Let me start by saying, I find it very hard to shop for my mother-in-law, and it is very low on my husband's priority list.
The other day I read an article on MSN about financial lessons learned from the author's father. Anyway, to make a long story short, I first inquired of my husband, then his sister and finally my MIL if she had a current will, living will, and power of attorney. From what I understand she has a will (don't know if it's current) and that is it, so I said we would pay the attorney fees for her to get those documents. So I then told my SIL what I did, and that I don't care who the POA is, MIL just needs to have one. Who's going to file her tax return & pay her bills if she becomes incapacitated??
So anyway, my SIL sends me another e-mail, saying she thinks her mom would rather take care of the living will herself and that maybe I should get her a gift card for Boscov's or Wal-Mart or a pair of slippers instead. I don't know, I just wanted to pay the fees, I don't care who she goes to or when she does it.
What do you think is the better gift? A gift card or peace of mind? Am I overstepping my boundaries? Personally I thought she would have already had this stuff taken care of since her husband passed away almost 5 years ago.
Thanks ladies, looks like it's a coffee pot and a pair of slippers instead of peace of mind. It frustrates me that my husband and his family would rather stick their heads in the ground. This isn't about money or possessions (there isn't enough to worry about) this was about her 3 children knowing and being able to honor her wishes
No it's not about peace of mind it's about not reminding an old person they are going to die and you want them to get their stuff together so when it happens it won't be an issue for you to deal with it....that's how it would come off to me. Sorry, but that is what an older person would feel and think about a gift like this.
That's one subject you have to be really delicate about. No matter how tactfully you do it, it always sounds like you more interested in the person's possessions and money than you are about them.
Nope, even if it means she dies intestate and you guys have a big expensive hassle on your hands, you can't bug her about that and ESPECIALLY not pay for it. That would come off as really cold.
Sorry, Christmas is not about peace of mind for you. It's about a nice gift for her. And that is not a nice gift, unless she were the kind of person who would appreciate such a gift.
Well just legally speaking that you pay the fees negates the validity of the document. So it is a pointless gift.
My brother is an attorney, I was frustrated with our dad not properly preparing the documents. I said I will pay, my brother told me the documents will not stand up to legal scrutiny if I did. Just an FYI.
Unfortunately, Christmas is not about your peace of mind. This is not a good time to try to rip their heads out of the sand. It's tactless and cold. Sorry.
Well, you could give her the money to have these things done, but you can't make her do it. And, this is more of a gift to you, for your peace of mind, than it is a gift to her. If she has a will, she has most of what is needed.
In this case, you can suggest, but you can't make these things happen. So for your sanity, step back and let her family members deal with the outcome.
I have an aging MIL myself, and she is in somewhat poor health.
I would back off and let your SIL and husband handle it. And by "handle it" I would let my husband know that I will take no part in cleaning up a mess created by failing to plan. Of course I would say this in a nice way. If he complains to me down the road (or my SIL does) I would say "well, I know you guys will figure it out."
In other words your SIL has made it fairly clear that your very practical help is not welcome. So it's time to back off. Whew, check it off your list.
It's too bad for them, because sometimes it takes someone a bit more "outside" the situation to think practically, and get things done.
I've gotten overly invested in my MIL's situation (and I love her alot) and regretted it at times.
Good luck.
I'm all for practical, but even to me, this seems a bit awkward. Maybe after Christmas, SIL and your husband could take care of it. Just think it's a touchy situation, better handled by her kids, not her DIL.
I think you overstepped on this one, glad to see your so what happened
Encourage her to get her financial, health world in order. That is really all you can do. If you know approximately what that would cost and she would be unable to pay for it herself get her a visa giftcard or amex gift card to help with her living expenses so that she can pay for her own legal fees. It is a generous gift and in the hard days of aging would be a gift to the whole family if all of her family should appreciate as well. If decisions are made and in stone there can be less animosity for the survivors.
Well to be 'stepping on your toes'...I am hesitant but truthful when I say you are overstepping your bounds, IF my DH or my other in/out-laws informed me they had done this w/o discussing it with the family I would HIT THE ROOF!
Whether or not she 'had this stuff taken care of' isn't really a DIL's business unless your DH and/or the family has asked for your help...or, of course your MIL asked for your help in the matter.
Sorry, don't want to beat you up over this...Hope your Christmas is a wonderful one sans my opinion!
