Hi everyone, wondering if anyone else deals with this in their marriage/relationship. My husband is a great guy, I don't have many complaints about him. One of our biggest issues, though, is that he is a spender and I am a saver. I grew up middle class and really have a need for security and stability. He grew up really poor, even having to live in the back yard of a relative for a while, and his dad never held a steady job but came up with many get rich quick schemes (that never worked) and dragged his family around while he tried playing in a band. Very unstable environment, though his parents aren't bad people.
Anyway, he worked very hard and became the first person in his family to go to college and has become a stable person who provides a great living for our family. Because he grew up so poor, he cannot stand not buying something that he wants, it triggers all kinds of things for him and he suddenly feels poor again. Bottom line is that he feels entitled to buy things when he wants them because he worked so hard to get to this point in his life.
Now it gets tricky, because in general, we can afford the things he buys. And we are saving for retirement. My issue is really in two parts. I don't think we are doing a good job modeling money management with our daughter. She sees that he has bought more pairs of shoes than he will ever be able to wear. She sees that as soon as the next gadget comes out, he's got it and just leaves the old one lying around. Things like that, I hate that she sees this.
The second issue is that we could be saving more with the money he is spending. Because his parents have been so irresponsible, we are likely going to have to bail them out. His dad works really hard now, but his mom refuses to get a job despite having no kids at home and nothing to do all day. Just says "I'm retired". From what I'm not sure. Anyway, we will end up carrying the burden of picking up the tab for them when his dad can no longer work. And more importantly, I don't want this burden to end up being passed on to our daughter. I can't imagine running out of money caring for his parents and then doing the same thing to her that they are doing to us. I really want to make sure we have the money to do the right thing for everyone.
While I understand his issues, and I realize he is more impulsive than me and just likes to buy more, I can accept that to a point. I don't mind if he has more shoes than he needs or buys more name brand clothes than I think is necessary. It's the bigger things like iPads and tv's (we currently have more tvs than rooms for them, ridiculous). So I can live with some excess, but not what has been happening lately.
Besides the baggage that comes with this story, can anyone else relate? If you have different spending habits than your spouse, how do you negotiate things? Is it a constant battle or have you come to happy place?
We don't have separate accounts because I handle the money, he is terrible at it. If he had his own account, I'm sure checks would bounce and his credit (and therefore future purchases) would be a mess.
Thanks for the help- or at least the stories that make me feel that someone else might be in the same boat!
I am a saver. My husband is a spender. I took over the finances a long time ago. He gets an allowance.
I'm like Jane, once again. I usually have no patience for long posts, but true, you are so eloquent that I read through it.
Yes, my second husband was a spend thrift. After we divorced, he bought a second Harley Davidson and a second rent home. Now, he is evicted and had to sell both homes.
Yes, like a mother on here posted. I am thrifty, she said cheap. I own my town home, fully. I own my car. I will, at this age, 55, never co-mingle money ever again. In seven years, I will be retired and will have to live on $1000 a month or less. I see that will be no issue for me as I am planning for that now.
My partner is from the Philippines. They tend to take on the whole family's financial burdens. That's fine, but don't expect me to be a part of that!
I'm the spender and my husband is the saver.
What has helped me is Dave Ramsey's show and books.
It's not enough to tell your husband what he can't do - you have to show him what you're moving towards.
As far as deeper psychological issues with money, he may need some therapy. And it doesn't mean he's crazy or wrong . . . just that he might have some unresolved issues from childhood.
And I'd start planting the seed now that we are not going to support his mom and dad in the manner to which they are accustomed. We won't let them starve or live on the street but it's going to be bare bones as to what we provide. So if that's important to him let's set aside an account right now (but never let them know until you have to).
You guys just need to be a team somehow. I'm not sure how you get him there - maybe attend Financial Peace University somewhere in your community (your church may have it?).
When you get on the same page with money it really helps your marriage.
Good luck.
I'm the spender and my husband is the saver. He used to micromanage it and it would cause many disagreements. However, he has loosened the purse strings some, and I've learned to reign in the spending a little. He has now stopped micromanaging and instead gives me cash (an agreed on portion of the income) to spend however I want. No cash, no more spending. I think it also taught me a to be a little more budget conscious and is what helped me reign in the spending. We still save a ton, so he's happy and I can still buy things so I don't feel so constrained.
Omg YES!
My husband is horrible. He can't save money to save his life. If we have a little left over from a paycheck, he wants to go out and eat, or spend it on a game or something. He is very much an impulse shopper.
Meanwhile, I was raised well under the poverty level... So I have grown up in the mindset of not spending money on anything that is not essential for survival. Lol.
So we are each from opposite extremes as far as that goes... We meet in the middle and manage to survive. ;) luckily, we really can't afford the big things, so I don't have to worry about that yet. Lol.
My hubby is the spender, I'm the saver.
Hubby grew up in an upper-middle class household, however, his father never spent money on any of the latest gadgets. I grew up in the paycheck to paycheck household and although I wouldn't consider us poor, I do remember things like the telephone and electricity being shut off occasionally.
When it comes to money issues, its been a big compromise. I handle 90% of the financial matters. Early in our relationship I sat him down and showed him our budget. I made him realize that if we wanted a house, a car, etc., that he couldn't be eating lunch out everyday. A months worth of his lunches, was more than a month car payment. The compromise, only go out to lunch once a week.
Early on we both agreed that we would never spend more than $40 on an item without discussing it with each other first. As the years past, we no longer have that rule, but we both are respectful of each others wants.
You mention how you want to raise your child regarding financial matters. I have 2 daughters, one is like her father, spending all the time buying unneeded items, no comparison shopping, and no sense of value of items. My other daughter, is worse than me. She saves every penny. She uses items until the are completely worn out. She thinks carefully about how to spend her money.
So as with all things, you choose your battles.
What helped my husband and I get on the same page was taking a financial planning course together. It was through the local community college.
Alternatively, you could consider couples counseling, because it sounds like this is almost a compulsion for him.
Sounds like some Dave Ramsay books would be great for holiday gifts for you, hubs & inlaws!!!
Wow, I usually skip posts that are this long, I have no time or patients for them, but yours was so well written I just kept reading. Yes I'm the saver and my husband is the spender. But he is better at paying bills on time so he does the money. It makes me jealous at times when he comes home from Target with $250 worth of clothes for our girls. I always tell myself "we have enough" while i drool at the cute kids clothes at Target yet pass them buy. Then he picks them out and I know if I had my way with the money I would have picked out cuter clothes. I am trying to own less stuff right now, I feel all I do all day is manage our stuff. My husband buys whatever he feels like buying as soon as the thought crosses his mind. Amazon is not good for that kind of impulsive shopper. That said, its not really the little things that he buys, its the big things that have really waisted money. # 1 problem for us are his car buying habits. Thousands of dollars down the drain for not really thinking it through and taking the time to make a good decision. It irkes me bad. But we don't have c.c debt and he is not a crazy shoppoholic or anything. But I deny myself all the time and he buys it if he wants it. Sometimes I take a whole year just to decide if I really want a certain type of boot, or a designer jean. I grew up a dr.s kid with plenty, yet frugal parents. He grew up a preachers kid with enough but not a lot.
We are the same, except his expenses are on hunting and archery. Finally, after 14 years, I had enough. I handed all bill paying and financial responsibility over to him. I sit with him every two weeks to answer questions he has and help guide, but he's responsible for making sure all bills are paid (credit cards in full) including savings. WOW, it has made a much bigger difference than I expected. Now that the stress is on him he self-regulates much better. He was very cranky for a little while, but things are getting better. I honestly didn't realize how big of an affect my shielding him had; I thought I was doing the right thing for the family because he 'couldn't handle the bills because he was terrible with money' when in reality he was perfectly capable of stepping up if I trusted him to do it. Even though I told him what our financial situation was, it didn't truly hit home till he was the one actually paying the bills and looking at the statements.
No disconnect here. Both of us are cost conscious, and dilligent about paying bills and guarding our credit. He and I both like to bulk up on stuff when it is rock bottom, but not so much so that we tax our limited storage space. We don't keep extras, would rather do trave, a nice meal, than have more stuff. Buy old navy and not polo for DS, accept hand me downs and hand down/ donate our cast offs.
Can you sit down and budget with him?
Can he be content with a $ limit on gadgets, or a certain number per week?
Would he be willing to sell cast offs so that you don't have too many of anything around?
Can you speak with your daughter about hubs spending habits, notions of thrift, excess, frugality, etc?
Can you sell him on the sense of satisfaction and safety he/you will have once longer term financial needs are taken care of?
Can you do both in lockstep? i.e. fund some sort of retirement annuity for them, and one for you, once the seed money is in place, it will largely take care of itself.
for every dollar that goes into each of these pots, a matching amount is available for any "upgrades" new product purchases he wants/ needs to make.
Best,
F. B.
We are similar to the two of you, but not nearly as extreme. Hubby has expensive hobbies, I would prefer to save. We have a rule, if it's going to be over $100, you must consult the spouse before making the purchase. It works for us, most of the time just that stop and check will make the purchaser think about whether or not we really NEED the item. There are things I bite my tongue on, as a SAHM I give him a bit more leeway than when I was working and thus brought in some of the money.
Separate spending accounts!!! That is the key to harmony in my house. We split the bills equally based on our income 60/40 and he transfers X amount into our joint bill account bi-weekly this way when he buys a new “toy” I SMDH and don’t think twice cause it’s his spending money. He does put money into his 401K for retirement though.
