Back to Work Full time...how Much to Demand from Husband

Oh, that's classic!
When you are working, you get as much done the night before as you can. Have the bags packed, have the kids clothes picked out, etc.
It's nice to have things nice and neat, but when my week is busy - tidy happens on the weekends.
When you are getting things ready for the kids, run out of time to do Hubby's laundry (or what ever). If he asks you what happened, tell him you had things to do. He can either help out so you have time to do laundry or he can do laundry himself.
There's only 24 hrs in a day and you can only juggle so many balls.

I have not read the other responses. Now that you are working outside the home - you should be 50-50 partners with the kids. He probably has little idea of what that actually involves and you will need to discuss it. So ask him how he sees the morning going (and picking the kids up and making dinner, etc). It will probably be easier if you had an equitable relationship before you had kids.

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL! My husband was/is rarely home in the mornings so I have always done them. But, he usually picks up from Daycare, helps with homework, etc. My kids are no 16 and 10, but he absolutely has helped out all the time. I think I may be a little on the lucky side because my husband will do it all, clean, bathe, do dishes, grocery shop, etc., etc to help me out. I told him very early on that if he insists on me working outside the house then I INSIST on him helping me 100%.

Nope, you're not being unreasonable at all. The real issue here is expectations. You expected he would help out and he expected things to carry on as normal.

Tonight I would talk to your hubby about responsibilities and schedules. What time does he have to be at work? What time do you? What time does everyone get up? Can anything be done the night before? Who makes dinner/breakfast/lunches? Does your hubby like cooking, maybe he can take over the meals part? Or if you are the cook, maybe he can load the car while you feed the kids.

Layout everyone's outfits the night before, including yours. Pack lunches the night before. Set the timer on the coffee maker to go off 5 minutes before you wake up. Shower at night if you can. These are all things that have helped our family get out the door in the morning. It's a tough job, I know!

I can understand you being stressed out this first day of a new routine. It will take some time to adjust and nail things down as far as your routine.

"Demanding" from husband is not the way to go. Are you going to help out is someone "Demands" you do it? That is just postering for an argument, hurt feelings and a fight.

Communication is key. CALMLY communicate your feelings with hubby at a time when it is calm for everyone. Don't confront him, just talk about how you are feeling with the new changes and how you would appreciate a little extra right now as you are adjusting.

You hubby is not your child..... "Demanding" and treating him like one will not get you far.

Oh yes it does!! He needs to get up, not laze around and do 1/2 of it! It takes 2 now! Just be honest. Tell him that he has to help now. You're not there all day to handle everything, so yep, it's 50/50 in the morning now as well as 50/50 in the p.m.
I hate the dishes, so I put them away and hubby washes. I like washing the laundry, hubby doesn't. So he puts it away. I hate taking out the trash, so I gather it, etc.
Gotta compromise. Talk it through and figure out a plan! :)

No you are not being unreasonable. I am a full time working mom to a 4 year old and 4 1/2 mo old. It's a tremendous amount of work getting them out of the house in the morning. My husband and I share the load. We take care of 1 kid per parent- we make sure our "assigned" kid is clothed, fed, mess cleaned up, etc before leaving the house.This morning I had the baby, and he had my son. We switch up sometimes. It's the same at night. I get the baby bathed, fed, and to bed- he does the same for our son. If I cook, he cleans up, and vice versa. Maybe you could suggest something similar. Perhaps he is unsure what the expectations are. Hope this helps!

You need to have a calm conversation with him -- not during the morning rush. Split up the morning chore distribution if you can. I am a control freak so I do the total morning thing myself BUT we have divided making lunches (split every other day) for the kids, he empties the dishwasher, he takes out the garbage from inside to the can and recycling and takes it to the curbs/back, he does all the outside chores, and he sorts the laundry loads. I do all the laundry/folding, load the dishwasher, cook, get the kids dressed/hair/teeth in the morning (he splits it with me at night), and he plays with them after work so I can cook and decompress a bit. In exchange, I let him have his 15-20 min showers in the morning (ugh) while I take 5 minute ones at the gym before anyone is even awake. We are both full-time attorneys who have a 45 minute by train commute each way daily and we have a 3.5 yo, 2 yo and another one on the way. It takes a lot to get things together in the morning but the time to force change (as I have learned) is NOT when you are already stressed. Just explain that things have changed with you going back to work and now you need him to pull his fair share of morning duties...divvy it up (but honestly let him do what he will be best/quickest at because we all know the majority of men do things slower or not as good as we do - in my "not so humble" opinion) :)

best of luck!

I can tell you my husband needs very specific jobs. Clean up the kitchen means nothing to him. load the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor, that works. and drives me CRAZY! but, it took years to figure it out. maybe that is what your husband needs too.

First of all...forget about DEMANDING anything...you need to approach your husband in a calm and loving way....treat him as your partner...not as someone who somehow needs to be "told" what is expected of him. Think of how you would want him to broach this subject with you if the situations were reversed. ( And yes...I am somehow sure that you would not be sitting at the computer...ignoring the chaos all around you if it were...but don't bring that point up...lol).
Have him help you find a solution to this. He has probably been drinking his coffee at the computer for a long time in the morning...maybe he needs to start doing that earlier in the day...while the children are still asleep. Brainstorm together how the two of you can help your mornings go more smoothly...treat your husband with the respect and honor that you want him to treat you with. I bet it will all work out...it just takes a little resourcefulness on both of your parts.

Deep breaths.

No, you are not being unreasonable, but you should approach this as you and your husband are a team. Getting out the door in the morning is a team effort and how can you two go about doing that? Tell him that since you are working, you are going to need more help from him with the kids and the housework.

Divy up the duties and do tag-team parenting. While he gets ready and showers, you feed the kids. While you finish getting ready, he gets the kids dressed and teeth brushed. Or something like that.

Be honest and tell him this morning really stressed you out and that you need his help. What you don't need is him ignoring you or brushing you off. Stress that you are a team. It will get easier as you guys get into a different routine.

Remember, it's not just a huge change for you - it's a huge change for your husband too. He isn't used to you needing him in the morning. And if your husband is anything like my husband, he's going to fight you on changing his routine tooth and nail. Although, my husband will step up when I ask him.

I recommend you writing down (physically) how you're feeling and get all the negative emotions out. You should be calm, cool and collected with a sample schedule when you present it to your husband.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Nope! You're not being unreasonable at all...I'm a working mom and my husband definitely has to pitch in...both in the morning AND the evening. We talked about what things he needs to cover and sometimes I have to remind him but it works.

I also recommend ordering your groceries online...vons.com is awesome! Skipping Target and getting everything from diapers.com and soap.com (they are sister sites with a join shopping cart) and hiring someone to clean your house. Also recommend figuring out what you can just let go of...for instance, I don't make beds during the week. I'd rather there were done, but just can't make that happen and keep myself sane.

Good luck!
-M

Not unreasonable at all, but trying to ask for help when u r already "frazzled" would only lead to a fight. I handled it like this - hope it helps :) When my husband came back home in the evening I calmly told him that (after I put the kids to bed) I needed some time to talk to him. (Always warn your man in advance - NEVER interrupt if his watching TV!). I sat down with him and said: "I feel that I can't come with doing everything for the family and working as well. Since we need the income I'm bringing in, how do you think we could solve this problem? (Then STAY QUIET!!! - the person who talks first loses!!) You'll see that after thinking about it he'll come up with something like, maybe I can make breakfast for the kids while you shower, to which you say, great idea! (Baby steps ... slowly he'll start doing more and more). Don't "nag" or try to "guilt" him into helping (it doesn't work). If he really isn't willing to help, use the direct approach "I feel I can't work and do everything around the house too. Will you please take care of the following chores from now on? (give list). If he still objects - especially if he says something really dumb like "that's a woman's job" then you reply with, "Fine then, I'll hand in my resignation at work tomorrow ... after all providing enough money for the family is "man's job". Believe me, he'll get the message and do his share! Good luck!! :)

I agree, your hubby needs to step it up. Parenting needs to be a 50/50 split no matter who works. I am a SAHM, and still my hubby pulls his share. He recognizes that being a SAHM is a full time job with overtime. I would give your hubby a list of all the things that you do everyday and ask him which ones he feels he can effectively take over to help you out. My hubby chose to get up with the kids in the morning and get them breakfast and dressed. I pack their lunches and get everything ready for school. At the end of the day he will shower my son and get the kids in their PJ's, brush their teeth, and put them to bed (although most times we both do this). I usually give my daughter a bath. He handles all the outside chores, trash, and will wash dishes or pick up the living room when I ask him to. He also helps with schoolwork about twice a month (I homeschool our oldest).

Have a good talk with him and try to divide up the house duties. Hopefully in another month or so you will both have adjusted to the new schedule.

Welcome to your new life having TWO full time jobs! Don't worry, you will adjust. Starting a job is a major life change. Hubby will have to adjust too. He may not like it at first but he will have no choice.

I would have been steaming too seeing him sitting with his coffee! I am also the one in charge of schlepping my two kids off the Grandma's in the morning, and schlepping them (and their ever-growing pile of stuff) home again after work. My kids are 3.5 and 10 months, so I know exctly how much stuff you were probably piling in your car this morning!

I do a lot the day before (bags packed, my lunch prepared, and I try NOt to go to bed with the kitchen messy because that makes it impossible the next day). My husband would prefer to relax and watch TV in the evenings after work. This does not fly in a household with two working parents, he has to step up and either make dinner, clean up dinner, give kids a bath, or at the very least WATCH them while I do all that stuff. Some nights it can get... stressful. When he "just wants to relax" and starts to feel sorry for himself for not being able to or get attitude about helping. It can be difficult, frustrating... I stick to my guns because about what needs to get accomplished every evening I go cookoo midweek if I do not stay on top of things at let it pile up.

You are not being unreasonable at all. You don't know how often I have to remind my husband "listen dude, I worked all day too but I HAVE to make us some dinner now and you HAVE to keep the kids happy while I do it". I find it really hard to strike the right balance between NOT being a nagging demanding wife, but also not letting him get away with too much by just getting it all done myself. I'm learning when to just let it go and do the "supermom" thing, and when to put my foot down about what I need him to do.
You'll find your balance too.

In a word? NO. But, as my grandmother used to say, "you catch more flies with honey". So here is my suggestion. Don't talk to hubby while you are still upset. Come from the "I" position not the "you did or didn't". Explain to him that this is a new routine for the FAMILY, not just you and that the FAMILY needs to work as a team. Ask him what he would be comfortable doing to make the morning smoother rather than demand what he do. My hubby says "You can be right or happy, but usually not both at the same time" - so my advice, be happy, communicate cleanly. State your needs and expectations. Because you ARE right - but I want you to be happy too!!

Sounds like your hubby does not want you to work outside the home. Discuss this feelings on this. tell him you cannot do it all by yourself and still be a good mom. Ask him if he would prefer to work a second job to help finances and you will go back to doing everything around the house and for the kids. Let him be part of the decision making process. Either he agrees to do ____ and ________ and __________ or you cannot work outside the home. If he doesnt want you to work outside the home but you want to then you need to hire help. You cannot start down the road of doing everything you did as a SAHM and working you need him to step up to the plate NOW. I agree do not demand just get him involved in a discussion and keep ASKING him how can we do this?? What are his ideas? Tell him now that the kids are a little older it is very important for them that their father becomes more involved in their lives and in raising them Ask what does he think he could do to become more involved in his children's lives? Just keep asking and asking (not telling) for his input. If necessary say we'll discuss this some ore tomorrow night.

Hi L., i hear you, this situation is WAY to common. Times are changing and sadly, our culture did not change with it. More woemn are working outside the home AND inside the home. And hubby, well, often they have very little responsibilities. It is up to you and your husband to come up with a plan that is acceptable for both of you.
If he wants you to do everything around the house, then you can not be expected to work outside of the home.
If he wants you to work outside the home,t hen you can not be expected to do everything around the house.
There is no demands, just simple math. Everything can not be done the way it used to when things change.
My suggestion is to sit down with your husband and a list of EVERYTHING that has to be done in your home, from dressing the kids to laundry to washing the baseboards...EVERYTHING. Write down the hours that you both are home, the time the responsibilities need to be done by etc. Yes I am saying to run your home like a business. What are your hours of operations? What roles do each staff member play? When are you "closed"? When are vacation days? All of that needs to be looked at. Otherwise you are spending your days running to catch up. My next eBook is called Your Family Rules, How to Win the Real Game of Life.

L., your family is your team. get them on a game plan and move forward. (use sports analogies, your hubby might like that ;)

B.
Family Success Coach

I have a friend who went through exactly the same thing.
She was always SO mad! But, she had to realize that in all honesty, she had spoiled everyone so much. It wasn't just her husband, it was her kids too. They were old enough to help with things and they just expected her to do everything like she always had.
What you have to do is calmly talk to your husband about everything that goes into getting things done and ready not just in the mornings, but the evenings too.
Annie is right. Even though there is so little time at night, getting into a routine of getting as much ready for the next morning in the evening time is a true life-saver.
I raised two kids alone as a single mom and didn't have help at night or in the mornings, and a routine that everyone gets used to is the only way to make it go as smoothely as possible. This is new to all of you, and it may take some time, but you can work together to make things easier on every body.
Mornings can be hectic no matter how prepared you are. It just happens sometimes.
TWO people working together can really make half the work for both, but you have to work together. Getting mad or nagging usually just causes a husband to shut down and tune you out.
Plead nicely for help. It worked for my friend.
Now she doesn't even have to ask for help with things, her husband and kids just do them because they are in the routine of it.

I wish you the best. Things will get easier as you go.

No, you are not being unreasonable, however up until today, you have taught him how to behave (because you were willing to do it all)... now you have to teach him something different! Talk to him about how responsibilities need to be reorganized, as things have changed. Write down each "job" needed to be done and take turns picking something out... hang it up to refer to who is responsible for what... and DON'T RESCUE him... hold him accountable! Let him know how you felt leaving the house this morning and that you never want to have such bad feelings toward him like that ever again... it's not fair to either of you! Good luck!

No L., you are not being unreasonable. Now that you are working hubby should help out. When I was working, if I had to be in before my hubby then he had to take the kids to the sitter or school. I made the lunches and some times breakfast. As of right now, I am a SAHM but I want my hubby to help out in the evenings and weekends because the kids are his too and so is the mess in the house. If they help make the mess then they need to help out. And the kids are not just yours so hubby should help out in the mornings and any other time.

Of course you are not being unreasonable! I love a lot of the responses here. I agree that your situation has changed and it is up to you to explain to your husband there needs to be a better plan for the day-to-day stuff. While you are talking, please remember that housework is just a series of tasks that need to be completed everyday, once a week, once a month, whatever. It's all the things in life OUTSIDE of housework that are important. Set a schedule - a realistic schedule - for the two of you. Be fair to him and to yourself. Also be fair to your children. Really quickly, my SIL once told me that her 5 year old son asked her to do something with him and she responded with: Let me finish cleaning the kitchen & mopping the floor and then we can play. He responded with: Why is cleaning the house always more important than playing with me? Her priorities were immediately adjusted! I keep this in mind everyday. Whenever my daughters ask me to sit with them an extra few minutes at bedtime, I never say, well, I really need to finish the dishes or fold the laundry...nope. All of that will still be there later (and my husband & I can do the dishes or fold the laundry together!), and I sit there with my sweet baby for an extra few minutes. I know it is tough going back to work and figuring out a schedule. An open mind and a thoughtful discussion with your husband will make a huge difference. Best wishes to you. Peace, B.

You need to tell him to step up!! He's not the only out of home employee now. You need to share the responsibilities of the stressful time of getting the kids ready for school and daycare!

No you are not being unreasonable; as most of the others moms said hubby absoutely needs to step up and pitch in. I won't repeat the great suggestions from the other moms, but want to add two things:
1) try to get as many things as possible organized the night before such as picking out the kids clothes (so hubby can help them get dressed), and getting things packed, etc. ;
2) I've suggested this before: LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. This advice saved my mental health when I went back to work. Streamline your morning routine and only do those things necessary to get everyone out of the house in the morning. It's ok to NOT tidy up the house; it's ok to leave the breakfast dishes in the sink -- see where I'm going?

You both need to work together to come up with a new morning schedule. For example in my house, my husdand makes everyone lunch as I get the kids dressed. It may take a little adjustment time to see what works best in your house.

No, you are not unreasonable, but you should have had this conversation with your husband way before your first day back at work. Don't be mad at your husband. His life has not changed in the mornings, so why do you expect him to know what to do because your life has changed. So, get rid of the anger. It's a waste. Talk to you husband about how you realized that you cannot do the whole morning routine by yourself any more now that you are working. Do not ask him for general help. Mention the specific jobs you think he would be good at to help in the mornings. Husbands do not automatically see the the things that women always see. It will never happen, so set up a job plan and go from there.

You are not be unreasonable at all, in my opinion....

Since this is so new - literally today - give it a week or so to see if this is a re-occuring "thing" that happens in the mornings with your husband.

If after a week of "Honey, can you please help me _____ ?" , and he still has the same response of "I'm busy", then take (what little time you have) to compose a list of what you MOST need help with in the mornings (and any other time) .

CREATE some time alone with your man & tell him that since you are back at work now, you simply cannot keep up with all the "house & family" stuff that needs to be done & that you so desperately need his help. Tell him that you love him & that you know that he will step up to the plate because he is a wonderful, REAL man.......etc.....

Men love to rescue their maidens....but they just need specifics (presented in a loving, respectful way) to accomplish the tasks. ;-)

When he DOES do something - anything - to make your morning a bit more bearable, give him a kiss on the cheek & a sincere look in the eye "thank you" - it works wonders!

He needs to pitch in!
My husband gets the kids up and then feeds the kids while I shower. And then I help them pick out clothes, brush hair, coax them along etc.
He takes one to school, I take the other.
There's no reason your husband can't help out.