!Avoiding Bad Friends Who Frequent the Same Places as You?

You can use this situation to teach your son a little more about friendships, and to help him sort out what he already knows. This won't be the last time he meets kids like this, wherever you live.

It may be good for him to realize, as young as he is, that he doesn't have to do what his friends and his playmates tell him to do. He doesn't have to listen to what they say. He does not have to be the follower. He can be a leader, or at least independent. He can say no, and he can choose to play somewhere else and with someone else (or alone) without having his friends' approval. He can also learn to use the time-honored line, "I won't do that - my dad wouldn't like it."

You don't have to say, in the time you have left at this location, "No, I don't want you to play with this boy at all," unless of course something serious happens. But you can say, "How did playing with Jack go?" and keep the communication lines open. Poor Jack - he certainly doesn't know very much about how to be a good friend. What you want your son to learn is how to manage the future Jacks he will meet.

Don't worry about the child tracking you down. Almost-third graders don't often do that, except perhaps in movies.

I am sure there is not just one playground in your area. Just find a new play ground. Your daughter can ask her friends to meet her at a new location.

I always teach my kids to move away from bad elements, that means I should take my own advice.

I am a firm believer to stay away from toxic relationships, they are just not worth it.

ETA; you are over thinking this. Just go to another park. Yes technology allows people to *track* others down but goodness sake they are only in 2nd grade, you are the mom you make the rules and if you don't want this toxic boy in your sons life or yours then keep them away, make excuses, do whatever is best for your family.

In second grade, I wouldn't start worrying about them becoming facebook friends in middle school. At this stage, you can control his activity on the computer.
You think your son is too young to understand that this is a bad friend, but I disagee. On the way home, praise your son for listening to you instead of the friend and talk about why this is important. Ask him how he felt when the friend was disloyal and tell him why this is not being a good friend.
How often do you frequent this playground? You may want to figure out what days and times they are usually there, and go another time. You might want to make plans to go with another friend, so that your son is playing with someone else when you go there. If both boys are there, and the other kids pulls the, "I told him not too..." you can simply reply, "This is between my son and me, it does not involve you." If you hear him telling your son to do something that you don't allow, I think it's okay to say, "Peter, please do not tell Robby to climb on top of the playhouse. I don't allow it, and I am the parent. Thank you."

Go at a differant time of day or to a differant park. You may have to rearrange your schedule a bit.

Well, he's just a kid, I wouldn't call him a "toxic" friend... I'm kind of wondering how old this kid is, can you update maybe and clarify? I ask because you seem to be talking about playground antics and but you are also worried about him contacting your son on social network sites and hacking computers. I can't figure out the age.

If you are moving at the end of the year, I wouldn't sweat it. It's just a few more months of these playground meet-ups. You have a predicament, but you already know what the choices are- grin and bear it, or pick a new playground.

I can relate to this a bit because I have a feisty little neice who is a total spitfire. She is two years older than my daughter and they loooove to be together. My daughter picks up all kinds of stuff from her older cousin- words, phrases, attitude, etc. I always, ALWAYS debrief with my daughter before and after we hang out, so we set up expectations ahead of time and also evaluate afterward things that happened (this is stuff like excluding other cousins, calling names, other things I won't tolerate). I think it's a good chance for her to try and manage her own behavior within our expectations, and instill some of our personal family values in her. We actually have had a lot of "life lesson" opportunities and discussions about empathy through their relationship.

Give yourself some credit- the friend is not going to ruin your son- you are still the biggest influence on your son. You say he is respectful to adults, kind to other's siblings and all that... as long as you don't see him changing his own behavior, I wouldn't worry too much about the "toxicity" of the other kid.

Last thought, I work with teens- they don't really begin to notice "toxic" people in their lives until probably late high school at the earliest. That's an adult concept. Most kids are actually very open and forgiving and will hang out with a "bad influence" or user or mean friend and keep going in for more punishment. They don't really have the cognitive ability yet to look look at "how does this person affect MY self-image, self-respect, self-esteem?" They don't have as deep, personal feelings about friendships as we grown-ups do. So it would be years before your son would notice... and ultimately it's his choice as he gets older. Just lay out your values and expectations and don't compromise them.

My kids are a bit younger than your son but it helps to actively teach him specific social skills and role play them. If he always gets in trouble playing with this child point that out to him. I started doing this with my son in preschool. He always fought with one child and I told him to just stay away from this boy. We also went through what to do instead of hitting daily fro a while (his big issue at 3). So teach your son some specific responses to this friend's negative behaviors. And if there is a big problem tell him he can't play with this child for a few days or a week. My mom did this when we were in grade school on occasion.

I'm really not getting this. You are worried about a child who is so young he has to have his mom at the playground with him hacking your computer and tracking down your son on Facebook?

The social networking is simple - don't do it!

As for the hacking, I'm thinking you're giving this kid a whole lot of credit although maybe it's easy to hack a facebook account - I don't know. I don't do Facebook.

You can't really tell your son not to play with this kid at the playground. If you do, your son will likely suffer as the other kids will all play together and your son won't be able to join because the other kid is playing. So my advice is for you and your children to stay away from the playground or go at a later time when the other kids are not there.

It really seems simple - either you go to the playground and deal with it, or you don't go to the playground. There is really not much else you can do.

Wow, I assumed the kids involved were pretty small -- until I read your last sentence. Maybe that was a joke? Do you really fear this kid would hunt down your child online? I hope it was indeed a joke.

The fact you're moving makes this all so, so much easier. You really have only three to four more months of even being in the same town as this kid; if your son is already a good kid who listens to you and other adults and doesn't torment other kids' siblings, I doubt that another four months of exposure to this boy will change that; however, I do appreciate your wanting to be done with this kid. If the only place they cross paths is at the playground: Can you arrange with your daughter's friends' parents to meet at the playground at a different time of day, when you are fairly sure the boy won't be present? Can you invite your daughter's friends over for play dates at home, and do the same for friends of your son's who are better playmates than this boy? I would find new ways and places to see friends if this boy is such an issue.

Alternatively, carry on with your routines but cease to take this; have you ever corrected this boy when, for instance, he's rude to your daughter? If his mom only says "Yeah, right," I wonder -- does she correct him or just shake her head and have the attitude of "I wish he weren't that way" without saying a word to him? Frankly, especially with a child I know!, I have no qualms about saying to that child, "We don't talk that way in our family, and that was not polite" etc.

He will try to get around it but if the mom really is "good folks" she should back you up. Really if she does see the problem -- he needs a lot more discipline at home and on the playground while "in the act."

He's actually not too young to understand that a friendship is unhealthy, he may be too young to notice (as the previous poster said about teens) but that doesn't mean he can't understand it. On the one hand you'll be moving and this will be a non-issue in a matter of months, but it might be a good time to at least start a friendship dialogue with your son and start grasping the language and nuance of friendships.

Ask your son how HE feels about this kid. Does he resent being tattled on, is he frustrated by how he is treated? Does he see how mean the kid is? What does he value about playing with this other kid? Does that outweigh the negative parts of his behavior? Get him thinking about these things now, he can understand them. He may not make any changes at the park now, but the sooner you can get him to think in terms of "is this person a real friend to me?" the better.

Beyond that, he (as all kids) needs to learn how to handle people that are unpleasant or even toxic. Boundaries do need to be drawn, but that doesn't always mean simple avoidance. The park is convenient and popular for all of you, avoiding that place doesn't help you really, you give up more than you gain. So keep going to the park, but help guide your son to make choices once there that he (and you) can feel good about. Role play some scenarios of typical stuff from this kid and practice how he can handle it. The more he can imagine saying "I don't like it when you..." the more likely he will be to say it in real life. Then he can say, "I don't like this game, I'm going to go swing for awhile by myself" or whatever to NOT get sucked in by a toxic friend.

Mindy T. wrote almost exactly what I was going to write!

I know how you feel, I do not like hanging out watching that kind of behavior either. If you know where this kid will be, go elsewhere. You don't have to hang out at the school playground right after school. You're in the habit, you just need to break it. Scoop up the kids and go to a different playground, or to the library one day, or out for ice cream one day, or take them each home with a friend on Friday for an after-school playdate at your house. Research after school clubs and activities. I've become an expert at different points over the years on avoiding badly behaved children. A little extra effort can lead to a lot less stress. If it bothers you as much as it would me, you have to be willing to remove yourselves from the situation. I wouldn't worry about the future. 2nd grade and you're moving? They'll both quickly find other friends.

how old is this kid that he is going to by cyber stalking your son?
Really if you are moving away and you only have to deal for a few more months just let it go. I have had to deal with kids like with friends- my sons and I have the same sense of humor so usually dealing with these people becomes a game with us- "So what do you think soandso is going to do today- try to get you jump off a cliff? Teach your kid to be stronger than this kid lead dont follow I know it sounds cliche but honestly the wolves survive on the sheep.

You're the mother, it's your JOB to help guide your children in choosing the right friends and disallow the wrong ones. That's not being controlling in a negative way. It's exerting your parental right and it's a necessity to your son's well being.

You don't have to penalize your daughter. Have her initiate play dates with her friends in other locations besides this park. It's much easier to avoid people than you're making it out to be.

I realize that the parents seem to be great people and parents, but they're missing the mark on their child right now. He's aggressive, bullying, disrespectful, and defiant to authority. It doesn't mean much if his mother acknowledges his behavior and attitude if she's not doing anything about it to correct the behavior and show him that it won't be tolerated.

You're your child's best advocate. That means no excuses in protecting them.

"I'm sorry Sarah, we won't be around the park as much for a while. The boys are having trouble getting along lately so I thought that maybe once they've matured a little bit we could try again. This age can be so tough. We can keep in touch and get together for a date night if we can find sitters on the same night, though."

You seem well educated, I'm sure you've thought of other parks or other times?

Plus, you're moving - what's the issue?