages fail. I hoped this helped and if you have any more questions please feel free to contact me.

D.

I am (or rather was) a musician. I can't tell you if there were clocks in the practice rooms, because I never looked, heh. However, that was college and a bit after, NOT when there were other people to concider. Your hubby needs to realize that it's not just him in his life, but you and your daughter, too. It's especially bad to go off and leave you without a car. What does he think you will do in an emergency?? You need to unplug the amp for a while and sit down and have a good talk with him.
As for the regressing part, that's just par for the course of being a guy. :P
I hope you can get him to see that he is being selfish and needs to grow up a bit. Music is an important part of his life, but his family needs to be even more so.
Good luck!!

J.

C.:
I really don't have any good solution for you but I want to let you know your not alone. My husband has been in bands for years and recently started in a bad with a girl lead singer. I'm a very jealous person so I went nuts. Did I mention she was gorgeous? After coming back to earth, I explained my fears and although he did'nt understand he cared enough to try to keep me involved. I ask reguarly if there are any shows. Then beg borrow and steal to find a babysitter. It's no use trying to get him to quit the band thing it's a terminal illness. Good Luck. Angel

Dear C.,

I'm not a Band Wife, but I do undersand the symptoms you are talking about. I come from a long line of musicians on my mothers side of the family. My Uncle in particular was very self absorbed and a perpetual student until he was in his late 30's. Anyway, here are a few thoughts on the subject.

You say he is a wonderful father, hard worker, and all around nice guy. Yet, he regresses when he is around the band dudes. Part of the problem is he has not adjusted the dreams of family and being a music god into a focused plan. It sounds like he still craves the freedom and the glory of stage performace, but has touble balancing it with home and hearth. With your help I think he might be able to solve it. You need to set some ground rules about time and the use of the car. Yes he needs to check in with you and let you know where he is going and when he will return.

The second biggest issue you face is getting him to pay attention to time. Music is a right brain funtion it has no concept of time. You can litteraly loose yourself in the music and think only a few minutes have passed and it will have been hours. A really good watch with an alarm will help. We had to do this with my mother. She would practice the piano for hours and forget to cook dinner when I was little. Her solution was a loud alarm clock on the book shelf in the practice room.

Finding a band mates more like himself would also help. I know finding a new group to play with is difficult, but if the music is what he is after then there are other ways to get in performace time. Without knowing the type of music he is into I can't make any workable suggestions. I hope this helps.

J.

C.,
What I'd like to say to you is Oh, Brother! It's about choices, my friend. He has them. This is absolutely not an issue of "wiring"; it's about not being a responsible husband and father, plain and simple. Ok, he's an artist, great for him! That's a wonderful outlet and would be a wonderful thing to share with you and pass on to his kid. BUT, he's a grown-up and needs to act like one. No, you can't change him, but you don't have to just throw up your hands and say, "Oh well, he's a musician, that's just how he is." You and your daughter do not deserve to be sacrificed and should never come second. Be a woman and stand up for you and your daughter.
Good Luck, I think you need it!
Karen

I am not married to a musician, but it sounds to me like your husband is lacking respect for you. My husband and I went through a period where he thought I was being controlling because I wanted him to keep me informed about coming and going and when he woudl be home, etc. At the time we shared a vehicle and on occasion for work he would have to drive far away... what if I had a medical emergency? Or in your case, what if your child has one? It took a few discussions and a few arguments, but my husband finally got it through his head that I didn't want to control him, I just wanted to be informed and get the respect I deserve. As for staying out all hours, I can understand he wants to go out and have fun, but what about you? Don't you get to have fun too? That issue is also about respect. Again, I think ti warrants a discussion. He needs to know how it makes you feel and I think you guys need to come to some sort of compromise. I hope I have given you a little insight.

Hi C.,
Being a musician/singer/songwriter myself, let me just say that his behavior and the way he's "wired" doesn't have anything to do with him being a musician.
I LOVE writing and performing-- but I hardly EVER get a chance to do it because I have other obligations that come first. Do I WISH I could do it more often? Of course!
But my marriage and children come first- period. I fit the music around THEM, not THEM around my music.
It sounds to me like your husband is justifying his behavior to himself-- he probably thinks, "Hey-- I work full time, I'm supporting my family, I help out around the house, I spend time with the kid, and THIS is the only thing I do for ME. This is what I enjoy-- I'm entitled to have this hobby and spend time pursuing it"
Truthfully speaking -- he's right-- everyone needs to have "me" time to do what they enjoy- whether it's playing tennis, reading, cycling, exercising, golfing, etc. But naturally, there are limitations and appropriate ways to pursue these things, especially when you're married and have children.
In your husband's case, I think he's rationalizing and saying "Since I do all these other things for my wife and kids, then I can play in this band, stay out all night with my friends" and he just isn't very organized or communicative and is forgetting to tell you his schedule.
It's either that, or he's purposefully being very disrespectful to you. But from your description of him, it doesn't sound like that's the case. So I guess I just don't understand why you don't know simple things like where he is, when he's playing, etc. Do you ask him?
Is it a case where you ask "So do you have a gig this weekend?" and he says, "maybe, maybe not-- but I'm not telling you." ???
When he's walking out the door to a gig, do you say, "where are you playing tonight?" and he says "None of your *#$% business"???
Depending on what's actually happening, the answers to your problems are different.
If it's simply a matter of the two of you not communicating about your schedules, and maybe not agreeing on how long he should be out, how often he should gig, then it seems like you just need to talk with him and set down some guidelines that are appropriate for a married man with children.
For example, he needs to pick one or two nights a week/weekend that he gigs. But, he can't be playing every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. You two need to have time together too. You need to go on dates and have alone time as a couple. Plus, you probably have things that YOU might like to do -- get together with your girlfriends for dinner every now and then, catch a movie, go shopping, play racketball--- whatever YOUR interests are. His interests do NOT supercede yours.
Second-- he KNOWS where and when his gigs are-- gigs are planned in ADVANCE (except for the rare occasions when another band can't show up for some reason, and another band steps in at the last minute). So all he has to do is write his gig schedule on the calendar or on piece of paper you can stick on the fridge, saying where he's playing and what night and time. He'd be one angry dude if you just walked out the door, didn't tell him where you were going, took the only car, left your daughter with him, and didn't come home until 4 am. He'd be REALLY ticked if you did it constantly the way you describe.
It's just common sense that you need to know where he is-- especially since he's taking the only vehicle. What if there was an emergency and you needed to call him? He is NOT going to hear a cell phone ringing in the middle of a gig. You need to be able to call the place where he's playing.
If his gigs are mostly at bars-- well, the latest they stay open is 3am-- if his gig goes to closing, then considering tear-down time, he should be home by 4am.
But alot of bars close at 1:30-- in that case he should be home by 2:30 at the latest.
Also-- alot of bars that have live music have a few different bands that play each night-- each group getting a 1-2 hour set. In that case, he certainly doesn't have to stay the whole night. If his gig is at 8, it's not unreasonable for you to expect him home by 12. (He's going to want to listen to the other groups, and staying a little longer to do that is reasonable, but he doesn't have to stay the WHOLE time either)
Additionally, you should be going WITH him!! You certainly don't need to go EVERY time, but if he's gigging every weekend, then you should be there at LEAST twice a month, if not more. Hire a babysitter, swap babysitting with a friend, or ask grandma if she can watch the kids!
Plus, since you both work full time- that means your daughter only sees you both for a few hours each weekday. And most likely, (unless you're both working seperate shifts) the few hours she sees you are when you're rushing to get up, dressed and out the door in the morning, and in the evening, when you're tired after having worked all day. Then you're busy making dinner, doing a little straigtening up, and before you know it, it's her bedtime and there hasn't been any real quality time. So you need to make sure you're doing things together as a FAMILY on the weekends, as well. That's why he can't assume that just because he's working full time and helping around the house, that all (or even half) of the leftover time can be with the band. If that's the case, then he's spending more time with his band than he is with his own daughter. Working full time to provide a house, a car, and helping to clean up, don't mean anything to a 3 year old. What does she care about that? She needs more than a roof, food and a bed. An orphanage could give her those things. She needs a family and time with her father and mother. He can't assume that providing for his family all week means he can be gone all weekend.
On the other hand, if this isn't a matter of the two of you simply not communicating very well and organizing your schedule, and you ARE asking him where and when he's playing, and he's refusing to tell you, then unfortunately, you have a HUGE marital problem and there's alot more going on than just "playing with the band."

T. K.
Original country and contemporary Christian music.
Listen for free! www.soundclick.com/tracykeeney

Many of the responses seem to be painting all music-guys with the same brush. I am married to the most amazing man, who just happens to be the guitarist in a rock-pop band signed with a major label. They're gaining serious North American momentum for their first album. Sure, he's gone away a lot, but he understands that music is a business and not an excuse to party his face off. It's not the guitar, it's the person. Too many people watch movies like "Rock Star" or "Almost Famous" and think that the music biz is about doing coke and sleeping with chicks. That attitude is immature and irresponsible especially if you have kids at home. You are not overreacting. You deserve more. Men of music CAN be totally trustworthy and respectful. Sorry, but it just sounds like yours isn't one of them.

Oh, yes. My husband until recently was in 2 bands. Now he's only in one... He plays bass. I use my yahoo calendar and ask him to put shows on it, so I can plan my life around his band schedule (that's sarcasm!).

I have asked for phone numbers of his band friends in case he doesn't answer his cell. (I use the excuse, "What am I supposed to tell the police if you come up missing?")

I also think that he should come home after he's done playing, but according to him, this is bad band etiquette. He's supposed to stay & listen to the other bands. So he has some late nights like 2 or 3am. I think only once he stayed out til 4. So, no, I don't think he should be out til dawn.

I understand where you are coming from, I am in love with a musician but our relationship is so unstable that I could never marry him...his friends, his music, him. Those are his main priorities...our daughter, me our family is just a side hobby...
He rarely holds a job, and when he goes to practice it is a drinking party...staying out all night is the norm for him...
After reading this thread it makes me think we should start our own little support group for the women behind the scenes...we are the ones in turmoil, being terrified that they will cheat after they drink themselves into oblivion...never Knowing where they are, or if they would leave if they got famous...
Being with a musician is torture sometimes and they have no idea what they are doing to you. Talking may help some but as long as he continues to play in a band his behavior will probably be the same. I have been made a million promises, but when it comes down to the wire, those friends always seem to win.

The positive side, he actually married you, he has a job!, and it seems like most of the time he is available to you.

Good Luck and I hope things work out...

I am engaged to a guitarist. I have sort of the same problem but in a different way. He no longer has a band cuase the band broke up after the drummer died of Cancer and it wuz his dad. But to get to the point he will go in his room and play the guitar all day long. It is loud and can get irratating after awhile. I mean he plays awsome that is not the problem. The problem his sometimes he spends more time playing the guitar or looking up music on the internet than with us. Me and my 2 daughters. My daughters are from a previous marriege. I mean he is there father and is great with them. But one thing is that his step mom who wuz married to his father had 2 strokes last year after about a year after she got remarried. She will call him and he will go over there and spend hours there. Like leave at 4 in the afternoon and will not come home tell 5 in the mourning. So in a way it is the same. I have yet figured out how to get him to relize what he is doing is hurting are relationship. I know how Guirist are were there heart on there sleeve and read to much into things. So when I confronted him about it it caused a huge fight and took weeks to get over. I am just saying good luck cause I have yet to figure out how to get him home. If you would like to talk and maybe at least vent to each other. Cause I know it is hard to vent to friends and family cause then they pass judgement and make the situtation worse. I know I have been there I have found out the hard way to leave your problems at home and never let anyone close to you know about them. Here is my e-mail is you wanna chat. ____@____.com
I sure hope you find something that helps if so please let me know maybe it will help me. thanxs pixxydust

Hi C.;

My husband plays bass and I understand how you feel. When they are around their band mates, they begin to speak a completely different language and at times practically drool over instruments. I,myself play guitar so I can partially understand him. Just relaxe hun and let him have his fun however there is one rule that my husband and I made at the very begininng when we found out we were expecting. He has to let me know in advance when and where his shows are, especially in case of an emergency. Even though he has a cellphone with him at all times, he can't hear it over the music on stage. In that aspect your not overreacting at all, he should let you know when and where his shows are going to be. As far as the evil guitar making it happen, just remember this. The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys, although if your husband is like mine and babies his instrument that is the sign of a serious muscian. Relaxe and have fun with it, do like I do and go with him once in a while. You'll both have blast.

C.,
My best friends' husband plays the sax in a band in KC, but only part time because he works f/t in a "rat race" job!(he's in his early 50's and still gets to do gigs...only part-time) He did the whole band life in his 20's (in his 1st marriage), the partying/drinking,etc....when it appeared that it wasn't going to go "big time", then he worked in another field. It wasn't realistic for THEM. I do know it was a strain on his first marriage. I am not talking about your marriage. It may work for your family. Every family and marriage is different. What works for you may not "traditonal", but if it works for your life, great! More power to you for supporting your husbands career. BUT,

I guess my first thought is, it is not so much as him playing gigs, as the need for him to be considerate to his primary focus~you and your daughter. You should discuss together the familys schedule. Work it out together, so you can plan things, too. Balance is key.

My brother is in his early 30's, is single and has a successful band,PENDERGAST (sorry, had to give him some free PR!) He lives the life of a single musician, as he IS single. Not married with children. I've seen both sides. Consideration for you should be A#1! Talk, and see what you can figure out together. I guess it would be like having an OTR truck driver for a husband. They're gone alot, and it is a challenge for the wives @ home. I don't know if there's have any wisdom in this, but I do wish you the best for your family and your husband's dream....remind him that you don't want it to turn into a nightmare for your family!

Come join our little community over at www.marriedtoamusician.com. I have searched everywhere and I couldn't find any resources or support for people who are married to a musician, so I created a website to join us together and give us a voice.

Hopefully it will benefical to all!

Cheers,

____@____.com

While I am not married to a band member, I do happen to be married to a highly respected tattoo artist in our area. Once again, like you, nice guy, wonderful father, etc., etc. But that's when he's ACTUALLY HERE!!!! I don't go to the shop where he works because of all the flirting he gets from the girls, and he "has to hang out with other tattoo artist to keep up with what's going on in the business" (his excuse, not mine). If you find out what the deal is, please share.

My husband is not in a band. But I don't think you are over reacting at all. it is not fair to you to be at home with no car and him not having the respect to call you and let you know anything. I do think it's a little more then the evil guitar. I don't know if you how you feel about God or Satin. But satin does not want any marriage to work. You need to try to sit down and talk to him and she if he is willing to change and think of his responsibilty of being a spouse and father. Don't give up yet. try to work it out. Good luck to you. Keep in touch and let me know how it is going.

I don't know that it is just the band. My hubby does the same kind of things and there is no band. We only have one car between the two of us and he does the same thing to me. "I am going to help a friend move some furniture and I will be right back" 6 hours later, with no word from him, I am a litttle frantic. He does this quite a bit. He ended up hanging out for awhile drinking beer. What if something had happened and I needed to take Kolton somewhere? In addition to only one car, we only have a cell phone instead of a home phone. Mostly because I have lived that way since I moved out of my parents house. If he takes the phone and the car what am I to do in the event of an emergency? He sometimes gets this idea that it is ok for him to go out and act as he did before the baby and before me. If you find out the answer why they act this way...please share it with me. I almost wonder if they think it is ok because the Mom is the primary care giver so because they feel that you are in control, they are not needed as much. Little do they know that they really are.

As the daughter of a musician, I know how hard that kind of lifestyle can be on a family. Even as a very young child, I remember over-hearing one of my parents arguments in which my father stated he would rather spend time with his band then with his family. However, it sounds like your husband, as you say, IS a genuinely good guy - most of the time. In my personal opinion, it seems like this might be your husbands only time to just kick back and be one of the guys. Don't get me wrong- that doesn't make him immune to any rules, or make it fair of him to take the car with very little notice ahead of time. Just like if you were to have a 'girls night out' at a bar, or any other location, I'm sure your husband (as any husband would) would probably set some ground rules. If I were in your situation, what I would do is simply sit down with him and explain to him how frusterating and unreasonable it is to behave like this. My basic rules would include letting me know as soon as he knows when he'll be going, where he'll be going, ect. I'm not saying you have to treat him like he's a teenager; just ask him to be a little more conciderate of your feelings. It doesn't sound to me as if you're completely against him having a good time, so be sure and convey that to him. But also let him know that if he's going to be out all night, you'd like to know. See if there's anything he's willing to comprimise on.
Anyway, I know what a toll having a musician in the family can take, and I hope I've been of some help. I've got plenty more ideas, but I'm afraid I'm rambling. If what I've said helps, and you would like anything more of me, feel free to ask.
Good luck!

Hi C.!
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having this problem. I'm also married to a musician (he plays, but not in the band - he's the band manager though - says he too old to be "in the band" lol)
Anyway, there really is no excuse for him to leave you with out a vehicle - especially when you have a small child. Have you ever given him the "scenerio talk"? the "What if...." something happened and you NEEDED a vehicle or to be able to reach him? Maybe he could car pool with one of the other guys...? The band that my husband manages actually practices at my house, because we have all of the recording equipment and room; so my husband is home when he is with the band - and when they play gigs, we plan ahead and go together. But, the members are very respectful of their wives on practice nights, and usually bring them over so we can all hang out while they play. I would seriously talk to him about how you are truly feeling. Be sure to share your positive feelings about him as well (great dad and guy), but let him know that this is really bothering you.
When my husband is upsetting me, I go to him (where ever he is) and say." Honey, I really need to talk with you about something that's bothering me...." And he usually is good at listening. It just takes me time to build up my nerve and know what I want to say.
I wish you the best of luck!

Hi C.-

I am married to a musician, and this is not behavior typical to "musicians" but it is typical behavior of a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. My husband went on tour for two weeks and he checked in several times a day and has always done so. I would talk to him, and you both need to agree on some rules so that he can still participate in the band, and you are not left in a possibly unsafe situation.
Good Luck!

Well my husband is not in a band, but works as a sales representative for a sleep clinic. Part of his job is to entertain clients at happy hours periodically. We went through a really rough patch a while back where he was going out for the happy hour, then staying out with his coworker until the wee hours of the morning, without calling, or answering my phone calls when I would call. So, it's not just the guitar doing it, I think it's something wired in men. I do know that for some reason my husband feels freedom when he can stay out and not have to check in with me...I mean shoot I would too! For a while it had to do with the pressure he was feeling to perform when he was home, that I had such high standards of him spending time with the baby and picking up his stuff. When all he wanted to do when he got home from work was relax and not be hasseled. It's taken a lot of conversations and giving on both sides for us to come to terms with things. Now, even if I do have high standards, that doesn't excuse his behavior, and please don't think that I'm saying that you make your husband want to stay out all night and party. He is responsible for his own actions. We actually were able to see a counselor for a while that helped us communicate with one another. It was awesome, but we also had some other issues going on besides this one. But if your husband is loving and supportive and helps around the house and is a good father, which you've said, hopefully he will be willing to sit down and talk with you. And it sounds like your heart is really to understand the behavior, and not just get what you want. But know that it is completely reasonable in a marriage to expect your husband to communicate with you, and to not be out all night when he has a family at home. For me, I didn't even care if he was out late as long as he called and just let me know what was going on, and approximately what time he thought he'd be home. I assume you probably feel similar, you just want the respect of him letting you know where he is. Let him know that a marriage is built on trust, and that you're willing to trust him and give him what he needs (maybe he needs these nights out from time to time) as long as he's honest and respectful with you. Anyway, I hope that's helpful!

I am also a band wife. I just always feel that there is a lot of drama around the whole "band" thing. Sometimes I just want to tell him to grow up. I think everyone of the guys/girls that he plays with (and he has played with 3 bands at one time sometimes) are divorced except one and us. That is not a good sign but I know my husband just loves music. Anyway, we can talk more if you like.

B. in O'Fallon MO.

Hi,

I am sorry you are goin through this. I dont have a band or musician for a husband. I do tend to get the same feeling from my husband in a different state. He puts family last. Everything he wants he does and we are here on the limb waiting. Chore wise my husband does very little if he even does anything.
I wish you the best hopefully you get to the just of it.
Have you tried to communicate with your husband on what the picture he sees?
R.

I am not married to a musician, but I am married to a car guy and mechanic, so I do kinda know what you are going through. My husband has alot of single friends, they are always wanting to party, work on cars, and go "cruise" in their cars. When we were first together it wasn't so bad, he hardly ever went out and did things but after we got married things changed. He would always get phone calls from his buddies wanting help or wanting to do something, and yes they did party hard too. I finally got so fed up with him always being gone and not calling to let me know what was going on, he said I get in a zone when I am doing these things and forget. I sat down and told him what happens if something were to happen to one of the kids? What if they got really sick, or hurt really bad and I needed to get them to the ER? After our talk about him needing to spend more time at home, calling and checking in, and treating me better when he was around certain people he finally started spending alot more time at home, we came to an agreement that he could go out 1-2 times per week, he doesn't even do that anymore. I had to have several talks and arguments with him before anything got better just don't give and I told my husband when you take a break call me, they always have to take a break. I would definatly bring up the thing what do I do if something was to happen to your little girl and you needed to get her to the ER. He probalby doesn't see things the same as you but he needs to understand that things happen and he needs to respect you and what you are asking of him. Sorry this is so long but I hope something helps. Don't give up though, I didn't and it turned out just fine.

Sweetie, I wished I could tell you they change, but they don't. It's just something you have to deal with. You can speak your mind about his partying and how it's not setting a good example for the kids. Hopefully he will listen. But I used to date a couple of musicians, and to this day, they still stay out and party all night (they're in their 50's). I dated Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue) and you see what he's still doing. However, if your husband's band isn't that famous, I'm sure you have a chance of reaching him, and letting him know how you really feel. So just sit down and talk to him, pour out your feeling, and let him know that the kids are watching him, and is this the way he wants them to grow up? Good Luck, S.