Bad Neighbor Kid, Mom Who Does Not Discipline and Complains About Her Behavior

It's ok... don't beat yourself up over it. I'll give you my situation from the other day. For some reason 3 of the women on my block don't watch their kids (ages 2 - 6) that closely. It drives me nuts... These kids just run everywhere.

One of the 3 year old boys has a mean streak and keeps targeting my daughter (17 mos). He walks over to her and pushes her down for no reason. Elizabeth doesn't cry, but she is confused and I don't want her to learn this behavior. So after the 3rd time (all different days), I had it... I said "NO" in a loud voice. The 3 year old started crying and went to his mother. I apologized and she made the statement that some women are just overly protective of their first babies. I told her "No, that is the 3rd time and he needs to stop." I picked up Elizabeth and went inside. I haven't been out to play with that kid again.

I'm sure I will be back out there sometime, but I'm not ready yet. So, I guess what I'm saying is you did what your gut told you to do. Let it go. It will blow over. We can't raise other peoples' kids no matter how frustrating it is, but we can protect our own.

GL!

Have you talked to her about it? I think if it were me I'd just say "I wanted to apologize for my outburst the other day. It's not my place to tell you how to raise your kids, but I was frustrated because your daughter was being disrespectful to you. However, you weren't asking my advice, you were wanting a friend to vent to. So, please know that I'm sorry. If you would like advice or tricks I've tried with my kids, or to know some of the books I've read, I'd be glad to discuss it with you, but otherwise, I'll keep my mouth shut and go back to just being your friend."

DOn't worry - that mom has made her bed and is NOW lying in it. She will have to deal with what she has allowed to go on in her own house.

I would only worry if your kids start to pick up habits from her kids. Then I would IMMEDIATELY school your kids on what is acceptable and what is not. And I would not be afraid to tell your kids, "What that mom is doing is not right." Don't be afraid to tell your kids, but also don't belittle her. They need to know what is expected from them, by you and that your expectations also are in effect even when you're not around.

I'm sure you already do that.

And, one more thing... don't be so hard on yourself in the "about me" section when you say, "Lord only knows why" (my husband is still with me after 10 years.) Have value in yourself!

I have the same situation. Fortunately, my neighbor asked my opinion after I'd been watching her kids for a week or so, and they received loving discipline at my "hand". We've been neighbors for about 6-8 months or so, and I'm her "best friend," but I counsel her every other day about how to discipline the kids. I have 3 VERY well-behaved children who play with not-so-well-behaved children *all the time*. Yes, it is more work to allow them to play with the unruly kids, but it's worth it to me to give them the opportunity to make the right decision in the face of peer pressure (while they're still young enough to trust and respect me naturally ;)).
IMHO, I think that if she's acting like nothing happened, then take it as she's forgiven you for blowing up at her, but next time she complains about her daughter's behavior, pretend you're Super Nanny, and give her firm, constructive advice, such as "If my child acted in that manner [be specific], I'd discipline in this way[again, specific]" If she accuses you of being judging, or whatever (because she knows you're right, but doesn't want to deal with her kid RIGHT NOW, she'd rather visit with you), just explain that you assumed her complaining about her daughter was, in fact, asking for help! (It probably was, but she probably won't admit it) ;)
Sorry it's so long, but I have been dealing with this exact situation for a while now, and I am seeing definite progress with the children (3 and 8, and the 8 yo is WORSE!!), and *both* parents! :) If you want to keep her as a friend, or just remain civil neighbors, you need to be honest, but gentle, which is possible if you address the issue a little at a time. (Don't wait until the 3rd or 4th time she complains in a conversation, discuss it the FIRST time, much like you would train a child in the right way to do things). Remember that you're helping the child way more than you're helping the mother or yourself. Neither of them may appreciate it now, but it's worth the effort! :)

You sound like a great mom who has all the answers! I am a mother of four semi-grown kids and grandmother of one. I remember looking at people like you and admiring your children's behavior. I felt like although I tried my best every day and looked to God for help and wisdom, I would never know how to do it just right, because what worked for one child didn't always work for the others. Every day brought new challenges, and I found myself looking for new solutions to old problems.
As the children grew older, I saw behavior problems in the "perfect" children as well as in my own. The mothers with all the answers suddenly had some problems themselves. If your children don't misbehave in public, don't be so quick to pat yourself on the back and judge other moms. We all get up each day and do the very best we can with what we have. Give grace to moms who seem to be struggling. You never know what is in their past, how they were parented, etc. Be gentle and be loving as you try to impart your words of wisdom.
It could be you one day who desperately needs grace and kindness when facing problems with rebellious teens!!

I probably would have done a worse job of being PC. Many parents let things get out of hand because they don't have any role models for effective parenting - which it sounds like you are one. The best advice I've ever heard for dealing with toddlers and pre-schoolers is "Move your body instead of your mouth." ie. Talking to a kid across the room doesn't work. You have to get in their face and have their entire attention and use good communication tactics, like make sure they are looking at you and are paying attention - say 1 foot from their face, get feedback to see if they understood, and set consistent consequences/rewards that are consistent for compliance. Sometimes "noise" in the communication channel messes it all up and nobody understands what happened. Same thing happens in communications everywhere, but it doesn't have to if these general principals become habit.

Perhaps she just wanted to vent? It might have been more helpful to clarify with her before you went off on her parenting. If she wanted advice, sharing what works with your kids might be helpful, or point her towards any resources that have been helpful.

Frankly, if that had been me, after that statement I would not be spending any more time with you.

If the kid misbehaves, that's annoying enough, but if the kid misbehaves and the mom complains about it and doesn't take charge, that's really, really annoying! I probably would have said something, too. (Though I might have worded it a bit more tactfully. ;) )

I am glad your friend didn't take offense, and maybe your excellent advice about acting like a mom instead of trying to be a friend will sink in. I only have one living child, and much as I adore her, I do not let her behave badly. I often tell myself that she will have lots of friends, but only one mom, so I have to step up and make her behave. Luckily, she's good natured, so I don't have to work too hard to keep her in line.

Hi A.!

Wow! You know, many times people are thinking the exact same thing but will not say anything due to the fear of disapproval from their peers. It seems to me that you are a true friend to this woman and maybe you should talk with her (when her kids aren't around) about the situation and explain to her your point of view. Hopefully she'll understand.

Hope this helps!

http://www.yarncoture.etsy.com

I too hate it when parents don't dicipline their kids. Spankings done correctly work! I have 2 children to prove it. (A 23 year old son and a 21 1/2 yr old daughter) "Pain and disobedience must go hand in hand". Because we tried to give them equal doses of Love, God and the Rod, they are well balanced, independent thinkers and a joy to be around. Both my children have a 4.0 in college, future plans and are saving themselves for marriage. I say all this to encourage you that no matter what "society" says, spankings do work.

As for your neighbor, you can't make anyone do anything. Since you have already given your advice, don't say another word. If she complains again, tell her you already told her what she needs to do. Absolutely don't let your children around the unruly child. (Muddy water mixed with clean water makes MUDDY water!)

Kids like that can weigh on you and bring you down so if she is not going to dicipline her child, you don't need that heaviness. Avoid her and maybe she'll get the message, otherwise you'll have to tell her why you don't want to be around that child.

I recommend any books by Michael Pearl to give to her. His site is No Greater Joy. I hope this helps!

I agree that you should apologize. Not for what you said, but how it came across. Then leave it to her to bring the subject up again. Pray that God will give you wisdom, grace, and patience, if she does bring it up.