At a Loss as to What to Do 11 Yr Old

As a former middle school and high school teacher, I can tell you the best punishment for hormonal boys is embarrassment. We all know hormonal teens/preteens do NOT want to be embarrassed in front of their peers and will do whatever it takes not to be called out in front of their friends. I would tell him next time that you get a call from the principal's office, you are going come up to the school right then and paddle his butt in front of his girlfriend and friends. Then be ready to back it up. :) That should take care of things.

Is his dad involved in his life? If not, what about an uncle, older cousin? This young man needs attention and example of an honorable man in his life. He needs to be encouraged to do positive things, to be feel a sense of accomplishment when he does something that's difficult and he's completed it. Seems that now he gets attention for doing the wrong stuff. We all need to be stroked and get love. He's getting it from this girl. He needs positivie reinforcement from others who love him. Tell him you need his help, have him work by your side doing things that need to be done (painting, cleaning out the garage, helping an elderly neighbor, working at a food bank or homeless shelter). When he feels a sense of value for doing something good, (that he probably didn't want to do at the outset) he will begin to feel better about himself. He'll be surprised at how postivie the experience is - even though he may moan and complain the whole time. Self-worth is a good thing but only when it's genuine based on working at something. He's 11 and there's still plenty of time to get his brain working properly.

Examine your son, serach out the things he's really good at - maybe he's not a great student, but he's excellent at putting things together (like legos) peak his interest in building, engineering, etc. (as you drive over a bridge ask him about how he thinks someone designed the bridge and how it got built? suggest he look it up online, etc.) If you attend a church see if there's a mentoring program. My almost 13 year old son can be defiant (they're right on schedule for trying to push back on the boundaries) and he's not a great student (although I know he's very bright) so I encourage him on other things that he's really good at. He's connected to our youth group and has developed friends whose families I know, he's plugged in to a mentoring group that takes a group of guys (all ages) to work on repairs of Christian summer camps each Spring and the older guys teach the younger guys. If the boys have dads the dads are invited (my husband is a policy sergeant so my son never sees his dad at work - so these weekends are wonderful). The kids help at a food pantry, they rake leaves for elderly families in our church, etc. Now that my son feels some sense of accomplishment and sees & truly understand he has value, he's a much better kid. He still gets in to trouble - but it's all small stuff (not doing homework) and he knows where the boundaries are.

There's such a disconnect between boys and their dads these days. Most boys are not great school learners. They do much better by actually doing things, moving around, copying the instructor. They're great apprentices - and that was the way things were for thousands of years until the last 100. now dads go off to work and boys are in classrooms where they are ready to pull their hair out. So they need active, positive role models.

This parenting stuff is not easy!!! Pray mama - ask for direction for your son and make sure he knows he's loved. 11 gives you plently of time to help mold the man he's going to be one day.

I read a fascinating article about a similar situation like this. The parents took a drastic approach, but it worked! First they took their child out of school. Then they went away for a long vacation in the middle of nowhere just their family. They prayed and spent a lot of time talking and doing things together as a family and their child enjoyed and benefited from the individual attention and spending time away from friends. When they returned the mother quit her job (they had to make sacrifices, such as moving into a smaller home, and live very tight, but they decided it was worth it) and they decided to homeschool him and the child got in with a new crowd of good, wholesome homeschooled kids and blossomed! The bad behavior stopped and their child thrived academically and morally! I also agree with the previous poster on stopping all TV viewing except for wholesome family movie nights that do not model children acting as teens. And take away the FB account, the phone, and any other media sources that encourages him to act older then he is. Get him outside with a baseball glove and a fishing rod and let him explore nature.

Besides taking away the electronics (and keeping them away), find ways to run him ragged.
Sign him up for taekwondo or anything that will challenge him physically.
You want a new rose garden bed? Have him dig it out, 2 feet deep.
Wash the cars (inside and out), clean out the basement/garage/attic.
Mow the lawn, rake leaves, spread mulch, stack the wood.
Heck, give him an axe and with some supervision he can split the wood.
They get into a lot less trouble when they are too exhausted for it.
And sometimes while they are doing all that, they take some time to think things through and do a little growing up.

I would agree with talking with the school counselor, or your pediatrician about having him evaluated by a child behaviorist or psychiatrist. I am not a fan of labeling kids, and it seems like every child as a "disorder" these days, but some things are real, and need a plan in place. Part of the issue may be that too much freedom was allowed in the first place - the Facebook account, things allowed to watch on TV, etc. - and now you need to dial it back. You need to also get to the root cause of WHY he thinks he needs to lie - because he feels he can't tell you the truth because you will be angry with him? Because he is trying to avoid punishment? He needs to understand that lying will only get him in bigger trouble then if he just was honest in the first place, and it will eventually cause people, including you, not to trust him - so he will find himself losing privileges and friendships as a result. You might need to focus more on the rewards of doing the right thing, and why we want to not curse, or not lie, rather than just punishing him when he does.

Where is his dad in all of this? Does he have a good strong male role model in his life that he can have a relationship with?

Get rid of your TV until he can come around. I say this because I have to believe that he has "learned" to have a girlfriend through the many shows that model this to extremely young children. Most likely he has grown up on shows as seemingly innocent as Suite Life or I Carly. The thing is that when young children watch these programs they see being in a "relationship" as the norm. I found this to be true with my two boys-esp the youngest. In Kindergarten he had "girlfriends" and all of the drama that comes with it-for teenagers!! but he was only 6.
Oh-and take away his phone along with FB too. I hate to say it but you have given him all of the perks of being a teen at an extremely young age. It should be no surprise that he acts like one.

I agree with B, keep him busy busy busy. I totally disagree with MamaDuck, humiliating a child in front of their peers is never ever a good thing. Thank goodness the summer break is coming up and you can distance him from his crush. Make sure he has lots of chores, and extracurricular activities (music lessons, sports, etc) to take up his spare time. As for the lying, make sure he understands that although he will be punished for bad behavior, the punishment will be twice as hard if you find out he has lied. Stick to it. I always told my kids that lying was so much worse than whatever it was they did and trust is such an important thing! It sounds like he is going through a rough stage and you are staying strong! Hang in there!

He's in fourth or fifth grade, right? I used to have yard duty at school for that age group and the behavior you are describing is fairly typical for some boys. The aggression and "dating" is somewhat tied to a surge of testosterone in my opinion. I noticed the more physically mature the boys were the more likely they were to act this way.
It's important that he has healthy outlets for his frustrations, and that he has a chance to do well at something. Is he a good student? Does he play any sports or belong to any groups, like Boy Scouts, or a church youth group? He needs to stay busy, and he needs to stay physically active, it REALLY makes a difference.
And I think it wouldn't hurt to make an appointment with the school counselor. They are very good at observing kids on the playground and working with parents and teachers to help keep kids from getting in trouble all the time.
You are right, punishment is not working, he needs to learn how to behave and he's not learning anything, other than to lie so he doesn't get caught. The counselor will have some ideas and strategies based on what s/he observes with your child.

First off where's the father? Second your right he's too young to actually date but I remember being interested in the other gender at that age? Besides your son seems to have many extras does he do things to earn the right to keep using them cause electricity ain't cheap. Heck thats more than I give my 15 yr old. Lay down set rules and enforce them. He swears put out a swear jar. Be lucky if he was in my kids school he woud have been kicked out for a full school year for fighting. See if the police will talk to him on what charges fighting can bring. Heck even a scared straight program

honestly i would be proud of my child for standing up for someone else. as for him dating chill out hes 11 chances are they arent going to run off and have a baby let him be "in love" its fun.

How much time do you actually spend talking with each other? How much time do you spend doing things together? How much time do you spend listening to him talk to you? How much motivation and positive reinforcement do you give him as opposed to "taking things away" and "spanking" and "grounding" and other punishments? What sort of positive male role models does he have in his life? Does he get a chance to earn back his privileges after losing them? Are your consequences consistent? For instance, if he's caught in a lie, does he know ahead of time what the consequence for lying will be? Does he know what the consequence for getting in a fight or cussing will be? Or are you punishing him arbitrarily ie. you punished him simply because he called his "girlfriend" sexy and you decided it was disrespectful since you dislike the fact that he has a girl that he calls a girlfriend?

He's running things right now and he needs consistent boundaries and communication. I would suggest family counseling and individual counseling.

Does the school have a social worker or counselor you can talk to? That's where I would start.

Good luck.

My only input is that when they lose so much they shut down. They mentally just say goodbye to stuff and then it doesn't matter what you take away. They mentally have just shut down.

He needs to keep busy, he needs to be rewarded for each and every good choice he makes and the not so great ones not focused on so much. He needs to feel positive and excited about something.

If it were me, the girlfriend would be at my house every minute of the day. In the family area. She would be under supervision the whole time and if she was out of line then I would gently try to teach her that her action is not acceptable. You might be the only person to try and teach her anything.

She could be used as a huge reward. She can come over when XX is done correctly, or when OO is done, she could be your greatest leverage.

This could also help you to see how he acts with her. If she is the bad influence you are expecting her to be. She could become your favorite friend too. If she starts spending time at your home you could find she is a charming and intelligent young lady. Or the opposite. Then she will start to look yucky to him in his environment.

Either way, her at my house would make her more accessible and not a "thing" that was taken away and therefore more desirable and missed.

I agree with some counseling - they may be able to teach you all a new way of communicating with eachother since you know the way you are currently trying to do so, doesn't work for either of you.
I am curious if you have ever asked your son what he thinks he wants to or will accomplish with his behavior. for example, "Bill, you said you don't want to stop lying. What do you think the lying is going to get you that telling the truth won't?" "what do you like about having a girlfriend? Why do you think having a girlfriend is important to you right now?" LIsten, don't interject. If he says - "I don't know?" Ask him to think about it and you'll sit down tomorrow and discuss again. Maybe even lay down some ground rules that whatever he says is FINE and you will not make or say anything in response to him for 24-hours, etc.
Just some thoughts to help get started. Who knows, you may have tried all of this, but sounds like there needs to be a re-established communication process between you all. :)
Good luck. I have two boys and am dreading the "i dunno" stage.