Asking Advice About My Mom's "Health" and Behavior!!

Updated on February 16, 2011
M.M. asks from Bladensburg, OH
4 answers

My mom was diagnosed w/ heart failure (CHF) about 4 or 5 years ago. She is only 51 now and she is overweight, has arthiritis, 'fibromyalgia', diabetes... etc. If you met her you wouldn't know anything was wrong w/ her. She works full-time (her schedule is actually week on week off) and she usually babysits my niece on her weeks off... which also keeps her busy. She's been hospitalized a few times for her sugar levels or the initial heart issue... but otherwise she's fine on her meds. Her diet is horrible. She is not allowed to have much sodium or sugar... and she eats junk food and still drinks pop! My whole point to this... she doesn't seem to care about herself and I swear she wants to be treated like she is dying. But if she wants to go out and do something she's fine. My dad is a complete enabler. He waits on her almost hand and foot and he works full time as well and drives 1 hr. to and from work. He always tells her to get her rest... and she takes soooo much advantage of it. When she gets off of work she has to nap everyday and expects everyone to know that and don't expect her to do anything. On her weeks off she is always 'resting' for the next week. It absolutely drives me crazy! She won't get on a regular sleep schedule. She had a sleep study done and needs a CPAP but won't get it. I have lectured her about her sleep schedule... if she would just sleep her 8 hrs. or whatever of straight sleep she wouldn't need a nap during the day... even after working. She is completely lazy when it comes to babysitting and they completely baby my niece, who is 3. My sister is trying very hard to break her of her whining and getting everything her way cuz she is used to it at grandma's house. My mom doesn't get it. My mom throws a fit if Bryanna isn’t there all week and always wants her to spend the night… which my sister is trying to avoid (as she should). My point to that is that my mom is soo "sick" but yet she always wants Bryanna there. When she finally had a week off I told her to enjoy it and rest and she was mad. Last week my sister was going to be induced and my mom kept trying to go out of her way to just get Bryanna and not even go to the hospital! She always has excuses for stuff like that cuz she is too "tired" or she can't do a lot of walking or whatever the excuse is. She is only sick when it's convenient to her. When I took her to the hospital to see my sister I had my son and Bryanna there all day and they were both going home w/ me that night. My mom told my sis and my dad (my sis just had a baby that day and my parents BOTH had to work the next morning) that Bryanna needed to go home w/ her cuz I was being mean to her. I just don’t coddle her everytime she cries like my mom does and that meant I was being mean. I was furious about it the next day when I found out cuz she never bothered to tell me to my face but told everyone else. The whole hour drive home from the hospital she didn’t say a word and was secretly texting my dad like a freakin’ 12 yr. old! When I confronted her she just asked me why I wanted to start a fight and then said that I coddle my son and I treat him and Bryanna differently. So I told her not to get me started on those 2 being treated differently…

This is kind of two-fold... With all the whining that my mom did about not having Bryanna... she never wants to see my son. We live 1 min. away from her and my sis lives 20 mins away. They pass my house everyday and never stop… When I ask her to babysit (rarely) she always says "We'll see" or if “I'm not too tired”. He is almost 8 and doesn't require much of anything as far as entertainment or help. Bryanna is 3 and is still a handful... I don't get it?! I don't even know where to start w/ her. I want to sit my dad down and tell him he is enabling her and killing her but he’ll just argue w/ me. They’ll say I don’t understand what it’s like to have CHF or arthritis… or whatever. And it wouldn’t bother me if my mom was actually sick… not just when it’s convenient. I guess I haven’t accepted the fact that she is cuz she isn’t when she doesn’t want to be. But am I supposed to treat her like she’s dying? I just don’t know where to start w/ either issue! I could go on and on about how they treat my son vs. Bryanna and now that Bryanna has a little brother it’ll be interesting to see how that goes. My sis is home on maternity leave and that means Bryanna is at home where she should be and my mom has been pissy all week. Not to mention I think she is avoiding me now!

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I think that you and your sister need to join forces, decide how you want to treat your mom (respectfully but not enabling) and lay down boundaries that are healthier for yourselves and your children. Honestly, if it's detrimental for your niece to be there - your mom is "sick" and encouraging lazy behaviors in the child - then your sister needs to stand up and find other care. Bryanna is not your mom's child and she needs to back off and be a grandma instead. The more she complains, the more evidence, IMO, that her relationship with the child is more about HER than the kid.

Your dad may argue with you both, and he may have as many codependant issues as she does, but let him argue. Say your piece, and stick with it.

My cousin has fibromyalgia herself and I know she has good days and bad days, but she doesn't act like someone needs to treat her like she's glass. She tells us if the outing is too much and we rest or whatever. She can do a lot on a good day. On a bad day it's enough to just take care of their child.

I think more than anything your mom is controlling and lazy and all these diagnoses give her the excuses she needs. I bet if you look back you'll see that she's always been a touch this or that. You just see it more now.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I have an ex who I was with for over 20 years, he is now 57, obese, suffers from bipolar/depression, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrom, high blood pressure... His medicine chest looks like a pharmacy. (I will be 50 next month, weigh 125 lbs, exercise 5-6 times per week, and am on no medication).

Here's my advice - remove yourself emotionally from this situation. You can't make a person change their health habits or their emotional dependencies. You can, however, use way too much of YOUR energy, both emotional and physical, in the attempt to get them to change their habits. Only when your mother decides to make a change will she have a chance to successfully make the change.

It was only when I completely realized that none of his choices had anything to do with me, and that nothing I could do would change his ways, that I was able to remove myself emotionally. Since then I've been able to focus on our daughter, my work, my schooling, and make my life what I want it to be. THEN - guess what - he's been making changes...finally getting a CPAP machine, seeing a therapist, getting on the appropiate meds for his mental health issues...

2 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

Not that this applies to your mom, but have you ever heard of a narcissist?

A narcissist's weapons (among others): sympathy, pity and guilt.

Sometimes narcissist parents (and perhaps grandparents?) have what's known as a "golden child." There's usually a "scapegoat" too. It is destructive to children to be either the "golden child" or the "scapegoat" - for different reasons of course.

People married to narcissists have different ways of coping - sometimes they just learn to lay low and feed the narcissist his or her "supply."

People can be narcissists and still have legitimate health care issues.

I am not saying that any of this applies to your mother - I'm just throwing it out there for consideration. Additionally, I'm not a health care professional of any type - this is just my "mom" opinion.

I hope you and your sister can band together to do the right things for the kids.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

WOW, your Mom... sounds very mentally ill.

Personality Disorder. And her enabling Husband makes it worse.
They are both, very dysfunctional, to say the least.

She is also trying to control your daughter.
How you describe it, is very off mentally.

YOU need to have boundaries.
YOU are the Mom.
Just put your foot down when it comes to YOUR child.
What does your Husband say about it and how she is with your Daughter???

Just do NOT get into it with her/them. This is YOUR child.
So what if they get pissy.
Remember... they are Mentally....ill.

So, you have to create a normal life for yourself and your daughter.
Why have your daughter, 'learn' from them and become a part... of this vicious-cycle and demented dynamic.
She is a child.
YOU are the Mom.

1 mom found this helpful
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