At a Loss.....

I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through but I can say that I know where you are coming from. I am 23 now and have been with my husband since I was 17. When I had my first son in 2002 I was only 19. We argued ALL the time and over what seemed to be the smallest of things. My family kept telling me that I would be better off but like you I had a gut feeling that things would get better. I started writing down things that we would argue over and it seemed to be the same stuff over and over. I learned to pick my battles, the issues that were really important to me, that seemed to help a little. Then, finally I told him that things had to change and if he wanted to also, I wanted to change them together. I broke out my list and we talked about what each other were feeling about these issues. We both had to make some comprimises but it was a 2 way street and we worked through it together. We still argue, who doesn't, but we know how to handle it now and that is together. All I really need to say is TALK, TALK, TALK. You have to know exactly how each other feels to get over any bump in the road because if you bottle things up, it is just going to explode eventually into a big mess that can't be cleaned up.

I have been married over seven years and dated him two years first. We have had some stressful months, but the idea of giving up never entered our heads. We are married. Period. We are bonded too closely to dissolve our vows.
That being said, I want to let you know that sometimes relationships take work. Hard work. If you are sick of arguing, then quit arguing. Bite your tongue. Let it pass. Ask yourself if it is really worth fighting over. Ask yourself if you it will matter tomorrow or next week. If the answer is no, then let it go.
You are not married to this man, so if he wants out, you can't force him to stay. However, you could take a step back, ease off and see if that brings him back to you wanting to be closer.
Also, I'm sure you are considering your little girl's best interests as well. Set a good example and move on if that's really best.
I wish you the best,
J.

Hello L.. The best advice I can give you is to make time to talk things through without your daughter around. The both of you have to decide what you want from your relationship. If your both truely "in love" you will find a way to make your relationship work. A relationship of any sort has some give and take. Patience, honesty, trust, and communication are a big part of a loving relationship. I definately can not stress enough about communication. If you lose that it gets really bad really quick. One more thing, I've learned not to stress on the small things, life is too short. I hope this might help some. Good luck with your love. I hope you find your happiness.

( I dated my husband for 5 years and have been married to him for 17. We are each others friend, lover, my son's father, my joy, and hope. I can't imagine my world without him.)

First off, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it. An important thing in relationships is to learn how to pick your battles. Learn when to compromise. Are the things you're fighting over really significant things, or are they just nit-picky things? If the issues are things that are petty, learn to let them go. That's advice for both of you, not just you. If you've tried these things, the only other thing I can suggest, if you really want to make things work, is try couples counseling. Maybe there's a bigger matter, that's been buried, and is manifesting itself as these little problems. I hope this helps.

Have you tried to go to couples counseling? I give you a lot of credit for trying to make it work. My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years now and we have a 17 month old son. We argue a lot too. Sometimes I think we both want to say that it's over, but we try to take it one day at a time and not to sweat the small stuff.

Hi L., i think if the arguing just won't quit, you should take a break. Nothing is set in stone, so breaking up won't necessarily mean that you wont get back together. People need breaks from ea. other no matter what type of relationship. You may be surprised how happy you will be alone, and doing your own thing, and if it's meant to be, getting back together will be wonderful, and you'll learn things about ea. other and get along better

Sit down and evaluate what you have argued over in the past week...write it down if necessary. Is it over the same topics over and over? If it is, try sitting down at a calm time to discuss things, before an arguement starts. Also, during this time, don't accuse in the conversation (don't use statements like "you always....." or "I want you to......."). Try using the "I feel" statments...(if you would have started the sentence with "you always", try using "when you do _______, I feel like ________." It will keep him from getting defensive right away and he may take your feelings more into consideration. My fiancee and I have what we call "brutal truth" conversations. We start the conversation with saying "brutal truth" and then say whatever it is we have to say, but neither responds to it right away - we walk into separate rooms, do something (watch tv, wash dishes, etc) until we have absorbed what the other person said, then sit down about an hour later and calmly discuss it.

I am sort of in the same boat, but with my husband of 1 year, 3 1/2 mths... anyway, I will give u my frank advise, if you want this to work, stick it out, too often people give up too soon and lose a really good person. Choose your battles. The first year of a relationship you are just figuring each other out, and then right when you think you know the person, they do something crazy or "out of character" from what you would normally expect. My husband analizes everything too much, but instead of getting mad at him, I realize, I don't have to agree with everything he says in order to love him. But lately he has been driving me crazy, so I have just been trying to get out and do a few things by myself and it did make me feel better, and more confident to come back and talk to him more rationally. Then maybe you could get a sitter and go do something together, or put your daughter to bed and cook a romantic dinner(kind of like a truce), that always works for my husband, I hope this helps, Hang in there!, every relationship has it's moments.Good Luck!

Hi L.,
If you can get your hands on a copy of this book; Fascinating Womanhood, it might really make a difference in your relationship.

First, you need to put the matters at hand.. What do you seem to be fighting about most???? How serious are the issues that you are fighting about??? And, remember that just because it's not important to you, doesn't mean it's not to him (or other way around)!!!
Then you need to know just why you want to be in the relationship??? What makes you care so much??? Is it worth working through, or not??? Is the long term issue going to effect your daughter in a good or bad way???
Then make your decision from there..... And, it may even change down the road!!!!!

Hello,
This is the best relationship site I've seen on the web.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
I know you stated that you were not married to him but you're commited so I don't see why this site dosn't apply to you. Give it a shot...and good luck.

you didnt say if the two of you live together or if the fights and arguements have anything to do with your daughter but i can say form experience that if your arguing everyday now i promise you when your married it will get worse and your daughter wil be affected not to say everyone argues every now and then but it shouldnt be every day i firmly believe that to make a marriage work it takes a lot more than loving someone it takes liking someone also if if you dont have both its time to move on a marriage is a friendship as well as loving someone passionately the passion only lasts so long friendship lasts forever.

You know sometimes the hardest things for us to do, may end up being the best thing for us. Although you disagree with what he wants, you two really need to sit down and have a deep conversation and talk about it. If it results to ending the relationship, it may be just a temporary thing. You guys just may need some time apart. Do your own thing, and just let it happen. Hope this works.

Here's some advice that I received many years ago (before I got married) I'll pass it on to you: stop arguing over everything it's not worth it. Make a list of things that have made you mad throughout the day that he has done and look at it at the end of the week. If the things on the list are still bothering you then talk (and I mean talk) about them. Usually you end up throwing the list out because after a few days the things on the list just aren't important anymore.