Baby No.2

I'm sorry but this is not something you can "compromise" on. If either of you agrees to a decision but is really not on board, you will do serious damage to your marriage. First step is to be clear on why you want another baby and what would really happen if you don't or can't. Weigh that against the loss of your marriage. As previously stated, you both need to really listen to the other person not just try to convince them of your position. There are worse things in life than being an only child. Some brothers and sisters never get along. Do not fantasize about the "perfect" family. There is no such thing. Be willing to challenge your viewpoint, not just your husband's. Only then will you be able to reach agreement on this issue. Good luck.

Forty and Fabulous is right on.

You may not like what I have to say. It's not that I'm not trying to be supportive but I think you really need to consider things from his perspective as well. Is it frustrating for you that he doesn't seem to "get it"? Maybe he feels that way too.

I don't think there is any compromise or agreement on this issue. You either have another child or your don't. There is no having a baby part-time. One of you is going to have to bend on this issue and that's where the two of you need to talk through this and work it out.

Maybe it bothers him to know that you want to have HIS future set in stone. While I can't speak for every man out there, I think we would all agree that men often tend to feel as if they have to work hard to provide financially as well as physically and emotionally for the family. Maybe he feels a lot of stress right now with only one child and feels like he wouldn't be able to do it with another mouth to feed? Maybe that is the sort of pressure and stress that scares him.

Let's try to imagine the scenario in another way. Let's say that your husband has always had his heart set on moving the family to the remote wilderness of Alaska. You hate that idea. That idea scares you. The idea of uprooting your family and moving away from everything that is comfortable and normal for you is frightening. He's hell-bent on moving to Alaska and keeps pushing, pushing, pushing you to go through with the move because he thinks it is the best thing to do for the family. Taking this even farther, because I know some people will suggest that you just "get pregnant on accident" (which is such a breech of trust in a relationship)...imagine if you were to show up at home one day and your husband has the truck packed, has bought a house, and you're moving to Alaska now. Sure, you talked about it. He knows you didn't want to do it, but he did it anyway. How would this major life change affect you?

Figure out a list of pros and cons for having a second child. Write them down. Schedule some alone face-to-face time with your husband to have a "once and for all" discussion where you are both rational and logical. See where it goes. He might warm up to the idea. He might still be opposed to the idea. If he still says "no", ask him if you can revisit the issue in 6 months and have the topic be off-limits until then.

Good luck - I know it can be hard when both parties want different things.

Sounds like you need to talk and not just so you can convince him how YOU feel and tell him what YOU want, but so you can hear what he is thinking and wanting. Perhapsyou two are not so far apart as you think, but the more you push, the more he pushes back.

Many men don't want to bring more children into the world if they have anxiety about things. Perhaps with the age difference, your husband is worried that he will not be around to provide for the child. Perhaps he worries it will change his and your relationship too much. Or many he is just anxious about it for other reasons. I know after my husand had cancer the thought of a second really scared him (and me too, quite honestly) because he worried about leaving us with no support.

Good luck to you!

The best advice I have heard on the subject is that you should not have another child until it will not negatively affect any children you already have. This can mean lots of things, depending on the family and their circumstances.

In your case, having another child sounds like it could be a severe stress on your husband, which would be likely to have a negative effect on your marriage and home life, which would certainly have a detrimental effect on your daughter.

If your primary argument for having another baby is to have a companion to your daughter, and that she will feel all alone in the world without a sibling, this is just not true. I had a single, very happy child, who now has a single, very happy 4yo son. Nobody feels all alone. perhaps because they don't expect to. Friends, both young and old, are accessible everywhere. At least half the young families I know have stopped or intend to stop with one child.

One-child families can be happy. And multiple-child families can be very unhappy. Attitude is so important to happiness. Is it possible that you have set your future in stone: you WILL not be happy unless/until you have a second child?

There is always a chance your husband could change his mind if the two of you can find a way to hear and support each other's feelings. The best way to talk to your husband about your feelings is to be sure you are talking about your FEELINGS (always pure emotions like joy, sadness, confusion, loneliness, anger, etc.).

Avoid the mistake of discussing your CONCEPTS (bigger ideas like needing a child, having no one, alone-ness, needing respect, sympathy, support, etc. You can argue endlessly about concepts, but neither of you can tell the other that your feelings should be otherwise.

You didn't say what HIS reasons are for NOT wanting any more children. Make sure you are listening to him if you want him to listen to you

You just need to say it like it is. Sit him down and tell him deep down inside you need to have one more. That you can live with just one more. Commit to yourself that you are going to stop there. Be sure to tell him how you feel crushed that he is dictating that you can only have one. Compromise by saying just one more and sticking to it (it can be hard if you still don't feel done). Perhaps a permanent form of birth control will (whether you or him) will help him to feel like you're not going to do it again later for a third. My husband is older and thought one baby was a lot of work after he was born and talked about not having any more. I was heartbroken and told him how I felt. He agreed to one more and we'd see after that. Hope this helps. Are you open to adoption? Perhaps that will fulfill your motherly needs and he would be okay with an older child rather than a baby. It's really hard not knowing him. GL

My mother has this horrible story of getting wind that my father went in for a vasectomy and racing to the clinic to literally pound on the door trying to stop the procedure. The good news is that she spent the next 30 years working with children as much as possible and now has three grandsons to love and enjoy with another on the way. If you can't convince your husband to have another child you might want to contemplate how to get more child-energy in your life. Maybe host playgroups?

Without being in your shoes, I can understand where you're coming from. However, having another child now will not be a guarantee that your daughter will never be alone -- everybody dies, so at some point, unless your whole family perishes together, one of your children will be the last of your children still alive. That's stark and it's sad, but it's true.

One couple I know was in a similar position many years ago -- they were *quite* a bit different in age, and had one child together, but the man didn't want to have any more, because he was afraid he would die before the youngest would be old enough to be on his own. Their child together is now 25, and he's very much alive, so that fear was unfounded. There is likewise no guarantee that *any* of us will be here tomorrow -- accidents and disease strike young and old alike.

I see that you've already posted a "what happened," and am glad that you were able to talk about it, and come to a peace. I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in. Most likely, once you become settled about not having another baby, you will turn your thoughts (forcibly if necessary) away from having a baby, and that will tone down your desire: "just say no" to your thoughts. :-)

I am a big fan of having more than 1 child as well as compromising with your husband. With that being said, I think you need to get your husband to sit down with you along with no distractions and really discuss why he does not want to have anymore children along with why you want to have another child. Really listen to his reasons. My husband is 10 years older than I am. When we had our last child he was 37. He also thought about when his youngest child is finished with college (4 yrs.) he will be around 60. He decided that he did not want anymore children because of the age thing. You don't mention your ages but I can understand. Even now my husband used to coach ball teams and play the sports with the kids when he was younger. He has RA and there is now no way he could play football, or soccer. He can shoot some hoops as long as he is having a good day and does not have to run and jump. There are options such as adoption, both state side and international. This might be more to your husbands liking because you could adopt a child that is older than your daughter.

Whatever you and your husband decide do it together. If you are a praying family then pray before you and your husband talk including the days beforehand. Also ask God to really open your heart and help you to listen to what your husband wants and why he feels as he does. I will pray for your family! God Bless!

I understand. Without nagging, I have asked my husband what his fears are when we have another...I brace myself for honest feedback and promise to not get defensive or persuasive. I just listen. I have learned that it is not his age ( 5 yrs older than myself), it is not money, but he finally expressed that I'm not a walk in the park when pregnant (I was with the first but not so great the second) and he has expressed that the first yr of life with baby is so hard because the whole family (in the past) comes to a grinding slow down. Not to mention that the house goes to disarray with me being overwhelmed with new baby. I understand his concerns I agree with his concerns and we have talked about how to make the third time different... what have we learned from our mistakes, how could we improve the next run, the conversation is still ongoing and I can tell you that I am positive he knows my feelings, so I do try to give the conversation a rest for time periods... my biological clock is ticking very loudly so this is sometimes hard to do....
And then on the flip side of going at things together, one of my friends advised me that the power is in my hands (leave the contraceptive in the cabinet) but I don't think that is a loving way to build a family (free of resentment) so I think I'll pass on her advise....
And another friend advised, "you will most likely not regret having the additional child, but will most likely regret the absence of an additional child."
I always told my husband I would like 4, he said 2, we never knew before children that it was an important number to agree on BEFORE marriage and or before the birth of the first... Hopefully God will choose what is right for our family and bring peace to whatever our future holds. I wish the same for you and your family.