Arguing

I too have 2 kids who used to fight and argue endlessly. I finally got tired of the "if you don't have anything nice ..." routine and told them that the next time they fought or argued they would have to sit on the couch next to each other and hold hands until they could be nice. Minimum of 1 minute. Each time it got longer - 2 mins,3 mins etc. That way they couldn't just say "OK, she's/he's being nice now" and get up and continue their argument. Took about 3 months, but oh boy did it work. They are now in 10th grade and 4th grade and they really don't fight and find nice things to say to each other all the time. Maybe this will work for you too.

Hi L.,
Oh how fun it is to be a mom! I was just thinking that you might want to inform your children that you were setting up a Complaint Dept which would be handling all their problems in the future. You might have a "Complaint Dept" chair,a sign, or a hat that says "Complaints", and when they come to you with a tattle, say "Oh wait, let's got to the "Complaint Dept", so you go to the chair, and seriously sit down to listen, get your ledger out to write the complaint in. Here's the good part,this is a service which must be paid for, and the fee must be paid in advance, so before they get to share their story they could perhaps do 10-20 push-ups, or something else you know they won't want to do. You could have a container with jobs in it and they get to draw one out for the fee. I have a feeling that this will change things rather quickly. It should be fun to see what happens. If they still complain, at least you'll get some laundry folded, the floor swept, some dusting done, or whatever else you come up with. If they still want to lodge a complaint, you listen to it, write it in your ledger and tell them that you will render a decision at a later date. Judges do that all the time. This could actually be a good thing for you because you might see a pattern of behavior that you can actually deal with, such as helping your children understand the difference between the way boys and girls, think, and how they can handle things better. And last but not least it will be great reading when they get to be parents.
Have fun! Blessings, joy and peace to you.

L.:

Your not alone, I have four children two boys and two girls. 13, 10, 5, and 3. From morning to night it is arguing and tattling. I have learned that unless someone is getting hurt or there is inappropirate name calling-I ignore it. I know that might sound hard, but we are human and kids are going to argue even though it drives us nuts. Literally. I have tried many many different types of punishment and nothing really works, so I had to approach it from a different perspective. What is is that is bothering me so much about the arguing ect. Also I had to stop and really listen to what they are arguing about. If it is silly stuff, I tell them-get their attention and ask them what it is they are arguing about and why-distraction is a big key and soon they forget. I keep praying for the day that I don't have to hear my 3 year old scream like no tomorrow because he can not be first to open the door, or sit in the front of the bath,or walk in front of everyone else. But then I think to myself my children are going to be looking at how I'm going to react. If I can stay calm and act like it does not bother me then it usually quickly stops. Also the other day I was so tired of the arguing on who was going to open the door first that I said nothing, ignored them and came in the back door and never opened the front, they all had to come around and by that time it did not matter who came through the door first. Hang in there! And when you look at one of your friends and think that she is a great mom, her kids never argue-think again because it just is not true. I think the most important thing I have learned over the last 13 years of parenting is don't sweat the small stuff..live for the memorable moments and laughter in parenting, you have to be able to laugh at yourself and your kids even when you think you won't last one more minute.

Two things have worked for my family to get my young boys to work it out. The first I read in a magazine that if the fight is over a toy then you set the timer for one hour with the name of the toy on it and when it rings the other child gets the toy for an hour. This one works really well.

The second approach that has worked is sending them to different rooms. As soon as they start arguing I will send one to their room and one to my room and they are allowed to come out as soon as they have worked out there differences and can be nice to one another. It has taken a lot of heat out of their arguments and it is GREAT not being involved in the she said he said comments.

Good luck, hopefully this might help.

My only idea is for the tattling, and comes from my son's teacher. She said they go thru phases of this at his school. They put a picture of an ear on the wall and when the kids start the tattling, they (the teachers or aids) tell the kids to go wisper (the tattling) in the ear! Don't know if it works but worth a try!

This is the book you want!

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (Paperback)
by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author) "I secretly believed that sibling rivalry was something that happened to other people's children..." (more)

So the 9 year old boy and 6 year old girl are the ones arguing? I would put them in a room together when they start arguing and not let them out until they stop. Every time they begin to argue I would do the same thing. Don't pay attention to their arguing unless you're in a public place and it becomes disruptive. When they start tattling I would ask them if they are arguing. If they are then off to the room they go until they are done. Don't pay attention to the behavior unless you feel there is a deeper underlying problem. See if it works. If the arguing lessens make sure you recognize the good behavior and reward them with verbal and maybe even a small prize. You know like a candy or something. The key is to put a spot light on the positive behavior.

I feel your pain L.. I have a 13 year old boy and twin 11 year old girls. I told them last month that I wanted to move out but I have no where to go. I friend suggestedt this and it worked for a bit: whoever was fighting had to hug for as long as they fought. It was hard to inforce becasue my kids are older... it did get us thru the hump as they hated the hugging but once they hugged they melted into laughing. My only other attack plan that worked was all get punished with writing lines. I did allow spelling word sentences and I even gave out math sheets once. Good luck. I hope more mom's respond becasue I fear I will always need help in this area. D.

Sounds normal. My brother, sister, and I (we are 3 years apart total) argued non stop from the time I was 7 until my sister moved out. Then my brother and I argued non stop until I moved out. It's part of growing up. With a little guidance (and a lot of pulling your hair out) they'll learn to work/play together and learn how to do conflict resolution themselves. You could try teaching them basic leadership principles such as "focus on the situation/problem not the person", "lead by example", "keep the confidence of others", etc. It might be a bit much for them to grasp right away, but it's worth a shot. Good luck and let go of your hair!

OMG I'm in the eXACT same boat as you are except my nine year old is a girl, and my six year old is a boy, who by the way if OFF the charts with how LOUD he is and my daughter's so emotionial. I also have a ten month old baby who thanks to their constant arguing is the LOUDEST of them all! I think it helps that I'm deaf though, and I LOVE that advice that the other mom gave to put them in the room until they finished arguing.. I'm gonna try that... I've tried it all too, and nothing seems to work, I've even told them that they are brother and sister and NO ONE in the world can break tha tbond, but of course.. they drive each other up the walls.. and ME in the process.. It doesn't really help to ignore it, cuz I'm deaf, so it doesn't bother me to tell them to solve it.. but it seems that doesn't neccessarily work either. I'm gonna give a go see with the new advice, and if you find something that works let me know too! I could SURE use it! xoxo

Hi L.,
Our kids bicker to, and the only thing that makes a difference is to make them do chores when they argue..it's a win-win!

L., I totally hear your pain, we experienced the same thing with our twins (a boy & a girl). Another familly recommended a GREAT parenting book called "1-2-3 Magic". It has saved my sanity! I hope this helps your familly as it has helped ours.

I can completely understand what you are saying.... My kids are 14 and 11 (a boy and a girl) and this has been going on forever...it seems. They love to get the other one going even if it is just a tap, a nudge, or a look. Even though they miss each other a lot when one is gone, they still drive my husband and I crazy when they bicker and fight. Vacations seems very long when they are picking on each other. I know my brother and I did the same when we were younger and later we grew out of it (when I started working for him or maybe it was when we started high school). If you get any good solutions for this please let me know.

Hi L.,
Your request was meant for me to read today! Just last night all the kids had a melt down (after a day filled with conflict) and they all went to bed early in tears. My kids are 10 (boy), 8 (girl), and 6 (boy)and it's more common that the older two argue with eachother more than the 6 year old. Since I had so much free time last night after they went to bed I was trying to think of all the factors that led to *-having such a bad day. I came up with a few reasons and plan to talk about it with them when they wake up. For me, the way to keep the peace has always been communication. My children are still very self centered, so they really respond when I hold them on my lap and give them my full attention. There are many techniques for fostering self- control and respect between siblings, but if your children are fighting constantly I would suggest looking deeper to what the root of the problem is (jealousy, competition, etc.). Reward their good behavior with positive attention and alone time with you. Test yourself to see if it is possible for you to go just one day without raising your voice and really looking for the positive qualities. I would also suggest taking a parenting class on the subject of sibling conflict. I have a degree in child development but no book in the world can prepare you for the individual challenges of being a mother.

You are so blessed to have three amazing children. Arguing is a part of growing up. It allows for kids to set their boundaries and it opens up the communication. Kids fight that is what makes them strong. (Now if they were hitting each other you would have to intervene). When my sister and I (we are 3.5 years apart and I am now 38) were young, we argued every minute A LOT. We shared a room so there was a lot of time for it! LOL. I brok her arm once, she gave me numerous concussions. But you know what, because of her and my relationship, I am a strong women who knows my boundaries. I know what I want and don't want out of friendships and relationships. I know how important it is to stand up for myself (even when I am the "little guy"). I am better because of it.

My mom used to say things like, "oh aren't you two cute, well if there's blood, just clean it up!" Or "if anyone dies, just hide the body" Or my particular favourite, "If you ain't bledding or dying don't come crying to me!". We learned to deal with it ourselves. And we did quite well.

I was a school teacher of junior high for 10 years, i used the same tactics on my students. They need to know that they are in control to make their own decsions (unless like I said it involves physical violence.)

Let them grow and learn from each other, they are only young for a few years. They will out grow it, i promise you.

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com