Ok-
My step daughter has been asking me lots of questions about changes in her body, and about having babies, you know the rest. I am not looking for criticisms about how I should leave this business to her mother (although she lives with her most of the time, she has no relationship with her mother and is quite frankly terrified of her) She and I are very close and I feel that it falls on me to give her the truth. I don't want to give her TOO much information or terrify her at all, but I want to make sure she has factual information at the same time so she can make good decisions. She currently goes to a Catholic school, so I want to be respectful of that as well. Does anyone out there have any recommendations of a good book? Thanks so much!
Thanks so much for all of the responses. I went out and got the Care and Keeping of You book that was recommended so many times. My husband and I read it through and think it is perfect. I have also done some research on what words to use to describe sex itself, and I think I am prepared now to handle her questions as they come up. I have given serious thought to discussing with her mother what is to be said, but both my husband and myself have decided this would be a bad idea, as she is extremely combative of EVERYTHING we say to her and uses every opportunity to (to our faces as well as in email) call us evil people, sinners, basically projecting everything about herself onto us. I will just have to take the punches as they come over this situation and am prepared to go toe-to-toe with her if she discovers this conversation.
Thank you all for your help! You saved me a lot of red-faced stumbling over my words!
Hi T.,
There is a book available at Bath & Body Works. It was issued from the American Girl Store and is a great book. Can't think of the name of it off hand, but if you ask the clerk, I'm positive she will help you with it. Best of Luck. Kim Smith
I have an 8 year old who will be 9 in June. Her body has been going through all the changes and she knows what sex is but not all the right information. I read the "care and keeping of you" book from American Girl and then I went over some of it with her (she didn't want to talk about any of these things). I gave her what i felt she needed for now and gave her the book to look at and read on her own. There are lots of books from American Girl, that are very good because they focus on girls and what they need to know.
Most important is to make sure they have accurate info. The kids now adays seem to have all wrong info that comes from movies and older siblings that have no clue either.
Go with your instincts too! They never let you down.
Best of luck.
We just got a letter from our school district telling us that they were going to teach the curriculum on human development. My daughter just turned 10 and is 4th grade. The curriculum is posted on the Central bucks school district's website www.cbsd.org. It may help with some information that is appropriate for a 9 year old. I'm sure it is the same state wide, although catholic schools may wait until 5th or 6th grade to start teaching it.
Hi T.,
I am a stepmom, too, and I know its a touchy subject as to what you can talk about with your stepchild. If you are close, I'd say, you need to follow your heart and give your stepdaughter any information you feel she should know.
Be aware, you are probably in a losing position, here, as someone will not be happy with you answering these kinds of questions. My stepson's mother was upset with my husband (and me) because he discussed her son's schooling with me before discussing it with her, even though he lives with us full time! So, her mother won't be happy no matter how well or appropriately you handle it. Her mother will probably accuse you of overstepping your boundaries or whatever. I'm NOT saying that I think you are, I'm saying SHE will probably think so.
To head it off a little, I'd be having a conversation with the mother, even if its brief and to-the-point, about the questions she is asking and about how you are answering them (being respectful of her beliefs, etc.) and I'd tell my husband, too, in case the ex-wife gets all mad at him for it.
And don't put too much stock in what the child is saying about her mother, either, unless you have witnessed what she is saying first-hand. Children of divorce are very, very good at playing both ends against the middle, trying for every advantage they can from the situation. I'm not accusing her of lying or being a bad kid, I'm just talking about the tendency of ANY child is to try to take advantage (they do it in natural families all the time, too!) A child of divorce is likely to play up to the sympathies of the family they are with, so watch out what she might be saying about you to her mother! Which is why I'm kind of warning you to tread lightly. She could be truly curious about all of this stuff, or she might be laying a trap for you (consciously or unconsciously) or being put up to it by her mother!
I do not discipline my stepson myself, and questions of that sort are things I say something along the lines of, "That's a question for your father" which is handy for me cause my stepson is a boy. In your situation, I'd say something like, "What does your mother say about it?" or "What WOULD your mother say about it? Should we ask her together?" Lastly, I would say something like, "This is what I think, but you should also ask your mother or father." However you do it, make sure you are letting her know that you are respecting her natural parent's beliefs on a certain subject so that no one can lay a trap for you.
Sorry for such negative advice, but I've been there, and again, I'd say tread lightly.
L.
I'd check out your local hospital. Most have educational programs you can take your child to that explains everything. I work at Magee in Pittsburgh, and they have a great program called Growing up Together. They have one for girls, and one for boys. If Magee isn't near you, look around - most major hospitals offer something similar.
Giving a child a book on the topic is great, but I like programs like this, because I think it actually starts a conversation between the parent and child which is even better.
I had almost the exact same experience with my stepdaughter. Look into any of the American girl brand books. I used the care and keeping of you. It is gentle, and factual, and even has nice pictures which makes things easier for them to understand. They also have a ton of other helpfull books from feelings to staying home alone. All very helpfull and geared towards keeping them little girls. Not rushing into teen years. Good luck!
When my older daughters were that age i did not tell them much. I just explained that when a mom and dad love each other god will give them a baby. I did explain all about their period and that it had to do with having a baby. I told them about eggs (no male stuff) and said that is what god turns into a baby when mom and dad ask.
I just finally told my 12 and 13 year old everything. I said that god is still involved in the baby making process...just filled in all the other details.
I do not think there is anything wrong with you being the one to talk to her. Especially if she does not feel that close to her mom. Every little girl needs to feel like she can come to someone. Best wishes with your talk :)
You might want to check out a really good website- www.KidsHealth.org. They have lots of helpful information for parents as well as kids on these topics. It's not a book but it may be helpful. Good Luck.
This is the set of books that I used for my dd's
http://www.generationsofvirtue.org/product_info.php?cPath...
It just talks about the body and how it works. I doesn't talk about sex at all.
Here is another good book
http://www.generationsofvirtue.org/product_info.php?cPath...
Sorry, I didn't use books, we just talked -- with all 4 girls. If you get a book, I highly suggest you read the entire book before you give it to her. There are many to choose from and you want to be sure the one you let her read doesn't say something you don't want said.
Therefore, I recommend the library as a wonderful place to explore content for free. :-)
Does she have a "health" class in school ? She may be asking because some of that info was covered in class. Our girls got it in elementary school and again in middle school. Ask her what SHE already knows, and then go from there. That way you can correct the misconceptions, too.
And regarding the church? Obviously they teach abstenance, which is a good thing. It's the BEST protection against pregnancy and STD's. That said, I have always had a rule with my kids: IF they become sexually active, we go together to the DR's for birth control pills. In this day and age, there is no excuse for and no reason to have a baby in one's teens. that second part you can't do, because you're the step-mom. But your husband could as the dad. (And, that said, neither of my 20-somethings were active during high school, and I have a 13 and 15 yr old who, at least at this point, aren't either. I don't think abstenance is as hard as planned parenthood would have you believe. It's safer, it's emotionally healthier, and there are so many other things we need to learn about how to build a good relationship, most of which gets thrown by the wayside when we start experimenting with "the plumbing"
P.S. I've never read The Care and Keeping of You, but the American Girl literature I've seen and read is VERY appropriate age-wise, so I would check out the book that Kristin recommended if I were you ! :-)
Hi, T.,
My girls and I have been reading "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls" by Valorie Shaefer. It's part of the American Girl Library. We've found it to be very interesting and informative in a very age-appropriate way (my girls are 6 and 8). Other than that, just answer her questions in a matter of fact way. Good luck!
T.,
I symphathize with you. My BF has an almost 12 year old daughter. Her mother has talked to her about the facts of life, but not till after I discovered that she was asking questions on Yahoo Answers. The websites that were coming up were inapproiate to say the least. My boyfriend has the 'If I don't know about it, it's not happening. If it's not happening I don't have to address it' thinking. He just leaves all that up to her mom. When I discovered the searches, I first told him, and said that he should talk to her mother about it. He didn't, so I went and talked to her about it (we do have a very good relationship all around). Her mother has since talked to her about it, but I also told his daughter that if she had any questions that she didn't feel comfortable asking her mother that she could ask me. Her mother did agree that was the best thing. I have told her mother about any questions that she has had, but at least it gives her more options. I would reccomend to be available for any question, but also let your step daughter's mother know what she has been asking you.
My daughter will be 10 in a month and I have been putting this topic off BIG TIME!!! She doesn't ask me anything but I am sure that she knows stuff. She is very nosey! LOL!
I just happened to turn on the tv one afternoon and Oprah was on. I don't typically watch it but it was all about teenage sex and how to talk to your teenagers about sex. They actually recommended the initial "talk" around 9 years old. However, I have to be honest with you, she recommends that you pretty much spill all the beans. It made sense after seeing the whole show.
Unfortunately children these days are learning things WAY to early and actually performing acts WAY to early. Last week my giflfriend called me up in a panic because she found a note in her daughter's pants. She is 11 years old and, in my opinion, an innocent girl. It was a bit sexual but I don't think she knew exactly what it meant My point is, that children are doing and saying things very young. They may be able to abstain from these behaviors if they completely understood and learned the correct information from theirs parents.
I am pasting a link below to Oprah's website. There is a handbook that you can download. It is al about how to talk to your kids about sex. I plan on downloading and giving the dreaded "talk" in the next couple months.
http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090326-tows-talk...
Hi T.,
Let her ask the questions and you listen to what she asks.
When she asks a question, ask her what she thinks is the answer. Share your experiences when appropriate. Let her do the talking.
That is the best way to teach a young girl about her body.
You are very loving to help this young girl grow into a wonderful young woman.
God Bless you. D.
Hi T. my daughter is 9 yrs old. I wasnt ready to give her the "talk" yet but felt she need to know some stuff. Since this is my oldest daughter I asked for my mom and sisters advice. We went and bought her the American Girl book the care and keeping of you. My daughter got this book last summer and just turned nine in January. She read the book made some ooos, aaahhhs and eeewww but the book apparently help for a bit because she hasn't asked any more questions since. I'm sure she will start asking again but at least I'll know to be prepared this time.
American Girl has a good book -- it's called "The Care and Keeping of You." You can find it at Barnes & Noble (or I'm sure any other bookstore) -- it's back in the kids' area, on a rack of American Girl books.
