Lately, my usually soft natured son (5 years old) is displaying some odd behavior that I can't seem to figure out... Perhaps he's under slept, but he still takes naps at least 4-5 days of the week. He is in a three day preschool (half day) program. Lately, he has had a lot of attitude towards me and is back talking a lot. He's grumpy right from the get go and has actually borderline started to criticize me...example, "you always say no" when he asked for his note book in the car and it wasn't with us. I told him I wasn't saying no, it was just the simple fact that the book wasn't in the car. He's also been complaining that I'm always "bugging him". This happens when I am guiding him through his day...he seems bothered that I'm always telling him what to do... and his replies are full of attitude, volume, and disrespect. I feel I must nip this in the bud before he thinks it's ok to disrespect his mother.Of course he is my first, so yeah, I clearly understand we don't have to be friends... but I also don't want my child to resent his mother either. In my opinion, I don't think I bark orders at all...if anything the opposite...I offer choices, but yes - I am still directing the flow of the day. Maybe he just needs some free time but any feedback would be great! How do other mothers handle first, not getting their feeling hurt when their child is disrespecting them (how do you not take it personally) and two and much more importantly how do you parent the backtalk and attitude? What are the punishments and where are the lines?
Hi All!
Well, first let me say thank you all so much. I feel so grateful to all of you for responding. So here is my conclusion in three parts easiest to difficult. 1) Give him some independence by way of a chart with his responsibilities. He can refer to that and not have to feel frustration. I can predict my son will respond very well to this idea. 2) Simply explaining my expectations of what kind of talk is acceptable. Teaching him that tone is important. Gentle reminders... but if need be a a consequence if he's refusing to yield. I've always thought it to be important to let him have feelings and be allowed to voice them... but found myself frustrated. Now, I see that I can have it both ways. He just needs to voice his feelings and frustrations without disrespecting others, especially his mother. 3)Trying to find the root problem. So many of you touched on preschool. And I concur! Here's the rub: He has a small class. Either he feels he fits in or he feels left out. We've had some playdates with two of the three boys with good results. I've not with the third boy as my son really doesn't want him to come to our house. But, that boy is probably where the problem lies. So perhaps I will set something up at the park or playground. There are literally only four boys total in the class including my son. I also think I will volunteer if I'm permitted...which brings me to my next problem, his teachers. I really think much of his frustration is stemming from how he is treated by them. I am going to post to that issue and title it Problems with Teacher; How to Handle? Thanks again to all of you. I can't thank you enough for your valuable feedback!
He's getting this behavior from the other kids. Talk to the preschool and see if they are noticing the same behavior. ..or he might be getting picked on by the other kids and taking it out on you becuase he feels he can't take it out on the ones picking on him.
Good luck,
Nanc
Some of this (maybe not all) sounds as if he wants more independence. See if you can work out a system with him on things he can do without your "bugging." When you know you will be getting in the car tell him "we will be going . . . if you want to take A, B or C with you put them in your day bag." A magnetic chart (w/ pictures/symbols are good) of things that need to be done that day might help--that way he can self direct when to do certain things or see his own progress towards the daily "chores" (wash face, get dressed, brush teeth, put toys in bag for the car, etc).
Also, set aside a time to talk to him and ask why he feels the need to be disrespectful. Explain how you feel when he raises his voice to you and gives you attitude; find out if there is something that is actually troubling him about his daily routine. Maybe there is something wrong at preschool or it could be something as simple as him feeling that he can do something by himself that you "help" him with too much.
Hi R.,
It could just be him testing the waters and it could also be some social problems he is having at school and is frustrated. I own a preschool and I also have a full day kindergarten program and I can tell you five is a difficult time socially for some children. My teachers and I are very sensitive to this and do everything in our power to address situations and conflict as it occurs. Most children at this age do not know how to put their feelings into words and do not know how do resolve conflict. I would try to spend some time talking to your son in a pleasant situation out of the house (like going for ice cream together, or taking a walk to the park etc) and see if he will open up to you about his feelings. I am not in any way saying that this behavior is acceptable I am all about consequences and children showing respect, however I think I would try to see if I could get to the bottom of his behavior as well. I would also suggest you speak with his preschool teacher and see if she is noticing his frustration and moodiness as well. Most of all don't take it personally if our children can't let their feelings out with us who can they do it with!!! Wait until they are teenagers you are going to look at them and say are these my kids!!!! Because our children know we have unconditional love for them this is the place they are most comfortable to let it all out. I remember the first time my son who is now 24 year old lied to me as a teen I was horrified. I felt how could he I am a great mom I don't deserve it. My husband then asked me how many times did you lie to your parents. And that's when the light bulb went off and I realized it wasn't me he was just being a teen and testing the waters. Hang in there mommy you are doing a great job!! Good luck!!
Hey R......my 5 year old started with the same type of behavior over the last few months. I'm sure part of it is just a natural part of growing up and other is probably learned at school. However, it doesn't mean we have to put up with it. I don't feel guilty about teaching my boys proper behavior. You should feel guilty if you DON't teach them. I just bought the book 1-2-3 Magic. wORKED IN A DAY. NO KIDDING!!!!!! Answers all your questions. Good luck!
Your son is going through the 'other kid' syndrome. Im sure he is observing this behavior in school and testing it out on you. If it works with another mom it might work with you. Don't argue with him or respond when he is fresh. Tell him if he is disrespectful he will be put in time out. Of course he doesnt know what the word means but he will find out as soon as he disrespectful. If he says why are you "bugging him?' Thats not really bad, just ignore him. But if he orders you to stop bugging him, then he has stepped over the line. He is entitled to voice his opinion as long as its done with respect.
Hi R.,
Sorry to hear that your little guy is causing you grief. I have 5 children, 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10. There are times when they talk back - even my 2 year old! Just remember that children like to test their limits, and we are all human - and equal in our worth. Your son might be reacting to all manner of things - we had trouble with 3 of our children not wanting to go to pre K, and so they would cause all sorts of trouble... we just took it one day at a time and focused on the positive, and the fact that school is their "job" just like adults have jobs. When your son talks back to you, just let him know in a kind way that it hurts your feelings, and that he shouldn't talk to you like that - you love him so very much. I don't think it's wise to punish (after having tried that...) your child for this kind of behavior - that will just lead to more resentment. (My 10 year old will loose privileges if she cannot talk in a more respectful manner, but she knows it's her decision). Your son is only 5, so let him know how you feel and leave it alone. Change the subject. We're all grumpy sometimes, and having a mom to support us in a positive way can sure turn things around :)
All my best to you!
Hi! I was wondering if you could maybe volunteer at your son's class one day because I have done this once a week since the middle of last year & I realize that most of the behaviors are learned. The other thing would be to consider how much of this you are going to tolerate as far as the attitude - I think that most children at this age are just trying to figure out how far they can push us. My daughter was 5 in November and I've noticed her behavior become a bit more out of hand now because she's trying to act like the children at school. I don't think there is such a thing as a bad child, but there are a whole lot out there that try to gain the influence over our children. My daughter has been spoken to by my husand and myself several times. I just try to remind her that in Sept she'll be in Big Kid School and that this isn't tolerated. My older daughter knew not to test me, whereas my youngest likes to jump rope w/my last nerve. Good luck!
R., my oldest is 4 years old and I have noticed that he talks back at me or yells at me and he doesn't go to school. I am planning on homeschooling him because I feel that is the best thing for him in more ways than one, but I do think it's the age and your son my be getting it at school and/or maybe someone is picking on him. I would talk to him as I have done and am doing with my oldest. i told him right out in love that he is not to talk to me with that tone and that he is disrespecting me. I told him that he is to honor mommy and daddy because God says so and I explanned to him what that means and he's doing much better now and he knows he will be disciplined if he does it again. They are still testing us to see how much they can get away with it and disciplining is really up to you what you think fits the actions and disrepect but make sure you follow with it to let him know that you are not putting up with it and that you are not telling him to do things to hurt him but that they are his responsiblity...like pickung up after himself. He is a big boy now and now is the time to start him cleaning up after himself and my oldest still needs naps too but my second one whom I have trouble getting to nap at a decent time, but he falls asleep about 4:30P and that is not good at all. My third one naps one or two times a day but mostly just once a day. You need to let him know what you don't like him doing and why you have him do some things and ask him if there is anything going on in school that may be making him unhappy and that you are there to help him, and will do what is right to make him happy. You can check with the school if they notice anything....let us know and will keep you in prayer.
Hi R.,
dealing with the problem is one thing, but I would look very closely at his friends at preschool or elsewhere. What he says sounds very much to me as if he is echoing something that he hears being said. If so, it is much easier to address with making clear that he should not repeat what he hears from X and that is not how you want to communicate.
Hi R.. Regarding his objection to telling him what to do, I've offered my son the option of doing the required activities himself and remind him when he's making the choice to wait for me to tell him what to do. Morning routine for example; when he's resistant to getting ready to leave the house I remind him that if he doesn't want me to tell him what to do he can start getting ready by himself. Several reminders and often I'll have to start pushing when time runs out, but always keeping clear the choice he's making. I also ask him if he can help his mama get out of the house on time.
On the talk-back, it's harder. I'd recommend remembering to not take it personally, as the button-pushing becomes easier and you both get stressed. Often but not 100% what works is reminding when this behaviour emerges that "I don't like that kind of talking" or "That's not the way to ask for something, that's not the way to talk to your mama", etc but have to follow up with what privilege will be removed if it continues and have to follow through on those ultimatums. Fortunately, my son's preschool teacher is in sync with that approach so although he still makes attempts the behaviour doesn't last long.
Lastly, your son may be acting out a problem and not be able to articulate fear or frustration or whatever emotion is happening. Remember to be present for him even while disciplining. Social life can be very rough for kids just like work life for us can be stressful. Try to help him find a path to comfort that's more effective than acting out. Provide him with the words he needs to manage situations at school or at home when he's telling you of difficulties he has with the other kids or siblings.
Good luck. More challenges to follow for sure so take it in stride (this is the practice run for teenage years!!)
I have been having the same exact problem with my 5 year old son too. Maybe it's the age? I've had a million conversations with him, his teachers and his karate instructor. He is normally such a good kid, very well mannered, considerate and kind. Those were the exact words used by his teachers. Lately, there is always an attitude and constant backtalk. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have decided that we are going to be more mindful of the way we speak to eachother, on the phone...etc. Maybe they are mimicking us? We're also monitoring what he watches on TV. I think he may be picking things up from there too. If you get some good advice, please pass it along. I am in need of help too. Have patience (i know that's hard/impossible) and good luck. M.
hi R.,
at 5 years old your child should still want to be your friend (although i have a girl and boys may be different) however in my opinion it i do not think that it has anything to do with lack of sleeep and lucky you that he still takes nap my daughter stopped taking regular naps at the age of 2 (she is 7 now byt the way). it is a scary thing when we release our children out in the real world where they are no longer under our supervision only. you know what you values you instill in your household but unfortunatley not every one has the same values. his attitude may be coming from other children that he is around. my daughter was always at a babysitter that had many other children there also and then she started school at the age of 4. i always made it my business to sit and see who it was that she was around all day i would sit at the babysitters and talk to some of the kids or just watch them all interact with each other of their parents if they happend to be there and i make sure to know who her lillte friends are at school and talk with them and thier parents. and sure enough my daughter at times has come at me with attitude and sometimes i can pick up from who she is picking it up from but i do not point fingers and tell her not to act like so & so i simply remind tell her excuse me? and remind her that i am her mother and not one of her little friends and i say now lets try this agian and i ask her whatever it is the original question was and she gets what i am trying to say and answers the questions and she may still use the same exact words but it is the tone that is different and acceptable. don't get hurt they are still very little and are still learning who they are and these are the crucial times in their lives that we need to step in and try to direct them if you try to wait until they are older they will already be set in their ways and then they will really walk all over you. i hope i have helped you a little.
My 5 yr old son is the same way. I am starting to think it is age related. I do have a 2 month old and I thought that it might just be the adjustment time but I've heard more and more about his age just talking back and having attitudes. Really makes me wonder especially since everyone says he is really kind and sweet and caring. How come I don't see that anymore?? Sorry I don't have much advice but wanted to write and say thanks for posting as I don't feel so alone anymore and wanted to encourage you also that you are not alone in your battles with your son.
