Back in the Saddle Again!

Just tell her to take her time. As mentioned in other posts, breastfeeding really does change things. When your body is not your own, it's hard to remember what it's like to enjoy sex. The first 6 or 8 months after our daughter was born was really hard. In order to regain her sex life, sex just has to be a priority and she needs to find things that she is comfortable with, and progress slowly.

If there are other underlying issues or if she is still struggling after trying some of these suggestions, she may want to talk to her OB/GYN. He/she could direct her on how to proceed. There are also lots of books out there that address these issues. She may want to check one or two out.

I didn't have any major problems down 'there' after my daughters birth, but it still took me about 6 months to really enjoy anything again. It sounds like this is not uncommon, reading all the other posts.

There are other things she can do with her husband while she's waiting for her drive to pick up again (I don't think I have to name them). She should also talk to her doctor and as someone else suggested, buy some "toys". It helped me out too. I think all of us have felt like this...You're exhausted, your body is still not yours and life has been completely turned upside down. It takes time.

I'm surprised I haven't seen this yet, but I had the same problem. I also ended up with a tilted uterus after my daughter was born, which made it painful as well. There are so many hormonal changes that occur when you get pregnant, then change again when you actually deliver. The thought of sex after my first child absolutely revolted me, too. I ended up talking to my OBGYN and we found that it was a hormonal imbalance that occurred after giving birth. Once we figured that out, and got my levels balanced back out, I was interested again. And lucky for me, after the birth of my son this year, it fixed the tilted uterus problem as well :)

If she is bf it could have to do with that. BF sends the body into a menopausal state. I had the same thing and I hate to say it- it took me a long time to get back into sex. My drive has still not completely returned(2.5 years later). Maybe it is the stress of being a Mom... it is just a lot harder!

It's totally normal to feel this way after having a baby. You are so consumed with caring for a newborn, that you have absolutely NO time for yourself, and therefore when you have an opportunity to sit and relax without being spit on and your husband starts making moves on you, it doesn't appeal to you. It actually took me a while to be able to enjoy sex again. I had two kids, 15 months apart, and so I had kids climbing on me and making messes for about 2 years. I felt bad for my husband, but I just couldn't help it. Sex became a chore to me, and that was it. If she can find a way to get help with the baby, or maybe if she mentioned to her husband that she would be more excited about having sex if he could give her a break in the evenings to unwind and relax before the baby goes to bed. I would imagine this would help. If she could take an hour to read, take a bath, or just lay down and stare at the ceiling uninterrupted, she would feel somewhat refreshed and may find that she's feeling a little more in the mood afterwords. I think it's all about really needing time to yourself and not having your husband understand that it's hard to have someone climb on you when you've been having a little one connected to your breast or hip all day long.

Is your friend breastfeeding? I was never really told that my hormones would be drastically changed by breastfeeding - that things "down there" would be mighty.. um.. dry. For a long time. Like 10 months. And I had a c/section, so I didn't even have any tearing/healing issues like your friend. Plus, when you're 6-7 months postpartum you are still dead tired (as you well know!) and frequently when you have a free moment sleep is much more appealing than sex. If she's having any problems with postpartum depression, this can be a real sex life killer too. If she suspects this is the case, she should talk to someone.

I would suggest your friend invests in a bottle of high quality lube (I'm very serious here) and make sure her husband takes some extra time with her. If she's not feeling at all in the mood or like things are not right in another couple months, I would probably talk to a Dr. or midwife - make sure there's nothing physical like a lingering yeast infection - that is cramping her style.

Thankfully, I didn't have any tearing, stitches, etc. with my second child, but I feel your pain. However, I really don't have the desire as well... probably because I am tired. My husband has been patient as well, but makes comments that drives me crazy. Men have no idea. They are ready 24/7, and I don't get it. The thing that has helped our alone time is the introduction of some 'toys'. For some reason, it helps get me in the mood everytime. My husband also took it easy the first couple of times, and he commented that he doesn't enjoy it if he knows it hurts me. I also told my husband what would help is some romance. They seem to forget that.

Not an solution here, but I felt the same way. I don't think we did anything until at LEAST 6 months PP. I was BF too, had a 2nd degree tear and scar tissue that had to be removed. My drive really never went back to what it was. Course, I had PPD as well and went on Zoloft and have been ever since, so who knows if it is the depression or the medicine or just being exhausted or what. I have my moments, but I don't think my sex life will ever be what it was.

A couple of things...
We are talking about one of the most sensitive parts on a woman's body. There are very few of us that have vaginal births that don't have tearing or an epesiotomy, much less having said area stretched. And our bodies do not look they way they did, EW! I love Bill Cosby's description, "try pulling your bottom lip over the back of your head, THAT is giving birth!".
So, take all that plus a thing that yanks on your breasts in not an always comfortable way, wakes you up every single night, throws up on you, has to be with you all the time...SHEESH! Who wants to be romantic?? Darlin there IS hope! It is a thing called time and patience.
Be good to you. Decide once a week (since it is difficult) that you are going to be romantic! Alot of it is mindset. Friday nights are "date night", for example. Play with the baby, get them well fed and tired. Give them a nice bath and put them to bed!
Tell hubby that date night is the night for romance and you want to be babied the way YOU are gonna baby him!
Tidy the house, make the bedroom romantic with candles, music and your perfume. Take a nice long shower, wash your hair, shave your legs and imagine what your relationship USED to be like and how you want it to be again.
Have a nice dinner, whether it is take out or something special you make, ready with the table set nicely. Candles and dim light are awesome! Don't talk bills or anything heavy, all wonderful small talk.
For the physical part there are oils that help (I am NOT going into descriptions here). And ask your husband to take his time. Look at every hair on your husband's head, his shoulder, look at the color of his eyes. See every perfection and imperfection and with all your heart LOVE it!
Marriage with kids is a balance. All your energy goes to children when you have them, husband and self get left behind.
Take time to take care of you and your husband, even if it is only one night a week. You both will look forward to it, even if all you look forward to is the romance and he looks forward to the um "fun". Learn to appreciate other aspects of your relationship and each other. And even if the sex doesn't go beyond that day it will remain a special day for both of you. =)
Good luck!!

I was in a similar situtation. I sat my hubby down and explained to him what was going on and that it had nothing to do with him. So we agreed to take it slow.

We worked on reconnecting again. Having a baby is hard work and it can be exhausting. And when you're loving on a little peanut, sometimes, there isn't any left over for your signifigant other.

One thing might help, try making out without the expectation of anything more. Kinda like dating. Take it slow, there's no need to hurry. Your friend just needs to make sure that she communicates what's going on with her hubby.

Hi,

I am having the exact same problem. Had some bad tearing, and had the roughest time healing. I am still not 100% down there, so I am scared to give it a try. AND, it's time. I feel bad for my patient husband.
I look foward to hearing your responses as well.

K.