Awkward Situation with Neighborhood Children

Dear K.,

My first line of defense is to get to know the parents. I try to develop the relationship with the child/children simultaneously as any child welcome in my home must respect the boundaries and rules we live by. Yet, being loving and accepting with each individual is my goal. There can be a fair range of behavior differences if the relationship I've developed with the child allows them to respond to me. If you continue to make these efforts, you may be successful in allowing your children to play together. All children should be supervised closely to understand the dynamics that develop between them. What is said, what is acted out and the temperament dynamics are all important to monitor, guide and train in children to assure the properness in budding friendships.

With any behavioral issues with children yours are exposed to, you must put yours first. Small doses of time together can go a long way with you separating them when the neighbors don't respond to correction. Be sure to be honest with yourself if your own become the issue. There are times that not playing together becomes necessary and friendships cannot be forced.

Please remember, there are schooling issues, behavorial issues and there are parenting issues. Some children that are homeschooled are being educated that way precisely for the reason of behavioral issues. Many are not. Those issues would be present no matter where they received their education. The need may be more effectively met for that student and for the students they would be with in class with, for them to be at home. I would encourage you to view children in light of who they are rather than where they receive their education. You may find you have nothing in common with the parents and you may not click with them at all. If you do, you may just get past this and be able to live in harmony in your cul-de-sac.

Best of luck!

Have them play at your house where you can supervise things.
Have fun activities to keep then busy (I've made tons of homemade salt dough, art projects and cookies with kids...it was fun for them and kept the rowdy ones out of trouble)

And most important repeat after me "The rules in our house are.......(you make the rules)....and if you don't want to follow those rules, you may leave." then push them out the door if you have to :)

If that does'nt work, then you may have to talk to the parents and if that doesn't improve things then it might be a good idea to tell your kids to avoid playing with them.

please don't let this family's behavior, or lack of, color your opinion of homeschooling families in general.

at some point you need to stop being your kids' friend and be their mother. when mine have friends with behavior or family dynamics I don't trust, that relationship gets discontinued. its okay if they aren't happy with a decision I make. they are kids. I'm the boss. being the boss bites sometimes. being the kid bites sometimes.

but I do tell them why that relationship has come to an end.
I have high standards for my budding adults, and I communicate my reasons for decisions that involve them so they can learn to make solid informed decisions for themselves.

I'd let them play and be friendly outside with the bad kids and everyone else. as soon as the play begins to feel bad, they need to pick up their toys and come home. either the bad kids will learn to behave, or your kids and their friends will learn to be more discriminatory. mean? maybe. but your family and their wellbeing and healthy growth are your priority.

at no time would I allow a baby or tod to be part of that group without direct hands-on supervision.

A.

I wonder if you could have the family over for dinner sometime to get to know them better and then be able to address some of your concerns. It would be too early for your two year old, but your 5 year old could learn how to stand up to a bully and defer the situation. Wondertime had a great article about it this summer and it has helped our 5 yo ds tremendously. It's hard when you're in a close-knit neighborhood and you have someone who doesn't want to be involved. I think dinner may help. If not, maybe only letting your kids play with them at your house where you can supervise, and you can lay down ground rules. If the rules aren't followed, the offending child needs to go home. I hope this works out.

When we have difficult situations, I am blunt with my children. Such as "Melissa isn't being raised properly, and that's why she teases children half her age. Her parents have not taught her how mean that is and to stop that behavior."

I would make a couple more blunt attempts at telling those children very specifically that their behavior is not acceptable, with a reason ("when you scream in Lilly's ear, it hurts her ear very much -- we never hurt people on purpose"). If the children don't get with the program quickly, Then you either tell your children not to go to that house, or you tell the other kids that they can't play at your house anymore because they hurt people, etc.

Ideally, we could talk to the other parents about this stuff, but lots of parents are not open to such conversations. I had that type of mother, and she would have just laughed about you when she was done shutting the door in your face. ("Have another drink, Mom.")

You're doing a great job. You can do this too.

Honestly, I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with sending the kids back home if they are being disrespectful to you in your home. I would allow your kids to invite them to your home to play, and if they get out of hand, send them home politely but firmly. I don't think I'd allow my kids over to the other's home to play if the parents aren't willing to watch the kids at playtime at a level that you are comfortable with. That way, the new kids might learn over time that if they want to play with their new friends, they have to respect your rules.

Good luck!

Yikes. Neighborhood stuff is tricky because you could potentially have this awkwardness for years to come. I would definitely keep things civil and open with the parents. They may likely already feel on the outs of the neighborhood, and if you express any concerns they will almost certainly feel defensive. And I would let the kids play- at your house.

Since you're a teacher I'm sure you already know that if you tell your kids that the others aren't being raised right that will probably be quoted at some point! And again because you're a teacher you've probably already thought to keep the focus on the kids. So sorry to be redundant, but as a therapist I'd like to put my bent on it. Before you let the kids come over, I would explain to your kids that you have house/behavior rules and expectations, and if they are not followed (presumably by the other kids) they will need to go home. And then nicely explain those rules to the other kids when they get there. They are old enough to regulate their own behavior, and luckily, old enough to keep a lot of it out of their parents hands. This way, if they are playing and start being mean you have the option to say "oops, we don't taunt the 2 year old to see if she'll cry. why don't you play something else. If that happens again, you'll probably need to be done playing here for the day". And of course follow through with that. Two things are accomplished- they will learn that if they don't play nice, they go home. and if they go home, their parents may begin to wonder why they are being sent home. (that's the topic of another post!). But either way, it wasn't you being the bad guy for keeping your kids from them. You were safely supervising your kids, and those kids made the choices themselves (keeps you from being resented and blamed).

Hope that helps.