I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 16 month old boy and a friend of the family needed someone to watch her little boy.We could use the extra little bit of money and shes a single mom so I told her I would. The child came to my house every day Monday through Friday for about 4 months.The mom and dad have arrangements of custody with her being the primary caretaker and he gets the child every other weekend and Wednesdays at 5pm. The dad came every Wednesday at 5 p.m. until the last Wednesday he showed up 20 minutes early. The mom became irate with me and told me I was to tell him to leave and come back in 20 minutes at the court-ordered time. To make a long story short there is a restraining order because he was violent in their relationship which only ended 7 months ago. With a history of violence I felt uncomfortable asking him to leave and return in 20 minutes and told her my concerns for myself and my kids. She told me that I couldnt abide by the law she would find someone else that did. What are your thoughts?
I appreciate everyone's responses! It was so helpful to receive so much advice and really gave me some perspective. These last few months I thought her and I had become friends or could have become good friends in the future so I felt comfortable being honest and was blindsided by her demeanor and callous attitude towards me.
I figured after I let her sleep on it the next morning she would have been more reasonable about the situation but when she showed up and we begin talking about it I saw her face change when I told her I felt I was being put in the middle of it. She became very angry and almost bully like and told me If he was to show up early he could not take their son because it is court ordered!I said I will not ask him to leave and come back in 20 minutes I'm sorry I do not feel comfortable doing that and you need to talk to him about it because it's not my place. She said it is your place because you're the caregiver and there is a court order! I can't even begin to describe how Rude she was to me When I didn't comply. I again said I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable because this is not my place And she jumped up grabbed her son and his belongings and left. I went outside and said to her this Isn't necessary Because I really felt sorry for the boys as they had become great friends.She almost acted like I was the ex and was taking it all out on me. I said you need to go to work why don't you leave him here and think about it we'll talk about it afterwards, still trying to be the bigger person.She said what do you care this is none of your business and left.
There was a few texts after that. She said I wasn't listening to her HAHAHA! I told her how inappropriate it was for her to put me in the middle and how irrational she was being But she wouldn't listen Of course. She did bring me the money for the whole week and a few things that he had left And that was it.
I guess that solves that. I believe she's quite unstable and I just didn't know it. I'm sad for the boys but I don't need that kind of drama.
Thanks for listening.
If you feel uncomfortable (I would too) just tell the mom you're not comfortable and say you feel better if she found someone else. It's just going to lead to more drama. These things always do.
Dump this toxic family.
Send her a certified letter that you will no longer provide child care services because she has threatened you and no longer feel safe around her and her ex.
Do you have copies of any texts or emails of her interaction? Save, print it, and copy it.
Next time write out a contract with anyone you provide child care for.
You did the right thing. Stay out of it.
Wish her well with her new babysitter. The potential of things getting worse is TOO high and your priority should be the safety of your family.
You are abiding by the law.
"I'm sorry you're having problems with your ex, but I am not going to be in the middle of it. Go ahead and make other childcare arrangements."
Wish her well and let her find someone else to baby sit her kid.
That solves it for you.
Picking a child up 20 minutes early isn't a big deal even with a court order. Sometimes life isn't etched in stone. To your knowledge the court order state pickup is Wednesday's at 5pm and instead the father picked the kid up at 4:40pm instead. I'm thinking no harm no foul.
It seems to me like there may be more to this than the mother is telling you but that isn't your problem. Let her find care that suits her crazy and you find another child to care for with sane drama free parents.
Wish her the best and get out of that drama.
It's not like he arrived at 8 am or on a different day. It's not like he was being violent. What parent doesn't pick up a little early sometimes? And even regular centers have the stipulation that they will not put others in jeopardy. I would have told the mom that exact timing is a discussion between them and the courts. You wouldn't release the child on the wrong day but you aren't fighting that fight over 20 minutes. People also need to realize that agreements are the guide but common sense has to come into play. If she doesn't understand these things...let her walk (help her find the door if you need to).
I believe that you've done your part and your time of assisting is up. You did the right thing in my opinion. It isn't your place to tell him anything. It's the mothers. Additionally her response to you was insensitive to your perspective. She seems like she would begin to blame you for the fathers actions. So, to avoid getting in between that mess, end it there.
It is not your place to "uphold the law". As you said he has a history of violence. You need to watch out for your wellbeing. Having said that I would talk to the mother and tell her if he has a history of violence and she is concerned for the child's welfare (and not just being vindictive & persnickity about the actual time), she should talk to the courts about him and the welbeing of her child. Maybe they will revisit the custody......for the sake of the child's safety. Edit: By the way, citizens are not the ones that uphold the law, peace officers uphold the law.
This is not your responsibility. If there is a problem with the court order and the father not abiding by it, the mother needs to talk to her attorney and/or the judge. (I used to do this for a living, and I can assure you the judge will not be happy at a woman bitching about her husband being a few minutes early when there are children being abused daily). But this is not on you. YOU are not his boss, nor are you to put yourself in the middle of this. They are to handle any issues such as pick up time (ESPECIALLY since he has a history of violence!) And you aren't not upholding the law by not making him come back later. They have a court order in a custody case, this isn't a federal law mandating you do something.....(sorry, that part made me laugh)
Honestly, I would stop watching this child. The drama isn't worth it. Plenty of wonderful children need babysitters!
Good luck to you!
Not your circus. Get out while it is safe. You were providing care for the child. Did you know about the violence before you babysat?
Your priority is to your child to keep him safe. Think of something else to do to make a little extra money.
the other S.
what law did you break? shes out of line and needs to back off. tell her to find someone else thats ok with her drama and move on. you will be better off without her in your life.
S., I've been in a similar position where I was providing care for the child of a very acrimonious divorce. My best advice to you would be to tell her what you told us, that you are not interested in being the enforcer of a custody decree and that if she has an issue with that dad showing up 20 minutes early, then she needs to take it up directly with him. You are not to be put in the middle again or you won't be able to care for the child. End of discussion. Just my take on it, but she sounds like a piece of work from what you described. I wouldn't keep a child care client on who treated me like that. Not a great loss.It's not worth the stress.
Wish her well and get out of her crazy drama.
Yes, she's trying to punish him and limit his time with his child even if it's not time she's spending with the child. Or, she feels she is paying for the day care and she doesn't want to "pay extra" for him to have Daddy time. Which is stupid, of course.
Tell her that you will honor the pick up schedule as far as who is set to come, but you will not participate in disciplining or restricting time when the appropriate parent shows up - whether it's her or him. 20 or 30 minutes is nothing. Unless and until she gives you a restraining order saying he cannot see his child at all, by judge's order, you are not getting in the middle of it. He isn't supposed to get near HER, but the order doesn't cover your house unless she is there when he arrives. Which she shouldn't be on his day. You shouldn't have had to ask him to leave whether or not there is a history of violence - it's ridiculous.
Otherwise, you have to give her a warning about terminating day care services because she's involving you in her relationship and telling you how to conduct business. That's not in your contract with her. You can ask for a clarification from a judge (which she will have to pay for) specifying how much flexibility there is in pick up times at your place of business and/or directing you to send him away if he arrives at 4:45 or 4:55. Tell her that's for your protection.
Otherwise either of you can terminate the day care arrangements.
Sorry it's come to this.
I think the mother is nuts too! Of course you don't feel comfortable enforcing a strict 5 pm pick up time. I am wondering what the mom hopes to achieve by potentially enraging her son's father. Ooohhh...that poor boy. Dump the family is my advice to you.
It was 20 minutes, clearly she is just trying to punish the father and is putting you in the middle. I would let her find someone else to watch the child if that is how she wants things, but otherwise I would make it clear that if it is dads pick up day and he shows up early he is welcome to take his child at that time.
I would say that you can just find another child to take care of. If she's going to be awful to you about 20 minutes, then you don't need this hassle.
Call her bluff and tell her "Okay. Let me know when you find someone else. You will need to pay me in advance from now on to watch him." And if she doesn't like that, then she can take him to work with her until she finds someone else.
She can find herself a new daycare provider.
