Attitude Problem

I always used options instead of demands.
For breakfast do you want cereal or eggs?
Do you want to wear your ed shirt or your blue shirt?

Also give him a heads up.. Today after breakfast we will go to the store. Pick a snack to take with you. We do not buy snacks at the store. Do you want to take juice or water in your sippy for the ride to the store?
This afternoon after nap, we need to pick up the cleaning for dad.

In 10 minutes we will need to get ready to go to the store. You will want to start putting your toys away in about 2 minutes.. Then remind him in 2 minutes.

Ask him to be your helper..
Will you please help mommy get ready to go to the store?
Can you find my keys?
Could you pick a snack for me to take to the store?
Will you help me remember we need dog food for puppy when we get to the store? Will you please carry your diaper bag to the car? Will you make sure there are 3 diapers in the diaper bag?

After each positive action that he does, let him know he made a good choice. Or he was a big help, or you liked his choice.

The reason this age is so hard is they do not have all of their words yet and they feel like they have no control.. Give him a little of the control and he will feel a lot better.

I have a hard time getting my head around the idea of a 2 year old with an actual attitude problem. Some examples would probably be helpful if you want specific advice or feedback. 2 year olds are going to be defiant, test your boundaries, say 'no' on more than a regular basis, and seek independence to a greater degree than a person at any other age, and will act out for attention, even if that attention is negative. Is that what you mean by 'attitude problem'? It hurts me as a mom to think of a 2 year old being judged so negatively.

What works for me when my 2 year old is being a 2 year old are:
- patience
- empathy
- picking my battles
- diversion
- humor
- increased attention given to positive behavior
- sometimes ignoring when it's clear that they are seeking attention with negative behavior
- knowing that this is a normal phase that will pass with time

Power struggles will result in more defiance, and will likely cause a rift between you and your son.

I had to spend some time thinking about what is non-negotiable for me, and what is not worth a fight. Some examples:

Non-negotiable:
- being buckled in the car seat
- brushing teeth before bed
- anything related to safety
- whining or acting out when she wants something - she has to ask nicely
- not hurting other people

Negotiable - I won't fight about this stuff:
- just about everything else
- picking her own clothes
- brushing her hair
- disposable vs cloth diapers
- helping put ALL toys away - 3-4 toys is helpful enough at this age
- eating dinner - she eats what we serve, and if she doesn't eat it, then fine - I don't worry about her starving anymore
- sitting at the table until everyone has finished eating
- hugging other people hello or goodbye
- crying and having a temper tantrum - she needs to go through this sometimes. I respond with hugs and empathy, not punishment. If it means leaving the grocery store before we're done shopping, then so be it.

Good luck - but have patience with your son. He's 2, not 16.

Hi J.,

I've had great success with "I love you too much to agrue" and just repeat that same statement instead of agruing with the children.

Good Luck

R. Magby

I think Laurie A is right on target here. I would give my kids options when I could, but when my kids were little and there were no other options, I eliminated using the phrase "ok?". I would say, It's time to do X now. By using "ok?", it appears to them that they have an option, which they really didn't in that instance (because "no" is a viable response to ok). If they said no, I would apologize "oh, i'm sorry, dude, that wasn't a question. We need to do X now"

stick to your house rules, and discipline, EVERY time. also offer as many choices as possible and whenever you can, avoid the battles. most of them aren't really worth fighting. let him make as many choices as you realistically can, which will empower him and make him feel validated. remember part of the battles of the terrible twos is we run their lives and make their decisions for them, but they are getting older and are now able to make many of their own decisions. i'd be frustrated too if i had opinions about things and everyone just kept making choices for me without even asking my opinion..!

Two and three are horribly frustrating years in the life of a child. They understand enough to know what they want, but have almost no power to get it, and very little control over their emotions. What they want, they want now. What they don't want seems intolerable to them.

I don't know what you mean by self-soothing; little kids can do that, but generally only when they've been coached and encouraged and feel confident and well bonded. An unhappy or often-frustrated toddler is seldom good at self-soothing, though some kids give up and stop struggling for what they want if they finally become convinced they'll never get it.

Give your little guy as much control as you can, or at least be creative about the appearance of control. Give him choices that still meet your needs; "Do you want to get your shirt on now, or do you want to put on pants first?" "Which bedtime book would you like to read tonight?" and so forth.

And transitions are really, really hard for kids because they are so present-moment, and totally invested in what they are doing. So warn him when he'll need to switch gears in 10 minutes. Then in two minutes. He'll deal with it better. And make the new activity sound positive and interesting; "When we get to the store, you can help me look for the cereal and the apples." or "As soon as you're tucked into bed, we'll cuddle and read your book together."

Teach yourself to watch for his good behavior. Kids want to please, especially if they are appreciated for it: "I see a boy who's strong enough to carry that grocery bag!" "Wow, look how well you use your fork on those noodles!" Be specific, this is so much more effective than just saying "good job." You'll find that positive comments tend to elicit more positive behavior than scolding or punishing for wrong behavior.

Also check out this video by Dr. Harvey Karp, author of Happiest Toddler on the Block, to see how he captures kids attention and affection by empathizing with them when they are wailing for something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... .

We went with the reward system. We got a chart and gave him simple tasks to accomplish and if he did with none to minimal attitude then he would get the award. He responded really well with it and eventually we started making the tasks harder and harder to go with his age level. He is now four and we still use it.
The whole self-soothing thing is hard and no it doesnt always work but I found that with the positive reinforcement and the clear expectations things got a little eaiser.
Try and start something now though, whatever it may be because in all seriousness the terrible two's have nothing on the horrible three's or the mischevious know it all four's.
Good luck