Artificial Insemination and the Single Mom

S., three words: GO FOR IT. It makes me sad that there are people who are criticizing you for the choice to bring a life into the world. A life that you want and will love and care for. So what if it is not traditional? You may not meet the right person, you never know. I agree that adoption is certainly a viable alternative, but if you want a biological child and have the means and the desire, more power to you. I know far more people who are miserable with kids in a "traditional" marriage who end up divorced (and the kids suffer because of that). Rock on, S..

I would really recommend eHarmony for you if you really do want a committed relationship. And pray about it. I really don't think it's God's best for anyone to plan a 'single parenthood'.

It sounds as though you would really like to be in a loving, committed relationship in which the child would have a mother and a father. You might check into the possibility of having some eggs harvested and preserved to be used at a later time and could be fertilized by the man of your dreams when you are ready. Maybe this could be a way to slow down the biological clock.

I say don't do it!! You never know the family of the artificial, so you would not know what diseases and other things are coming your way. Plus, you are also getting to an age that could be a huge problem, for you and your body. You were blessed with one perfect child... dont push your luck. Love her and enjoy her.

Have you considered adoption?

Absolutely go for it! Just know that if it does not work, you will be out that money. It is a risk. You could consider adoption as well. I have a friend who is late 30's and just adopted her first child. She is single, never been married. She is going to be the mommy AND the daddy! Plenty of moms do it and so can you. You may consider adoption so you don't have to worry about your age, complications, the insemination taking, etc That way you don't have to explain why your daughter has a daddy and the new baby does not. Either way, it is what it is and you tell the new baby when it is old enough that you wanted him/her and did not need a man to provide love! Good for you, go for it!

Hi S..
Like Ellens coworker, my sister in law (33yrs old) did the same thing with a very good friend of hers (except because of the cost of artificial they did it the good old fashion way =X). The baby is now 9weeks old. carries her last name. and is doing just fine. Do you have any trustworthy friends you can do that with? You don't even have to call him daddy he can be "uncle" or something.

I would make an appt with a very repudible fertility clinic and go from there. Life is short, do what you want. However, if you are doing this for your child, don't. Do this for yourself.

Being an only child is not a bad situation, so I don't know why you're contemplating bringing a child into the world who will almost definitely not have a father just so your first child will have a sibling. I'm not being judgmental, nor am I meaning to be harsh, even if it comes across like it.

You say, "I don't see that I have many options at this point" -- if artificial insemination didn't exist, then you wouldn't be feeling this pressure. At least, I assume you wouldn't go have a one-night stand to get pregnant naturally, knowing that neither the father nor any other man would be in the child's life.

It may be that not too many months in the future there will be a nice man with several kids who will meet and marry you, and your daughter will have siblings like you want her to have... except that if you're pregnant he will assume you're taken so you'll never even approach you. Maybe.

Adoption is always an option -- to take a child who has no parents and to give him or her one parent.

Finally, in the "man" department -- I'd suggest the blog "What Women Never Hear" at http://wwnh.wordpress.com for suggestions on how to meet a guy with potential and make him a keeper... or find out that he's not worth your time so you can send him on his way before he takes up too much of your time.

S., I am in the exact situation and time is not on our hands no matter how "traditional" you may be. Its a sad fact that bad relationship decisions in 30-40's can cost you your fertility- men dont have to have that kind of sequelae to their bad chocies- so for us it is improtant. I say go for it, tell the child you loved them so much- you risked anything anyone would say- and tell them that their almighty Eternal Father is God, as is everyone's. Peace be with you.

S., I am all for the conventional family of living. My personal belief is that a child should have a mother and a father to love them, however, I grew up with a father that was very ugly to my mother, emotionally and physically. I've teased her in the past few years that she should have just been a single mom to start with! She did an amazing job dealing with little income and raising his 2 step children as well. Once we left, I was 16, she did an even better job. We still dealt with minimal income, but I had the love and security of an amazing mom. Having said this, if you feel you have a secure financial situation and can love those 2 children and give them a happy and secure life, then I say go for it! If your health gives you the ability to have a child with little to no danger to both of you, then by all means. I joined the military and wanted to have a baby...no dad just a baby. My mother begged me to wait until my fourth year, which worked out I guess, I met my husband a year later! We now have 3 children and if our marriage ever fails I will have no problems raising our children alone. This is the twenty-first century and even though it usually isn't planned, there are successful single mothers, and dads, out there doing an amazing job! My very best to you, my only real concern is the increased danger of having a child later in life, however, I've seen many mothers your age and older and the baby and mom are doing fine! Good luck and I wish you the very best.

Hi S.,

It really appears that you want to be in a relationship when you have this child. If that is the case, I really think you should rethink the pregnancy and wait for the right one to come along. As someone mentioned before, you can always have your eggs harvested and there's always the option of adoption. If you are set on going ahead with the pregnancy than I definitely support you. I would encourage you to know exactly what you want and go for it. Best of luck and I will be praying for you!!

S.

If i were you i would look in to adoption at your age their can be soooo many problems when having a baby. its very hard on your body and causes alot of risks to the baby. please think long and hard on this one.
ps dont worry about finding a dad i met a wonderful man after i had my first daughter and she loves him dearly and vice versa. it can happen is my point good luck with whatever you do

S.,

I knew a lady several years ago that had a 4 year old daughter when I worked with her. It was about a year before I found out her story.

She had decided that she never wanted to get married but she did want a child. She had a very good male friend who she asked to be the father of her child, but she wanted the artificial insemination. They made a legal agreement that he would never try to take the child away from her but he would be able to be in the child's life. In return, she did not ask him for support. It worked out very well for them. The man eventually got married to someone else but he remained a part of the child's life and my friend had her independence which she didn't want to give up if she had gotten married. She was also 42 when she had her child.

Something like that may work out for you, I don't know that is your decision. There are many factors to consider with this situation and a lot of doctors that do artificial insemination will not do this if you don't have a partner. It is something you need to look into and take your time about making a decision. Keep in mind that you are now on your own, one child is a handful. Two can be more than two armfuls! I have only one bioligical child but I have 3 step daughters. My stepdaughters are all married with children now and I have 6 grandchildren by them. My daughter is almost 8 and does feel the lonliness of being an only child. I do my best to make sure she doesn't get to lonely. I bring over her friends or send her to their houses. She is in dance and and I am trying to get her in tumbling. I can't have any more children so I don't have a choice.

Best of luck in your decision.

E.

Hi S., I'm 41, and if this were me I'd move forward with it in a heartbeat. I always knew in my heart that if things didn't work out with having the perfect scenario with a man, that I would want children regardless. Why should something so precious solely depend on a good man being in your life? A good man will love you and commit to you if you have a child or not. At 42, most of the eligible men have been married before and have kids themselves. I knew all through my 20's and early 30's that if I didn't have kids by the time I was 40, I would have one and be the best mom, better than alot that had a dad in the picture. Try to take feelings about everybody else out of it and just think about what you really want. It sounds like you can afford it and are ready for the commitment. Good luck with your decision!

What is wrong with being an only child? I used to think the same way you do but my little girl is 5 now and I don't worry about it anymore. The only reason I wanted another child is so she could have a sibling. I convinced myself being an only child was horrible. It really isn't. So if you are just doing this for your child I wouldn't worry. Obviously just do what you want but I really love having an only child now. We are really close.