Bad Mommy - Chicago,IL

My sister started talking a super complex vitamin B and 2 fish oils in the morning and 2 again at night....she said it helped her with stress, so I tried and I will try you it did help. I think everyone else's advice is great too. This was something that worked for my sister and me and that it was simple enough you could try it too. My sister's doctor told her to take this and it would help with her with her mood swings.

Hi J.,

First, hugs to you! I understand what you are going through. I've had this happen to me two different "times." The first was right after baby #2 was born (PPD) and the second time was when I was on a ridiculous amount of hormones trying to control my period (I've since had a hysterectomy).

I call it "kick the dog" disorder, the difference is it is your oldest that is the dog getting kicked.

You're right, you don't want this to continue. It isn't fair to your daughter who really hasn't done anything to deserve the wrath of "bad mommy."

Talk to you GYN and see if you can do/take anything to help you. I just read another post on here asking for something similar....

I have to say I am impressed that you admitted your feelings and posted them. I could barely tell my husband that I was having any issues. I also want to thank you. I would never have had the guts to admit it in writing. Hopefully, you will also help others on here who may be going through the same thing. It helps to know that you're not the only one.

Best wishes to you. Take care of this SOON. :) Your little girl is not at fault for getting on YOUR nerves.

I was you, about three years ago. I have terrible PM's, and had to do something about it. My poor husband was the brunt of most of it. My son, was , for the most part spared. I also was having terrible family problems with my father, and was stressed out. I met with my Obgyn about it. She put me on birth control. I have been very pleasant person since. I have minor flare-ups now, and am in control.

Your daughter is acting out because of your negativity. Children are very susceptible to negative tension. No book is going to change this relationship. I would talk with your doctor about your feelings, moods,etc. Their is a disorder called PMD ( pre-menstraul disorder). I believe this is what you have, and it is not something that can just be fixed. It's a hormonal imbalance more or less.

What helps me, is if I feel it coming on, I go into my room, shut the door, and give myself a time out. It is better to leave the room then to take it out on someone else.

Added: You are NOT a bad mommy! Good that you leave to your bedroom too. Remember that these are temporary feelings, and that you can change how you feel at anytime.Focus on something positive, and keep your focus on that. Maybe teach your daughter how to braid her hair, or ask her if you can braid it for her. Spend some small time each day showing her that you care and love her. Doing this , even when you aren't feeling well will change things for the better.

I don't have good specific advice, but please find a way to stop being irritated at her. I guarantee you that she feels your irritation with her, and much of her behavior is driven by the fact that, on some level, mommy doesn't like her as much.

When your kids are basically grown, and you stand where I am, you will so regret your inability to control these feelings. Take my word for this -- 3-1/2 is so very, very young, just a baby really, even though she looks much bigger than your 2 year old. And when you watch those videos of her sweet little voice years from now, your heart will break.

My main suggestion is -- RELAX. Sticky hair DOES NOT MATTER. Most things she does that bug you DO NOT MATTER. Having socks on or not DOES NOT MATTER. Try letting go of most of what she does for a few days, and see what happens. Stop fighting the battles with her. She won't die with sticky hair and no socks; she will grow into the person she was meant to be regardless of how you try to improve her; and you want memories of warm times with her, and a close relationship, not the opposite.

I think going to the bedroom for a minute is a good idea. And I'm glad you don't yell. Now just convince yourself that, "Don't sweat the small stuff, and IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF," and you will have a happy life with your daughter.

Life is so, so short. And we stress ourselves out over nothing.

I don't know about books, J., but I'd really go to your gyn and ask for some medicine to get you through your PMS.

You might want to talk to a counselor about it - maybe the counselor could give you some "exercises" (mental ones LOL!) to do when you "feel" a certain way, ones that would help you prevent the yelling. If you could stop the yelling before it starts, you might be able to turn your negative feelings about her personality into more positive ones. (Do they call that cognitive therapy? Sorry - not a psych major - I just seem to remember someone using that term, and it kind of stuck in my head.)

I do think that this is important enough that you want to get some help. It won't be long before she starts responding to your negative feelings toward her by acting out and making you feel this way a whole lot more. And then snuggly son will start to mimic his big sister...

Hugs to you, J.. This CAN get better if you work hard on it - go get help!!

Dawn

It took about 6 months for me to get back to hormone normal after the end of nursing. I'm a yeller & have to work constantly to keep it in check. If I am tired or something is off it will crop up.

I read parenting books constantly to remind me what they are doing is normal & a part of development not just to make me crazy.
I've taken some love & logic seminars, and recently read easy to love hard to discipline. It all helps.

What has helped me is time to myself (hard to do).
SIGN up for a MOPS group NOW! it really helped to have a few minutes to myself & to be around other moms at the same point. They have child care.
http://www.mops.org/

I also do a bible study, I have not been very religious but was raised catholic & figured I'd check out this bible thing. It has been amazing for my attitude, it helps me realize it's not just me I part of something bigger. Plus again, a moment to myself for clarity and peace. And they have child care.
http://www.communitybiblestudy.org/

I give you credit for saying out loud things many people cannot, and HUGS!
Also, my daughter constantly has stuff in her hair. I almost hate to say it but a third, will make this even harder.

Please try to break this pattern, words hurt too.

Hmm...
I think you need a little perspective and a little break here.
Perspective, as: she doesn't feel like sharing today or her hair is a mess - is that the end of the world? No, whatever, move on, we try again tomorrow (remember Scarlet O'Hara?). No one is perfect, and there is always another day, you have many years to make sure the end product is worthy of your quality stamp.
And break, like: enroll her in some classes (dancing, gymnastics, etc) she will have an activity - you will get a breather. Or get a sitter for a few hours and get away from them all.
Another thing, do not forget that even if your daughter is the oldest, she is a small child. If she was the only one, would you expect the same level of maturity from her?
And stop calling yourself bad mommy (I hate that term!). My Mother always said: "Bad mother is the one that is alcoholic or on drugs, that is not able to control herself and harming her kids. Everyone else is just a normal good mother."
Hugs and good luck.

Please talk to your doctor!

You are aware of the problem, that's being a good mother. Making changes where changes need made, that's being a good mother. Only if you feed these negative thoughts, feelings and actions by not doing anything about them can you question yourself as a mother.

You've identified the problem and you've begun to take action (yoga, sleep, etc.). IMO, if you think this is hormone related you need to make seeing your doc the next step towards moving past this challenge. Good luck and kudos to your for putting yourself out there and asking for help.

J.,

I can understand your frustration. Good for you for coming and asking for help! One thing that may help alot is to write down some affirmations. When your child is especially upsetting/annoying etc. to you--you tell yourself something like this " I love my child, this is temporary, take some deep breaths and smile. Even if you don't want to, it will help!!! I know it may sound strange, but changing your mindset is more than half the battle. Your daughter is only young once----cherish her and tell her every day that you love her, spend quality time with her, read to her, play with her etc. No matter how bad you feel, you have to pull yourself out of it and not let your emotions get in the way of your relationship with her. Take time outs frequently for you so that you don't get to that breaking point. It will help----I am wishing you the best and hope that things get better ASAP.

M

This is something I struggle with as well, but not for PMS reasons. I understand how difficult it is to know you shouldn't be getting upset about these things but it is so difficult to change your reaction. It is horrible to feel guilty about it and you don't know what to do differently either. I also notice things ratchet up for both of us in the winter and when my son is at a half birthday when he is integrating his new skills in his development.

I have been reading and have found helpful the book Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It came to mind because you mention you want that connected relation with your daughter, which the author emphasizes. She discusses the importance of understanding our own and our kids personalities and temperaments to connect with our kids and to avoid the conflict in the first place. I have read lots of parenting books and discussed "tips" with friends but looking back I have realized that until I understand my son's temperament no matter what the books or friends advise, if I am misunderstanding where my son is coming from, the suggestions are hit and miss if the work or not for his and my personality.

Good luck to you. It is a tough being a parent (hormones or not)

I want to second the response about sensory issues which my son also has and is a sensory seeker who crashes into M.. It can be very difficult to deal with but OT has also been helpful for us as well.

I can relate...my DD has ADHD and has always known how to push my buttons. You want to like them (you'll always love them), but when you are burnt out, it becomes very, very hard.

As for the PMS - try getting some Emerita brand Bio-indentical Progesterone cream. Use 1/4 tsp each day starting at ovulation until the day your period starts. So, 2 weeks per month. This should help your PMS.

As for your DD's crashing - she may have Sensory Processing Dysfunction and need OT. If she is sensory seeking that would make sense that she's always crashing into you and other things. The sock thing can be sensory too as it is uncomfortable. My DD refused to wear socks. I could be wrong since I only have this one comment to go on, but look it up and see if it matches other stuff.

We found by following the Feingold diet of removing artificials and preservatives BHA, BHT and TBHQ, most of her sensory issues have gone away. It has also helped control her ADHD tremendously.

It's hard, but you sound like a smart woman that is finding the ways to take care of yourself. Don't forget to continue to do that. Do you have a gym membership where you can leave the kids for a couple hours while you workout? That's great for you too.

H.

I felt this way when I had postpartum depression. I eventually started taking St. John's Wort, fish oil, and a huge dose of vitamin D (4000 IU I think), each day, along with acupunture a couple times a week (my hubby is an acupuncturist, so that part was easy for me). I started feeling MUCH better within a week. I stayed on this regimen for a few months and I could tell within a day or two if I had forgotton to take some of the pills. Now I don't do it daily anymore, but when I hit a rough patch I take the pills again and feel better much faster. Good luck!

Please get some help. With your education youshould know it's not healthy or normal to vent on a 3.5 yr old. There's more going in here than pms. Do it for your and your daughters sake. That could really mess her up, always being the recipient of such negativity, especially when you seem to favor little brother. Keep it up and you're in for a terrible teenager. Not to say that we all don't have these feeling sometimes, it's difficult being a parent, especially when your husband travels, but please don't take it out on a toddler.

Updated

Hi J.,

I'm responding late on this one, but wanted to share my experience. I have suffered terribly with PMS and since having my third baby two years ago, it's been awful. Two months ago, I finally went to see my GYN and started taking Ortho tri cyclen. I feel so much better. This last month, I had no PMS and I barely even knew I had my period. It made my periods, shorter and lighter and so far the PMS is gone. I don't know why I waited so long. I have also heard that taking a Calcium Supplement along with a Super B vitamin can help with PMS. I feel like it's really helped how I deal with my parenting stress as well. My oldest, a daughter, is now 9. We have been butting heads since she was a toddler. We are too much alike (always have to have things our way, stubborn, strong-willed, you name it...) She literally drives me crazy almost every day. I love her with my whole heart, but I oftentimes I feel like I don't like her very much. This has made me so sad over the years and makes me feel like a terrible person and mom. I feel like my relationship with her two younger brothers is so much better, and I worry that she senses that too. I recently read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it has been a revelation. I see that my daughter and I both have "spirited" temperments. The difference is, I'm the adult so I really have to try and be careful about how I react to her. When I get annoyed, irritated, angry, and raise my voice, she has a similar reaction. When everyone is yelling, nobody can hear anything. Another helpful tool is the Love and Logic program. It stresses calm, cool and collected responses to situations and natural consequences for bad behavior. It is a daily challenge, but I hope that we can one day have a really great relationship. She is my one and only daughter, and I don't want to feel like we can't stand each other. I try to spend some one-on-one time with her each day. It's usually right before she goes to bed because her brothers are already in bed. We read together, or just spend a few minutes looking at her American Girl magazines or talking about her day. I also try to take her shopping with me on the weekends, so it's just the two of us. I need to do more of that, but I also have a husband that is not home much in the evening. Good luck to you! I hope you can see your doctor and figure out what you need to help get your hormones under control. You have to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of anyone else. Best wishes!