When to Quit!

Don't let her quit! If she feels she needs extra help, then she should get some extra lessons instead of quitting. Once the year is over, if she doesn't want to play again, then don't make her play......but never quit in the middle of something. That sends the completely wrong message to kids. If the going gets tough, we can always quit......not a good lesson.

I am a former middle school band director, so keep that in mind as you read my advice :-)

I think it is really important for her to finish her year's committment to the band. Band social dynamics are an interesting thing, and having someone quit in the middle of the year sometimes begins a grand domino effect that has huge repricutions on the entire ensemble.

A good friend of mine requires her children to be in band through their freshman year in high school simply so they are instantly part of a social group. And as a former band geek, I can proudly say that they usually make very good friends.

Not only was I in band as a high schooler, but my daughter was in band too until she graduated high school and loved every minute of it. Her fondest high school memories are band-related. But I, on the other hand, quit band (both marching and concert band) right after 10th grade. There were other things I wanted to do. I've never regretted it for two minutes but found it to be a big relief. I remember it being hard to say that I was really quitting when my band director asked me about it, but I learned a good lesson in self-confidence.

We don't always like doing the things that we may be good at. Maybe this isn't really about quitting but about being real with one's heart and knowing you are in a place you don't want to be or isn't good for you?

Because she's miserable and crying, I think the key is in finding out why. That bothers me the most. Ask her open-ended questions to help her work through her thoughts and allow her to make her own decision. In this mom/woman's opinion (for whatever that is worth! lol!) it's much more important that she learn to trust herself and know that you will listen to her than it is to be in band.

As a retired flute teacher, I can commiserate with you. When most of my students got to high school other activities took precedence and they quit the flute. I have found that the student who sticks with it is one in a million and does it because he/she loves his music. This is the student who practices on his own and gives it his all.
Before I let her quit band I would try to find out what it is about band that is bothering her. Maybe it is the teacher. Also, if the band depends on her a lot you might have to encourage her to stick with it until the end of the school year. You want to teach her responsibility, but not at the expense of her totally turning against music. Perhaps there is another music group she would like better. I would let her choose, though. In the long run , she will hate band if she is forced to continue with it. Does she play an instrument that could be used in orchestra? She might like that better. Explore her options, but let her quit if she is determined. Playing when you hate it will do no good.

You know, I liked being in band when I was in middle school, but then for some reason I just got tired of it and realized, even though I had talent I did not want to be in the band anymore. My parents let me quit, I kept my instruments up until a couple years ago, I'm 26, and I turned out fine.

I would first sit down with her and try to find out why she dislikes it now as opposed to the previous year. Is it not challenging enough? Is there someone bothering her? Does she feel she's not good enough? There could be a million reasons, but I wouldn't settle for "I just don't like it anymore." I think once you find out WHY, then you'll be able to make a better decision as to whether to allow her to quit or not.

I have absolutely no musical talent, but my husband does. He's told me that when he was in Jr High and High school he wanted to quit and his parents wouldn't let him. Now he's really good and actually has a stable part-time job in a band (almost 20 years with this band). He loves to play music now, wishes he had more time for it and is thankful his parents wouldn't let him quit. We've already decided that our children will be required to take at least one music class each year until they graduate.

I am going thru the same thing right now and my son wants to quuit. He sees it as I forced him but truely his friends all were so he did now he hates it and wants to quit so I tell him only 4 months left and then next year you will know not to do that again. Plus like you say we are not quitters.:) good luck

You know I was put in band when I was in the fifth grade. Had natural talent as well. I practiced and did well my first year... then every single year my drive decreased. Till I was 14/15 a sophomore in high school and was just doing it for my mother... like it sounds your girls is for you. I hated it. I really did. Natural talent or no. I didn't practice... had no desire to do so, didn't want to memorize my music which let the band down far more than dropping out would have. It was really just a disaster. Every single day I loathed walking into the band room more than I can verbalize to you. It was the worst thing in the world to me. It really was... I ONLY did it for my mother. So my junior year I told her no more! I'm not doing it! I hate it! She was ticked at me. She told me the natural talent stuff, and how good it looks on my college applications, etc. All the stuff a mother has to say. I still said NOPE! Not doing it. Boy am I glad I did. I resented her every single solitary day I went into that classroom. I really did. I didn't want to do it, I'd made that clear to her. I felt like I was being forced against my will to do it and it put a strain on our relationship cause I resented her for it. Whenever she told me to practice I got indignant and angry.

So I'm saying let her drop it and add a study hall. If she hates it, doesn't want to practice, and YOU talked her into it... How is that quitting? It wasn't her choice in the first place was it? She did it for mom but it just isn't working out. I would just encourage her to find another extra curricular activity however. Year book, journalism, photography, forensics, debate... whatever. But let her drop it if she wants to. Its her life and she has to know that sometimes things just don't work out.

I think you have to be careful about making your daughter stick to something she truly does not enjoy. The reality of life is that a person cannot do everything and at some point everyone will have to "quit" many of their activities to ensure that they maintain their priorities. As children get older and grow into adults life gets busy and they will have to put aside some of their extra-curricular activities (because they really are extra) to make sure they can put enough time into the things that really matter (like education and child rearing). At this point your daughter is miserable at band and her happiness needs to be the priority. This may be a good time to talk to her about responsibility and priorities and how to balance the two of them. This is a skill she needs to learn before adulthood anyway. She may decide to stay in band if it is her decision and she fully understands the consequences of her decision. If she decides to quit and it is something she truly likes she can start again next year after a little break and a commitment to stick out the whole year.

I'm glad you have made the decision to not let her quit. I started playing piano at 10 and I had a short time period where I didn't want to practice and I just wanted to quit, but my mom wouldn't let me. I'm glad she didn't. She made me practice for 1/2 hour every day and would set a timer so I had to sit there until it went off. I didn't like it at the time, but now I'm really glad. It was just a slump that I needed to get over and she knew that. Your daughter will appreciate you doing this for her, even if she doesn't admit it! :)

I personally think that if she has gone 1/2 through the school year already and is still miserable... let her quit! Children change so much in the things that they like and dislike. Sure the first year was fun and new, but instead of her being miserable... have her choose something else that she would like doing more. That way she is still involved in school activities and she has the option of doing what she wants, so she can feel independant. Children sometimes do things to make their parents happy whether it makes them happy or not. I say let her quit the band and discuss with her what she would rather do.

you also don't want to give her the impression that she always has to stick with something that isn't right for her, because there will be times in her life when it is appropriate to quit. maybe she's being mistreated by someone in the band? band is supposed to be fun and if it's not anymore for her, why not let her use her time for something else that interests her right now? i thoroughly enjoyed playing the baritone for one year and would like to someday pick it up again. but i only played for a year because i didn't like the band teacher the following year and i preferred to focus on art at the time. i'm glad i quit because i got a lot of joy out of art.

Look inside yourself and assess why it's so important for your daughter to be in band. She is 12 and old enough to decide if she wants to play in the band. When my daughter was little, she decided that ballet wasn't for her. She was physically talented and my dear friend ran the ballet school. She just didn't enjoy herself. I kept pushing. My husband said I need to plumb my depths about this. I thought about it and realized that I wanted her to be in ballet because I didn't want to disappoint my friend. (I like to please people.) In the end, I decided that ballet was a decision that my daughter could make even though I'd paid her tuition for the year. This is probably may not your situation but I thought I throw in my two cents. Hope this helps.
J. L.

Have you really pressed her for details about why she wants to quit? Have you discussed her feelings w/the band teacher? Does she have a friend or two who could shed some light on why she wants to quit? Does she enjoy the music well enough that she would continue to play the instrument if she were in private lessons but not in the band?
The answers to such questions might indicate that she is being made to feel uncomfortable in band class by either the teacher or her peers. Very often social issues make an experience so painful emotionally that a child cannot enjoy what she/he loves. I would pursue these questions before making a decision. It is likely that her friends know why she wants to quit. If you allow her to quit, they (and even the teacher) will "get it". I'm all for having kids "suck it up" and "stick w/it" but if the only reason your daughter is enduring this year in band is to please mom, I'm not sure it will encourage her love of music or her desire to get involved w/new activities. Help her understand the consequences of quitting and help her make a wise decision once you find out what is really going on in the band setting.
About me: I'm a mother of 2, grandmother of 3 and a high school teacher.

I was in band for years and loved it.... until we had a terrible instructor. I loved the music and the people, but did not wish to stay in his abusive classroom. My parents supported my decision to quit, even after thousands of dollars invested in private lessons, etc. This may not be why your daughter wishes to quit, but the best thing parents can do is be supportive of their children. It may be more meaningful to her that you support and repect her feelings and that may be the overall message instead of one about quitting. Perhaps there is more to her reasons. A conversation with her (open and listening) may reveal more about why. There are so many possible reasons, but one of the most important things to remember is that if her heart isn't in it, she won't fully enjoy it. And if she truly loves music, she will find ways to incorporate it into her life. You can support her in this, as well, by going to concerts and festivals outside of school functions and expanding your listening genres. Would you want to be corralled into something against your wishes.... so much that you were in tears??
(On a hopeful note.... there were many very talented musicians who quit band in my school and most of them continued with music after high school, several are now professional musicians. The rest of us still appreciate music and it is a part of our lives. I was able to expand my participation in other arts with my time freed up from band practice. I now teach art and dance and fully believe in following our passions!)

T.:

I wondered how old your daughter was. My son played saxophone during his middle school years. When he got to high school, he didn't seem to have time to fit it in. I guess his interests had changed a bit to include more woods and industrial arts classes. I guess my opinion is that they will always carry that musical aptitude and will someday (hopefully) tap into it again. Maybe your daughter just has too much schoolwork and not enough time to relax and enjoy band. I am from a family that loves music (my sister is a band teacher) and it is the joy of my heart. God Bless YOu and help you in this trying time. J. H.

If it is the band class that is upsetting her so much, I would let her quit and try private lessons. It's a shame to let talent go to waste, but it's not worth being miserable either.

I took piano lessons my whole life and went through many phases of wanting to quit. My mom didn't stress out over the practicing, but just made me keep going to my lesson even if that was the only time I played the whole week. It paid off, I eventually came to love it when I was 16 and put my heart into it after that. I'm glad I didn't quit, but I'm also glad my mom didn't stress me out when she could have.

There are so many battles you can have with your children. Having a talent or learning music shouldn't be one of them!

Good Luck
M.

Is there a reason she is so miserable? I too was in band and tall flags, and loved the expierience but maybe something is going on that is changing that. I feel like you do, and had this dilima with my know 16 year old, he was never very athletic but in the 6th grade he wanted to go out for football, I was unsure and very clear about the fact that he couldn't just quit because he would have an obligation to the other team mates, he said he understood so I let him , two weeks later he hated it, i still made him go, it wasn't until my husband pointed out the fact that I wouldn't want anyone forcing me to do something that I didn't want to do so why was I forcing him? Good question that I really didn't have an answer for,becuase he is right I wouldn't. Support her, and if you can afford it maybe get private lessons, next year she migh be ready to try again. Maybe she is just overwhelmed with all the changes going on in her life and just needs a little break.

Did your daughter get a new teacher this year and did she know that is was coming over the summer? Or maybe the music the teacher is picking isn't what her tastes run to. I've been playing the piano for 25 years and play several other different instruments. See if she would like to change what she plays. I started in fifth grade playing the flute and in my sophmore year switched to the bassoon. I felt that I was doing more good by switching from a treble instrument (there was a BUNCH of flute players) to a bass instrument. Maybe she feels like she really isn't contributing to the band. Maybe her passion is gone for it. Is she in the marching band? I hated marching band and didn't do it, but was allowed once concert band started to practice with the rest of the kids. That was one of the best things I ever did in my high school career. Good luck, and at least she tried it and has found that she doesn't like it. She might even change her mind once she doesn't have it in her life.

You know, maybe she just doesn't like it! It's ok to not like something, but I agree that she can't just up and quit. She made a commitment to the whole band and she needs to fulfill that. Till the end of the year. Then give her the option of quitting. I've been involved with music my whole life and those end of the year concerts that you work so hard for end up being soo worth the work that she may decide it's worth sticking with it. We tell our kids that if they start something and decide they don't like it, it's ok, but they must finish the entire year and then can decide if they still want to do it again. It's amazing how seriously they look into things now before they join. Good Luck!!

Music is such a wonderful thing to have in your life! We had a similar situation with our son (11 yrs. old) this year. He had been in band for two years and even enjoyed summer band. Suddenly this year he didn't want to be in band anymore. I also had talked him into staying, because he plays so well, even without practice. But he was miserable and it became a fight to get him to go to band practice. I did not want music to become something to fight about and maybe lead him to hate participating in any type of music performance, so I let him quit band. He stayed with his piano lessons, and loves to sing, so music is still a part of his life. It also helped that the band instructor said that he can rejoin if he likes in 7th or even 8th grade. It was a hard decision, but our son is so much happier. Best of luck to you!

It sounds like something bad happened to her while there this summer. Have you tried talking with her to see why the change in her behavior toward band is. There are so many possiblities that could be triggering this. Maybe she has just changed her mind about band and really is not interested in it any more or like I said someone might have done something to harm her while there. But sit and talk with her and find out why she does not like it. If it is something serious or let her quit but if she will not talk to you about it then something happened and she does not want you to know about it and you need to get her out ASAP. Kids can be cruel and leaving her in that kind of situation would just make her hate you. Letting her quit is not a bad thing. Just tell her you like her music and would like her to still take lessons for whatever she plays and don't force her to stay in band.

Your situation has me wondering what the root problem is. She liked band last year, so what changed over the summer? How is it getting tougher? I'm guessing it doesn't have much to do with playing an instrument and more to do with social interactions. If she's coming home crying, there's gotta be something more. Find out what it is and try to deal with it before letting her give up. Remember, though, that her emotional health is more important than not being a quitter.

OK..first off, Summer IS a vacation for kids and having to get up and go to band practice when everyone else is out having fun kind of puts a damper on something she now regards as a "chore". Something obviously happened during the Summer practice that she hasn't told you about. Talk WITH her, not TO her and maybe you can get her to open up. She shouldn't look at a gift as a burden and if she is forced to do something she doesn't want to do,it could destroy her love for music and never pick the instrument up again. That is my personal opinion.
Good luck!
S.

I think it's important to know when to quit in life. Successful people do not stay in unfulfilling jobs for their whole careers, right? She sounds pretty unhappy and it sounds like she's hung in there plenty of time to make sure things aren't going to improve. I would treat it like a job and give two week's notice. The band will survive. :)

I personally don't think you would give her the idea that quiting is ok if you did let her quit. I think you should sit down with her and seriously talk about the ups and downs and why she is having such a hard time but keeping her in something she really doesn't want to be in will not encourage her to keep doing it especially something like a band at school. When I was in high school my mom really pushed me to play on the softball team (I had played softball most my life) but I really didn't want to because I was kind of sick of always playing softball...well I tried out, made the team, and hated the whole season. Anyway, I would try and encourage her to continue playing in the band but if it's something she really doesn't want to do it may be time for her to stop for now and possibly in the future she'll pick it up again...maybe she just needs a break. I hope this helps. Good luck!!

Do you know why she doesn't like band anymore? Is it just because she thinks it's hard? If so, then you could tell her the solution would be to practice more and give it her best effort.

I think you need to find that exactly why she wants to quit and then let that help you make your decision, but regardless I think she should be required to finish out this school year. You're right, she needs to know that you can't just quit things because you don't want to do them, or because they're hard, you have to stick to your commitments and follow through with what you signed up to do. This sounds like a good life lesson that she needs to learn sooner than later.

Good luck!

Two quick cents since you are already working to resolve the issue with your daughter...
...is she taking private lessons? If she really enjoyed it last year and is just frustrated that it is tougher this year a private instructor may help. Mine was a Godsend!!

...just be sure to be supportive of her in whatever her decision is since she seems sensitive about the issue. Even a sigh or a humph from you in front of her about music could have a negative effect on her own thoughts about music.

Good luck!

- S.

My best advice is for her to finish what she started. Let her know that you can see she's unhappy and you aren't going to keep forcing her to stick with it. Perhaps you can tell her, if you finish out the school year and do your best, then you don't have to do it next year.

Another possibility is that there's an underlying reason. What's the band teacher like? Are there any students giving her a hard time, etc?

T., I feel that you are right in not letting her quit. Quitting sticks to ya. Once you've done it it is easier to do it again. However, you really should find out why she is coming home crying!! That is not good at all. There has got to be a reason and probably is a good one. It most likely goes beyond that she just doesn't like band anymore. Is there a new kid in class that is making her life hard? Did the teacher change (physically- new teacher, or attitude)? Did she get braces or glasses or is she having a hard time seeing or something?

On another note. My parents let me quit band when I got to high school. I did my three years in junior high and that was good enough for me. I think their reasoning behind letting me not sign up for band in high school was that I was getting old enough to make my own choices about what classes to take. Maybe your daughter is at that age? Maybe she's not. You, Husband and daughter could have a sit down and discuss it, maybe with ice cream involved, because that is yummy!! And just maybe she'll get it out there and you'll discover the reason. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

If this activity is suppose to be for her enjoyment, and she is miserable, whay are you making her still play? I my personal opinion, and as child that was forced to play the piano for 10 years because I had talent, this should be her choice not yours. I have refused to touch a piano in 15 years since I finally was able to quit. Forcing her to do an outside activity, that is supposed to be for her enjoyment, is only going to cause resentment. Have her interests changed?

If this is a class, then she needs to stick it out. Something has occured htat has caused her to hate this activity that is on a deeper level.

I would look into it a little more. How old is your daughter? Have you been to school to observe or to visit with the teacher? You may get an eye opener. The teacher may be able to help by being more encouraging to your daughter or by telling you what he has observed. Maybe you should let the band teacher be the bad guy when it comes to practicing. Many times there is more to the story than we can tell from home. Possibly as worse case scenario the band teacher does not have control and the chaos is to much for her.

Has your daughter said why she doesn't want to be in band? I couldn't tell from your letter if you had sat down with her to find out if she just doesn't want to practice or if there is more to it. Being a social worker you probably know to do these things.

I agree with you about the quitting thing. Many times when we stick with something hard we are happy and proud of ourselves in the retrospect. Sometimes however there is a good reason to quit.

Good luck with this.

Grandma T., Mother of 5 girls and 1 boy, all grown and married now. Teacher, Kindergarten 21 yrs.

This is a tough question but I feel that if she is that upset where she is coming home crying maybe there is a different problem then being in band. Maybe something is happening at school such as teasing for being in band. I was in the band and we were known as the "band geeks". Maybe this is going on at her school.

If this was my child, I have have her sit down and figure out the positives of the class and the negatives of the class, so she can see why she is miserable. THen I would consider the list and decide if her reasons are worth quiting. I also feel that she isnt going to be much good or help in the band if she is resenting it so much.

Maybe instead of quiting the instrument, she could stop taking the class and take private lessons instead. This would teach her about compromising instead of quiting altogether. I know this may not be fesible but this would be an alternative I would take with my child.

Good luck with your decision since this is a tough one. Also remember we all have had jobs we didnt like and moved on, so the important issue is deciding when to throw in the towel and move on or come up with a compromise. I hope this helps.

I have been involved in band since I was in 6th grade. I have loved every minute of it. Now there was definently times where it was tough and I wanted to quit. I would probably find out what is making her want to quit and see if you can't adjust it. If she thinks it is too hard, then tell her it is going to be hard, unless you are naturally very talented. Maybe get her a private teacher, sometimes that will spark her intrest again because she will get some one on one time and some new tips that her band teacher may not be able to give. Get her some "fun" music that she can just play at home when she is sick of her band music. Take her to the symphony or to a marching concert or a college band of some sort. Music is one of the best things I think anyone can be involved in because you get so much out of it. You learn disipline, true emotion, stress relief, and I could go on and on. To me music is my escape. Of all the suggestions I gave you I would personally try a private teacher because I went years with out one and wanted to quite so many times but when I had a privat teacher, he inspired me so much to want to be better, to have fun with it. He was and is still one of my favorite people in the world. Try that and if that doesn't work then give her the option, but try to get her inspired because my guess is she is thinking it is just too tough. Give it a shot. If you need some help finding a teacher let me know what she plays and I can probably get you some names. Good luck.

I would ask your daughter why she has had such a change of heart. Maybee something is going on in class or with one of her band mates. Don't dismiss her feelings, I know it seems like quiting but to a her it just might be the needed change she wants. Good luck with the situation.

I've run into that problem with both my children. The first one began with the clarinet and played for two years before I allowed her to take a break. Her freshman year (in highschool)she had a different band teacher and he mentioned he was looking for a saxophone player. She picked it up and in two weeks she was in advanced band and by mid year, when the first chair sax left school, she auditioned and one the privilege of being first chair. The techniques she learned with the clarinet allowed her to master the saxophone. She loves it now. My youngest decided he wanted to quite band as well, however this was 3-4 months into the year. Although my husband wanted him to quit, I sat my 11 yr. old and explained that when we make a commitment we have to see it through. I told him that if he needed my help practicing I would be there. If at the end of the year he still wants to quit, it was ok then. I think sometimes kids may feel overwhelmed with the music or who knows what else, but if you give them a timeline, who knows, she may discover it is not so bad after all.

Have you talked to the band teacher? It seems strange that she loathes band that much if she has talent. Maybe something else is going on. I'm a piano teacher. From my point of view, I think I would have her finish the year. There should be positive reasons to quit, not negative. Like, "I want to make time for some other worthwhile activity". Or maybe she's being pressured to much to practice at home. I'm all for practice, but if the parent pushes too hard, they never get a chance to play just for the joy of it. Hope it works out! We need more talented musicians in our culture.

Have you sat down and talked to her about this. How old is she? Sometimes kids will make fun of the kids in band, or other areas that they don't think is Cool. If she enjoyed it, and now doesn't there might be a problem. Is there a problem with the teacher. Sometimes teachers can say things that can hurt with out knowing it. Let her know that if there is a problem she can discuss it with you and your husband. One of the kids could have made fun of the instrument she is playing. Kids were cruel when I was young, and when my kids were in school. And they are even more cruel now a days. If you decide to let her quit, just let her know that she will not be rejoining when she feels like it. Also let her know that some people don't care for band, or other areas, but other kids are good in those areas, and that those kids are no different than her. They are not any better than her, they are all equal, they just like different things.

Good Luck.

Hugs Mary

Hi T.,

I've got three kids and my husband and I have always wanted them to love and appreciate music. It was a huge thing for us when we were growing up and it has brought us sooooo much pleasure in our lives. Over the years, we have done whatever has been necessary to keep them happily engaged with music. In the case of your daughter, I think it's important to keep her loving her music and her instrument...make a deal with her: tell her she can leave this band (which may really be a bummer situation...kid's know and there are ALOT of bad instructors out there), if she will continue instruction privately. My 14 year old son, who plays the trumpet in his band is telling me to tell you to offer to let her try a different instument. Often, when a kid has natural talent with one instrument, will be able to pick up a new one pretty easily. Like I said, it's more important to keep her fully engaged and happy with music. She can learn about "slump beating" and "keeping up her end of the deal on a team" in other arenas...soccer, for instance. Well, that's our advice. It's worked for us to always listen to the kids on this one...plus, as your daughter becomes a teenager it really helps your relationship to respect her opinions and let her make decisions whenever possible.

Hi T.,
I went through these same issues when I was a child. I was in band and talented. At first I loved to play and would practice without being reminded or asked to do so. I then went through a period where I didn't want to play anymore. I thought other things were more important. Unfortunately, my mother let me quit. It was a little different because it at the start of a school year. However, I regret that decision to this day. I would work with her teacher to try to come up with ways to get her excited again. Try to remind her that she is talented and an asset to the band.

Good Luck!

I think you are absolutely right about seeing this semester/ or whatever it is through. Regardless of band, that is an important lesson. At that point, if she chooses to try something new, great.

As for your concerns with talking her into it, there is a fine line between encouraging and pushing. I think your intentions were good, maybe just an apology to your daughter, telling her you just see her talents and want her to use them in some way...and consider it a lesson learned. I am sure your husband will support you if you and your daughter communicate and come up with a compromise.

From a mom who has been there, my prayers are with you and good luck!

Have you talked to the band instructor to see what might be going on? Does he have a clue that something is up? Is there a person in band that is harrasing her? The instructor may have some insight or suggestions as to how to make it fun for her again, if it's not something outside of the band situation thats causing this change....