Aone on the Playground

Was it like this last year or in earlier years in school? Is she usually shy in other situations or only at school? Is she, overall, quiet and reserved or is this unusual for her? Is she involved in any activities outside school (Girl Scouts, sports, dance, art, any kind of classes or clubs) and at those, is she "odd girl out" or is she socially comfortable? When she has these girls over to play at home, is all OK and they're all interacting well with her and she's interacting happily with them in that setting?

I think you need to examine the whole of her life, not just her school life, and consider whether this is a factor of her own fundamental personality or something specific to her school, these friends, this year. I'd sit down and really think hard about what you've observed in all those places and situations outside school. If she seems to have this issue only at school, is it only at recess or is it throughout the day? Kids have many other interactions besides recess where they are being social (lunch, going to and from classes, interacting in class time, etc.).

Have you talked with her about whether anything has happened? There may be no specific break with these girls; they may all be girls who have other connections outside school (live near each other and have known each other forever; in the same dance class/GS troop/sports team/whatever outside school; love the same pop star for whom your daughter cares nothing --whatever). Or there may have been some specific issue that you don't know anything about. You need to get her to open up to you.

Another aspect: Is she the kind of kid who is willing to walk up to a group and insert herself, or is she possibly hanging back waiting for an invitation to be issued? This came up on here a while ago about a girl who seemed to feel she needed to be specifically invited to play, when really she could have gotten up and gone and joined a group. When you say these kids "exclude" your daughter at recess, what exactly does "exclude" mean? Does she say they do that? Do you think she could be using that term when really they might be happy to include her if she were more assertive and walked up and said, "Hey, I'd like to play X too"? Or has she tried that and they actually and clearly said "No" to her?

A lot of questions here but I think you do need to do a lot of exploring with your daughter and a lot of thinking about her personality and her social abilities both at school and outside school. If she is shy that is a larger issue and she may need some help to get more assertive and not wait to be asked to play; if she is trying to play and being flatly told no or ignored, that is another issue too and she needs some tools from you to handle that. But it seems odd that girls who play at your house OK would then do flat-out exclusion on the playground -- doesn't it?

She's hurting but you can help her. Rather than asking what you can do to help -- which may stump her, frankly, because she knows you can't really help then and there on the playground -- talk to her about what exactly happens when they "exclude" her and whether she could approach them more, or find other people to play with. They're not the only ones on the playground. And she can play by herself rather than sitting there -- just moving around will put her in other kids' orbits and start impromptu "together" play eventually.

L., in addition to the teacher, talk to the guidance counselor. Lots of times, the guidance counselor will set up "sessions" with the girls who are marginalizing someone and work on it from that angle. Sometimes that helps. She can also work with your daughter's friends and have your daughter in the session to help build a coalition between them so that they won't put up with your daughter being left out.

Try that. I've seen that work in some schools. Your guidance counselor will know what you are asking for.

Good luck,
Dawn

Awww so sorry for your daughter! Its hard growing up and trying to fit in. My suggestion would be to help do a little role-play with her. Give her some more social skills and help her to come out of her shell a little bit. If she initiates some more friends, they should start responding quickly to her and hopefully in her favor. Also, in the mean time--what about getting her a little bracelet kit or similar activity that she can quietly do when the other girls won't play with her. They may get interested in what she is doing and want to do it with her :)

I suggest being a playground volunteer if you can. I was one for years and learned how kids relate with each other. Or just visit the playground during her recess time to see what is actually going on. You could talk with the teachers and volunteers that are on the playground about what they see.

Teachers rotate playground duty and so your daughter's teacher may not be on the playground and won't be as able to tell you what is happening with your daughter.

I suggest that your daughter may just need some help knowing how to get involved with the other kids. I haven't seen kids ask so much if they can play. They just jump right in and play. My granddaughter's playground has games such as kick ball going and kids just line up to play. Or the kids your daughter's age sometimes just stand around and talk. If your daughter is shy she may not feel comfortable doing that. And if she hangs back and asks the other kids may not be comfortable with including her. They would just expect her to chime in.

My granddaughter's school has a support group called a Friendship Group run by the school counseling. Ask if your daughter's school has something like that. The counselor started this group after I told her about one that they had when my daughter was in school. So maybe you could get one started.

Does the school have a tetherball that she could just get in line to play? Once she starts interacting with some of the kids in tetherball maybe the ice will be broken and they will want to play other things with her.

I know we used to do tetherball and four square. Anyone could stand in line to play.

Can you encourage her to invite friends over - a lot! One at a time because girls do better in twos than threes!

Sometimes it's good to be alone. It is different if she is being picked on or secluded on purpose, which is considered bullying. I was always the "lone wolf" on the play ground. Sometimes I'd find other outcasts to talk to/play with. Sure they weren't cool looking, but that is not what's important. Sometimes I'd play with the boys, because I got alone with them better. She needs to be reassured that this is only temporary, she just needs to go and have fun. She can play on the swings, slide, hop scotch.... The funny thing is if the others see her playing hop scotch alone, chances are they will join in. No one wants to play with someone, that doesn't look like they are having fun. She's got to show she's a fun person to be around or seek other kids that are alone. Learning to be flexible makes a kid stronger.