Argument over MIL. I Know I Was Wrong - but What Can I Do Differently?

Honestly you have to not consider the water heater as a Christmas present. Me and my husband are having to do a lot of extra stuff for my mother lately because she's become recently widowed and disabled. The fact that I bought her a walker, a push cart, and many other things here recently does not eliminate her from receiving a Christmas present.
MIL's ARE curious about how their children are living, I call my mother in law every couple of weeks just to chat with her because she LOVES to hear what is going on in her sons life and how our kids are doing. I have to get in the "mood" to call her but I always feel better afterwards and she loves it and thinks I'm the greatest daughter in law ever.
She is your husbands mom. You need to stop thinking that you are competing with her or that she wants to snoop. If you make her a part of your life instead of making her feel shut out all of the time you will both get along better. Not having MIL stress is a very good thing.
My hubby gets a little tweeked every now and then because my mom has become so "needy" of late. It bothers me too that we have to spend more time with her than we used to. BUT, they are our parents and one day YOU will be a MIL as well and I'm a true believer in what goes around comes around. Don't set yourself up for a disaster.
It's a new year in just a few more weeks. Resolve to be more tolerant of your hubbys mom. You clearly hit a raw nerve with this Christmas present thing, your hub loves his mother and doesnt want to hurt her feelings.... thats a good thing. He loves his mom, and he will teach his sons to take care of THEIR mom too.

Why are you guys even worried about buying Christmas gifts for anyone other than your kids? Your hubby was laid off 3 weeks ago! No one in their right mind would expect you guys to buy gifts! That would end the decision on weather she gets a gift or not right there.

Ok, I agree with the posters who questioned why you were worrying about gift giving to extended family when your husband has been out of a job for 3 weeks. Personally, I'd only be worried about my children at this point.

That said -- you are NOT wrong here! However, some errors have been made.

The first was not to completely discuss how the purchase of the water heater might affect your budget and; therefore, your MIL's Christmas gift. And, $750 is quite alot of money; but, not out of line for a water heater. I just replaced mine with a plain-jane version and it was $1K!

Second, in no way should your MIL or DH assume that your MIL was invited to a birthday dinner that your parents were hosting for you! That's way out of line. If she or he were insulted, they need to get over that. That was from your parents to you and, perhaps, your husband. Your MIL does NOT enter that equation unless your parents included her (and, they were under no obligation to do so!).

Thirdly, if you've been upset by her forgetting your birthday, TELL HER! Do not used your husband. Simply and poiltely tell her you were upset that she didn't phone you on your birthday and that it would have meant much to you for her to do so.

Fourthly, if you have papers you'd prefer people not see, put them away. That includes MIL, sitter, friends, etc. If you prefer no one uses your laptop, put it away or lock it so it can't be used.

I'm the mother of two sons 25 and 20 and one daughter, 23. I DO know how I will feel when they're older!! I've also been married 28+ years to a woman very much like me! And, that's good and bad!!! LOL!!!

I've been hurt many times by my MIL and was hurt a few times by my husband's response to his mother. However, through open, honest, respectful communication, those times have now lessened. People don't intend to hurt us; but, they can and do -- many times without knowing. Your MIL sounds like she feels wounded and is striking back. You need to communicate with your DH and her and all get on the same page. That way you will lessen the power she has for drama.

My suggestion is to have a sit-down with the three of you and discuss these issues and have everyone present at the same time so everyone hears the same thing. Not "he/she said" scenarios.

You are definitely on the right track wanting a better relationship with her and your husband regarding his mother. Just keep trying! It does get better!

HTH!

My family and my husbands family sound a lot like yours. It seems like your husband is a Mama's boy through and through. I don't think you can do much of anything to change how he sees his mom and thats just the way it is. I would just say to be yourself and either she will eventually come around or you wil settle into some sort of tentative peace. Maybe you can be grateful that your husband is willing to take your child to her instead of your MIL liking to come to your house to snoop around so much? With all the frustration and chaos, try and be yourself. For I assume that is how your husband fell in love with you, don't try and change to suit other peoples needs. It's their choice to choose to be happy or not. Don't let it get you down. Good luck!

OH the MIL drama. I know it well. You had to expect that he was kidding when he said "there goes her gift". You should have put her on the list anyways. :( Thats how this could have been avoided. I know it sucks but thats what you could have done. The snooping MIL... Geezzz do I know that.

I think you should have a talk with your MIL. Dont put your DH in the middle. Tell your MIL that it hurts your feelings that she forgets your birthday or let go of your hopes she willl remember. Who knows maybe she does rememeber but just doesnt call you (which totally sucks) but they do do that. It might help to write her a letter if you cant find the right words. Or you are just going to have to let it go honey. Its not worth strife in your marriage.

Say she is doing it on purpose.... dont let her ruin your marriage. Sometimes you just need to shake your head and shrug your shoulders and say "Lady you've got problems" and move on.

I would apoligize to your DH for not putting her on the list (just to move past this) and ask him what he thinks you guys should get her.

You're not wrong here, but I agree that I'd be conserving money big-time if my husband just lost his job. The only people that would be receiving gifts would be our kids -- NO grandparents or other relatives -- not even yours.

Well, you created the problem for yourself when you put her on the list. When you should have held him to his word..."There goes her Christmas gift."

You were wrong?!?! Are you serious?

I wouldn't want someone to "clean" my desk either.

You husband is TOTALLY in the wrong here. If the $750 was a loan, that is one thing, but I would not be expecting to get her a gift on top of that, especially with money being so tight. Maybe a small something, but not the $50 like everyone else. Especially if she doesn't even remember your birthday.

It is your husband's job to deal with his mother and put her in her place. He should make sure that he reminds her about your birthday if that is all it will take, it is not your job, he should tell her that snooping is not permitting, and that if she wants to see her grandson, then she needs to suck it up and get her butt over to your house (other than the occasional reciprocal where ALL of you go over). I wouldn't be so sad about her not giving you advice. :) But, she is an adult and needs to be able to navigate through adult relationships.

I am currently dealing with ILs that haven't been able to let go of their family unit and don't know how to function without themselves being the center of the universe. How do I deal? I live my life, don't make special arrangements just for them, and let them determine what kind of relationship they are going to have, but for that, your husband needs to get a backbone and realize where his priorities are.

If all of you are completely open and honest with each other about everything... You wouldn't have these drama issues.

I'm buying for my MIL because I asked her what she'd like or want. I didn't expect my husband to do it. If you want to buy her something... YOU ask.

$750 for a hot water tank? That's WAY expensive. And I wouldn't assume that was an early Christmas gift either.

I think that all of you just need to be honest with one another and have a discussion about everything. Sounds like everyone is getting their feelings hurt and no one is saying anything... Just acting like they're 6 instead.

You weren't wrong. He should take your side once in a while/when necessary. He is feeding into her "being afraid you will keep grandson from her" by taking him to her each week instead of you having her over or you taking him sometimes too.

Sounds like you and MIL need to have talk and come to a mutal understanding. Hubby needs to grow up.

I agree with the poster that said you shouldn't be worrying about gift giving for extended family when your husband was recently laid off. If you really feel you must, a "token" gift for your MIL should be more than enough. Something small so she has something to open on Christmas. My college daughter just moved from one apartment to another to get away from a miserable roommate. The costs associated with her moving is her Christmas gift (she said so herself), but I still plan on getting her a little something so she has something to open on Christmas. It will be something she needs anyway (gloves, etc.).

I think sons are poor communicators with their parents and that contributes a lot to the in-law insecurities. My husband is TERRIBLE about calling his parents. I would have probably been a much better daughter-in-law over the years if they hadn't made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough for their perfect son. I talk to my in-laws and compared to what other people have, I have it good. They are pretty non-confrontational with me so it makes it easier to deal with them. I do keep it on the surface level because I feel I will always be over judged on everything. It isn't just me either, their own daughter feels like nothing she does can ever compare to what her brother does. My hubby and I don't fight about them much. I do talk with him when I'm not heated about something and encourage him to call them more often. I am just not going to be his parent in effort to make them feel better. I will encourage him and explain why they need to hear from him more, but it is HIS role to foster their relationship. I think way too often the wives of poor communicators get blamed as though they are keeping the "son" away from mom and dad. I have 4 boys and I know that if I want to be a part of their family's lives, then I need to bond with their wife. That will be MY job to make sure she feels like a part of the family. I will also have to realize that girls tend to be closer to their mothers and not feel so easily offended that her mother is more connected with the family. I still feel like it will be my job to foster the relationship with my daughter-in-law and make her feel welcome in the family. As a MIL, I will have to work harder to be more connected in my sons' lives than I will my daughters'. That's just how it is most of the time. It isn't as though sons don't care or love their mothers. They just get busy and don't think about it (not all men, but many). I have 2 daughters as well, so I know I'll continue to always be close to them.

Why is she so dramatic, and why is hubby running to her side. The only thing it sounds like you are doing wrong is your communication with your hubby. It just sounds like there is a huge back story that will explain this becasue from what you said other than you and your hubby sitting down talking to each other and coming to an understanding before something happens there isn't much to say.

I would have thought that was her gift also. We buy plane tickets for my in-laws to visit every year and I consider that her gift just as you would have. But every year all her children still get them gifts. So I give her a photo in a frame (lol) of our son. And every year MIL has that look on her face that she is not happy.
I am with you also about a snooping MIL, I would have been really mad if she went all through my stuff. My MIL has said the most horrible things to me and I always stick up for myself. My husband says " she would never say that". But he does stand behind me in most family dramas. I mean I am the one he sleeps with.
I have made peace with my MIL. By that I mean I make sure I am never in a room alone, so she can say stupid stuff to me that no one hears. And I spend limited time with her. I still give her a photo of her grandson, the one that she questioned about who really fathered him. I also do not let her tear apart the other daughter inlaws, that makes me think I am not so special that she does not do this to me. I am fake nice just so no problems can be my fault anymore. And it works.
Stop putting yourself down, your way to hard on yourself. Your a wonderful wife who just happens to be married to a mommas boy and a MIL who knows exactly what she is doing. Sorry to say but just act like you like her to her face and hubby. MIL's like yours and mine know how to push button with sons.
Your husband needs to realize your his wife and you had his baby. Your the person in his life that should be listened to and believed that you mean no harm to his mother. Like I said your the one he sleeps with. Time to cut the apron strings. I wish you luck!

Mine is a little worse than yours but she always is saying I will keep our baby from her. No we are just busy and we don't have time to always tend to her needs first. I don't see a problem with buying something huge like that for her Christmas. My husband always spends more on her than we do on my parents. She always makes him feel guilty about something. She has put me through so much. I say; She gets mad by herself she can get glad by herself!