I am fighting with my husband right now, mostly because his job prevents him from being home almost all the time, and when he does get a day off, he doesn't get anything done. I work full time, and on MY days off I run non-stop to get all the much needed stuff done around the house and I am also a taxi service for our daughter.
This same daughter has picked up the worst lying habit in the world...she lies to me about everything... I have tried punishing her, talking to her rationally, taking things away from her, grounding her, everything I can think of besides physically beating her (which is hard to control at times, lol)
On top of all of this, my mother-in-law, who lives with us, doesn't except the fact that her son is almost 40 years old and can do things for himself, and the same with our 14 yr old. She sets her alarm to get up and make him coffee in the morning and pack his lunch...even if that means she has to get up at 3am... she lets my daughter do whatever she wants... eat what she wants, call whoever on the phone, go outside without doing her homework/chores, and most of all, assists her with her lying when it comes to me.
I have had enough, I do not know what else I can possibly do to make my life feel sane.... my rope is too short for all of this at once. I love my husband, and my daughter, and I even love my mother in law... but it seems like they just don't care what all of this is doing to me, I literally feel like I have to stay in my bedroom in my own house, and I feel the edge of sanity is getting nearer every day....
Can anyone give me some kind of advice as to how to make myself feel somewhat normal again, and possibly take back control over my own home?
I probably should have explained that my husband is a motor coach driver, so while he works alot, he is usually sitting around waiting to take people places. out of a 12 hour day, he works approx. 4-6 hours. And when he is gone for 3 days at a time, he drives for 7 hours, sits in a hotel for 2 days, and then drives home. So I do not feel he "needs" a day off when he is home, he should keep up his end of the marriage, like mowing the grass, and helping with the laundry, etc. That is what I do on my days off, why shouldn't he? and my 40 hour a week job is much more stressful and physical then his. If I can handle it, so can he.
I also understand the whole principle of, letting my MIL do things cause it is one less thig for me to do... however, I feel at 39 and 14, these two are very capable of doing the stuff themselves, so it isn't saving me work, it is just teaching them they can do nothing, and relax, while others do the work for them.
I appreciate the help from all of you....I just feel like the end of my marriage is near if I cannot get through to them, I have tried sitting and talking with them, and have been to counseling for these problems. My MIL cannot drive, nor can she work, she lives with us because of financial and health difficiencies.
There is a movie you should watch. It is called "Bread and Tulips". You will enjoy her solution to a similar problem and you might see things from a new perspective.
Good luck!
N
First you need to take a deep breath. You are not alone.
Now.. you need to sit your MIL and your husband down and tell them what you need. Tell them that things NEED to change.
Give your husband a list of things you do and ask him to choose 3 things that he will do on a regular basis. Ask your MIL if she can do some of the housework or if she drives, have her do some of the carting around...
As for the lying - you need to present a united front - all three grownups in the home. Tell your MIL that she is not helping... show her the monster she is helping to create. Explain to her - to both of them - that by helping the daughter lie, they are undermining you and letting your daughter know that they have no respect for you. It's a tough thing to say and a tougher thing to hear. But, make sure they hear you.
As for your daughter -- Start now. Take everything away from her - including the bedframe and the bedroom door. Leave her a mattress, a blanket and a pillow. No cell phone. No iPod. No computer. No nothing. Make her earn the rest of it back.
Set up a list of rules and consequences.
Make her follow them.
She can earn her door back by completing her homework every night without being told. She needs to leave it on the table for you to check when you come home. If it's not there - it's one more day with no door.
As for your MIL - if she wants to get up and make your husband's lunch - let her. What does it matter? Let her make your daughter's lunch, too... heck it's one more thing you don't have to do. You are sweating the small stuff here... let her do it.
YMMV
LBC
Sorry but the response from adansmama is terrible , did you not read that L. also works full time and yet she still has to run the house? It's not unfair of her to ask that her husband help out aswell , and the daughter for that matter! , I take it you have no choice but to have the MIL live with you? If so then I suggest you tell her what you would appreciate from her in the way of help around the house , there is no reason why you are all at work that she cleans , does laundry , get's the grocery's and cooks dinner , unless she also works full time?? , they are all putting on you , expecting you to do the stuff , probably because you always do , and I cannot believe she will get up in the middle of the night to make coffee and lunch for her son who is a grown man and has a family of his own!!! , if all this fails then book yourself into a hotel for a week and go to work from there , have no contact with them and let them fend for themselves , they may be a bit more willing to help you then!
Your daughter, mother, and husband sound very normal to me. And yes, it took me to the edge of reason at times too. In hindsight, sort of...I still have a 9 year old, mother, and husband making me crazy...now add one daughter that bounced back home with a pregnancy and now baby in tow.... CHILL. Do your best to let them deal with their issues and problems alone. I'm not saying to tolerate the 14 year old's lying. But don't drive her around and don't argue with her. I say it's about time for you to take on some classes or hobbies for you and let the the house and family fend for themselves a bit. You are definitely NOT the only adult in the house or the only person old enough to cook, clean, or do laundry for themselves. Start being a little more like them. Care for yourself and give to the rest only when you feel like it.
well i don't have any degree or anything, but i can offer maybe a bit of advice. as far as your husband goes, from the sounds of it, he works very hard. you said yourself, "he works almost all the time, and when he does get a day off, he doesn't get anything done." why should he? i say relax and ease up on him a bit. the man deserves a day off.
as far as mil goes, can she maybe put some of her effort into helping YOU instead of helping him? (or do both?) does she drive? if she does could she assist with some of the errand running or taxiing? just a thought. you don't say how old your daughter is, but it sounds to me like maybe a three-way heart-to-heart is needed with you, her, and your mil. be loving but open. "guys there has been some conflict and i want to end it. beloved mil, (lol!) i need your help and support in raising this girl if you are going to live here and be part of our family. we need to have the same rules." something along that line.
it sounds like to me (imho) that you are feeling out of control in your own household and that would drive anyone crazy. this is YOUR house. i think you should try to take back control. not "be controlling" or anything, do it lovingly, but put your foot down, establish rules and boundaries.
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My husband works retail and was in management up till about 2-3 weeks ago. He was working close to 58-60 hours a week and had two days off during the week. It took a long time for me to understand and accept the fact of him not being at home wasn't his fault. He has to work in order to support our family. You need to somehow not blame your husband and feel bitter at the fact that he is never home. Why is he not at home? Because he is working providing for the family. It would be different if he were out with the guys or always doing extracurricular things instead of being at home but he is working which I am quite sure if he had a choice about it-he wouldn't be.
Now my husband does straighten up the house on his days off and I will admit I am very particular about the way I keep my house and sometimes I feel as if he doesn't do enough just by straightening up. It is usually the downstairs part only and I have never seen my husband get on his hands and knees to clean a toilet since we have been married so our idea of "clean" is totally different. We argue about the daily chores as well. He is now only working 40 hours a week and was transferred closer to home but I feel as though he only does the necessity's on his two days off -meanwhile on my days off which are on the weekends and he is not home to help contribute I feel overwhelmed. He takes the kids to school in the mornings because I have to be at work by 7:00 a.m. He NEVER does any laundry and with twin girls sometimes that can get very overwhelming. Last year he only mowed the grass maybe twice the rest of the times were myself...so far this year he has only done it once. I clean and unload the dishwasher several times in one day it seems, cook dinner clean up dinner even though he has been off all day? It doesn't seem fair to me at all but after your posting it makes me feel a little better that I am not the only one! I feel as if I didn't do these things then my house would fall apart. I run myself to death while my husband sits on the computer or watches t.v. or talks on the phone with his buddies. Then he wonders why I treat him or talk to him the way that I do? I did not get pregnant on my own and I am not the only one that lives there. I am tired all the time. I feel your pain and I understand completely and I would like to have the answer to these things too. Just know you are not the only one out there who goes through this. It may not be in the same forms but gosh they sure do sound similiar.
In regards to your daughter and mother-in-law the only thing I know to do is have a sit down meeting with them both. I think you should most likely do it seperately and explain to your mother-in-law that when she protects her grandaughter it shows nothing but complete disresepct to you as a mother and as a wife and I would make sure my husband is there during the sit down conversation so that nothing gets twisted in case her feelings get hurt. If she is living in your home then she needs to act like it-yes you want her to feel welcome but her actions are making you feel unwelcomed within your own household and make sure she understands that. Make sure you specifically tell each one of them what you expect to change and be able to make some compromises as well. I understand your feelings about her wanting to cater to her son but pick your battles...if she wants to get up at 3 a.m. to fix him his lunch and coffee-let her. If she feels the need to do so then by all means go for it honey. My butt would not be getting up at that time-my husband could do it himself. If all else fails perhaps you all could try some family counseling if you cannot compromise on your own. Sometimes another mediator from the outside can make a world of a difference. Good luck my dear and hang in there. Sometimes I feel as though being a wife and mother just isn't what I want to do but at the end of the day I know the truth...its very hard work.
Tell you what ...disappear for about a week and just see how much is accomplished when you come back but if you are like me its not worth it to come home to such chaos and put even more work and stress on myself. It ain't fair but I don't have a resolution to that issue either and if anyone does I sure would like to know!
first of all you sound stressed. second both of you sound like you work hard. if he doesn't want to do that with his free nothing you say is going to make him change his mind
1. first i would sit down and write 6 things that you admire about your husband. give it to him. then your daughter and your MIL. kind words never go out of style.
2. could you hire a handy man occasionally? the things around the house would be getting done.
3. your daughter needs to treat both of her parents with respect and she also deserves respect
4. have a family meeting. have a happy tone set not like world war 3. maybe order a pizza.
5. ask your husband the next time he has off maybe the two of you could stay at a local hotel. your MIL can watch your daughter for one night
6. have your daughter help out with 2-3 jobs each week. when she does it correctly praise her. when she doesnt do it as good let her know what you except of her.
7. Once in awhile have a family game night.
8. have your MIL in charge of something she can handle ..making dinner keeping the house tidy. Then she feels she is participating.
9. Keep in mind Love is always better then turmoil.
10. tell your daughter it makes you sad and disapointed that she is lying. Don't go on about it. This shows a person true character. Is this the person she wants to become? If she tells you the true no matter how horrible praise her..maybe take her out shopping or get her a magazine she likes. Reward her for doing the correct thing.
Let us know how it turned out. Denise
Since the problems involve so many family/household members, family counseling might be a good idea. There might be enough underlying problems that nobody wants to talk about, and individual counseling might help you as well. I cannot relate fully to your situation, but it almost sounds like any one of those concerns you could tackle on its own, but all together this is too much. :(
I also get frustrated with my husband not doing things around the house (I work full-time weekdays, he works part-time evenings and watches kids while he is in school), but for that I try to remind myself that he really doesn't care if the shelves are dusted, etc. It really is easier for women to "do everything," and it can become too easy for family members to expect that.
Another option might be planning a date with your husband but let him know you both have a lot to talk about regarding home and family life. It can be tough with a parent living in your home, but since it is his mother you are dealing with, he needs to be on the same page with expectations. She might feel like making him lunch is just a way to show that she can be helpful and appreciative.
I don't think that was very useful, but you could see if your community has any family couneling services (counseling does not have to be bad--I've had friends who struggled with relationships with a "crazy" parent who really appreciated counseling). Some are faith-based but professional counselors, so family priorities are there. Others might have sliding fee scales as well. You probably also need a night out of the house planned in advance. Depending on your daughter's age, she might just have different needs as well that are not necessarily going to go away for a while. I hope things start going better soon... :(
Wow, I can see how you have come to the end of your rope!!;) That would about do it for me! Well as far as the hubby goes, how about talking about if there is one or two things he could handle. I mean like watching out for the trash when he is home and just taking it out if it is full. I have a hubby that is a really hard worker too and so sometimes the garbage still overflows, but he really tries:) He usually puts it on the curb on garbage day and it really helps that it is off my plate. So maybe just one or two things he is in charge of and just let him alone to take care of it. As far as your MIL getting up to do things for him, was she a mom at home when your hubby was growing up? This may just be normal for her. I get up everyday and make my hub breakfast (it's just cereal;) and I make him lunch and we just chat before the day gets going. So she may just be used to doing this and not thinking of it as something she has to do, she may just like feeling useful. She may not think of it like she is doing something he is not capable of doing but rather helping because he and you both work really hard and she wants to relieve some of the burden. That is why I do it:) Now with your daughter, that would majorly annoy me too, I mean you MIL is not your child's mother, she doesn't have the authority to make some of these decisions. How about trying to make her an ally. Maybe talk to her about your concerns for your daughter. About how her grades are so important because you really want to see her get into a good college but you worry her lack of focus will affect her future etc... Maybe if grandma can understand that you need her help for the sake of your daughter's future she can get out of benevolent grandma role and move into a more caregiver role. Not mom, but mom's assistant:) Since she lives with you she can't be as much grandma as she wants, that is hard, so I would give her some leeway when she slips up;)
Well hang in there and try to get some rest!! On your next day that you and your hubby have off, try to schedule a pedicure and leave him home to hold down the fort. Even if the fort is a little cluttered or crazy when you get home, you will feel better and have cute toes;)
Time for a FAMILY MEETING!
Lay some ground rules for everyone!
Hubby does need to get stuff (List items) done on his day off.
As for the MIL--who cares if she gets up to make is coffee & pack his lunch? She's trying to help. Let that go. He knows how to make coffee and a sandwich, I'm sure.
Sounds like you have good reason to be frustrated. I can understand why you feel overwhelmed and angry. In reality you feel abandoned.
BUT, you also sound like you love your family so I suggest fighting for them. Find a family counselor within your budget and go. Make it a priority. First visit maybe just you and your husband, but I think you could really benefit from all four of you together. It may just take 2 or 3 sessions, so don't think once you make that appt. that you are hooked in for a year. You get to decide, not the counselor. Give it a try!
