Attitude & the Look...

Well, I don't have a teenager yet, (my oldest is 9) but I do remember being a teenager. It wasn't that long ago, was it? Only ten years... eep! Headstrong, independent, and almost an adult. There's not much that you say that's actually gonna get through to her at this point. At least I was convinced I knew better at that age. My best advice is to tell her she can have whatever she wants now, as long as she buys it herself. You have to be resolute, though. No more allownace, no giving in, even to the dreaded look. (Oh, and the 'tude will probably get worse before it gets better.) It will force her to save money for the big ticket items she wants. And it might even teach her a bit about the value of money while she's at it. And if you have the gumption look into showing her Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. If a person puts $2000 into an IRA every year starting at 18, by the time they retire (at projected interest rates), they will be a millionaire. Might give her a bit of motivation to start saving. ;)

This is a tough stage. She is developing into her own person. She still has the selfishness of a child, but gaining some responsibilities as an adult. She is a teenager which means you are going to get "the look" and the silent treatment a lot!! The sooner you get used to being the bad guy, the better. She's going to push the limits/boundaries but you HAVE to be firm. After all, you are still the adult which means you have the authority whether she likes it or not.

J., This all will pass. Remember, this is a big year in her life, she is trying to figure out what she wants for the rest of her life! She is trying to "break away", she wants to make big decisions yet still needs guidance. BE Patient, we used to kid our daughters, (5!) when we got the look or the silent treatment, (ah, the peace and quiet... or If I had a quarter for that look I would be rich, or get the camera, I want to remember this moment...) Let her know, both at good times and bad, if she wants to talk or needs your opinion, you are there. Tell her you remember being her age, and understand how she feels. On a good day, ask if she wants help in managing her finances, or wants to talk. Your time is getting short, be open to tough conversations. Let her know you are interested because you care, not to be controlling!
Tough age, Make the best of it, breathe. It is worse than "terrible two's". Try not to judge, listen. If she is not in trouble all the time, give her respect. Know you have given her guidance to this point and she is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. K.

I did foster care for high risk teenage girls (11 placements over six years,ages 12 to 19)and I coached high school swimming for 4 years. The best advice I have for you is DONT TAKE IT PERSONAL.
Keep enforcing the rules, teenagers like boundaries (even though they don't want you to know that)because it gives them security and they know what to expect in the future. Overall the relationship is the most important thing. Worry more about what she does right and tell her. Teenagers on average get one positive comment for every ten negative.

It is so frustrating when great isn't good enough for them and what they have is never enough. I wish we could send all teenagers to a third world country for a month. Wow, would they change their outlook on life. Two-thirds of the world eats rice for every meal and most people of the world do not own cars.

That is a lot of advice. But that is what I learned and I hope it helps.

Once our foster daughters turn 20 or 21 about half of them come back and say thank you and sorry.

Good luck.

I remember those days well. Well for one since she has a job, the first thing is to get her saving. My parents use to make us save 35% of our check to a Christmas Club. That way we could not take it out. Now a days you can, but I believe you get penalized. The saving in the Christmas club worked out nice, cause then at Christmas time we had money to purchase gifts, and the left over went in the savings account. Or you could have her save a percentage each paycheck and put it in the bank. Just let her know. That that money is for when there is the certain thing she really wants, then she can purchase it herself.

With my kids, we did the same. They had to put a percentage in the bank, and what they did with the rest was up to them. One thing our kids had to do when they got their drivers license, is pay what the cost of upping our insurance was to add them. It was at that time maybe $46.00 for 3 months. This gave them responsibility. If they wanted to drive they had to pay the insurance every 3 months. One word of advice I don't know if this will help is if she is giving you the silent treatment, giving it back is worse for them. They can't handle it. And when she gets her "tude" that is when you give the silent treatment. When you say NO to something and she gets the tude, all you have to say is if you want it badly enough you will save for it.

Another thing is to sit down and go over the rules, add in your new rules, and maybe put a rule in there about the "tude" and what will happen when she gives it to you.

One big thing is that your husband and yourself must agree to back each other up. Not that she can run to Dad when Mom says No.

I hope this will help. One other thing. When she is giving you her "tude" have her go to her room, and tell her she can come out when she is ready to talk, or act accordingly.

Be consistent.

Good Luck

Hugs Mary

I have two children who are now 26 and 24. I went through the attitudes, but hang in there you are doing more for your child by being strict, having rules and enforcing them then by bring their "friend." My oldest son made me cry when I took him to college. He said, "Mom I am glad now you were a strict mom, many of my friends will not make it because they did not have to follow rules." There are rewards, you just have to wait.

i don't have teenagers.. but i of course was one..lol
and now adult person looking back and having that same view..until i really saw other people who had nothing. started helping out at a shelter,, seeing there were others so very much less fortunate than myself. not just monetary wise but family, food etc.

most teenagers have an entitlement attidude.. i guess it's all part of being a teenager..lol

i would get her and you or maybe your whole family involved in something volunteer together.. it would be a great family event and also a learning one for her to see how good she has it and to be more appreciative of what she DOES have and not only want what she doesn't have.
that's my two cents.

I raised to daughters and a son and the teen years are really tough. I think they're tougher than toddler years because you have less control.

You have to remember that right now you are not her friend, but her mother. Calmly drawn expectations and boundaries are vital. Pick your battles. That may mean ignoring "the look" (yes, I really disliked it too!) for the more important character issues.

Talk with your spouse and decide what decisions you need to make to point her in the direction of the destination you hope for her. Be a very intentional parent. She may not talk to you much right now as she's trying to pull away and grow up, but she still loves you and cares what you think.

Look for moments that can teach with nothing but a sentence. Model what you hope for her.

There were some pretty tough times as mine grew up. I'm sure I made mistakes while I did some things right. All three are lovely adults now and have become the people I'd hoped they would be. Try to keep your focus on the big picture and the end goal.

Sum it up? Be her mom, not her friend and be an intentional parent. Be blessed!

Look into a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course for her through your church or you can order his materials online and do the course with her.....
Otherwise, I've heard girls can be like that with the attitude and such..... Best wishes!

If our children liked us all the time and never gave us 'tude' and thought of us as their BFF's (best friend frorever) then we aren't doing the job right!!!! Keep it up, ignore the tude and know you're on the right track with her!

Well, I started running....a lot! lol. It lowers my stress. But, She's 17. Man if that's your biggest worry.....You got it made in the shade mama. Just smile back!

I know from my teen years that if you let her keep getting everything she wants then you will be helping her forever. I am now 27 and I had to have help for a while cause I was given everything. My parents would still help me out now if I asked but the point is she needs to learn responsibility and if she doesn't now then when will she. I wish I had sooner so I would maybe have more now then I do. Just a thought have her get a savings account and make it to where she can't have money out of it unless you both sign for it and have her give you the reason why she needs the money. If it is a good thing then let her but if it isn't then tell her NO. Also have her put so much in each payday and set a budget for all her other spending. Then she will have something to fall back on in the future. She will thank you in the long run when she sees that all you are doing is trying to help her for the future. I hope this helps.

J., I am with You!!!
My little one is exactly 17 also, ans she is a SHE :).
STAY FIRM, NOT A STEP BACKING UP!!!
They all have those looks (I am also an English teacher, and I do teach in middle and high school).
Look they may have, but this should be about as far as their rebellion is allowed to go.
And yes, the world does revolve around them, and they are definitely the Center of the world. This is so absolutely normal. I just smile and say: I know honey, sorry I am in this position of having to be Your mom, it is my job, and I have to say 'no' although I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same when I was in the similar situation.
When I was driving, and she was sitting in the passenger seat, she kept telling me when I need to put the turn light on, when it's time to start moving when the red traffic light turns green, when I need to start passing another car on the highway, putting the car on the hand break when we parked and so on. It lasted for about a week. Then I said: "So, my dear know-it-all, when you are holding at the wheel I do tell you some things, as your level of experience does not match to mine (yet). Yet when I am holding onto the steering wheel, you stay quiet and say not a word and keep your hands away from all of the levers and buttons. If you don't I stop the car, you step out and walk. She definitely did it again. I did stop the car, asked her to step out and she, furious, did. I let her walk 2 minutes along the road, then stopped the car near her, and ordered to sit in the car. She said thanks I'll get there. I said then You won't get to drive this car anymore. Like a lightning, she was in the car, and ever since, we live happily in the car, ever after.
Same with all the other things. Your word is a LAW. With all the respect to her, she has to admit it. Just, do it politely, never get angry, always remind her (Before you confirm your firm 'no') that you deeply respect her, her privacy, human rights, but sorry at this very ,moment of this life in this moment, the things will go as You said. If the questions continue, i sometimes had to say: "because i say so", and her 'why' got a response: "because I am your mom".
Now, a tough thing: she was asking to pierce her lip. I said "no way". Guess what? She comes with the ring in the left side of her lip. This was the worst thing she ever did (Otherwise, she is a sweetie, bright and kindhearted girl, good grades, good friends, all fine, also she works). I was in a shock, of course. My husband came up with an idea, and he told her: you take this thing out, and we will continue helping you with the car insurance payment. (she has a car, which she is paying her brothers the money for it, as they helped her to get it for 1300). "If you keep this lipring," my husband continued, "you pay for the car insurance and phone". He was sure she will take the ring off. Guess what? She keeps the ring (this is the peer pressure issue, and the importance of belonging to the group at this age), she PAYS FOR HER car insurance and phone. When she has no money for it, she does not drive, as I pay for the things. Once she gets money together to pay me the money I spent on her needs (insurance, phone), she brings me that money and gets to drive her car again. meanwhile, her friends pick her up, when she needs it. So, this ring costs her a fortune now, but I did not interfere into her space, and let her look like she wanted to. Well, she'll grow out of it and take the ring out and the hole will grow back, but she does not even dream of any tattoos, as she knows I will be much more than furious and she does not even want to think of consequences. I never take her phone away though, as I need to always be in connection with her: this is another rule of the house: we all always know who is where, including us adults. Unbeknownst to her, i checked several times if she is at the place where she informs me she is, and she never lied to me. So, all is well in our world. But I do get these looks once in awhile, less now, as she knows the fences I post, will not move, and it is better to be on a friendly note with me.
So, this is briefly the report to you about our problems and solutions.
If you wish to talk more, please feel free to always leave me a message, i will be happy to converse.
I have 2 sons, 23 and 25, they are wonderful people, both work 2 jobs, go to college, and we are great friends. they were teenagers, also, and we made it! So will we make it with girls, dear J.!!!!
Good Luck, GooDay to You and Your dear Princess!!!!
M.

Believe me, "the look" and the non-talking are just her way of trying to test you. I am 33 years old and can not tell you how many times I did this to test my poor mother when I was 17. The best advice I can give you is to not show her that it bothers you in the least. Stick to your rules and continue to stand your ground on the things you say no to her about. Consistency is the best way to deal with teenagers. You show them they can get to you and they will certainly use that as their weapon of choice in any future squabbles you may have. I think it is great that she has a part time job. One thing that my parents did for me to force me to save my money was to open a savings account that required both of our signatures before any money could be withdrawn. As long as I lived under their roof, the agreement was that 1/2 of each paycheck went into the bank. The rest I was free to do as I wished. But they laid out ground rules as to what I was responsible to pay for on my own, such as, car insurance and gas, so that taught me real quick the value of a dollar. After spending a couple of nights at home because I spent my money on an outfit for a party instead of the gas money to get there...I learned my lesson. To ease your mind....my parents and I are VERY close now....I love them for the guidance they provided me growing up. At the time I hated them for it....but now that I am an adult and a mother myself, I can not thank them enough for loving me so much that they put up with my "tudes", in order to mold me into an independant, responsible woman. I hope I am able to do the same for my son and daughter. Best of luck to you.

J., Do you make her responsible for her own expenses??? If she has a part time job, she should be made responsible for some of her needs and wants, like designer clothes vs. common clothes, (her choice), outings, gas money (does she drive yet?) etc. You don't have to say no, then, to many things. Just...."Is it in your budget?" Pretty quickly, she will learn that she has to manage her money more carefully. If she shows that she can/will do it, then you can decide to help her out here and there when it's necessary. This is practice for the real world. I'm of course, saying this depending on the amount of money she makes. You have to know what things she is capable of taking care of, and, you are, of course her parent still. So, using your judgement on rules, and limits is still applicable here, and making sure her needs are taken care of too.
We use Dave Ramsey's method of budgeting, where all our money is accounted for. We have envelopes for cash spending, and don't use credit cards. Once the money is used up in a particular area, such a groceries, we don't spend more. Then we have a real grasp on when to say NO to things, so that we can say YES to eating. The same thing applies to all other areas for us. Sometimes we have left over, and then we feel like being good stewards of our money gives us the right and pleasure to treat ourselves to something special. I hope you find a middle ground that you and she can live with. Good luck.
J.

Ahhhhhhhh! The wonderful years of teenagers! I have 4 teens Plus three little ones, my teens are 16, 2 are 15 and a 14 year old,I haven't figures out who are worse the little ones or the teens, probably the teens at least with the little ones you have some control :).

I can say I don't have to much of a problem when I say no, especially if they have money of thier own, I take care of necessities and the occasional wants, but usually they have to do it on there own. With 7 kids I can't always say yes, If she is working she should be able to take care of her wants and a few of her needs, I did at that age and took care of a friends baby, if she has almost always got what she wants it will be hard to turn it around but I don't think it's impossible, sit her down and let her know what you expect of her and what you are going to do for her. And stand by it, it is very important that our teens learn how to budget and just what exactly the value of a dollar is, lord knows it isn't the same as three years ago!

To the "tude" I have 4 of them who like to use it against me the problem is I don't care, I will not force you to talk to me and if you want to give me "the look".... go for it! It is there way of manipulating the situation (Its a temper tantrum), and the first time we give in they win. IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE, I know how hard it is when all you want to do is walk up and slap them and let them know just how ungrateful they are, but the best way to "win" is to not fall to there level. I always tell mine that I am sorry that my decision upsets them but I am doing what I feel is right,one way I try to break the ice, sometimes it works, is to also tell them that if my decisions screw's them up as adults I promise to pay for any therapy they need, depending on how mad they are with me I will get a smile.

One other thing I will be doing very soon is taking my kids to help in a soup kitchen or salvation army (who my kids always donate money to during the holidays even if it is thier last dollar) so this way they can see just how bad it is out thier, and helps them realise just how good they have had it, we were really poor for our fisrt few years up here, and we do well know but it wasn't always so, so I want them to appriciate all they have no matter how big or small.

Boy that was long.......didn't mean for it to be! But good luck and remember her "payback" will come one day LOL.

I wouldn't worry about the look. You are her parent, not her friend.

When I was a teenager I was required to put 50% of my paycheck in the bank and could spend the rest on what I wanted. Low and behold when I needed money for my first car, there it was! It was a lesson I never forgot. We started when I began taking babysitting jobs at 13. The money in my savings account also helped me during rough semesters in college and when I first got married. That's some lesson in saving.

I think the sense of entitlement that kids have today comes from us giving them too much. Almost every teenager I know thinks they have a "right" to a cell phone. (Note that I don't have teenagers of my own, but I have teenage newphews.) Ditto on the iPod. They enjoy their parents higher standard of living and don't even think about how the parents had to struggle to get there.

I also note that most parents of teenagers are still buying their kids toys as gifts. Why not buy them more practical gifts (towels, pots and pans, dishes, a microwave, etc.) so that when they move out on their own, they already have some of the basic goods? They might not appreciate it now, but they certainly will appreciate it later.

Good luck, be strong!

M.

I have 8 children. One will be turning 17 in a few weeks. I know what it's like to have the tude. I felt the knife in my heart many times. The hardest thing to deal with as a mother in my opinion is having my precious little babies growing up and treat me like I am their enemy and my whole purpose in life is to ruin theirs instead of protecting them.

Have you ever watched the old, old, movie called "The Yearling"? It would be good to find it, rent it out and watch it. It is a classic and a support to good parenting. Kid's don't know what real love is. Hollywood is a bad mentor. Our responsibility is to love them and prepare them for life so they can survive on their own.

What I have experienced is that when some of my kids moved out I didn't see them much. But then after a time they came back and celebrated me. Every week-end I am on the phone to many of them (They call me!). Parents focus "has to be" mostly on the future of their child.

When things get tough and they are shocked by life they will come back and blame you that you didn't raise them right. Kids will blame you for anything they can. So I made the decision that when they found out life was not as fun as they thought it would be they wouldn't come back and blame me for anything but teaching them the truth.

So if you stick to your guns she will see you as stable and someone she can trust as she gets older. If you have required her to save her money and she refuses to obey, then let her spend it. But don't give her any money to get her out of trouble. Let her find out that you really are on her side when she matures.

I have not seen any adults who's parents continue to get them out of trouble turn out. We buried my brother-in-law a few years ago as his mother continued to make him happy giving him money that helped him drink himself to death.

If you love your child, you will suffer pain at some point. But that is what love is. 1Co.13, Love suffers a long time but doesn't give up. I think it may be harder for someone who has only one child and they are the world to the parents. But be encouraged. I have been through it many times. Do what is right for her and she will thank you for it someday. A.