Help I Have a Teenager.....

I recommend setting up a reward system that ties directly to grades and good behavior. Also, set ground rules or parameters for when she can drive - times when you feel comfortable with her driving - quick errands, riding to school, etc.

By not letting her take the car everywhere you are teaching
her patience. If you let her go whereever and whenever she
wants, she will be running the car schedule, not you. You ARE being fair! What does a 16 year old know at this point in life? They think they own the world. Be careful, be cautious about where and when she goes. I hope this helps.

Please be her mother and not her friend. You cannot be 'easy going' on this one, you are trying to save her life...we all watch the news! You have to make her understand no, means no and doesn't always have to be followed up w/an answer to "how come?" - at least my mom didn't. You are in charge, just remember that! No matter how mad she gets or how often at least she's mad up in her room and you know where she is, as opposed to the alternative.

S. hello, I SOOOOOOOO can relate to what you are feeling right now. I'm a 37 year old single mom of two. My son is 17 and my daughter is 13. My 17 year old just received his license a week ago and I'm sort of experiencing the same things. My son likes to work out and both of the kids belong to the YMCA in the area, which is about 10 minutes away. So everyday I have been allowing him to go, on his own, workout. I have also allowed him to do small task for me. This has helped alittle. I realized, one, he has done everything that required him to get a license and passed so I have to trust him and two, right now he's excited, just like when he received his permit. If I could survive the permit then I will survive the license. I have also decided to use this burning desire of his to my advantage. Now because he wants to drive everywhere and can't it has sparked a new fire in him to pursue getting a job because now he wants his own car. For me I see this as just another tool to help me help him.

Did your daughter buy the car herself? Does she pay for her own insurance, fuel, and maintenance? If she is taking care of all of those things on her own, I would imagine she is responsible enough to handle the driving. However, if these expenses are coming out of your pocket, then you reserve the right to determine when, where, and how often these expenses should occur. Simple family economics: "She who pays the bills makes the rules."
And let her know that if she thinks you are being unfair or unreasonable, that she is welcome to get a job, save up her money, and pay for her own car. She may just surprise you and actually do it!
Good luck!

FIRST OFF, LET ME CONGRATULATE YOU FOR GETTING YOUR CHILD TO 16 IN ONE PIECE.Now, she wants to age you another 10 years while you worry about her safety and her decision-making.
Your first response to her should be that driving is a priviledge not a right. Your trust in her needs to be demonstrated over a period of time, not coming home from the DMV. I would tell her that she is on a probationary trial with you for a period of time. The trips that she makes will be short and purposeful, to help you with the family, not pleasure seeking rides for her. I would also insist (if the state does not) that no other friends ride with her for a 4-6 mo. period. If she doesn't have a meltdown, it shows great maturity on her part. remember, you are the adult here!

S.,
We must always remind our children that we have their best interest at heart. Her driver's license are not license to be in the street at every whim. You are the mother, don't allow your daughter to bully you by making you feel guilty about your decisions. Be firm with her. She may become upset with you now but she will thank you later for it. Trust me I know. I have a 19 and 25 years old. They both thank me now for being tough with them because it showed I care.

First I would state that being able to drive is a priv. not a right....Thus said nothing in life comes free...If she wants to drive she should earn that right.....by school, home chores, ect......maybe she just has to much free time so to speak on hand.......And as far as getting mad....there is actions and re-actions for everything we do....With anger comes loss of some time behind wheel...I think children need boundries....and sounds like she is unsure of where her's is in regards to the car (or her new toy...lol)maybe take time to set the rules you want inforced and stick to them...let her know what takes away from it and what adds to it..lol...I do not have a child your age yet...as long as my daughter understands her boundries we get along wonderfully...And others are constantly asking how i get her to behave so well...Good luck.

If she's mad and says your not being fair, then you are doing the right thing and being a good mom. That is what I have decided with my own children. I am 31 with a 14 and 12 year old. Everytime I make a decision that I think is best for them and they do not agree with, I get told I am mean and unfair and I never let them do anything fun. My response is to say "im the mom thats my job" and walk away. No argueing, no bickering, my say is final. 16 is to young to be driving around. Stand your ground, if something happens to her you will feel horrible and wish you had. Good luck, I know I will be going through this fight with my own soon!

I'm reading this great book called Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood. (by Foster W. Cline, Jim Fay). I highly recommend it. It can help you with this issue and many more. Good luck.

Remember we made the rules we are the grownp ups Sit down talk it calmly and negogiate

Hello S.,

I totally understand your plight with the teenager and their demands. I have a 15 year old and work with toddlers at my younger daughters' preschool. I recommend that she earn the time necessary to take the car and maybe employment to help her understand the maintenance and insurance concerns with car ownership. If she wants to behave as an adult then she must do it the way that we have to... no freebies. You can't get something for nothing. I hope that things work out for the best.

Good Luck
N.

Being a teenager once and remembering how excited I was, I was the same way. Maybe you could give her little errands to run for you. Let her go to the store and pick up some things, that way she's helping you out but she gets to drive at the same time.

S., I have a 20 yr.old girl and a soon to be 15 yr. old boy. I also expierenced this with my daughter and I'm sure my son will be the same. I figured that the more time they have behind the wheel the better because there is nothing worse than a driver who is a little tense and uncomfortable behind the wheel. I had her running silly errands for me also, so she would get even more time driving. Although my daughter would never have admitted at the time she later confessed that it took about a year before it became second nature to drive. I've seen so many really bad teen drivers that nothing but expierence will help. I know it is driving you crazy,it did me, but some of the novelty will wear off eventually.
Hang in there and wish ME luck with my son! ha ha
C.

My advice is, "you" as the parent should set initial ground rules for your daughter's driving priviledges. She is 16, but she is not an adult-although she may be very responsible. (I am assuming you are paying the note (or either you bought the car), and you are paying the insurance.) Since you know your daughter better than anyone else, you know her character and habits. When creating driving priviledges be reasonable, yet stern enough as to insure her safety. For example: in some counties teens have curfews, so stipulate that in her priviledge rights, make sure she is not on her cell phone- or suggest an ear piece, make sure that there are only 2 additional people in the car with her as she drives, so that she can maintain her focus on the road and other drivers...Have at least 6 stipulations and make sure you both sign it.

I think if you set the ground rules early-with a consequence for each rule broken-and carry it out, don't buckle under (peer) pressure; allow no room for further discussion on the rules, your daughter will eventually get it, and (after you get through the emotionalism that comes from our teens and their perception of what's fair), you will feel at peace as you administer your role as "parent" in this situation in your daughter's life. Remember the issure is not a "car", but one of "control".

Hi S.

My daughter is now 22 but when she turned 16, I was a single parent with one car, I never saw my car besides work, it's the newness of having a lic., make rules, as long as she obeys the rules and respects the rules, I remember when I was 16 all I wanted to do was drive, didn't matter where, I just wanted to drive, after about 6 months, my daughter didn't drive as much. The newness wear off. It might be different for you, this is your baby leaving the nest, I only had one so she was my first and last. good luck

S... I had 5 daughters and I totally understand. They think as soon as they get their license they never have to be home again. Just sit down with her and tell her you want to be fair but she has to be fair also. The 2 of you need to set some ground rules of where she can go, what time she needs to be home and if anything like chores or homework needs to be done first. It should make things alot easier for you because you are figuring it out together. Good luck!

I agree with Jennifer.We all should remember how it felt to want to drive everywhere.Instead of fighting against it, just let het do all the running of the small errands or even let her drive sometimes when your in the car so that you can see how she drives.It will take a while but the sooner you let her break it in the sooner the urge will die down a bit and she won't be as eager.I guess it's a sense of independence and growing up that makes it so exciting,either way she's perfectly normal in her feelings and the more you fight against it, the harder it will be on everyone.

Tell her that Fair comes once a year and lasts 10 days! (I'm referring to the State Fair). My Mom always said that to us and I thought I would never say it, but I do! lol. Anyway, you need to set ground rules about when and where she can go and if she can't abide by those rules, she will lose her driving privilages, because that's exactly what it is, a privilage. The state is not the only ones who can take her license away, you can take it away if she doesn't abide by your rules. Don't argue with her, tell her that's what is it and that's it. I look at it this way, it's my job to make rules for them to live by and if it makes them mad and they are angry with me, they'll get over it. One day she will see that you do the things you do for her safety and that you aren't so "dumb" after all. Stand your ground and good luck!

Here is my suggestion: she needs to understand that driving is a privledge AND is is also a luxury, especially with gas and insurance the way it is now. Make her pay for her own gas, her part of the car insurance, any maintenance required like oil changes, etc., and absolutely make her pay for any damages that she causes to that car so she'll understand that even a small thing can cost a LOT of money. She'll stop driving everywhere everyday real quick when she has to work for that gas money and everything else. At least she'll think twice and you'll be teaching her some real-world responsibility. At the very least, if she is not working and making money, put her on a budget from the money you give her and STICK TO IT. Don't give in one inch when she wines after a few days that she doesn't have money for gas because well, she spent it on something else. Not your problem! Otherwise, she'll never learn how to manage her money or set priorities, and will always be stuck in spoiled-brat mode. Believe me, this works wonders for the teenager: paying for their own stuff, including the right to drive, it gives them a real sense of accomplishment and confidence. Besides, it's better that she make her mistakes now while she's under your roof and you can manage the damage than when she is older and the consequences are more dire. Also, have you had the "we can be sued for everything we've got if you screw up in the car" talk? That's really important, too. Good luck! I know for me, my favorite sound these days is the sound of that key in that front door when my son comes home at night. I just thank God every time I hear it.
Sincerely, C.

I want to thank you for this question as I will soon be in the same boat. As many of the others have said, driving is a privilege and not a right. You are always concerned with your child's safety from the moment she was born. You want to give her the responsibility to drive the car for errands or possibly work. But, other kids should not be allowed in the car for a few months. And, specific rules must be set. Consequences will occur if rules have been broken. Be the mom. Talking with her is very important.

I have three teenagers--17, 18 and 19--when they got their driver's license, I had ridden with them enough to know they could drive--following the rules of the road was left to be seen. Two of the three have their own vehicles (which are very old and were paid for by their aunt and their grandparents--the kids are financially responsible for their gas, their car maintenance and their car insurance so they work. When they first started driving, we set physical boundaries of where they could drive--we live in a very rural area so it was at first a limit of about 2 counties--the older, the more experienced and once responsibility was shown, the boundaries were extended. I think a lot of this depends on the child, where you live, if you have a vehicle for each driver, etc. I love it that mine drive now--I send them to the grocery store, pharmacy, dry cleaners, etc. I might have different opinions about this if we lived in a metropolitan area with lots of traffic. If you share a vehicle, maybe you could create a plan when she can drive and where, etc. I don't know if this helps at all but good luck--teeangers are a different breed--but they do grow up and become human again!

Hi S., I have a similar concern with my seventeen year old son. He is very anxious to drive, while appearing to be cluless of the consequences that follows with that responsibility. I think one should judge how responsible their child display. I had inform my son, he needs to reflect some form of responsibilities by getting a part-time job. I am a firm believer that responsibilites + responsibilites = appreciation. LJB

Our son turned 16 this past June. Since he plays football and they had practice all summer starting at 6 a.m., it was a blessing that he could finally drive without one of us. Our rule about his driving is the car is only for driving to school or football practice, and only if he keeps his grades up. No going anywhere else without our permission or he is grounded and he loses the car keys (back on the bus is not a good option according to him -- but it works!).
Good luck!

S., how old is your daughter? If she is under 18, does she have a job to pay for gas? I am in the same boat, and told my daughter that unless she is going to and from school, she has to pay for the gas.....all the money she has saved from working, which she wants to pay for college with, will all dwindle away on gas especially if the prices keep going up. Hang in there....try that and see if it works.....also....if she is not 18, you are the parent.....take control and tell her that when she is 18, she can take control of her own life

K.

My parent's rule on this was if I could pay for the insurance, I could drive. I didn't drive except to church and to summer school. Sadly I only went to summer school so I could have an excuse to drive... I didn't need any classes. LOL

C.

Here it goes....Reverse psychology!
Agree with her and tell that is a wonderful idea make her your personal chauffeur esp when she wants to go the mall! Does she have job? Make her pay part of the that high insurance and chip in for gas! Insist to ride shotgun to all the fun! Wake her up to take you to places and get lost- on purpose, waste her Saturday! So she can have real reason to be angry (SMILE)!

As far as being mad at you, well that means you are doing a good job!
If you really want to shake her up, be someone else for a day!

Example: If you usually easy going become Atilla the Hun! For the whole day! And every time you see her glare and shake your head and huff. When she starts pouting and getting mad at you say "let me give you a reason to be angry...then go in her room and turn it upside down and tell to clean it up! Tell her there is more where that came from. Don't give any explanation and ground her for provoking you! Slam her door. And if she slams another door she didn't pay for her new room will consist of a couch or a bathtub!!!!

After you put on your show you will have to go somewhere and laugh (especaily the couch tub comment -you may want practice so you won't get out of character mid stream) The expression of her face will be one you will enjoy for a lifetime!

I terrorized my kids early so we didn't have those problems...we had others! Remember a mind is terrible thing to waste so use it on your kids often!

Shelia,

I remember when I was a teenager, I was just like her wanting to drive everywhere. My parents taught me life isn't fair and driving is a priviledge. So if she is going to be responsible enough to drive she has to have a good attitude. She needs to be grateful for the times you allow her to drive. Teenagers these days think driving is a game or sport but it is a priviledge. Good luck!

Let her do your running-around-in-the-car chores, saves you time and helps her get use to fact that she can drive. Of course keep her in the safe around town areas. It worked for me with my daughter plus the fact I did not have to run out after a hard day at work, but set up timelines so you can ensure she doesn't go visit with friends while she's out. If she does not meet the deadlines, no driving for a while. You might have to enforce this rule the first couple of times, but it does help with the situation.