is trying to buy their love?
About the age they can start taking advantage of it. My niece knew by about 3-4, that her mom would give her everything, and boy did she exploit it. By about 6 she knew it was only, because she was an absent parent. Then she resented her mom, and still does 6 years later.
First, there's a difference between buying love with money, events, or stuff and just SHOWING love with money, events, or stuff. There's a big difference, and it's a heart issue. What's behind the "gifts".
As for the question of what age can kids tell---pretty early. I was in kindergarten (5 or 6) when I had a talk with my mom about my paternal grandma. With my maternal grandma, she was flying me out to see her when I was 2 all the time. When I was 4 we moved close to her and she babysat while mom worked, and we were so close. She told stories, took me on little outings, played board games and cards, we had our own personal "traditions" that were just the 2 of us. I sat in the kitchen while she cooked, and she cooked my favorites all the time (the BEST fried chicken, gravy, okra and tomatoes, and chocolate pie EVER). I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved me, even though she didn't have much money.
My paternal grandma was different and I knew it. She wasn't very touchy feely, she didn't hug me so much or when I hugged her, it felt kind of awkward. She would look excited to see me and then give me a $100 bill, everytime we saw her (only a few times a year). It kind of became a joke in its way, because that was WAY too much money to give a 5 year old, and it was the same amount even when I was 16 years old. We didn't really play games (there was one game she loved but it was a "grown up game"), she smoked and it hurt my throat (this was like 30 years ago, times were different), there wasn't a whole lot of one on one time, but she gave me money! She also hooked us up with a summer job even as little kids (elementary age) where we got paid $10/hour to run tickets at her sister's auction barn (the biggest in the region), and we'd sit on a horse to show it was "child friendly" or whatever. Easy kid work, but we were RICH when we were there because not many kids my age got $10/week in allowance back then, and I was getting that per hour.
When I brought it up to mom, she explained what she could of it: that grandma was very very very poor growing up in the mountains, and she wanted to make sure we never had to go through what she went through. Her mom died of a very long illness when she was 14 and a couple months later her dad married a 17 year old who was just a kid and not interested in being a mom, so she basically lost her mom AND dad, and became the "mother" of her 4 younger sisters as well (who 65 years later, STILL gave her mothers day cards)---all at the age of 14? She didn't really have much experience with physical love (hugging, holding hands, etc) so it felt strange to her and that's why she didn't hug us so much. They sewed flour sacks to make clothes for school, she got her very first pair of shoes on her wedding night from my grandpa. They farmed to survive, made their own butter and all that. When their son was diagnosed with downs syndrome and they were told to institutionalize him and he wouldn't live past 8, she said no way and that lit a fire under her to make money to take good care of him. She was determined he'd live a proper long life and IF he outlived her, she needed to have enough money to make sure he was taken care of and not in an institution. With help (labor) from grandpa and the cousins, she built the family home, 2 chicken houses, and a beauty shop on the family land. They rented out the old family home they'd built years before. She farmed and raised everything she ate (chicken, egg, fish, fruit/veg), sold what they didn't need to eat or plant, got a contract with restaurants to provide eggs to them, sewed and did mending around town for extra money, she and her sisters worked the beauty shop, etc while my grandpa worked overseas for Lockheed and put it all into savings because she was taking care of all the family needs herself. They became millionaires, my uncle is a little old man of 49 (unheard of for his condition), and he did outlive her but will be well provided for by my dad after my grandpa passes away, should he outlive grandpa. All that work was love, a determination to make things better for her sons and us. So the money she gave us instead of the "same" love as my maternal grandma was, to her, love. At least, what she had to give (not having known how to receive the kind of love my other grandma gave out generously, she didn't have it to give). I preferred the stories and cuddles of my maternal grandma, but when I got old enough to understand my paternal grandma, I saw that it wasn't casual money to give me and get me out of the way, but it was truly a gift of love the only way she knew how--the fruit of her labors. And after understanding this (closer to adulthood), we were able to "train" her to receive hugs and cuddles and have some time to sit under her cherry tree and tell stories. She was a very good great grandma to my boys and my brother's boys! (And money was just for birthdays and Christmas).
Unfortunately, sometimes never. It's different with every situation. Do you have more information?
"Buying" love doesn't mean that the person doesn't love the child. It may mean that they don't think that they, themselves, are enough for a child to love. It may mean that they had very little when they were a child and want to be sure their child has everything. It may mean that they're trying to make up for not being there but yet they do love the child. They just don't know how to show it.
My grandson's other grandma buys him something or more every week. On the surface it looks like she's trying to buy his love. But that's not true. They sincerely love each other. I don't think she's buying his love. Yes, he gets angry when I don't buy him stuff like his other grandma does but he and I also sincerely love each other.
Love is just very complicated and one person cannot always tell another person's motives. Relationships are very complicated. If the child feels love, what does it matter? I would agree that when they're old enough to manipulate then they've learned to feel loved when they receive gifts and so they manipulate.
I suggest it's best to not buy children lots of things because they will associate the overly frequent gifts with love. If you want someone to stop "buying" love perhaps talk with them, in a loving tone of voice, about how doing so affects the child instead of accusing them of buying love.
My ex disappeared for about 4 years and then popped up out of nowhere with a new wife and baby. All of a sudden he wanted to see our daughters. So - after much conjoling, they agreed to go. He took them to lunch and then they walked the shopping center. When I picked them up, they showed me all the stuff the ex bought them...In the end, my older daughter said "You know he's just trying to buy us b/c he feels guilty..." and the little one said "Whatever, if he wants to buy me stuff, he can - doesn't mean I want to spend time with him." They were 14 and 9...I didn't think they would understand what he was doing, but they did. Did it work? Not in the least bit...
Kids are very smart they know when someone is giving gifts for love, but you never really bought feelings I think is just a "in the moment" thing.
Kids can tell fake love. Even if they may not be able to verbally explain that succinctly, and what they feel inside or their 'hunches.
How they handle it or process it or manifest that knowledge and feelings... depends on the age of the child/maturity/emotional foundation.
Well...we are dealing with this to some degree with my husbands mom. She is constantly showering our oldest with gifts...and having just him over and what not....
He is six and is learning all he has to do is bat his eyes in grandma general direction and she jumps.
I am diligently trying to get him to see he can not expected the sun from her and get everything he wants. He is learning that little brothers are not as ''Lucky'' when it comes to grandma..So, he has made a point to spread the gifts around that she has given him.
Like any kid would they want the buy. It is a shame on the parents for thinking buying the love is the way to go through life. This is where the entitlement issues have stemmed from. Kids no longer have to work to get what they want. We have parents that feel so guilty they are throwing stuff at their kids to make up happy.
It is a tough habit to break...What age do they notice though...Every kid is gonna be different. Some kids dont ever get sucked into it. Some kids see a weakness and use heart strings to manipulate mama and dada..or even gpoppers.
not sure. but they will notice a parent who misses special days, who misses the bad days when they need a parent, who is there only once in a while, so they will take what they can get. but they know who is there for them day after day and who is just a visitor in their lives.
it is different for every child - depending upon maturity and upbringing.
If you have a child of divorce, they can USUALLY (not always) work it to where the parent who left - "buys" their affection....sometimes, kids take advantage - other times - they see it for what it is and just roll their eyes..
Best thing we can do? Teach them the difference between love and being bought items to show love - it's hard...especially since so many of us want to give our kids everything we didn't have growing up....make sure they earn their way...
Kids will take love no matter how they can get it. What is very damaging is when they know they can manipulate to get "love" from a parent. I think it isn't until later in life that they look back and see "love" for what it truly is and then they will thank the parent that truly cared and showed real love. I was one of those kids...my mom showed the real love...but I didn't appreciate it a the time. It wasn't flashy or exciting. But now I know the difference and am mature enough to appreciate the simpleness of real love.
Best of wishes with whatever in your life triggered this question.
I realized very young that my father was trying to show that he loved me with gifts. My father has no other real way of connecting with my siblings and I. He also wasn't around very much when I was younger, and would try to give us gifts and money and things. I was around the age of 12 when I figured this all out.
Depends on the maturity of the child I think.
I would say by age 10 they know, then they learn to manipulate that person so they can get the goods. Kids learn "entitlement" when this happens, and it teaches them "materialism", it's not healthy.
Do you have a situation in mind? It really depends on the specific situation and the adults involved. This could be a matter of perspective rather than fact. Details please!
I believe that a child knows from the moment they are conceived just how much they are loved and wanted.
