Are You Honest About How Friends' Kids Act?

I TOTALLY stole from my son's preschool teacher.

Having some trouble ___________, today.

- being a good friend
- with pushing boundaries
- etc.

That way, they know what's up, and can ask for details, but it's not an attack. The 'having some trouble' indicates a problem they're working on, and the today confines it to a limited period of time. Both which give the parent tools to know and the understanding that kids are kids and parents are dealing.

I haven't run into this yet, but I would do it like my daycare teacher does - gently but honestly - incident specific. "X had a hard time for a few minutes today - he talked back a few times and didn't pick up toys when finished." Perhaps wrap up with a positive (if there is one) to soften the pain a little.

Don't lie, just don't be harsh. A parent can't correct the behavior if they don't know it's happening.

I think you could still be honest, but tactful. Like "Well ... we had some rough patches, but they overall enjoyed themselves." That puts it in the other mom's court to follow-up. I know if I received a reply like that, my interest would be piqued and I would say, "Oh? Please tell me what happened." That opens the door for you so tactfully mention the transgressions: "We had some messes made that needed to be cleaned up" or "There was a little bit of talking back" etc.

No. I figure they will grow out of it. I typically just say - The boys had fun together. NO need to compliment a kid if they don't deserve it.

If we have a serious health, life or limb issue, I'll mention it, but I also "parent" my kids' friends. Bossy language - sorry, jane, we don't talk to adults like that in this house. Please change your tone. I have acutally gotten in a battle of wills, per se, when I told a child, "We say please in our house." he just wouldn't do it, so he didn't get a popcicle until he did. (which he did when my kids were like, "Dude, just say,'please!" HA!)

I'm honest about it in a nice way.

I ask this question always and I appreciate the honest, yet tactful answers. It might be - well, overall he was good, but I had to have a serious talk with him about volume. Or, she did a great job eating, but I had trouble getting her to take a nap. I also get the picture when people spin a negative into a positive, like - He's sure got a lot of energy. I know that means he was running around like a crazy person. SO, yes, I tell the truth, but I do it in a way that doesn't offend.

If it's a little thing that was annoying but not life threatening - nah - I'd gloss over and move on.

However - if it was something dangerous, rude, disrespectful or completely out of line with how we act in my house (and I'm a pretty lax mom) I would say something.

The other day the neighbor kid decided it would be a great idea to run along side the school bus in the street - I totally yelled at him, asked if he'd lost his mind, and told him he could have been killed. I also told my son the same thing - and in turn told HIM to tell the neighbor kid if he did it again I'd tell his parents - guess what - hasn't happened since then.

Sometimes kids can fix their own behaviors without always bringing a parent into the situation.

Please forgive me in being direct in saying this, but why in the world would you lie?

To tell you the truth, if you were my friend and you lied to me about my child's behavior, I would be a little upset with you. I would think as a friend you would be the one, more than anyone else, to tell me if my child was being disrespectful. If I'm asking you, "Hey, was Jane behaving?" I am concerned about my child's behavior and would you expect the truth.

So to answer your question, no, I would not and do not lie. I am direct with tact.

EDIT: My answer is also based on my family and circle of friends. We don't lie to be polite, and sugar coat to protect feelings. When I am in the market for new friends, I look for like-minded people. Not saying that it's wrong to do that, but for me, it's not something that I would appreciate.

Of course I'm honest about it, how else is a parent going to teach their child to correct the negative behavior?! I would be severely disappointed if someone lied to me and said my kids were perfect if they were not. Besides, lying, as an adult, is setting a HORRIBLE example for our children.

I dance around it, but I'm politely, "kind of" honest, lol...

I say something like:
"Joey was a hyper boy today, he must have a lot of energy at home"

I always am honest.
But I know all of my kids' friend's parents, very well.
And they tell me that when their child is at my home, to handle their child the way I would my own children.
And I do.

There never is any problem with other kids.

This is ALWAYS tricky. You don't want to be mean spirited and everyone isn't always honest with themselves about how their kids act. I have a friend who is a wonderful lady and loves her kids, but for every ridiculous thing they do she has a "reason." I know that if I told her how her kids acted she would immediately begin to tell my why they did it and why that justified the behavior. Drives me bonkers.

I usually make it easier for myself by clarifying with the parents whether or not I can put their kid in time out when they are at my house. That way it's always handled in house. When these little "baddies" see that I have rules and will enforce them, they usually do really well when they are at my house.

I try to be honest with the parents but in a really diplomatic way. Occasionally the behavior has been so hideous that I have just laid it all out there.

Your expectations of behavior/cleanliness could be very different from the other girl's family. Maybe her house is super messy, so that's how she is at your house. I think it is okay to say something if she was disrespectful, but be tactful about it. Example: "Susie told my husband to shut-up and we explained that it was not okay to say that in our house. I just wanted to let you know because I would want to know". Now, if she left her towel on the floor after her shower, I wouldn't mention it!

If you lie and tell her that she was fine how does she know what she needs to contintue to teach her child? If had a troublesome child in my home I would tell the mother that there were some complications, the issues, how I chose to resolve them and also point out what was successful about the day/night whatever. I could never imagine lying to a mother about their child's actions - they are looking for honesty. How can someone correct what they do not know is wrong? I think in lying you are doing more harm than good.

yes. but not as you do in your example up there. there are plenty of ways to be honest without making the parent feel awful.
'we had a couple of issues, the main one being speaking to me in a respectful tone. i think some of the kids felt she might have been trying to run the show rather than cooperating. probably just an off day! let's brainstorm for how to handle it if it happens again.'
not only is it just not okay to lie, it doesn't help anyone. would we want to be lied to if our precious poppets behaved like ogres at a playdate?
khairete
S.

I am honest with them. As I want them to be honest with me. I kept one of my friends kids last year twice a week over night. Three of them. And when they were bad I told her. And the night I had to really get onto one I called and told her so she hurd it from me. And if mine were bad with her she told me. But usually mine are good when they are with other people. I have been told before I ask how good he is. They love having him cause he's helpful.

All of my friends including myself, tell the truth about how the kids act. I don't sugar coat, but I'm not mean about it either. I tell them the truth with the two positive and a negative. It makes things less confrontational and they still hear all the things they need to hear.

Nope, I lie. My oldest son was good friends for a few years with a kid I couldn't stand. He was rude, snotty, entitled, bossy, and had a lousy attitude. Problem was that his parents are two of the nicest people on earth and both work in service roles in our town. I never had the heart to tell them how awful their child was and just hoped that the friendship would fizzle out, which it did. It's been about 3 or 4 years since they were good friends and this kid is still a rude little snot when I see him.

I would be truthful, but try to be tactful. Doesn't always go together, since there is always room for mis-understandings. If it was someone close to me, it would be pretty blunt, but not mean. If it was someone new or in need of child care, it would be tactful. I do worry sometimes what the parent would do to the child if they were told outright, forcefully that their child was crazy, off the wall naughty. I don't really want them to go home and be embarrassed or hurt. Sometimes kids are not always great or the best behaved. I would have to be around that child a lot to know if the behavior was normal or just a random bad day.

depends who it is. If its my brother sure! But I complain about both of the girls (they're 9 weeks apart) . So if he asks how it was, and I say terrible and give seperate examples of how each 5 year old made M. want to jump out of my window, which wouldn't do much since I rent a tiny cottage, then I don;t feel bad. However I wouldn't complain about one kid without listing how my kid drove M. crazy too. I would hope I was close enough to anyone to tell them the truth if their child was sleeping at my house though. I wouldn't J. list the bad then it seems like an attack, It;s payback I'm sure there are times they want to say that to you.

I agree it depends who it is. If it's my sisters i tell them honestly. If it's a friend i don't think i'd have the heart either. I maybe wouldn't go overboard and say 'Oh she was wonderful!' but i can't be blunt either.
Now if it's really awful or something that makes me wanna pull my hair out, i would bring it up in a subtle, gentle way because no matter what people say, I don't think any mom is really ready for the harsh truth.
I wouldn't worry too much about it doing a lot of harm. If the child is so awful, guaranteed a family member or someone else will or already has stepped in and been the bad guy.
As far as setting a horrible example, i wouldn't think your own child is standing right there just waiting to see what your report is to the mom, or even paying attention for that matter.