Husband Doesn't Want Anymore Kids

this might sound silly but Dr. Phil had a show on about this topic a while back...I thought it was very interesting and informative. I wonder if you could find it online?? its worth trying.....

If you aare a stay at home mom g et involved with a play group seak out friends why doesnt he want more to expencive to much work may be he will still change his mind what would happen if you did not use contrasitives what would he have i fit if you accedently got pregnant A. i had three and wanted 4 it took me a year to convince my husband we now have 4 and 7sven grandchildren bee married 61 years i am 8 6 husband 90he is still working in fact we are leaving for 2 weeks he to work on a wearable artifisial kidney being produced in singapore he to work me to sight see good luck A. no hills

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IF YOU AARE A STAY AT HOME MOM G ET INVOLVED WITH A PLAY GROUP SEAK OUT FRIENDS WHY DOESNT HE WANT MORE TO EXPENCIVE TO MUCH WORK MAY BE HE WILL STILL CHANGE HIS MIND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DID NOT USE CONTRASITIVES WHAT WOULD HE HAVE I FIT IF YOU ACCEDENTLY GOT PREGNANT A. I HAD THREE AND WANTED 4 IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO CONVINCE MY HUSBAND WE NOW HAVE 4 AND 7SVEN GRANDCHILDREN BEE MARRIED 61 YEARS I AM 8 6 HUSBAND 90HE IS STILL WORKING IN FACT WE ARE LEAVING FOR 2 WEEKS HE TO WORK ON A WEARABLE ARTIFISIAL KIDNEY BEING PRODUCED IN SINGAPORE HE TO WORK ME TO SIGHT SEE GOOD LUCK A. NO HILLS

I feel compelled to respond to Julie L's statement below:

As a mother of an only child, I found your statement that "there are more negatives to having an only than positive" to be extremely insensitive and one-sided -- and OFFENSIVE. There are NOT more negatives than positives for the people who choose, or circumstances choose for them, to having an only. What an offensive thing to say -- especially to a woman who may only just have one! From my family's perspective, there are more positives to having one and it is completely a personal choice. No one can write your own Pros/Cons list for you, because every family and situation is different. To each his/her own!!

I wish you much peace on this issue, H.!

I have to start by saying that IMO poster Julie C. could not be more wrong. As the mother of a single boy, aged 10, who is bright happy, outgoing and completely well-adjusted, she should not toss around 'statistics' with no information to back them up. Whatever 'statistics' say- it is individual parenting and children that matter and not all single kids are a negative statistic- there are, sadly, plenty of kids with siblings who have all kinds of problems. I don't think you should allow these 'statistics' to affect your choices either way!!

I sympathize with you- I am 40 and although I would like another child, it is just not likely for us, both biologically, and financially. There is nothing 'wrong' about your husband's viewpoint or about yours- both views are equally valid.

You don't say specifically WHY you would like to have more children. Could you adopt or care for a foster child, or do you want a child of your own body? Does your husband not want the financial strain of another child or does he just feel that one is all he can handle?

I am sure you are talking through all these considerations and more in counseling. If you were not already going, that is the advice I would have given you, just to help you both work out WHY you feel the way you do and how to deal with it.

In the end, although I know you are disappointed about this, I would say, try not to hold it against your husband- as I said above, neither of you is WRONG- you just have different feelings about this issue. If he is a good husband and father now, be grateful for that! And be grateful and happy for the little boy you do have!

It may be that your husband will change his mind in the future, but just remember to be thankful for the healthy happy little boy you have and try not to let this issue come between you and your husband, even if you disagree. Of course it would be wonderful to have another baby- but please don't let it upset you so much that it spoils your joy in the blessings that you have right now. :)

I know I will probably get slammed but my question is this - how would you feel if the situation were opposite? Would you truly want your husband to force you into having another child? Sure, we mothers do the burden of the work, but fathers don't get enough credit. It takes just as much out of them in different ways. It makes me sad that mothers/women think their needs should supersede those of their partners especially when concerning a LO. Why not appreciate what you have already - a wonderful little boy and a loving, caring husband and father. Children are gifts of love and should be the product of two loving, willing adults. I'm sorry but how does one compromise on having or not having children. These are human beings we are talking about not whether or not we should have chicken or steak for dinner. Speaking of children, do you really want your husband to resent the child and you if he does agree to another because you made him feel guilty? Are you willing to risk what you already have? I’m done with the soap box. Good luck either way.

DO NOT trick your husband by "accidentally" getting pregnant.

My husbands best friend told his wife he only wanted 2 children. His wife tried all sorts of ways to get him to agree to 1 more. He told her he really did not want to have anymore children . He felt " completely stressed with the financial responsibilities and , he did not want to be 60 with a child just graduating from High School".. She pulled the "oops", and when he found out that she had done this on purpose. He told her, "I will never be able to trust you again." He stayed with her for 5 years and then got a divorce. It was not a happy 5 years, but he did his best for the children.

He loves the 3rd child, but feels completely betrayed. He was shocked and hurt that the woman he loved so much would do this to their family.

I completely 100% without a doubt AGREE with LeeLee S! Having even just one child carries so many positives that I can't even think of one negative.

Whether you and your husband decide to have another or not, having just one has just as many "positives" as having 2 or more.

If you find in time that your husband will not bend on this decision remember that If a parent is happy, then so will their child be happy.

It would be a different story if you did not already have a child. But since you do, I would say, enjoy your son and be grateful that your husband is an excellent father and husband! There are a lot of moms out there who struggle with infertility and who have not been able to have even one child. I have two children myself, and although my second child is a darling, sweet child who I love with all my heart - if I could go back in time, I would only have had one child. There is so much pressure in our society to have 2 or more children, but I have found that having more than one child has complicated my life in ways I couldn't have imagined - from finding child care to paying for the myriad things children need. I love both of my kids, but my advice to you is, be happy where you are. Don't make yourself miserable wishing and hoping for things that you don't actually need in order to be happy.

Relax, everything is fine.
You are going to be ok.

For me, you have a wonderful man and a wonderful son.
You have more than most people have.

You don't need a therapist, you need to start thinking about what you do have instead of what you don't have.

If you have this feeling that there is a part of you that is missing then Volunteer at your church or a school, daycare, hospital, big brother/big sister group, YMCA, and on and on.

Get a dog, or a cat.

Join a mommy group so that your son can make new friends.

Try to respect your husbands wishes. I know that you are thankful for what you have but try to see that your cup is half full and not half empty.

God Bless.

Hi, H.,

I'm sorry to hear about your distress.

I miscarried my first two pregnancies and at 39 thought that I would never have children. I was delighted to bear a healthy child when I was 40. At that point, although I had always envisioned having two children, I felt completely satisfied with my family structure. Then, I surprisingly became pregnant for the fourth time (with my second live child) when I was 41. Life for the whole family is significantly harder physically, emotionally, mentally and financially now. I love my youngest. However, I would have been at least as happy with just one child as I would have been much more productive and relaxed if I had had just one child. More doesn't always mean merrier.

Here are my two cents as a psychologist-in-training, former teacher, and mother of two.

(1) Write the following:
(a) your life goals. If your husband is willing, have him write down his life goals.
(b) pros and cons of having another child. If your husband is willing, have him write down the pros and cons of having another child.
(c) your feelings and concerns. (What worries you about the future?) Then write possible solutions, if any, to each item.

(2) Try mindfulness, which includes meditation, and guided imagery if you have not already. I recommend books and CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach and Belleruth Naperstek.

(3) If you want another child because you want to interact with more kids or you want your son to interact with more kids, volunteer for a child-centered activity at your school, Boys and Girls Club, etc.

(4) If you feel that your life is empty (too little to do), consider adding a new job, civic activity, or hobby to your schedule.

Best wishes,
Lynne

Dear H.,
This is a difficult situation. But, if you have a strong marriage, you can get through it.
I wanted 4 kids but was told I couldn't have any. It was pretty depressing, I will admit, but it was something we just accepted. 6 years later, I got pregnant and had a baby girl. I wanted another baby but knew my chances were slim, so I relished and adored my child and was so happy to have her. She was the joy of my life and there were never any downsides to her being an only child. She was happy, outgoing, well adjusted.
9 years later, out of the blue, I got pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I didn't plan things that way, but I wouldn't have changed it either. It's what was meant to be. A year after my son was born, I had a hysterectomy so all possibilities of another baby were gone and it bummed me out, but there was nothing I could do about it. I had two children when they told me I would have zero. I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet.
Your situation is a little different, but I do understand the feelings of wanting a baby so badly, or wanting another one. In my case, I just accepted it and was blessed beyond my dreams.
I have mentioned before that my sister hated being pregnant so much she swore she would never go through it again, and she didn't. Her husband wanted another baby right away and she just said no way. She is a great mom and loves her son, but she never wanted to go through all that again.
You want another baby and your husband doesn't.
I think it's good you're going to therapy so you can get to the bottom of why you both feel the way you do.
Even if you you had talked about having more kids, maybe he feels that with the economy or whatever, he can give more to one child as far as a college education, etc. Maybe he loves your family just how it is. Maybe he adores your son so much he wonders how he'd feel about not being there the same for him if you had another child. He may have some pretty valid reasons.
I'm sure you have valid reasons for wanting another child as well, and they shouldn't be based on statistics or anyting technical like that. It seems to me it's just a longing in your heart and I do know that feeling.
Even if you don't have another child, it needs to be dealt with in therapy so that it's not seen as him winning and you being defeated. Family planning is a pretty serious subject.
Your son is only 3. Who's to say that once he starts kindergarten and is growing up a little bit that your husband might not decide he'd like to have another baby in the house?
Does it have to be a matter of having another kid now or never?
Just be sure to really do the work in therapy and listen to each other.
You don't want to resent your husband if you don't have another child, but you don't want him resenting you if you wear him down after making his hesitations clear.
It's not a matter of not agreeing on a type of car or where you're going on vacation....it's bringing a child into the world. It's a lifetime committment.
Maybe you can agree to put the matter on hold for a bit so it's not such a hot and impending situation where it has to be yes or no right now.

I wish you the best.

Hi H., What I would do is e-mail him or print out statistics on being the only child, there are more negatives than positive, right now at 3 by the time you did have another baby and he would be old enough to play with your other son, he will be starting school. Family planing is very important to do before you start a family, the day my husband approached me 26 almost 27 years ago, we talked about the size of family we wanted, and we decided we wanted 2 kids a boy and a girl, well we had 2 boys, but we both wanted a daughter so we tried for a third child and we did get our daughter, but we made the decision together. The thing is H. you do have a beautiful little boy, and if you are walking around depressed that may have an ill affect on him. Do the research share it with your husband and see what happens, but when you do share it with him, don't do it in a confritation way be loving and be open to what he says. J.

Luckily my hubbie & I agree on one child being right for us. I was wondering if you could clarify your question "how do people move on?". I'm also wondering what his reasons are and what are your reasons? Were there medical problems with you or baby after birth? Did it cause a financial strain or a strain on your relationship? Is he just more happy with the idea of giving everything he can to one child? How many more children do you want? I ask all of this because your question doesn't give much insight on the why of it all. It shows that you are sad maybe realizing how life can turn out differently that you wanted it to. You have a huge decision to make in my opinion and forcing him to have another child can't be one of the options. Only if he wants it. You face leaving him to take your chances in order to have more children or accept and learn to live with having one child. Since neither is what you want I'm sure it's really frustrating. Just weigh everything out & see which choices have the best possible outcomes for you and your son.

I was in the same boat, but for only a moment. My hubby and I agreed on 2 before we got married (though I wanted 3 or 4), then after we had one he decided we were done. He had some financial concerns, but I also think that he loved our daughter so much that he didn't want to take that away from her. I honestly think he believed he wouldn't love the second child as much.

I convinced him that the best gift we could give our daughter (whom he loved so much) was a sibling. I also asked him if there was some way that we could compromise so that we were both happy.

The compromise: My husband loves the outdoors and feels he doesn't get enough time hiking/camping. We agreed that he could go on 2 overnight trips a year for 2-5 days w/o the family. This gives him a much deserved break. We also agreed that as soon as we had a healthy baby, he would get a vasectomy.

I got my second baby, he gets his wilderness time and he got the vasectomy. This past anniversary he told me he never pictured his life like this (was opposed to marriage and kids) but wouldn't change a thing.

My point: Is there some way that you and your husband can both get what you want? What are his concerns? Can you find a way to address them? If it's financial, can you come up with a budget or a savings plan? If it's time and energy, is there something you can do to allow him to regroup? You have to take his reasons for not wanting another and show him that it will be ok.

If he doesn't give in, then you will probably be depressed for a while and I think that's normal. In some way you will be morning a loss. It may not be a physical one, but it is still a loss. In time though, you will be ok. Keep going to your therapist and allow yourself time to grieve. But don't forget to focus on what is good in your life. You are blessed to have a loving hubby and a wonderful son - try your best to focus on what you already have. :)

I wish you the best getting through this, whichever way it turns out!!!

I had the opposite problem. I didn't want anymore kids but my husband did. We have one son who is 7 now. I was 40 when he was born so I had to have a 2nd quickly if I was going to do it. My son is the love of my life but I soon realized that I couldn't handle another kid and I did not want to be pregnant again. When my husband started talking about having a 2nd, I had to gather the courage to tell him that I didn't want another baby. I gave him all my valid reasons. He was disappointed but he understood. We have a very happy family of 3. I can give my son lots of things I couldn't give him if I had more children. My son has lots of cousins and friends his age. He is not missing having a sibling. If you love your husband, and he has good reason, then be happy with your family as it is. You never want to force someone to do something they don't want to do. And if he changes his mind, then you can have your next baby. If this is the worst problem in your marriage then you have a pretty good marriage. Being a married mother with one child is much better than being a divorced mother.

Good luck!

The desire in a woman to have children is very strong but it too can pass. If I were in your shoes I would defer to my husbands wishes about having other children and then proceed to fill my life with children of all stages, ages both male and female. Baby sit other people's children as often as you can and as many children as you can stand perhaps this will help fill the void for another child as well as give your boy some people to play with.

It will also help to concentrate on what you have without letting yourself get obcessed over what you think you're missing and don't have.

If you want your marriage to work and get to a happier place, you may be the one that has to have a change of mind. It's not the end of the world and I do understand your pain.

Did you and your husband discuss how many children you each wanted before you got married? If you did and now he's changing his tune then he's wrong. You have feelings too and you came into this marriage with certain expectations that were encouraged by him. Now he's changing the rules. Compromise works both ways. He needs to be compromising with you too. Maybe if you want 4 kids and he doesn't want any more then you should have only one more.

But honestly, if you're in therapy for this issue then I'm not sure what more can be done. I mean, it should be made obvious to your husband how this is affecting you. If he truly cares about you, wouldn't he be sensitive to the effect this is having on you? Does he really want to make you miserable for the rest of your life with the longing for another baby. Men just don't understand how that can affect women. They think about money and time and convenience....they don't think about the tearing, burning need in their wives' hearts for another child. Maybe you need to find a new therapist if this hasn't been made clear to him yet. You don't need to be in therapy to "come to terms" with his decision. You need to be in therapy to find out why he feels like he's the one that gets to MAKE the decision all by himself.

I don't know how many would be in agreement with me on this, but I know and have heard of COUNTLESS situations where a pregnancy occurs when either one or both parents opposed it. The pregnancies I'm referring to were carried to full term, and when they meet their child there are no regrets- only joy. There are also SO MANY circumstances where a child is brought into the world in a very bad situation. I'm assuming that wouldn't be your family. What's the big deal?

-of course, I'll admit my husband and I have four kids and the only reason we don't "want" more is for financial reasons- but really, they are such a joy and I am personally a believer in providing at least one sibling to every child.

MY POINT? Skip the birth control w/o husband knowing and say: "oops!", and you all should be happy 9 months later :)... I'm just kidding:)

As of right now, my husband and I both would prefer to only have our one precious little man. We seem to both be happy with the idea of being the "three amigos". I think you should give your husband more time; maybe 5 years from now he will want to have another child. I am sure you have asked him why he does not want to have another baby, I think you should respect what he says and not push the matter, let the counselor help both of you. Enjoy the little one you have and you never truly know what the future holds:)

I just wanted to say I hope my post did not sound insensitive to the way you are feeling; I truly do not want you to feel depressed.

Me and my husband just had our first hes 10 months old and I dont want anymore children but he does reverse of your situation..... so I know how he feels. that being said how much does your huband and son mean to you are they enough to make you happy?? Just my thoughts.

'

I am possibly in the same situation. I want another child, my husband is unsure. We are also older (43 and 47). I won't repeat what is written or go into more deep issues but will add some concrete thoughts/ideas about what I mite do if we don't have another child that brings me comfort:

1. Consider adopting an older child (sometimes a husband does not want to go through the infant stage again).

2. Consider big brother, big sister program to bring in another child into our family's life.

3. Visit runaway home or other type home for children whose parents cannot care for them, with our child and build longlasting relationships.

HTH in some way. Blessings, Jilly

Just an FYI some of your responses have been posted to the questions about food alergys. There are three under that post that are for you H..

Personally, I think that if you BOTH don't want another child then you don't have another child. This is not something that one person can just decide on their own, and if both people aren't in agreement, then you shouldn't try to force it on him. Did you guys discuss the # of children that you would like to have before you got married? It seems to me that you are just going to have to suck it up and appreciate what you've got. I had 2 kids very close together and was VERY overwhelmed and my husband wanted more kids and I was totally against it. But then as the kids got older, I changed my mind, and now I am pregnant with baby #4. Just because his answer is no right now, doesn't mean that it will always be no. But you still need to respect that he feels that way. I would also maybe take a look at how you have changed since you had your baby. It is no secret that we change once we have children. Our priorities change, we have much more to do, and frankly, we tend to put our spouses at the bottom of the list of things we need to take care of. They quit feeling important to us and I think that is partly what causes this type of reaction in not wanting more kids from fathers. If he treats you good, and is good to your son as you stated above, then I think you leave this one alone, accept his decision and move on. I bet once you stop griping about it and pressing him, and start acting like you used to act with him, the more likely his feelings on the subject are to change.

I don't know how helpful I can be, but I did see a Dr. Phil show on this once. You may be able to find the episode on-line or something and watch it together with your husband. Best wishes!

What do you want your life to look like in 20 years. Is it more important to have a secure marriage with both of you feeling like you are equal partners or is it more important to have 2 children. What scenario would you rather for your son. Sometimes as parents we get short sighted and forget to consider the the long term feelings of you and your child. If you two decide that you are not going to have more children then you need to start dealing with any resentment issues. You are trading another child for a better nest for the child you have. The same goes for Dad. If you decide to have another child then he has to come to terms with his issues as well. Either way your decision needs to be based on the wants and needs of your FAMILY. Which ever one of you concedes you must do it with the knowledge that you aren't giving in to the other one but honoring your family by choosing the best thing for everyone.